To think that it's ok to want to bring up your children and to be a mother, just as it's ok to go out to work instead?

[bronya]

I was brought up to 'have a career' and to think about work not babies. I admit I'd be bored doing nothing, and love the tutoring that I do - but I have no wish at ALL to be the main wage earner and leave the childcare to someone else. When my DS was born, it felt like I was complete. I'm happier, have more self esteem and confidence than I've ever had. I've met many other mums who feel similarly. Surely, our choice is just as valid as those who are WOHM? The point of feminism was that we should have that choice - whichever one we choose is our decision, surely?

[BluePeterAdventCrown]

I have never met ANYONE in rl who has ever voiced an opinion on this subject. I recall being a bit jealous when my dsis was SAHM when my nephews were small. And she was a bit jealous of me working. But to actually go as far as judging or criticising anyone else's choices? Nah.

[breatheslowly]

What really pisses me off is that people bang on about making a choice to be a WOHM or SAHM, but many women don't actually have a choice. For so many women finances dictate whether the can afford to work/stay at home. I'm lucky in that we as a family do have a choice, though we would have to downsize if I didn't work. But let's not pretend that all women have a choice.

[Bettercallsaul1]

I think, unfortunately, that a state of perfection is rarely achieved in human life - compromises have to be made and balances struck. I think that, while it is undoubtedly better for women to have financial independence - so that they always have a real choice about staying in an unhappy or unsatisfactory partnership - this may not simultaneously be the best thing for children. The people who are the most motivated towards their children's happiness and success are not childminders or nurseries - professional though they may be - but parents, yet so many children are now handed over to strangers to be cared for for most of their waking hours. There is now considerable research to show that nurseries are definitely not the right environment for very young children, who do much better in small groups with one long-term carer who is very responsive to the child's needs. Who could better placed to do this than a parent? But this entails the sacrifice of the mother's (or father's) own individual life - and their financial independence - and there's the rub. A compromise is part-time work until children are school, if this is possible.

[ouryve]

I think you'll find that women who go to work are mothers too, OP

[flatmum]

Ffs has this not been done to DEATH

[FloozeyLoozey]

I don't know any SAHMs socially!

[janey68]

I agree that life is about compromise, and a state of perfection is impossible. Id go further actually and suggest just anyone who seriously strives for perfection, and sees it as attainable, is probably going to be one of life's less fulfilled individuals. They're setting themselves up to feel disapponted and unhappy with their lot. Whereas accepting that all of life is about balancing various people's needs, and accepting the various parameters to our lives, is likely to be a recipe for contentment.
However I totally disagree that loads of children are handed over to strangers for most of their life. I never saw anything like that in the whole time my children attended cm and nursery. What I did see was parents (not mothers) making informed choices about how their family would run. In most cases this meant one or both parents working part time, or both taking more manageable jobs rather than one having to work all hours and the other abandon their work life. Most children I knew weren't at the cm or nursery full time; the majority were part time. But my kids (now teenagers) do have some friends who were at full time nursery and you know what? - they are very Normal well adjusted young people

So I think it's best to judge other people by our own standards: ie- if we know we are doing the best for our own family, then maybe just maybe other people are doing the best thing for theirs.

And I'd add that my children were born in the era when they went into childcare much younger. Many mums are off work for a year now so they are likely to be spending more time with their children then anyway

[handcream]

You can do what you like as long as you arent looking for others (who do not even know you) to support your choices financially

And you dont moan about how you cannot afford this, that and the other. Good for you if you can afford to NOT work. Some of us choose to work to increase our buying power, larger house, perhaps private schools etc.

As long as you dont start complaining about what you cannot afford.... Just like my SIL really who says how lucky I am to have such a good pension. Well, its because I will have blooming well worked for 40 years. Its nothing to do with luck!

[HoleyGhost]

It is your life, do what you want with it. It does not make you better or worse than anyone else.

However, being a SAHP is a lifestyle choice I hope my dc do not opt for. It makes a family very vulnerable to redundancy, marital strife and ill health.

I hope you can get your thread title changed.

[neunundneunzigluftballons]

Has the title been changed? nothing wrong with it IMO. I work full time I think both sides have their merits. I really have never ever experienced judgement for working and I would never judge a SAHM for being a SAHM.

[gordyslovesheep]

Feminism has never said otherwise OP

[JohnnyBarthes]

If only I'd put precious moments above not wanting to be poor, and learnt how to make a chicken last 8 days, I wouldn't have left ds to be raised by wolves.

And now it's too late :(

[MoreThanChristmasCrackers]

Hello OP.

The only objection I have to your OP is you seem to imply if you were sahm and not tutoring this would be doing nothing.

As a sahm who does no work for an employer I am not doing nothing.

For the record my family are not very vulnerable to redundancy, marital strife or ill health more than a family with both parents working. Nor did we allow finances to dictate what choices we made regarding who/sahp.

We are all different not only in choices but how we actually see our choices. Wohp or sahp chances are you see the roles different to the next person.
Lets just be happy for choice.

[Bettercallsaul1]

Never mind, Johnny - all may not be lost! Romulus founded Rome.

[Bettercallsaul1]

(Pity about Remus, though.....)

[neunundneunzigluftballons]

But if you're not there, who is raising your children, It's beginning???! Not nice to hear I know but you have to accept this is the case.

I guess I am one of the lucky ones my kids were born grown up I have no involvement in their upbringing at all . Oh maybe except for the one who is bf at 2 and maybe the 2 other girls I set an example too that maybe they too can have choices when they grow up including staying at home if they choose

[SofaKing]

This subject has once again become a bunfight .

My mum was one of the first women of her generation to go to uni, and campaigned for equal rights. She had to leave uni for three years as when she married my dad, her dad refused to sign her grant form so she had no money to attend, and no power to access her own money.

She said the worst thing about equality as it exists just now, is that women feel obliged to keep working, rather than having the right to. It also enabled employers to halve salaries, ensuring that any families who don't have at least one adult on more money than they require have difficult choices to make.

But knocking each other's choices isn't going to make our own families choices any more justified, so let's support cheap childcare and easy back to work policies, because if we don't make being a sahm and a wohm easier, our dc may not become parents at all. I would hate for that to happen.

[womblesofwestminster]

Mmm i doubt people stop being a mum just because they work

So many pedantic people on this thread. Working mothers may still technically be mothers but they are not doing any mothering while they are at work. I think that's what OP means.

[pianodoodle]

YANBU as long as you and your family are happy any combination of options is valid.

[Crowler]

Do as you wish. Long-term SAHM-hood is not good for women, but that's a macro perspective.

[HoleyGhost]

I am being a mother while I work - I am being responsible for my dc's welfare, acting in their best interests.

As I would be if being a SAHP had been the best choice for us.

[womblesofwestminster]

I prefer to look at it in terms of 'Stay at home parenthood'. It can be done satisfactorily by man or woman.

[Crowler]

I agree. It's normally done by women, though.

[monicalewinski]

Wombles All those comments were in reply to the original title (which the OP acknowledged sounded a bit shitty when she read it back, so had it changed.

The original title was:

To think that it's ok to want to bring up your children and to be a mother, or go out to work instead?

Now the title's changed, it does look quite pedantic when you read all the original posts but it wasn't at the time.