I asked DH to cook Sunday lunch this weekend. He blanched, but when I pointed out that the DCs were doing breakfasts, I had done Friday evening, Saturday lunch and evening, and Sunday evening, he manned up.
It was a roast. What could be easier? It's all peeling and chopping. So this is what happened.
Roast lamb - I would have cooked this with slivers of garlic, plenty of rosemary, salt, black pepper and red wine, and served it pink and juicy and delicious. We got dry and overcooked lamb. No extras. You try overcooking lamb until it is dry. It is not good. In fact it is pretty hard to overcook lamb until it is inedible. DH, however, succeeded.
Roast potatoes - Roasties are simples. You boil some potatoes, drain and slather them in goose fat (we have jars of the stuff) and salt and black pepper. Never leave them in for longer than an hour. DH presented us with roasties that had been carbonised. I have never tasted such things. Imagine something black on the outside, and the inside had shrivelled and detached from the outside. Little buttons of burned stuff.
Gravy - he presented us with bisto granules. I have binned this stuff since I saw it creeping into the cupboard. They are nonsense. Nasty and artificial and somewhat sinister. And lumpy.
Vegetables - I don't even want to tell you about the vegetable abuse. You would call vegetable social services. In any event, they were so soggy that they were almost liquified. You try presenting liquified carrots and parsnips. It takes a real man to liquify a parsnip without electrical assistance.
Yorkshire puddings - purists amongst you will have noticed that the roast in question was lamb. Yorkshire puddings are served with beef. DH is from Yorkshire therefore feels that no meal is complete without a Yorkshire Pudding. Despite his undoubted Yorkshire heritage, DH managed to serve black nuggets. Black nuggets are never ever going to catch on. I understand now why the smoke alarm kept going off repeatedly.
He is doing this deliberately, isn't he?
AIBU?
Is he doing this deliberately?
Wuldric · 23/10/2013 00:54
OP sounds somewhat fussy, particularly over the gravy part. I don't like Bisto either but I wouldn't expect someone who doesn't do much cooking to know how to make a proper gravy.
I know DH can't cook - I try to keep him out of the kitchen since the time he tried to offer me a stir fry made with stewing steak 
. He doesn't do it on purpose - he once did roast lamb, that was literally him chucking the lamb in a roasting dish in the oven, amazingly it turned out ok.
He does a curry occasionally but honestly I'd rather he didn't. What he makes is usually ok, but I have to ooh and aah over it as if I didn't cook all the other evenings/lunches/pack lunches.
I find the timings tricky with roasts - I end up with cold stuff that I try to disguise with hot plates and boiling gravy.
I'd leave the bastard op. Useless bastard 
Or buy him a cookery course for christmas and make him do sunday lunch every week until its perfect 
TheHeadless, if you're asking Bogeyface what her last comment meant, she's referring to this from the OP:
"Although this solution - she is a diva and he is an idiot and they deserve each other is very likely also true 
" as this is what Bogey said about them.
Ah no worries, TheHeadless! Shouldn't stick my beak in really 
You might be a bit U. (apart from the part about yorkshires, which obviously should only ever be served with beef
It was all over cooked. Easily done 
Here DH does most of the cooking. He would say that a roast was easy but I am out of practice since marrying Gordon fucking Ramsey and I could easily screw up a "simple" roast.
Boney, sorry, I still don't think I get what you mean or if you and I are disagreeing . I meant that the phrase 'the poor menz' made me laugh; not sure why, it just tickled me.
I'm not clear on what you're referring to as 'a derogatory term used often to stifle debate and opinion.' Are you saying 'the poor menz' is that? If so then I don't think the poster who used it meant it like that.
Sorry, this is all very dull (and I think I'm hijacking a bit) but I'm a bit slow on the uptake sometimes!
I see! No worries about apologising. I didn't think you thought it was me who used the term anyway.
Although I still find 'the menz' (with or without the 'poor') amusing. It's just a funny phrase –or it is to me, anyway.
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