Another weddingy/children-y/invitey one

[InWithTheITCrowd]

I know there's nothing I can do about this, but I just wanted to know if I am being unreasonable in feeling a bit sad about this.

A good friend and colleague of mine is getting married in two weeks. I've had the invitation for the evening part for ages. The invitation doesn't actually say who is invited, just a generic "You are invited to the wedding of...."
I can't remember what was on the envelope.

Originally, my parents were going to have DS (aged 4) so DH and I could go, but then they got the opportunity for a last minute holiday, so I said I would ask the bride if we could take DS, and if it was a "no children" wedding, DH would stay home with DS and I'd go with my other colleagues from work. No probs.
Before I managed to contact her, about two weeks ago, DH landed a new job and is now working nights, so can no longer have DS that evening if he needs to.

I phoned the bride to ask if it was OK to bring DS, and she replied with "I just can't have children or partners of work colleagues because of numbers". I said that was OK but that I have absolutely no one to have DS so wouldn't be able to come. Then I said "Oh, I didn't realise it was no partners either" and she replied "Oh, that's just for people from work. My other friends are bringing their partners and children, of course, but it's just a numbers thing"
So basically, the wedding will be full of kids (my friend has several nieces and nephews of a similar age to DS) and her other friends and family are all bringing husbands/wives/partners etc, but work colleagues can't bring partners or kids, and that is now the reason I can't go.

So, when I saw her at work, I said "I'm so sad that I can't come to your wedding" and she said "Well, family comes first"

It's not a case of "family comes first" though - I would really prefer to go to her wedding, but I don't want to push or hassle about it, because she obviously has this rule. I've spoken to my colleagues about it, and none of them actually want to take their kids - in fact, most of them are booking into hotel rooms so they can make a night of it

I know, I know - it's her wedding and it's her rules. And she is genuinely such a lovely person, but I feel as though she has just made up this rule arbitrarily to solve a problem, and can't quite see that her "rule" is the one thing that is stopping me from going. We've been colleagues and friends for 8 years, and we are ordinarily quite close.

I just feel sad that I'm missing out on a) her wedding and b) what looks like being a great social event for my colleagues and friends.

Sorry - I banged on about it there, I just feel that it's a bit odd and I'm just a bit sad about it.

[Pigsmummy]

I think inviting work people on their own is perfectly acceptable practice. If you want to go then ask around about babysitter, one of your friends might offer or give you their baby sitter's number?

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Yanbu to feel disappointed.

She is nbu to have this rule or to not change it.

It wouldn't even occur to me to invite colleagues children to my wedding. It's only vaguely crossed my mind some might want to bring their partners.

[expatinscotland]

Just don't see it as something for kids, she said no, anyhow. I wouldn't be happy with kids at my evening do, tbh.

[InWithTheITCrowd]

Really? He's been to two wedding receptions this year and a 40th party last weekend. He had a whale of a time at all of them

[expatinscotland]

You would seriously take a 4-year-old to an evening do and expect to have a good time? Poor kid! Mine would need matchsticks to prop open their eyes.

Hire a sitter or don't go.

[InWithTheITCrowd]

Loads of messages - been at work, sorry.
To address a few points:
I know it is my situation that means I can't go- not hers
I am not expecting her to break the rules for me
I'm not "woe is me" at all. I would like to go and don't think I can

I did say all of this. I just haven't any experience of a no partners/no kids invitation for a select group of people, and on discussing it here, it seems it's normal for some and not for others.

There is no one who can have DS. He started school last month and I don't know any of the other parents. As far as I know, staff don't offer a babysitting service and I can't really afford it anyway.

Those of you who think I'm rude for asking - I'm genuinely surprised! How else do you find anything out? She hasn't been put in an awkward position at all.

We are colleagues, yes - but also friends. We socialise often. She knows DS and DH well.

There are plenty of kids who are "only going to the evening reception" and not the day one. Is it really so unusual?

I'm working in the day (she's getting married on a Friday) so I won't be able to see her get married

Thank you for all of your opinions and suggestions. Our friendship seems relatively unharmed, for those of you who think I've acted out of place. She also apologised to me today for not making it clear on the invitation re: no partners and DC - I'm not the only one who didn't realise

[MistressDeeCee]

InWithTheITCrowd yes, I thought it would be a case of 'all work colleagues go together'. Thats why I was thinking well..suppose you dont really want to go with them? Wouldnt blame you for giving it a miss..seems a lot of hassle also with the travel and babysitting issues. A friend of mine a few years ago had a 'no kids' wedding. Now that she's a mum herself with DCs aged 3 & 5, she kicks off when 'no kids' weddings come around. Far be it from me to remind her...

[Floggingmolly]

X posted again!

[Floggingmolly]

Are you disappointed that you can't see your friend get married, or "see her on her wedding day"?
Because you can always go to the church / venue to watch the ceremony itself, rather than going along to the piss up with a 4 year old in tow.
How much time would you get to spend with her, realistically? She'll be too busy with the legions of family and friends to do more than quickly say hello, I'll bet; and all the other colleagues will be drinking / dancing, having a ball while you sit on the sidelines entertaining your ds.
Basically, if you wouldn't take him with you for a night down the local pub, you're best off not taking him to the evening do of a wedding either.

[kali110]

Dont think it means the bride doesn't care about op not being there!!
Weddings are expensive, if the bride bent the rules then others would want the same and then it would cost even more.

[MomOfTwoGirls2]

Agree with poster above who asked if possible to see her at the church.
Also agree with poster who asks if your DS is in nursery or preschool, because the people who mind him there might be very happy to earn extra money babysitting.

YANBU to be disappointed that you can't go. And it is not unreasonable that your 4 year old never had a babysitter outside family. I have no family closeby, but I didn't get a babysitter for my DDs until the youngest was about 4.

[IHaveA]

It's not necessarily a case of the bride to be being overly rigid, the OP may have been the last in a long list of people who were asking to bring an extra person.

[LouiseAderyn]

I think that if she regarded you as a friend then she would let you bring your ds, as she is doing for her actual friends. The fact that she isn't is a clear statement that you are firmly in the colleague category. So stop stressing about attending the wedding of someone who isn't bothered about you being there anyway.

Fwiw I have never left my dc with a babysitter and my oldest is 17! I wouldn't do so just to attend this kind of event if he has never been looked after by one before.

[CrapBag]

"She said it was a "numbers thing" - that she thought it was easier not to invite partners of work friends to keep numbers down"

Yes it is perfectly ok for her to do this. If she invited the partners and children of all her work collegues, then the numbers rise significantly.

If she makes an exception for you, she has to do it for others. If she did do it for you and someone else had asked her and she said no, they would be pretty miffed.

You are putting her in an awkward position. She has a clear rule and she has to stick to it. Sounds like she has a lot of family that are going to be there anyway. Work collegues are different to her close friends and family.

YABU.

[IHaveA]

The OP said that she didn't remember what was written on the envelope that contained the invite and that she threw it away. It will have only had the OPs name on it. To me that would have indicated that the invite did not include partners.
It wasn't really the bride to be's fault that the OP didn't read it.
It's not a criticism of the OP as it's an easy mistake to make but I don't think its fair to criticise the Bride to be about her invites.

[pinkdelight]

YANBU to feel sad, but I don't even think it's down to the bride's rules.

The reasons you can't go are:

a. Because your parents changed their plans and can no longer babysit

b. Because your husband now works nights so can't look after DC.

c. Because you can't/won't use another babysitter.

and only then

d. Because you can't take DC to the wedding.

So focusing on the rules is a mistake, it seems to me. Yes, they're why you can't take DC to the wedding, but they're not the reason why you can't go, hence not the reason why you're feeling sad.

So YABU to feel it's actually the invite-y aspect that is the real issue.

[wishingchair]

Is she getting married in a church? If so you could always pop along to see her get married. If not, then this obv wouldn't work. Just thinking about your comment about wanting to see her on her wedding day ...

As for your original msg, then I agree with everyone else. Se was foolish to not specify on the invitation who was invited, but not unreasonable to not change the rules to accommodate your DS.

You'll just have to give this one a miss.

[DSM]

It's like no one is reading the thread...!

OP - it's a bit shitty of her, she could have made an exception. Personally, I'd be a bit pissed off too, and wouldn't tell a friend they couldn't come rather than have one extra 4yo there.

I think YABU to be a bit upset about missing out.

I think half the posters on this thread ABU because they are repeating a load of shit about you expecting something. And you've explained in more than enough detail why a babysitter isn't feasible.

AIBU is a bloody rude place sometimes!

[shewhowines]

If I was one of the other 10 colleagues going, and I'd arranged my evening to be childfree, and then someone rocked up with a child (or partner) from my group, i'd feel a bit miffed as the dynamics would change. Of course I'd understand in your case, but it would still change the evening for me.
So she might not just be coming from her own, perfectly valid, angle - numbers/cost. She's sticking to her rule to be fair to everyone else too.

YABU to expect her to change the rules. YANBU to be upset about it.

[DorisIsAPinkDragon]

^^ what special agent said.

You seem a bit woe is me... I can't go, if only she could bend the rules etc. (tbh I think she's fine to invite only work colleagues).

You do have an option to go pay and get a sitter, yes it's expensive and yes you've never done it before. But that would involve you doing something your not keen on rather than blaming your friend.

[SpecialAgentCuntSnake]

You keep insisting you don't blame the bride and groom? But at least to me it comes across like you expect special treatment and are actually a bit shitty with her. So yeah, I can't help but feel you are quite cross with the bride.

They WBU to send out out clumsy RSVPS, but YWBVVVU to push the issue. Rude in fact.

Typing this feels strange... I'm almost always never on the bride's side...

If you can't go without DS, well... Move on? I'm sure she'll show you pictures and discuss honeymoon until you want to cry. Not a big deal, don't let it affect your work environment or outside friendship.

[WaitMonkey]

YANBU, to be sad you can't go. My dc have never been minded by anyone other than family, I didn't think that was very unusual. The bride should have made clear on the invitations who was invited. Invitations without names on can be very embarrassing. She is not being U, not to allow your ds at the evening reception though.

[hippo123]

But why would you want to take a 4 year old to an evening wedding reception? Sounds like your work colleagues are planning on drinking, as no doubt other guests will be. Your ds is hardy going to enjoy it and will be very tired resulting in you having to go home early. Surely you wouldn't be able to relax either? what's the point? Either get a babysitter or don't go.

[DontmindifIdo]

I think it's genuinely odd that anyone considers an evening only invite something that's child-friendly - bit like if I invite a couple with DCs to meet up in a pub at around lunchtime, I'm assuming their DCs are coming too, if I arrange to meet them in the same pub at 8pm, I'm assuming it's adults only.

There's a big difference between DCs who've been there all day staying for the evening do (and at most weddings I've been too, those with pre-schoolers tend to let them watch the first dance, stay for one or two more dances then leave), and someone turning up with a 4 year old at an event that starts after most 4 year old's bedtimes, expecting to stay for a long time. You might be unusual to have a 4 year old who can stay up after 10pm without getting ratty and grumpy, or falling asleep somewhere (which you'd have to supervise on your own, so might as well go home at that point, it's not a family wedding so you can't really expect other guests to keep an eye on your DC while you dance), but most aren't able to do that.

there's also a difference between deciding to 'put up' with an overtired child who's part of your family/child of a close friend (where you know the DC well), and a child of a colleague who you've probably either never met before or only met briefly.