To think that it's ok to want to bring up your children and to be a mother, just as it's ok to go out to work instead?

[bronya]

I was brought up to 'have a career' and to think about work not babies. I admit I'd be bored doing nothing, and love the tutoring that I do - but I have no wish at ALL to be the main wage earner and leave the childcare to someone else. When my DS was born, it felt like I was complete. I'm happier, have more self esteem and confidence than I've ever had. I've met many other mums who feel similarly. Surely, our choice is just as valid as those who are WOHM? The point of feminism was that we should have that choice - whichever one we choose is our decision, surely?

[HandMini]

Its a personal choice.

Well is it when it's a choice to be a SAHM?

Because then its a family choice because one stays home and one earns money (in most scenarios)

[HandMini]

Cross post with Messalina

[motherinferior]

I'm lucky enough not to have to feel I am defined purely by my reproductive capacity. I was quite complete enough before giving birth, thank you.

[motherinferior]

And I am intrigued by all these mysterious Things you do during school hours that are so much more important than paid work.

[ravenAK]

crowler 'I also find it interesting that if people are really honest, they would not consider it acceptable for men to be SAHP's more than one or two years past the age of full-time school and certainly not into the teenage years. '

Nope, I don't think that's necessarily true.

When the strain of dh working ft (mostly away all week) & me working ft (mostly long into the evening) becomes too much (mostly towards the end of term...) - we both agree how lovely it would be if he could pack in work & be a SAHP.

Our dc are school-age, so he could potter about in between school runs doing the shopping & cleaning, leaving lots of time for him to write & record music, which is what he loves.

Whereas I rather love my job; I just wish I didn't have to come home & do all the domestic stuff all week too!

I don't think it'd be a weird or unacceptable set up at all. It's just that we'd struggle financially - but give us an unexpected bequest that would pay off the mortgage say, & dh is so in a pinny & bringing me a g'n't every evening at 5pm.

[AhamSaidJackLambe]

I don't know permanently the op will have to tell you that herself

Something must have antagonised her to write a post about it I suppose.

[Lj8893]

Pretty much every family I know that has one stay at home parent is the dad. It works really well for those family's.

I would love to be a sahm (but will have to work at least part time for financial reasons. Dp would hate being a sahd, its just not for him.

Every family is different!

[MoreThanChristmasCrackers]

motherinferior

There are no mysterious things we do at home, just normal stuff raising our dc. By definition couldn't do this for the hours I was working, so chose not to work, no mystery.

[ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas]

Sooo, sahm are still raising the dcs while they are at school, but wohm are not raising theirs when at work? If it works one way it works for both.

Tbh if I asked ds1 what he would prefer he would want me at home. He would also want his father at home. Should we both give up our jobs and go on benefits to please him?

[MoreThanChristmasCrackers]

Of course both sahp wohp are raising their children when they aren't there.
It's just that the amount of time we all do this varies.
some people want/need/choose to do this for more hours than others.
I did what was best for my family whilst others did the best for theirs.
Nothing else should matter.

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

^Of course both sahp wohp are raising their children when they aren't there.
It's just that the amount of time we all do this varies.^

i dont quite understand this - can you give an example?

[shrunkenhead]

Chunder, as long as one of you is looking after your children it's fine. SAHDs are just as good as SAHMs.
Neun, so you're bfing take your trophy/award, and accept that while your children are away from you other values and ideas are being instilled upon them they are in the care of others.

[shrunkenhead]

Motherinferior, there is no mystery to what I do while my dd is at school, I either go to work or if not working clean the house, cook tea, do the ironing etc but I always make sure either me or dh are there to drop her off and collect her from school.

[janey68]

If course other people are going to influence our children as they grow up! It would be a very unhealthy bubble a child would grow up in without interactions with other people apart from one parent!

The important points here are a) the parents remain by far the major influence whether they work or not b) when our children are young we as parents choose the people and environments they are influenced by. If we don't want them to go to nursery, or spend time with a certain relative, or go to a certain friend, we control that. It's another aspect of parenting.

I think some people have a strange view of childcare, as if its something us working parents have no control over; we simply pick a name out of yellow pages, drop our kids off and pick them up again at age 18!!! Maybe if you've never used childcare or have had a poor experience of it then that explains it, but it does seem odd.

Of course, all children become more independent as they grow and as parents we have less control and they make their own decisions about who they spend time with etc. And it's the parenting (not 'mothering' or Staying home ) which is the major influence on shaping our children and guiding them towards independence

[thebody]

good grief this thread is as daft as the cat poo one but nowhere near as funny!

ffs seriously in 2013 really who cares.

personally work doesn't satisfy me or make me a better person and if we won the lottery both me and dh would quit in a heartbeat.

we both work because we have to feed the family and suppose our kids through uni.

as they get older it's like shelling out child card feed all over again, the good years are between 6 and 13, that's the cheap gap.

oh and lottery winners or working full time we are full time parents.

[ormirian]

'instead'?? Who the hell do you think brings up my children and is a mother to them if not me? THe phrase you are looking for is 'as well'.

[whatsthatcomingoverthehill]

YABU to seemingly completely ignore your partners wishes in all of this. What would happen if he didn't want to be the main wage earner as well?

[AdmiralData]

It is each individuals choice to either exclusively be a a SAHM or combine parenting with a career, of course. What pisses me off is the pressure to somehow achieve both simultaneously. Whilst of course maintaining an absolutely perfect life, perfect house, perfect car, perfect perfect perfect ... glares at DB Rant over.

[jellybeans]

YANBU. I am the same. never set out to be a SAHM but tried WOH f/t and hated it. Been a SAHM for 14 years and love it. I do study p/t and if DH had a job with more set hours I would maybe do 1 day a week work but overall I am so happy to be able to spend so much time at home and with the DC. Of course you have to take on board the risks though, you can't have everything in life, but for me time with DC over rode all those risks and downsides.

I agree you have to be strong minded to know you are doing the right thing for your family (not saying SAH is right for every family here as it isn't) and forget all the crap you may get off some working people (I get it off 2 WOHM relatives) and remember you only get one life, life is too short and there is no 'norm' or 'right way' as it changes all the time. So go with your gut and enjoy SAH :)

[jellybeans]

' I was repeatedly asked by a mother with a part time job 'What an earth I find to do all day.'

SunshineMMum you should ask her why on earth she works part time if it is so easy to be at home, doesn't that mean she is lazier than a f/t working mum?! What on earth does she do in all the time she isn't working full time haha.

[shrunkenhead]

Chunderella, he doesn't turn into her parent, he is her grandad!

[BitOutOfPractice]

OP I hope you se the irony of being wound up by thoughtless / crass comments in RL getting on your nerves, then you've just done exactly the same in your title!

Yes, of course. We should all be able to chose what we want to do and what is best for our familes and kids.

I am in the happy position to do just that but I'm sure that there are many wohp who wish they could give up work to be at home but can't afford to. And I'm sure that there are many sahp who want to work but can't find the right job

Mostly I find it's people who feel a bt unsure about themselves and their choice who seem to want to attack the other "side" to justify their choice and it is galling.

Believe me, a a wohm I've had plenty of snide remarks from SAHP about my choice.

[Grennie]

Of course you can stay at home and look after your children. But feminism is also about understanding that we don't make choices in a vacuum. So there are societal reasons that it tends to be women who stay at home, rather than men, such as societies attitudes, and the fact that women are usually paid less than men.