Should I breakup with boyfriend who is not ready for kids

[Hellokitty00]

I am 32 and my boy-friend of 2.5 years is 5 years younger than I am.
2 years ago I fell pregnant and as we were both not ready, I had an abortion. I have regretted this decision ever since.
Then earlier ths year I was very unwell for a period and during this time discovered I was pregnant. I was delighted and surprised and wanted to keep it, however my boy-friend did not and became a monster, becoming quite verbally unpleasant. He pleaaded and begged for me to have another abortion saying we would have kids in 2 years time, not having any consideration for what risks there may be, and after realising I would not give in, he threatened to leave me and said some very hurtful things. The stress was immense from the constant arguing and I miscarried.
Becoming pregnant again has awaken my biological clock and now I have such a strong urge for children and am terrified of leaving it much longer as I am not a spring chicken.
I asked him about kids and he now says that he does not know when he will be ready for kids, and that the whole "2 years time" nonsense was said in panic. But that he definately wants kids with me in the future.
He thinks that everything has gone back to normal and that we can just carry on as before however I am offended how against our baby he was, and my parents has expressed that I should have more self esteem and find a better man who will look after me in the emotional sense, as my current boy-friend is like a teenage boy who never grew up.
However I am in love and I do believe that he is in love with me. We are both British but met working abroad. He gave up his job and moved to my city to be together / we h ave shared so much. But I know in my heart that we have no future because of the baby situation, but I am scared of the heart ache and loneliness that will follow if I break up with him. We live together and it will tear me apart seeing him go.
I am crying as I write this. I would like to bear from other ladies who were/Are in simular situations and how you got through it.
Thanks x

Good god, leave. I have been there. Do not try and fill the void with another pregnancy with this man. For the sake of your future children leave x

He might want children in 2 years time he might not. Who knows? But what you do know is that he is controlling abusive manipulative man-child.

so sorry you lost your baby.

You are worth more than he will give you.

He is horrible. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. Thank your lucky stars he's not ready for children. Just get the hell out.

Even without all the nastiness from your 'd'p I'd say leave. My h told me that he didn't want kids but would have them if I wanted as he didn't want to be without me. I should have run. Things have not turned out well. You need to both want children

Dump the chump :(

How about you just leave him because he's a manipulative cunt.

In a nutshell. That.

I am so sorry for your lost of your baby too. Leave. You may or may not meet a new man and have kids, but if you continue with this man your life will not play out well, will it? He does not want kids and that is ok. Being a cunt about it is not. Good luck xx

I find MN to be very "leave the bastard" and sometimes not take into account other factors and feelings. But OP in your case, for fuck's sake LEAVE THE BASTARD.

You want to be happy and have kids etc? Binning this nobhead gets you one huge huge step closer.

Ditch the boyfriend - he's a twunt and you seriously do not want to spend the rest of your life with this man.

You're 32. If your boyfriend was nice than I'd still saying that letting him put the issue on ice for two years was risky. what if he says he's still not sure, what if he asks for two more years, what if it's a definite no. You're then starting again at 34. If you definitely want kids and you're planning to be fussy about who you have them with then this is a risky scenario to deliberately put yourself in.

But your boyfriend is a massive arse. Having kids with him full stop sounds like it would be a massive mistake. This isn't about him needing to grow up, he's already "matured" into a right old cunt. Get rid.

OP, I think deep down you know what would be best for you

Maybe you've disappeared from this thread because it's hard to hear strangers criticising someone that you love.

I get that, but I think you'd be well advised to look carefully at what they're saying. Tough times ahead for you. Sorry about your story. It's very sad

Yes you should definitely break up with your boyfriend. He's an emotionally abusive, selfish, horrible man.
Yes, children are amazing, but you can find many threads here what it is like to have children with abusive, selfish men. Having them with a loving, caring partner is a totally different experience, and you won't have this with your current boyfriend.

I read the title and thought 'stay' as my husband was a good 2.5 years in being ready to try for a baby.

Then read your OP and realised your title is the wrong question!

If a man is worth it then stay, from what you've written in your OP I'd be questioning if he's worthy of you.

Don't break up with him because he doesn't want children, break up with him because he is abusive.

I'm really appreciative of everyone's thoughts on here. I've taken the past few days to digest it all. No other persons apart from my parents know about this and I'm glad I found this forum to get this off my chest.
Just to say, I not making excuses for my boyfriend but this episode was the only time he got really angry and was swearing/screaming at me usually he is gentle and not a bad guy but I do recognise his short-comings in terms of his selfishness and immature behaviour and how he treated me at that delicate time and the unfortunate outcome largely because of it. He is the kind of guy who gets hammered on a night out and loses his phone/ or forgets to phone/ loses wallet/ And we've had countess arguments about this. In spite of this I fear being without him incase other men don't have his good qualities. Sorry, that does sound ridiculous. I've just been in 2 other long-term relationships in my life and in hindsight those were bad choice in men. I guess in part I fell for current boyf because he was the nicest of the lot.

Best of a bad bunch isn't a reason to stay. If you leave him you could focus on saving as much money as possible so if you get to 36/37 and the right guy hasn't appeared, you have a fund to fall back on if you decide to go it alone. You have a few years yet to have kids, but this guy does not want a family with you and has made that very clear by how he has treated you. If you stay, you risk wasting the rest of your fertile years on him, getting to 40, finding he still wont commit to the family life you want, and it may be too late then. Even if he does have good qualities he does not share your vision for the future. And plenty of men have good qualities and they don't try to bully their partners into abortions they don't want.

Nothing in your post would alter my advice which would be to listen to your parents and leave him.

Then after you have left him, don't rush into another relationship until you can work out why you have a pattern of relationships with twunts.

I have never seen such a unanimous thread about relationships.

Sorry about your baby

It is very rare to find somebody without any redeeming features and I know it is confusing when your boyfriend is 'not a bad guy'. He might be OK most of the time, BUT (a big but there) when the chips were down and you needed him he wasn't there for you. You can't trust him. What if you got pregnant again and you got him to calm down enough to have the child, would you trust him to stay with you when the child had arrived? I am not sure I would, not given his past behaviour. He is immature enough to bail at the first difficulty and children put pressure on any relationship, no doubt about it. Good ones, with mature men who want children and are grown up enough to know it takes sacrifices will survive. Relationships with immature men probably won't.

You deserve better, not somebody who will throw their toys out the pram if they don't get their own way. If you are going to have a child with a man you need to be in it together not one of you dragging the other along with the idea against their will.

Get rid of him whilst you still have time to have a breathing space and find somebody worthy of you and your future children because this man isn't.

I'm not making excuses for my boyfriend but

In the nicest possible way, you are making excuses for him.

this episode was the only time he got really angry and was swearing/screaming at me usually he is gentle and not a bad guy

Emotionally abusive men will work in cycles to try and keep you sweet and to keep you doubting yourself. If he was screaming at you all the time, you wouldn't be there. You said earlier that your boyfriend 'became a monster' when you didn't want to have an abortion. Would someone who is 'not a bad guy' do this?

I do recognise his short-comings in terms of his selfishness and immature behaviour and how he treated me at that delicate time and the unfortunate outcome largely because of it. He is the kind of guy who gets hammered on a night out and loses his phone/ or forgets to phone/ loses wallet

What makes you think parenthood will change this? Is this really the sort of man you want to be a father to your children? Or that you want your children to be like?

I've been just been in 2 other long-term relationships in my life and in hindsight those were bad choice in men. I guess in part I fell for current boyf because he was the nicest of the lot.

Best of a bad lot isn't a very good reason to stay though, and I think you know that yourself. Have you considered counselling of some sort? From what you've said it sounds like you've been in a couple of bad relationships and there might be bigger issues at play here. You sound as if you're very frightened of being alone, as opposed to being without him.

You deserve so much better than this. You say you're scared that other men won't have his good qualities, but while you're stuck with him you rule out any possibility of finding anyone who has better ones. Please consider contacting women's aid for a chat and saying to them what you've said here. Things can be better than this for you

Hellokitty I fell for a man who claimed to love me, was amazing and wonderful, as long as everything was going his way. When I found myself pregnant that all changed until he realised it was too late for an abortion then it was all apologies and he didn't really think things through bla bla bla. Then the next issue occurred and I stood my ground again and again I just got verbal abuse and emotional blackmail this time though it opened my eyes to the fact he really is a twunt. Lets just say mine and our child's life are less stressful and more enjoyable now I'm not just waiting for the next outburst.He tthought he'd always be able to twist me round his little finger but he found out he was wrong. Life does get better when you walk away from someoneabusive.

Just to add, FWIW, even if he wasn't an emotionally abusive twunt, I would be advising you to leave him.

I was with a petulant manchild who didn't want kids (when we split up he got very indignant saying that he never said neverwanted kids. He did, however, say he would hate to have them, so it seems like splitting hairs to me). I remember (of all fucking things) being in a chip shop seeing a Mum playing with her baby in the buggy and thinking if I stay with this man, I will never have this. So I broke up with him. I was scared of finding another relationship and it was incredibly painful, but it was the right thing to do.

I went on to meet a wonderful, kind man and have been with him for the last three and a half years. Our daughter is due December 20th. While I can't promise everything will be amazing if you leave your bf, but if you stay with him you won't get the kind of future that you want or deserve.

Sorry but I don't think he will ever be ready to have kids, it's easy to say some time in the future but you have to ask yourself what will change. If you really want a family, move on. Easier said than done but you'll wait for ever.

Leave him. Walk away. Now. While you can. Don't look back, don't regret your decision, don't pretend that he has what it takes to become the type of father you want for your children. Because he really doesn't.

The loneliness when you break up will seem so irrelevant when you find someone who treats you properly and wants to start a family with you. You'll look back on the whole thing in complete disbelief that you ever put up with this utter arse hole. Seriously.

I have been in your "best of a bad bunch" situation a couple of times and know how easy it could've been to settle down a man who was ok/better than the others but actually not right for me. But if I'd have settled for an ex, I'd have never met the absolute love of my life.

You haven't found the right man yet. Don't settle for this. Get out now while you can. Move on. Focus on the positives. Focus on your future without him, not what you think he could become if you manage to change him. It won't happen.

He doesn't want kids with you. He'll be able to reproduce when he's sixty if he wants. You don't have too long especially if you want more than one. Leave him and find a nice man who wants to make babies with you.