Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3

AIBU?

To wonder if this guy knows his baby DD's grandad is a convicted paedophile?

55 replies

YourHandInMyHand · 28/10/2013 00:19

A relative of mine is still in touch with her dad despite him being found guilty of child sex offences. She has a partner and a baby and I feel sick at the thought of this baby being anywhere near her grand dad.

The offences he were found guilty of were against young female relatives.

Do you think this guy knows who his baby daughter is spending time with?

OP posts:

Report

CanucksoontobeinLondon · 28/10/2013 02:04

Boarding, it may be odd wording, but it may also be the most practical way to ensure the child's safety. If the child's father doesn't know about his father-in-law's past conviction (and if the child's mother is in total denial about what her dad did to her, she probably hasn't told her partner), then maybe making sure he finds out what his FIL is capable of could be a good thing. I would hope that a good father would insist on a convicted sex offender either not having any access at all to a child, or only access closely supervised by a social worker. Ideally no access at all, obviously.

The child's mother doesn't sound like she's going to be of much help in ensuring the child's safety, due to being in denial. Her partner may be able to help, if he finds out about the conviction. Of course, it's possible he already knows and has bought into the convenient story about it all being a pack of lies. A lot of people would much rather believe children are lying than believe people they know could be sex offenders. But from an outsider's POV, I'd say the child's father is probably the best bet for removing the child from an environment where she could be abused.

Stephb88 · 28/10/2013 02:09

You can also report anonymously on the NSPCC website giving as much detail as possible and they pass on the concern to the local social services department to investigate. It works....

petalsandstars · 28/10/2013 03:20

If you contact your local police force you can make an enquiry under sarahs law and there is an automatic investigation to assess the risk. You may not be given the results but the parents or someone best placed to safeguard the child will.

IneedAsockamnesty · 28/10/2013 06:49

Petal.

Under Sarah's law someone else can enquire but only the person best placed to protect the child will be informed.

That's a really good idea but it may be worth the op telling them that the father is the best placed person to protect as opposed to the mother and for the op not to worry if they don't get back to her because obviously her children are not exposed so not at risk

earlymorning789 · 28/10/2013 07:18

NC because I have been in this situation. My stepfather abused us and we were taken into care as a result. As adults I haven't seen my mother or her husband since but my brother is in touch with them. My brother and his DW have 2 children a boy and a girl and I told his DW what happened. On fb I saw pictures of both of them on a family day out at a play centre with DB, his wife and kids. I called and emailed the photo to the play centre and told them who they had in their play centre and they said they would inform all staff. I also reported my DB to SS. It is a difficult situation but I had to protect my DB's children as he obviously wasn't. DB hasn't spoken to me since but I had to do it just in case.

Preciousbane · 28/10/2013 07:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pixiepotter · 28/10/2013 07:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

HandragsAndGladbags · 28/10/2013 08:11

Really Pixie? I don't think you understand how abuse victims can react to their abuser.

The mother was abused by this relative, and yet still goes to see him with her young child.

Do you think she perhaps doesn't have the most balanced view of events? She is placing her child at risk by seeing him with the child.

You need to tell someone OP, and I agree that you need to get across the father is the person best able to judge the situation.

pixiepotter · 28/10/2013 08:14

I am guessing she doesn't want to cut off her mum.Seriously if the baby isn't alone with the abuser, where is the problem?

Tuonz · 28/10/2013 08:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

BroodyTroody · 28/10/2013 08:21

Why does every thread on here asking for advice seem to turn nasty towards the OP?

Pixie, if you have nothing nice or useful to say, it's better to say nothing at all. "You sound like a bit of a shit stirrer" how helpful. The OP has come to ask for help for god sake.

OP, I think by reporting your concerns you are definitely doing the right thing- if SS are satisfied that the child is safe, the responsibility of the decision, particularly as an outsider, is out of your hands. I hope you make the right choice for you.

flippinada · 28/10/2013 08:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

flippinada · 28/10/2013 08:25

YourHand you are doing the right thing - good for you.

ObamasElfWithAOuijaBoard · 28/10/2013 08:36

For goodness sake Pixie, unless I have misread/misunderstood YourHand has said someone being there wouldn't stop him from it.

You were not abused by this man, you do not know him or what he is capable of. OP does so I feel she should do what she feels is necessary to prevent him from abusing again.

strruglingoldteach · 28/10/2013 08:46

Pixiepotter, do think for a moment. It's not ok for children to see abusers on a regular basis so long as they're not left alone- because abusers are experts at grooming. A child who regularly visits a paedophile will get to know them, build a relationship with them, trust them. Then it's just a matter of time.

Seriously, this should not need spelling out to anyone.

mrsjay · 28/10/2013 08:59

this man shouldn't be anywhere near the baby was it before the sex offenders register ? I know now that offenders are not really allowed near children especially family children I would report it simple as,

SeaSickSal · 28/10/2013 09:01

Can you not approach the Dad first and talk to him? I think that approaching social services right off the bat might be throwing the baby out with the bath water.

If you approached him to discuss you might find out that they are very aware and careful that they are always with her in his company. If they can't reassure you of this then approach social services. Could you talk to the mother or father before you do? Or is there another relative who is on more contact who could talk to them?

But I agree with the other posters that you can't be sure they are placing her at risk. You say you've cut them off so I'm not sure you have the full details of if and when the baby sees him. I wouldn't want to expose a family to an ordeal with social services without doing a little more investigation.

mrsjay · 28/10/2013 09:01

resumably the baby's mum knows though.Why would you think she woiuld place her child at risk? It's fine as long as the kid is not unsupervised.You sound like a bit of a shit stirre

just because a childs parent know doesn't mean a child is safe this woman may think he is cured or safe. paedophilles are patient they will wait and wait to abuse a child keeping a baby safe is not shit stirring, have you had personal experience of this pixie and think you can control a situation becauseyou can't ,

flippinada · 28/10/2013 09:07

Seasick as the OP was abused by this man and knows far better than you what he is capable of I'd say she is doing exactly the right thing.

As for suggesting she investigates - that's not her responsibility is it?

mrsjay · 28/10/2013 09:10

I agree why should the OP investigate she knows this baby is near this man no more investigation needed imo, this man may never offend again but ....

forumdonkey · 28/10/2013 09:12

I know of a schedule one offender who after incarceration went back to his family which had 2 children one 10yrs and one 5yrs. He was also allowed to come into DC 5yrs school and this was supported by his SW (he had a reason to be there - his DC) so I doubt SS would do anything to prevent this woman visiting her DF especially if he is not in sole charge of the baby.

IMO the DF of the baby has a right to know and I would be seeking to tell him.

SeaSickSal · 28/10/2013 09:30

Because investigation by social services is incredibly traumatic for everybody involved.

I've had friends who've had malicious reports made (not that I am suggesting for a moment that is what the OP is doing) and it really has been an awful terrifying experience for them.

If this was me personally I would want to get more information and give the parents a chance to explain themselves. It could be the case that the mother is in touch with the Dad but doesn't take the child to see him. I suppose if the OP really feels unable to do this she will have no choice but to go straight to SS.

But I don't agree that parents can't protect their children from this. As a child the son of a very close relative who looked after us regularly was convicted of a sex offence against a child. She continued to look after us and sometimes we went round and he was there. We were never left alone with him and knew to never ever knock at her house under any circumstances.

I think it's perfectly possible that the mother is also protecting her child. Like I say, if it was me I would want to get more facts before assuming the child was put at risk, but I understand if the OP feels she can't do that.

SeaSickSal · 28/10/2013 09:32

Sorry, that should have said 'very close family friend who might as well have been a relative' not a very close relative.

flippinada · 28/10/2013 10:46

I'm sorry your family had to deal with thatSeasick and I can appreciate that a malicious SS report musty be incredibly distressing.

However - this isn't malicious - and we (general we) can't assume that the mother is keeping her DC safe. Also bearing in mind that paedophiles can be incredibly manipulative.

I don't if this is a situation where speaking to the NSPCC might also be helpful.

flippinada · 28/10/2013 10:46

Your friends, sorry, not your family.

Flip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.