Another weddingy/children-y/invitey one

[InWithTheITCrowd]

I know there's nothing I can do about this, but I just wanted to know if I am being unreasonable in feeling a bit sad about this.

A good friend and colleague of mine is getting married in two weeks. I've had the invitation for the evening part for ages. The invitation doesn't actually say who is invited, just a generic "You are invited to the wedding of...."
I can't remember what was on the envelope.

Originally, my parents were going to have DS (aged 4) so DH and I could go, but then they got the opportunity for a last minute holiday, so I said I would ask the bride if we could take DS, and if it was a "no children" wedding, DH would stay home with DS and I'd go with my other colleagues from work. No probs.
Before I managed to contact her, about two weeks ago, DH landed a new job and is now working nights, so can no longer have DS that evening if he needs to.

I phoned the bride to ask if it was OK to bring DS, and she replied with "I just can't have children or partners of work colleagues because of numbers". I said that was OK but that I have absolutely no one to have DS so wouldn't be able to come. Then I said "Oh, I didn't realise it was no partners either" and she replied "Oh, that's just for people from work. My other friends are bringing their partners and children, of course, but it's just a numbers thing"
So basically, the wedding will be full of kids (my friend has several nieces and nephews of a similar age to DS) and her other friends and family are all bringing husbands/wives/partners etc, but work colleagues can't bring partners or kids, and that is now the reason I can't go.

So, when I saw her at work, I said "I'm so sad that I can't come to your wedding" and she said "Well, family comes first"

It's not a case of "family comes first" though - I would really prefer to go to her wedding, but I don't want to push or hassle about it, because she obviously has this rule. I've spoken to my colleagues about it, and none of them actually want to take their kids - in fact, most of them are booking into hotel rooms so they can make a night of it

I know, I know - it's her wedding and it's her rules. And she is genuinely such a lovely person, but I feel as though she has just made up this rule arbitrarily to solve a problem, and can't quite see that her "rule" is the one thing that is stopping me from going. We've been colleagues and friends for 8 years, and we are ordinarily quite close.

I just feel sad that I'm missing out on a) her wedding and b) what looks like being a great social event for my colleagues and friends.

Sorry - I banged on about it there, I just feel that it's a bit odd and I'm just a bit sad about it.

[ilovechips]

You are not being unreasonable to feel disappointed that you can't go to the wedding, it's never nice to feel left out. Obviously it's her wedding so her decision...but if its just an evening thing with no meal and wouldn't cost her any money to have DS there then if she was a good friend she may have considered making an exception if she really wanted you there. But then that might have opened the floodgates for other people, and maybe she doesn't want the evening turning into a work crèche!

So neither of you are unreasonable! (Pulls splinters out of arse)

[ExcuseTypos]

She didn't put anyone's name on the invites and accepted your acceptance with both you and DH's names on it? She sounds very disorganised!

I hope she's not messed up with other people too, she could, end up with loads more people than she thought.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

Guess moral of this story is if no names on invite check who is invited

I am surprised that ds has never been looked after by a babysitter - but guess if have friends and family about then no need

If you really wanted to go then try and organise a bs either through sitters - nanny agency or look on netmums

Or can ds have a sleepover with a friend of yours for the night and say you will return the favour

[PresidentServalan]

So she wants partners and children of family there but not of work colleagues? Sounds normal to me. You have a choice whether to go or not but if you decide not to, it would be better if you just made an excuse rather than blaming her for not being able to come.

[MistressDeeCee]

I wouldnt go to a wedding if I was specifically told my OH wasnt invited. Thats not to say I cant go out without him but I dont want to be told he cant come - well in terms of family occasions, weddings etc, that is. In fact I wouldnt have an event myself and tell couples that their OHs werent invited - of course its up to them if they want to bring OH or not. Inviting half a couple? I cant be bothered with the way some people are so precious about their wedding reception. I get that you cant invite everybody - but dont invite people if their family cant come. I think its rude. Cant comment much about 'no kids' wedding receptions, Ive never been to one & cant quite work out the concept/reason.

Personally I wouldnt be bothered about going..a DVD & a Chinese no babysitting or faffing around required..sounds nice .

[MistressDeeCee]

Besides for people whose OH's arent invited - are they supposed to turn up alone? Or, is the assumption that you'll want to socialise with your work colleagues for the event? I mean..suppose you dont want to?

[InWithTheITCrowd]

I have looked at sitters locally, but they're all a bit expensive really, and I just don't know how DS would react to having a stranger look after him - is it unusual to have never had a sitter? It's just never come up before, we've always been fortunate enough to have family on hand.
I don't really have any friends nearby who I could call on for a sleepover favour.
President: other than a sitter, I don't really have a choice about going, but I'm not blaming her. I'm just a bit sad I'm missing out on joining her. I don't need to make an excuse, though? The truth is that I don't have childcare. As someone said upthread, that's parenting :)

[PresidentServalan]

My mum had a no kids wedding in the late 60s - her father was paying, he wasn't well off and there were so many kids in the family it would have cost a fortune. So that's one of the reasons people have them.

[InWithTheITCrowd]

Mistress - I think the idea is that the work colleagues all go together. The "no partners" thing looks to be fairly common, judging by responses on this thread - although, I've never personally known it, as other "work" weddings I've been to have all been partners/kids.
TBH the more I think about it, the less inclined to go I am. My friends will (mostly) be staying over, so having a late night and getting drunk, I would have to pay for a babysitter (and hope that DS would be ok) drive 30-odd miles each way and not be able to drink.
I do really like her so I will give her a nice gift, but I think just chalk this one up

[InWithTheITCrowd]

President: I totally get the "no kids" thing, if that's the bride and groom's choice. But this isn't a "no kids" wedding.

[Turniphead1]

I would never think that a 4 year old might be included in an evening invite. Even if its 6pm. What madness.

But clearly the bride should have made it very clear to whom the invitation was addressed.

[BackforGood]

I agree with everyone else - YABU really. Of course it's not appropriate to be taking a 4 yr old out at night to a friend's wedding Reception / party, that they are not invited to, and IMO it was rude of you to ask.
If you choose not to get a babysitter then it is you who is choosing not to go - you could get a local teen to sit for less than the price of a DVD and a Chinese takeaway that you have mentioned, so it's not really a money thing. If you've never left him with anyone, then again, that's something you've chosen - or in this case chosen not to do. Fine, if that's what you are your dh are happy with, but part of that decision is that you will sometimes miss events that would would otherwise have liked to go to.
It's understandable to feel a bit disappointed as you were looking forward to a night out, but it's not the bride's fault you've made the choices you have, that's your decision.

[InWithTheITCrowd]

I didn't think he was included - I asked if children were welcome, once my childcare arrangements fell trough.
That's when I found out DH wasn't included on the invitation, which didn't matter anyway as he can't come :)
Children ARE welcome, but not children of colleagues because of numbers.

It's fine. Her choice. It would have been nice to go, though :)

[PresidentServalan]

Sorry my last comment was in answer to MistressDeecee's comment about not really understanding why people have no-kid weddings.

[InWithTheITCrowd]

Backforgood - I'm not blaming the bride. I keep saying it's her choice. She's lovely.
There are no local teens where I live - I would have to find an agency, and I can't afford to do that, AND pay the cost of a night out just for me.
I have plenty of DVDs and a Chinese is about £5 from supermarket.
Not ever having had a babysitter is just something that's never happened before - it can't be that unusual?

I'm not blaming her. It's all just circumstances - no one's fault

[Turniphead1]

Why would it be nice to be at an evening do with a 4 year old? I've had 3 of them, and I'm not really seeing it.

By the same token - if there will be other children there I don't really see what " numbers" has to do with it. She's having a bizarrely early wedding if the "afters" begin at 6. So everyone's had their meal. An extra (overtired screechy) 4 year old wont affect her "numbers". He will affect your night. Get a sitter fgs.

[Mellowandfruitful]

I would be inclined to try getting a babysitter. If your DS is not unusually anxious he might actually cope with it better than you'd think. Plus couldn't your DH take over from the babysitter when he returned from work, leaving you able to stay over as your friends are doing? On the money front you might be able to share a room with one of them.

It does seem to me that, while the bride hasn't communicated very clearly, the problem here is not with her rules about who can attend (it was evidently never intended to be an evening reception that children could attend, which isn't unusual) it's come from the fact that your DH is no longer able to do the childcare that night. So I don't think it's fair to think of it as her fault - it's one of the unfortunate side effects of him getting a new job.

[Mellowandfruitful]

Cross post - I can see you have just stated you don't think it's her fault. Though my point still stands that this has arisen not out of her rule but out of your husband's job change. So it's not 'her choice' that's brought this about - as you have said a few times - it's 'his choice' or 'his obligation' if you prefer.

Have also just seen your DH works nights so presumably he won't be able to take over. Never mind.

[Scarifying]

Sorry but it's another Y were BU. At least it is sorted out now. I think it would be to think to bring a four year old to an evening do. I think it's totally normal to have close family/friends kids at a wedding but not less close friends kids. I would be disappointed not to be able to go but it's not odd or mean of your friend/colleague to say no to you bringing your DC.

Does your colleague even know your DC?

[InWithTheITCrowd]

Turniphead and Mellow:
Re: the babysitter thing - I can't justify the expense. Honestly - I've looked at how much local agencies are charging and I can't afford it.

I do keep saying that I'm not blaming her. It's her wedding and her choice. I would just like to go.

My DH is working night shift, so doesn't finish until 5am, so that wouldn't work.

My DS probably wouldn't be screechy and overtired and as there will be plenty of other kids there, then it's not really an issue. Yes, I would be the one "affected" - but I enjoy taking him out. Whilst a wedding isn't my first choice of socialising with him, it would be the only way I could go. But I can't. And that's fine.
A few people I've spoken to do think that her decision is odd -but there are plenty of people on here who think that she has common sense.

There are no right or wrong answers. It just would be nice to go?

[InWithTheITCrowd]

Scarifying - there will be lots of kids there, and some belong to her friends who are also going only to the evening do.
My colleague knows my DS well - we've been out several times with her and her nieces, who are just a little bit younger than he is, and who will also be there on the night.

Mellow - I see what you mean about me saying "her choice" - I didn't mean to imply it was her fault. The problem is with our set up.

[Scarifying]

I imagine that the kids just invited to the evening do are in the 'friends' category rather than the 'colleague' category and that they were invited as whole families. I suppose she has to draw the line somewhere.

[Turniphead1]

Fair enough OP. Sad not to be able to go.

[LtEveDallas]

It's OK to be sad OP, I would be too. It's just one of those irritating bits of parenthood that you don't realise are an issue - until they are an issue.

I don't think it is unusual for your DS not to have had a babysitter - DD is 8 and has never been babysat by anyone other than family, which means we have actually missed out on a couple of 'no kids' family weddings, because of course our only babysitters we at the same wedding!

Smile, wish her well, and move on. It's only a party after all

[Justforlaughs]

Firstly, OP, my own DCs have never been left with a "babysitter" who isn't a friend/ family - ever, so you are not alone in that

Secondly, I assume that DS attends nursery/ school, are there no parents that you could ask? I wouldn't hesitate to help out another mum in your situation

Thirdly, she should have made the invitation very clear as to WHO was actually invited to the wedding, and if you replied with you AND your DHs names then she should have clarified at that point.

Lastly, YANBU to feel sad that you are going to miss out on the wedding of a friend.