Christmas lunch with under-3s - AIBU?

[GromitAndWallace]

Going to my parents for Christmas, various relatives coming including my DSis, who has 2 yr old twins. When my kids were this age I would give them their lunch 30mins before everyone else and then they could either sit in their high chairs at the table for a bit, get down and play round on the floor in the same room, or go for an afternoon nap if needed. It worked really well as they joined in with the adults but we also got the chance to sit around the table and eat the lovely meal my mum had worked hard to prepare.

last year, Dsis's twins then 18mo) ate at the table with us and it was mayhem. Not their fault, tinies are messy, grab stuff etc and I get that. But I don't think we all sat down at the table at the same time, the meal was really rushed because the DTs got bored and fractious and people kept jumping up to get them yoghurt / toys / clean up spills / move things on the table out of their grasp. Dsis and her DH ate on a rota while they managed the kids (sort of) and I felt bad for my mum whose efforts seemed to go unnoticed by some.

This year, the DT are 2.5yo so better but still very messy, bored quickly etc. I'd like to suggest the idea of them eating a bit earlier (easy to do sausages, potato, veg in advance for them and they're not bothered by turkey) but AIBU? I'm not suggesting banishing them to another room, just getting them started earlier so that everyone else has two hands free to eat their meal and sit down together. My DM agrees and has mentioned it to DSis vaguely but doesn't seem to be getting a positive response.... (they are not great at communicating)

[Sirzy]

YABU. What you are basically saying is they aren't good enough to eat with the rest of you, and how will they learn how to behave in they are sat with others and have good behaviour modeled?

DS is just turned 4, my nephews are 2 and 5. We have christmas together every year and the idea of them not eating with us (once they were at that point obviously) was never an option.

[hopskipandthump]

I would just let your DSis do it the way she wants - and help her in the way she wants.

I had three children in four years, my youngest is now the age of your sister's children. Our Xmas dinners have been quite disrupted for the last few years, but it's all part of the fun. Since I host, I don't have to worry about other people's opinions - if they didn't like it, they wouldn't come! We have a gap in between main course and pudding - that way the kids can go off and have a run around, and the adults can wash up relax a bit. Then we all reconvene for Xmas pudding and cheese and chocolate!

I do Christmas dinner at a time that suits the children - 12.30ish. It works well, as then we have time for a walk outside afterwards,

You are obviously a very organised person so I can understand it is frustrating for you to not have things well organised. But I think you need to just relax about it and take things as they come, sorry.

I'd be quite upset at the idea of my children having a separate Christmas lunch on their own, it doesn't feel like a family situation.

[HerrenaHarridan]

Yabu.

Do what you want with your own kid and allow others to do the same.

I would smile and nod if you suggested my toddler shouldn't eat with us as she has done for the whole of her life.
Then I would do what I thought best. If you were hosting I wouldn't come as then you would actually be entitled to an opinion.

Agree with the pps who say this sort of attitude to including children in life is the reason some people think their life is over because they have kids.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Some posters obviously have had bad experiences of family dinners...

Nobody is saying that children shouldn't eat with the family but some are saying that commonsense applies. If it suits children to eat earlier then what's to stop the whole family sitting at the table with the children whilst they eat?

Christmas dinner is an event for many people and if young children won't appreciate it and would rather have a little play in between mouthfuls then what difference does the timing make? It's not particularly relaxing, as a parent or as a spectator, to leap up and down, mop up spillages and hold conversations over and above chatter and need for attention.

As a parent, you either do the hopping up and down yourself, or your partner does it - or you rudely compel others to do it. What's the benefit of that exactly when a little time shift with child-feeding removes all of that?

Consideration for others works every which way, not constantly beamed towards children. To do that - and expect it all the time - breeds resentment. 'Family' is NOT children, it's every person within it.

[hardboiledpossum]

I would be annoyed if it was suggested that my ds eat separately to the rest of the family. it would also make it harder to enjoy my food as I would have to keep an eye on him playing whilst I was trying to eat. I would have been grateful if someone had suggested that he could get down and play once he was finished though, I wasn't sure if people would think that was rude, so I struggled to entertain him at the table for the duration of the meal.

[Birdsgottafly]

"I just think the op wants her sil to have dinner when it
is hot "

That isn't always possible when you have twins and it's up to the SIL to decide what's more important.

My youngest is 16, we don't have any young children in the family on Christmas Day. It's a cliche, but I'm sure your Mum knows to treasure these "chaotic" family meals.

This might be the last year that there are Tots in the family at Christmas.

She could be sat on her own, whilst everyone wants to go to their PILs or eat in their own house.

It's gone from people wanting "John Lewis" Christmas trees to the dining experience also.

I agree that there must be time for conversations in the evening.

[georgedawes]

I would feel unwelcome if it was suggested to me when my children should eat.

[Birdsgottafly]

"As a parent, you either do the hopping up and down yourself, or your partner does it - or you rudely compel others to do it. "

The parents aren't objecting to doing it and it isn't rude if it's family.

Family pitches in when children are young, they age, those children grow up and pop in to keep an eye on their now aged relatives.

If you are lucky you get to have wonderful chaotic meals, together (yes I am desperate to become a Nan).

[CrapBag]

YABU.

If someone (especially close family) suggested to me that my kids eat first basically so the adults can eat in peace, which ultimately is what the issue is, then I would be very pissed off and see it that everyone thinks my kids are a nuisance and interrupting an adult meal.

Christmas is about family being together. Many of us are all having dinner together on the day and my kids will have to be sat at a little table of their own as there just isn't the space around the big table but it will be at the same time as the adults and they will join in with us.

Be prepared for your sister to not welcome the idea, hence her not really acknowledging your mothers hints.

[Sirzy]

Exactly Birds.

We went out for a family meal yesterday and my 2 year old nephew was playing up - I had finished eating, nobody else had so I sorted him out. its what family does to help each other isn't it?

[CalamitouslyWrong]

But the little time shift would not make for a relaxing experience for many parents of toddlers (or those dining with them). Lots of us have explained that eating with our children gives us the best chance of getting some dinner ourselves. They don't go into suspended animation just because you've fed them.

[whatever5]

I would be really annoyed if someone suggested that my children should have their Christmas dinner before the rest of the family so the adults can eat in peace. I would probably just stay at home.

[kaymondo]

At the age they are now, rather than upsetting people by suggesting they eat earlier, keep a couple of Christmas sticker books hidden by you chair - produce them when twins have finished eating as special Christmas dinner table treat, leave then to colour/stick stickers all over each other while you finish your meal. I agree with others that trying to supervise them playing away from the table while your eating because they've already had their lunch would be more work than having them eat at the same time!

[HootShoot]

I also would feel very upset at the suggestion that my children ate separately at Christmas. One of my friends always feeds the kids first, even if it's just the two of us with our two dc. I find it odd but I know from what she has said that her family have always done this since she was a child so its normal for her I guess. Did you always eat separately as children?

I did find it laughable that another poster felt it rather entitled to want your children to eat Christmas lunch with you! Also the suggestion that this is a very English thing to do. Most replies here are very clear in saying the OP is being unreasonable.

Also did you really propose this based on last years Christmas dinner? A year is a long time in a toddlers life. They may be great at the dinner table now.

[attheendoftheday]

YABU. If it was suggested to me that my dc shouldn't eat their christmas dinner with the family I'd be pissed off. Why don't you eat your dinner half an hour earlier than everyone else if it's so important that you aren't disturbed?

[MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams]

I have a two year old. The best option for me would be for her to eat early and have a lovely long snooze while I eat and get nerry. But thats not what Christmas is about! she will sit at the table and eat pigs in blankets til she bursts, has lashings of cake and plays.with the cracker toys.
If she gets fractious, she can go watch tv if she fancies.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

People use their own experiences as reference, I suppose. I don't understand why some posters keep banging on about their children being excluded, segregated or other such inflammatory terms. It's not like that at all. OP's family children are very young, possibly too young to appreciate the 'pomp and circumstance' of Christmas dinner. Maybe there are children who aren't too young, who knows? My experience is like the OP's so that's my reference and I wouldn't take issue with a suggestion of earlier dinner for my very young children.

I think that the posters who would be 'outraged' at such a suggestion and leaping to the conclusion that their children aren't welcome are overreacting and quite unreasonable. A simple "They'll be fine with everybody else" would be enough - but then it's up to the parents to make it 'fine', their responsibility. That's how I would have felt as a parent anyway.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Mortified, mine too - not 'suspended animation' but a snooze or happily playing away from the table.

[CalamitouslyWrong]

Both my children enjoyed Christmas dinner from a very young age. I remember toddler DS1 sitting happily in a high chair eating handfuls of sprouts and absolutely nothing else. It was cute and hilarious and everyone enjoyed the meal.

He has never eaten a sprout on any Christmas since then.

[CalamitouslyWrong]

Not everyone's toddlers nap in the afternoon, nor do they go away and play nicely while their parents relax. Toddlers are infinitely variable.

[AngelaDaviesHair]

I think it's a good suggestion, but if your sister doesn't want to do it, she doesn't want to do it.

[jacks365]

It's been mentioned to your sil and ignored so suggesting it again would come across as rude and demanding. If I was put in that position I would be rearranging a family Christmas for myself and my dc at home where we could all feel welcome and relaxed. It is fine to suggest it once but do it more than that and it comes across as an order rather than a suggestion.

[RedundantExpat]

Great idea, OP, but I haven't got a suggestion as to how to make this palatable to your DSis.

[aciddrops]

YABU My mother suggested this to me one Christmas (My kids a bit older though). I was not happy and it was a clear indication that she did not want to sit with her grandchildren. We have had dinner with them significantly less since.

[wordfactory]

I have twins.

The problem here as I see it, is if the DC are fed first then people are still going to have to supervise them during dinner...most probably their Mum.

Or what are you suggesting OP? What will the DC actually do at dinner time if they've already eaten? And who will be looking after them?