Is he doing this deliberately?

[Wuldric]

I asked DH to cook Sunday lunch this weekend. He blanched, but when I pointed out that the DCs were doing breakfasts, I had done Friday evening, Saturday lunch and evening, and Sunday evening, he manned up.

It was a roast. What could be easier? It's all peeling and chopping. So this is what happened.

Roast lamb - I would have cooked this with slivers of garlic, plenty of rosemary, salt, black pepper and red wine, and served it pink and juicy and delicious. We got dry and overcooked lamb. No extras. You try overcooking lamb until it is dry. It is not good. In fact it is pretty hard to overcook lamb until it is inedible. DH, however, succeeded.

Roast potatoes - Roasties are simples. You boil some potatoes, drain and slather them in goose fat (we have jars of the stuff) and salt and black pepper. Never leave them in for longer than an hour. DH presented us with roasties that had been carbonised. I have never tasted such things. Imagine something black on the outside, and the inside had shrivelled and detached from the outside. Little buttons of burned stuff.

Gravy - he presented us with bisto granules. I have binned this stuff since I saw it creeping into the cupboard. They are nonsense. Nasty and artificial and somewhat sinister. And lumpy.

Vegetables - I don't even want to tell you about the vegetable abuse. You would call vegetable social services. In any event, they were so soggy that they were almost liquified. You try presenting liquified carrots and parsnips. It takes a real man to liquify a parsnip without electrical assistance.

Yorkshire puddings - purists amongst you will have noticed that the roast in question was lamb. Yorkshire puddings are served with beef. DH is from Yorkshire therefore feels that no meal is complete without a Yorkshire Pudding. Despite his undoubted Yorkshire heritage, DH managed to serve black nuggets. Black nuggets are never ever going to catch on. I understand now why the smoke alarm kept going off repeatedly.

He is doing this deliberately, isn't he?

[HardFacedCareeristBitchNigel]

All I can say is, Doormat, if you enjoy your life living up to your name then bully for you.

Personally there is no way on God's green earth that I would live with someone who could apparently manage to do complex DIY tasks but when faced with the simple task of switching on an oven was unable to do so. FFS. Lots of men use the "but I do DIY" argument to get out of cooking - well I'm not aware of any DIY task that needs to be done 3 times a day, 365 days per year for the rest of your life.

Even my Dad, who my Mum waits on hand and foot, can make a reasonable shift at making a roast dinner if he needs to. Heaven knows what will happen if your husband would do if you had to go into hospital to have a hip operation for 10 days. Oh yeah, he'd have to manage.

I'm going to hide this thread. I literally cannot believe that women that are intelligent enough to use the internet and sign onto a forum still believe this patriarchal nonsense. And I am certainly no bra-burning, dungaree wearing feminist

[BuzzardBirdBloodBath]

Cooeeey! name looks lovely! :)

[youretoastmildred]

I think he should cook something he has chosen and knows how to do (even if he has learnt how to do it by watching youtube videos).

I do think it is harder to cook a meal (rather than a single dish) than you think. I think you are probably very practised. I think you have probably spent a significant proportion of your life working on this skill and even though you now know how to do it, it takes thought and care and attention, which you might not notice yourself devoting to it, but you are. You might look as if you are lounging on the sofa reading Mariella Frostrup dole out incredibly obvious and prolix advice to some love-lorn loser, but actually in the back of your mind you are thinking "roasties in the oven in 5 mins or so".

To deny this is to deny all the energy and thought and labour that I think we should be congratulated for. By and large it is women who have these skills (in a domestic context), which they have through hard work and being clever, and I find it a little bit annoying and foot-shooting when women slag off their men by way of implying it is all dead easy. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against slagging off the men. I just think it should be done by way of pointing out that it takes effort and skill which you habitually invest in making your family's life better, and so should he. some men make the mistake of thinking it should be effortless because they don't respect the women who make it look so. So their crap results are due to lack of effort. Don't let them get away with it by implying it should be effortless. Make them put the effort in.

So tell him to choose something else next time. Do an ocado. Put everything on it that you want. Then pass him the lap top and say "Just add the things you need for your Sunday lunch". Leave it to him and when he moans and whines and the food is nasty, late and inadeqate, smile and say "we all have to start somewhere. Have a think about what you'd like to try next week"

If you are heavily invested in Sunday lunch though maybe make it Saturday dinner?

[Grennie]

I agree that he did not try. He was pissed off at having to actually cook, and either deliberately made a mess of it, or just didn't care.

[MomOfTwoGirls2]

I do all the cooking in our house. I don't do roasts very often, and I dont find them that easy. On a bad day, it is entirely possible that I could cock up the lot of it.

Give the man the benefit of the doubt. But keep him on the cooking rota, maybe he is out of practice.

[shellbot]

I'm on the fence here. I think it would be difficult to ruin every item of food accidentally so I think he might have done it on purpose. Or put everything in the oven and forgot about it.

But I think you were unreasonable to tell him what to cook. I would have let him choose.

I had a bit of a chortle about your Yorkshire pudding comment though. Really people in Yorkshire think no meal is complete with Yorkshire pudding? Can just imagine pasta with a Yorkshire pudding hidden in it.

I can second what the poster said about Yorkshires being served before the meal. Someone I used to know (88 year old Barnsley ex miner( used to do this.

[doormat]

grennie what has my username got to do with this..
do you actually think i am sort of downtrodden saddo that waits in anticipation for her darling man to come home, put his slippers on, make his dinner...and pamper to his every whim

this is how judgemental some of you can be

i am exactly the opposite..
i sit and wait on no man..he is quite capable of making a buttie if he is hungry..or getting a bowl of cereal.. i cook one meal a day, from scratch in the morning..if they dont like it tough..my dc have all but one left home and he is 12..i cater to him no one else

have been on this forum for over 10 yrs on and off because i have a life and things to do

do i ask you about your username ..

quite frankly i dont care as i dont make preconceived judgements

[Grennie]

Mildred - That is a really good post.

[TheHeadlessLadyofCannock]

doormat, he wasn't asked to make Cordon Bleu food, just a dinner. And it wasn't his first time ever cooking.

TBH the most worrying aspect of all this is that a grown adult had to be asked to cook for his own family, and 'blanched' at the thought and had to be argued into it.

Hi Buzzard!

[MadeOfStarDust]

I agree with doormat - and that does not make us "stepford wives"

my family thank me for a meal - even if not perfect.... I muck stuff up sometimes....

I love not the way I'm not allowed to disagree with the view that everyone should "take turns" at everything...

[LtAllHallowsEve]

I had a very similar issue with my DH. Any time he was expected to cook it was "open a jar, bung it in pan" bollocks. If he made something else it was generally pretty horrible - overcooked or over seasoned or a stupid combination (Smoked Haddock with new potatoes.....and GRAVY anyone?).

He blew up one night after DD told him his dinner was horrible - called her ungrateful and the like. Problem was - it WAS horrible, and I told him so.

When he'd finally stopped sulking, I told him that things had to change - if he wasn't confident in the kitchen then he had to start using cookbooks and follow the instructions, and if he couldn't do that, well what was the point in him staying around? I loved him, but I didn't need him - especially if I was the one doing all the cooking and cleaning as well as being the only one bringing in a wage.

It took time, but he now makes a lovely sausage in onion gravy meal, a chicken curry meal, a veg pie meal, a decent spag bol and a fabulous mac n cheese that DD and I would eat every day!

Sometimes it's repetative, but that's better than inedible. I still make the Sunday Lunches - but that is because I like making them, and love the way they taste (I even hate going 'out' for Sunday lunch because I don't like the way other people cook it!)

[youretoastmildred]

" "open a jar, bung it in pan" bollocks"

That reminds me of an ex who made a huge song and dance about how he was going to Cook for me one night. It was in the calendar. I had to make sure I hurried home from work (he got the hump because I was a bit late actually, he was long term jobless and didn't get how these things work)

It was... penne and sauce from a jar.
No salad.
no starter.
No pudding.

I was supposed to be foaming at the mouth with gratitude.

I am a really, really hatey person these days. Things like this keep coming into my head and ATTACKING me with resentment and annoyance. I am stuck inside my own head and it is a horrible place to be. Someone, please, lead me into the light.

[Grennie]

Mildred - Have you fairly recently realised all this gendered crap? If yes, then anger and resentment is normal. But it does get easier.

[doormat]

madeofstardust

admitting ppls strengths and weaknesses and dealing with it head on and accepting it does not make us stepford at all

hardfaced who on earth cooks 3 times a day 365 days a year..
i certainly dont..got better things to do than faff about with all that lark..

if you read my post about the egg you would know that my dh and a hob ..was cooker at time..nearly killed us all in our sleep....they dont mix and wouldnt like him to even attempt it..

as for if i went into hosp..been there done that..one of my daughters will come here n stay n cook ..

[Grennie]

You needed your daughter to come and stay and cook for your DP

[Thumbwitch]

YY to Yorkshire pud being served before the meal - my grandma (from Sheffield) always did that. She did a big square pan of it and then cut it up, and her gravy was always just the meat juice with a little flour to thicken it - it was great! Followed by whatever meat we were having.

[TheHeadlessLadyofCannock]

'as for if i went into hosp..been there done that..one of my daughters will come here n stay n cook ..'



If your DP went into hospital would someone need to come and cook for you?

[Gileswithachainsaw]

We really need to stop making excuses for him.

So he couldn't cope with a roast dinner - I'm sure op would have been fine with that. Had there been some evidence he'd made an effort to try. Ie there was a text or phone call asking a question or there was a book open or the lap too in the kitchen with a recipe on.

He didn't say he didn't know how to do it. He just didn't want to do it. And I agree that the idea of feeding his family should have been in his head because as a dad that's part of the job surely. This round of applaae everyone seems to think he deserves for merely chucking it all in an oven is ridiculous. He didn't cook he forgot about it and incinerated everything.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

And I would expect my do to be pissed off with me if the roles were reversed.

Because as an adult we should be able to know our own strengths and abilities and I should have put some thought into the situation and either adapted the meal to something I could so or MADE it my responsibility to inform myself on how to do it!!

[doormat]

yes shock horror ...the daughters offer because they were there being dragged out of house in middle of smoke filled house many years ago..they know he is dangerous whenit comes to cooking..

[Gileswithachainsaw]

Then why hasn't he some something about it? He's got himself well out of that one hasn't he

[youretoastmildred]

Thanks for the flowers, Grennie. But no, it is the opposite. I have been acutely aware of shit like this for far too long. It is the inevitability, and the familiarity, that are getting to me, as much as anything.

[doormat]

is that to me giles..why hasnt he done something about it

[Gileswithachainsaw]

Yeah. I mean surely he would have tried to work on it. Why on earth would be accept being unable to fulfil his duty to feed his family of you weren't in the house.

Kids at school can do basics.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

What did he do before you met him? Did he eat?