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AIBU?

Feel like pulling DD out of school over this.

95 replies

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 29/11/2013 20:12

I am not normally the one to over react, I think kids will be kids.

However some how a boy 'accidentally' pulled my daughters knickers and trousers down in school.

I do not believe it was an accident, I have said to the teacher this.

Have I over reacted. I really want to pull my DD out of this school

OP posts:

Report

scaevola · 29/11/2013 22:32

We have no way of knowing whether the incident was a deliberate as sound (something out of the blue, accompanied by insults, or following bullying). Or if it was horseplay. Could be either in a 4 year old, and uness there was firm indications to the contrary, then it'll be horseplay. probably the latter - because at that age, bottoms are hilarious. And a 4 year old won't have the insight to realise not everyone will think the same.

Yes, he needs to be told off. Yes, there needs I be a reinforcement of "bottoms are private". But not an expectation that a 4 year old has the abusive intent of a sex offender.

birdynumnums · 29/11/2013 22:33

I think you completely overreacted in my opinion. Especially when you consider the children's ages and if this was a one off incident. Young kids find humour in things like this and they need telling it's wrong. All part of socialisation. I remember pulling my friends pants down in assembly aged 6 or 7. I did it because I thought it would be hilarious. My friend was very upset and I was spoken to very firmly by the teacher. I apologised, never did it again and we were best friends again within a few days.

ICameOnTheJitney · 29/11/2013 22:38

All this advice about getting her to wear a belt or tights is WRONG> she does not need to protect herself against the boy....he should be kept from doing it again!

morethanpotatoprints · 29/11/2013 22:40

I'd just tell her the little boy was being a bit silly.
I'm not sure why some people are surprised it was common in reception when my ds went to school, the girls used to chase the boys and pull their kecks down if they didn't agree to a kiss.
Its only childs play and they soon grow out of it. Making a mountain out of a molehill will only make it worse.

flyingbebe · 30/11/2013 02:21

I think that as long as the boy was made very aware that it was inappropriate and your DD isn't too upset, I would think you are overreacting to pull DD out of school. You are not overreacting to be upset.

It is not abuse or assault. They are 4. If they were 14 or it was adult -> child, then yes it would be a much bigger issue. If the same boy was doing it frequently to the girls then yes, it would be an issue.

Waving this behaviour off as 'boys will be boys' is not appropriate but neither is painting a 4-year-old boy as a abusive sexual predator.

LoopyLobster · 30/11/2013 02:43

What? My DD is this age, and if her teacher told me this had happened my reaction would probably be to laugh. They are 4, FGS. Why on earth my DD would be upset by it, unless she was hurt in the process, is beyond me I think she would probably laugh too.

As a teacher I would speak to the boy to make sure he understands why it's not a good thing to do, and let his parents know. As for suspension etc., wow.

ToysRLuv · 30/11/2013 03:19

Oh my god. DS (4) is almost completely ignorant of and disinterested in private body stuff. He didn't even realise that I don't have a willy until a couple of moths ago after I pointed it out to him, even though we take a shower together on most nights.

holidaysarenice · 30/11/2013 03:24

Do what happened in my school when a boy did this on a few occasions and laughed. The older brother of the girl walked over, pulled the boys trousers down, pointed, laughed and said 'see you don't like it!'

It never happened again.Really what could the teachers say, he had stopped something in ten seconds that they had 'talked' about for weeks.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 30/11/2013 05:56

thank you for all of those have answered, given me a lot to think about

OP posts:

Canthaveitall · 30/11/2013 06:29

I would be upset but assuming its a one off then I wouldn't take my child out of school. I can't quite get my head round the people accusing the boy of abuse. He is 4. You do realise that don't you?

Is your daughter upset about it? I would use it as a chance to talk about boundaries and would expect the school to do the same and keep a close eye but that would be it. I would think it was a reception aged child messing about and making a badly judged decision rather than anything more sinister.

zippey · 30/11/2013 14:59

I wouldnt be too upset about it. Id ask what happened, how it happened and if anyone has spoken to the boy to let him know it was unnaceptable (for his own benefit)

Its just kids being kids though, just a human body and skin and not much more than you'd show at swimming, so no harm done.

zippey · 30/11/2013 15:00

And I wouldnt punish my child by taking her out of school, its not her fault someone played a prank on her.

DirtyDancingCleanLiving · 30/11/2013 15:04

Some of the replies on here are ridiculous. Abuse? Assault? By a reception aged child?

At that age, being silly and pulling trousers down is no more vicious that if they'd pulled someone's hat down over their eyes. It's just a stupid thing to do, by a very young child who thinks it's funny.

Obviously they need to be told off and told that they mustn't - but to attribute any sort of abuse or sinister feeling to it is just ridiculous.

CaroBeaner · 30/11/2013 15:09

Seriously, amongst 4 year olds (and at this time in the school year most will still be 4) this behaviour is completely typical, they see it as 'silly' and funny and have no idea why it might be anything else.

Of course the school must tell the boy, and all the children that silly play like that is not allowed, and I expect that because they made a point of telling you they will also have told the parents of the boy, and asked them to make sure he understands it isn't an acceptable way to play.

But in my opinion, at 4 and 5 it isn't that bad. I would tell my DC no to do it, but if it happened to my dc in YR I wouldn't be worried, if it was a simple one of 'silly' incident.

lalouche · 30/11/2013 15:20

Wow. There are seriously people out there who think a 4 year old pulling another child's pants down constitutes assault and abuse??? Really?!?!?! I actually find that sickening. Why not bring back public hanging for 8 year olds while we're at it. Such attitudes belong in 1532, not the 21st century.

Ubik1 · 30/11/2013 15:27

He's 4!

Jesus Christ

Developmentally they have no idea about the effect their behaviour has on another person, they are entirely egocentric at that age. They only have the slightest inkling that you may know anything different from what they they know. They still think their teachers live at school. There may a glimmer of appreciation that other people at school do not find the same things funny - but these are skills that are developing. Children are not the same as adults, that is why we don't put them in prison.

How on EARTH could a four year old be abusive?

CaroBeaner · 30/11/2013 15:55

So many posts projecting how they think the OP's dd felt about it.
The OP has sad: her DD thought it was funny.
Not upsetting.
Not humiliating.
Funny.

Also highly normal for a 4 yo.

JeanBodel · 30/11/2013 16:01

I think we should remember, as someone else has already said, that at this age they all get changed for PE together. Several times I've picked up my child from after-school club to be confronted with a room full of little boys and girls running around shrieking clad only in their pants.

I am not saying it is right to de-bag someone in the playground but be aware that they are all used to seeing each other in various state of undress. It is not the big deal to them that it might be to us or to older kids.

Floralnomad · 30/11/2013 16:03

Did the boy actually pull her knickers down or did they just come down with her trousers IYSWIM ? I think that if he simply pulled her trousers and the whole lot came down I wouldn't be that bothered.

DirtyDancingCleanLiving · 30/11/2013 16:25

Ds2 is almost 4.

What UBIK said made me think of something...the other week we bumped into ds2's teacher in Tesco. For the look on his face, you'd have though we bumped into the Queen herself.

Comments from him were - 'Mrs X! How are you here? Is this your first time in Tesco? How long are you allowed to be out for?'

He clearly sees his teacher as a fixture of school and was astonished to see her outside school.

To even suggest that a child of this age, with this sort of mentality is capable of abuse assault or some kind of sexual deviance is disgusting.

CommanderShepard · 30/11/2013 18:52

I don't think it's the worst thing ever but I'd want serious words to be had. If it happened again, it would be quite another matter.

ElkTheory · 30/11/2013 19:01

Oh, for heaven's sake. It isn't abuse or assault. What on earth are some people thinking?

The OP has said her DD found it funny. We are talking about very young, innocent children. The boy should certainly be told off, but braying for his blood is a complete overreaction. And removing a child from school over this incident? No, that would be taking things much, much too far, IMO.

UniS · 30/11/2013 19:11

age 5 my DC had trews and pants pulled down by another 5 year old. In the playground after school with both children having a parent there who saw the incident happen. It was 1 little child being silly and impulsive. If they had grabbed DC a few inches higher it would have been their jumper that was pulled and no embarrassment would have occurred. I treated it lightly, just told DC to "pull them up then" Other childs parent swiftly collared their kid and gave them a talking to. the children are still friends , parents are are all still on friendly speaking terms.

OP- I think that pulling your child out of school over one incident where no one was hurt and there need be no long term effects is over reaction.

Minty82 · 30/11/2013 19:30

This happened to me when I was about 7 - we were playing rounders, I was waiting to bat, and a boy in my class ran up, pulled my tracksuit bottoms down and my knickers came down too. I was so shocked I didn't react for about 30 seconds and it was my 'most embarrassing moment' when anyone asked me for the next few years.
BUT he was embarrassed too as he'd only meant to pull my trousers down; it was a joke and seen as such by me, even I didn't like it much, as well as by the class and my teacher; and even at three years older than your DD it was not a big deal. Non-issue.

lilyaldrin · 30/11/2013 19:45

It was naughty. 4 and 5 year olds think bums are funny. Obviously the boy needs to be told off, but if the girl wasn't upset I wouldn't be upset either.

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