To be sick of my friends arrogance

[NancyShrew]

I have a fairly good friend who is convinced that everyone fancies her, to the point where another friend was talking about introducing her new boyfriend and she said "oh but what if he fancies me, that will be awkward!", which I thought was a completely inappropriate thing to say.

In actual fact the boyfriend in question (and indeed other men) have made joking but derogatory comments about the friends appearance beforehand - not exactly giving the impression they fancy her, but I've always totally and utterly defended her, said she's gorgeous etc.

It's just getting a bit wearing, particularly when she tells me I need to dress more like her, lose weight, change my hair etc. I'm no oil painting but I do think I can hold my own, I get the odd bit of male attention/compliments from strangers etc.

I do love her and in my eyes she's beautiful and I'm sure there are a lot of people who think that too, but AIBU to be fed up of being constantly told how many people fancy her and how I should be more like her?

[NancyShrew]

Realistically she is mediocre IMO, she's not ugly but she's quite "strong", tall and almost masculine looking. Some would say she looks like a model, others not so much.

Feel horrible now!

[Wuxiapian]

She's obviously lacking in confidence and needs to be pitied - remember that,OP.

[PumpkinPositive]

So why do you keep telling her she's "gorgeous"? It's probably comments like that which feed her delusions.

From your description of her looking like a model, sounds as if she has the kind of appearance that could polarise opinions.

[LaRegina]

Does she have a boyfriend OP?

Shag him - that'll teach her

[Calloh]

LaRegina

[GeneHuntsMistress]

Is her name Samantha Brick?

Oh no I forgot - she doesn't have any female friends.

[LaRegina]

[NancyShrew]

laregina she doesn't ATM but we've already been there with her scumbag ex, who tried it on with me once. When I told her she laughed and told me I must be mistaken and when I fairly forcibly told her that I wasn't and he was definitely making a play for me she said "oh god he must have been really drunk" I was

[Wuxiapian]

Low self-esteem. Not easy to fix.

[DuchessFanny]

I've come across several women like this and one who was a very good friend, not stunning, not ugly, but seriously so far up their own arses they could see their internal organs. But not one had a boyfriend or much male attention and all would put other women down. I'm now convinced it's a defense tactic in some and plain delusion in others.

Thing is most of us are too polite to not say ' shut up ! You're NOT all that actually ' and burst the bubble for the delusional and too kind to say it to those we know just have serious insecurity .

[NancyShrew]

For those saying I should stop telling her she's gorgeous, I don't tell her unless she brings it up/asks. If she asks if I think she's good looking I can hardly say no!

The thing is, I could be about to become single :(, so the competition will then increase ten fold.

[diddl]

"If she asks if I think she's good looking I can hardly say no!"

Why not??!!

She's ridiculous to ask!

God, she sounds an absolute bore & nasty too tbh-putting you down to make herself better-some friend!

[Owllady]

My Mum is a bit like this(seriously)
She is incredibly insecure, lacks in self esteem and was in abusive relationship for years
I put it down to that
She has got slightly better with age...

[Crowler]

Speechless. What a knob. I'd love to spend an evening with her.

[PukingCat]

In actual fact the boyfriend in question (and indeed other men) have made joking but derogatory comments about the friends appearance

Its sounds as though you're hanging around with a lot of superficial people.

[Lizzylou]

I have known a few people like this. One was definitely very insecure, masked it with outrageous arrogance and another I am not sure about. Her husband does worship her, so that could be something? I mean they have been married years, mid 40s and he is obviously still v besotted.

[treaclesoda]

I used to have a colleague like this. She once said to me 'but of course, your husband would find me much more attractive than he finds you, if he met me'. I laughed out loud because I thought she was joking, but I discovered from her reaction that she was deadly serious.

I also know another woman who is obese, greasy hair, poor personal hygiene, lives amongst dozens of pets and smells of them, only ever dresses in saggy tracksuit bottoms and t-shirts, who makes similar comments about men coming on to her. She constantly makes comments about not wanting to be alone with someone eg taxi driver, man reading the meter etc, because 'I saw the way he looked at me, you never know what he'd do to me'. I find her behaviour quite worrying, tbh.

[AngelsLieToKeepControl]

If she asks again just shrug and say 'I've seen better' and laugh. If you stop telling her she is gorgeous she will stop asking, but if you do it in a jokey way she can't accuse you of being jealous.

[treaclesoda]

I think the problem for the OP here is that if you reach the end of your tether and stop spending time with her she will take it as final confirmation that you are in fact jealous of her. Its a tricky situation.

[BlingBang]

Do grown people really act like this - bizarre.

[PukingCat]

Treacle. What?! How on earth did she justify that comment?

[Crowler]

I think treacle probably meant her friend will "know" (incorrectly) that the OP is jus' jellus

[EldritchCleavage]

For those saying I should stop telling her she's gorgeous, I don't tell her unless she brings it up/asks. If she asks if I think she's good looking I can hardly say no!

Have you tried saying 'Why do you ask?' or even 'Why do you keep asking?' because it is actually quite odd behaviour. Why does she nee to know what you think of her looks, and keep asking about it? You seem to be being used for reassurance all the time, but she withholds even basic courtesy from you.

Given she gives you no such consideration, why tiptoe around her feelings like this?

And if the 'competition is about to increase ten fold' perhaps you should avoid her?

[treaclesoda]

Puking do you mean my colleague? Well, she just said that it was only natural that he'd find her more attractive than he finds me, because any man would. But it was nothing personal because she was more attractive than all the other women in the office too


well, thanks for that! Luckily, I found her arrogance so breathtaking as to be amusing, rather than upsetting.

[ArbitraryUsername]

If she asks again, try evasion. Why do you ask? Are you worried that people don't find you attractive! Etc. You don't actually have to flatter her ego.

I can honestly say, it would never occur to me to ask a friend if they thought I was attractive. It's just not something I can imagine bringing up. I don't think my friends care about my level of attractiveness.

Your friend sounds terribly insecure. Most people don't really think about whether people fancy them or not. The question just isn't relevant to most of the people we interact with or encounter on a daily basis.

Well, I say that, but I do laugh at some of the stuff that DH's young female students do which can only be because they fancy him (stuff like sending their friends out to ask what his star sign is after a lecture because they're too shy to do it themselves). Even then, that's probably not because he's so stunningly attractive and charismatic (arf); it's because the power differential and weird lecturer-student situation seems to do strange things to some people. I remember being perplexed when one of my friends told us how she was 'in love' with our lecturer. She clarified by explaining 'I'm not in love with his body, but with his mind', and I don't think she was 100% serious.