To want dh's family to acknowledge Dewali?

[nesticles]

I am Hindu and dh is english not religious. For 3 years I have willingly hosted ils for christmas dinner, cooking a turkey even though I am a strict vegetarian. I always make a huge effort with presents (that normally get returned even if it was on the list ils gave me) and making everything from scratch (helps that I love cooking) cos I know it is important to ils and dh.
I have a bit of history with ils (not aproving of me because I am indian). They kicked up a huge fuss around indian wedding etc.
I have been with dh almost 10 years and we have a 7 month old ds. My religion is quite important to me and we want to bring ds up knowing and selebrating both Christmas and dewali in the traditional way. The last 3/4 years ils have completely ignored Dewali and not tried to understand me or what I believe. DH and I weren't living together before that and I was studying abroad and at uni so didn't expect it. I guess I just thaught as I have become part of their family they might've wanted to acknowledge who I am. I don't want ds to see this dismissal of my beliefs and am wondering. Am I expecting too much? Am I just cross because of the history? Am I angry because even after dropping hints about dewali with dates they have still ignored it? Am I just simply expecting too much for something that is just not their festival? Am I really upset because I go to so much effort for something I don't believe in but respect and they can't give me the same respect? I wouldn't expect mil to cook a curry (she would never do! can't stand foreign food) just a "happy Dewali" phone call will do. I would even understand if she called me up in the summer and asked me when Dewali was (dates change every year) even though it's easy to just do a Google search. Please tell me am I just asking too much?Or am I really cross because my parents by tree, decorate house, give presents to dh and ils and generally make a huge fuss over Christmas even though we never did it growing up? They feel dh is part of the family and we need to respect everyone's veliefs and selebrate them. Dh understands but doesn't know how we can make a change. I can't understand why I can't just let this one go as I do with so much else when it comes to ils. Thank you for reading my nightime ramble.

[YouHaveAGoodPoint]

Jeez I wouldn't want them to visit ever let alone to come over when you are celebrating a lovely family holiday. I would keep quiet about it.

You should also stop catering for them at Christmas time. Do what you want but no more. I can't believe you cook them turkey

[Donkeyok]

I 've just come home from Brownies tonight, we were making Diwali shadow puppets and put on great little play. We are preparing the girls for their culture badge and have decided to do many activities ( we made bangles and rangoli patterns last week, learning to wear saris and make sweets) leading up to the our Diwali party. We decided not to do Bonfire/Halloween this year and have the Diwali with fireworks instead.
Every one is so excited I think we will make it a permanent feature. It is such a lovely celebration why would anyone get po faced and not want to have a joyous celebration. Invite your ds friends and your family/friends to make your party numbers up. You have tried and don't need party poopers. Personally I wouldn't cook the turkey if your veggy. You have been overly generous but despite more uk people coming to Diwali celebrations your ILs are rejecting something important to you. Their loss. Yanbu to want them to share your passions and for them to respect your religion. But they don't - Why would they want to miss out on an Indian wedding? How fabulous darhlink . They live in a narrow minded small world. Have a fabulous time . I love the idea of the calendar with ds at Diwali photos in it and presents of sweets. (dont waste any more money or thought on the returned presents). They've used up their chances - get on and be happy. If you don't fuss over Christmas but do for Diwali they might swap over?

[steppemum]

my dh is dutch and every year we do Sinter Klaas on 5th December.

My mum and dad still don't quite 'get it' really, but if they are there (not always) they make a point of joining in and being very positive about it all to dcs. My brothers don't even notice it is there and would be very surprised to be expected to do something for it.
But actually we wouldn't expect them to.

my Dutch IL do Christmas, but they do it completely differently and it doesn't include presents. It would never occur to them to do presents, just because we do. They do christmas differently.

It is hard balance to walk, sometimes I get upset on behalf of my dcs, when they seem to be the ones missing out. But then I remember that I was the one who made the choice to be different.

I think your dh is being a bit head in the sand ish. he has it both ways at the moment. You do diwali and christmas for him. When is he going to be more involved in inviting his family over, explaining to them what it means and what would be nice to do etc. he is the bridge and it is up to him to be more pro-active in being that bridge.

[LessMissAbs]

YABU - it is entirely voluntary to celebrate any festival and unfair to impose a choice on your inlaws. You haven't married them, you married the man your DH is. So if you want to celebrate Dewali, do so, invite them and show them how important it is to you. Only if they show disrespect towards your choice would I object, but I wouldn't impose a choice of religious festival upon anyone.

For instance, I am part Dutch. I would not expect my inlaws to celebrate Zwaarte Pieter. That would be a ridiculous expectation on my part.

[Tash28]

Read the op and a little way down into the comments. Thought i would add my 2 cents in.

I am from a mixed parentage. We celebrated Christmas from my atheist English mums side and my dad foreign new year (equivalent to Christmas). We celebrated Christmas with those who also celebrated it and foreign new year with those who wanted to. My mums side never got involved with the foreign stuff. Do I consider them rude? No! This was a mixing of 2 cultures and I am the result of that mix, not my gps or aunts or uncles and my dad wouldn't expect them to anyway. It was important to him so his family (being us, the immediates) celebrated but he didn't get offended when people who had no knowledge/understanding or (quite reasonably in my opinion) any desire to get involved didn't. Just because you believe in something does not mean that they have to celebrate it with you.

Re Christmas, you have a dh who celebrates christmas therefore I would expect that you would to just as he should with Diwali.

In relation to the issue of Diwali, yabu.

If you were in India with dh then I would expect that Diwali would be the bigger deal over Xmas.

If you don't want to do christmas dinner then don't.

It is yours and dh responsibility to ensure that dc celebrates both and not the gps.

With regard to the history and previous issues I would be fuming. That, in my opinion, is where the line was crossed. If they don't accept or are rude to you then don't entertain them. It's as simple as that for me.

[thebody]

what a Shame op, we arnt religious really but I would hope that if any of my 4 marry a religious person then we would respect them and support them.

mind you we love a celebration in our house. the more the merrier. from the little I know if divali it sounds lovely.

the returning of presents is rude and hurtful.

[raisah]

I think you should stop hosting Christmas and going ott in accommodating your in laws. I think you are looking at it from an Indian cultural angle (I am asian) where inlaws mix more than they do here. My pils (now deceased) were on good terms with my dps & socialised without my dh & I.

Celebrate xmas for your dp & dc but not for your inlaws, they barely tolerate you so its not fair on you to be in the company of people like that. It is a form of indirect very subtle racism and they are using you because you are being the accommodating dil. They wouldnt have got away with treating you like this if you were white British.

Why not celebrate Christmas by yourself this year without pils & establish your own traditions? Pop in to see dh family to exchange gifts but dont go out of your way to be so accommodating.

Could you host a diwali party for friends & family and invite them along? If they turn up then good but if they dont then you have your own network and you dont need them.

Remember that you don't need them but they need you more than they realise.

[Mimishimi]

I think you are possibly expecting too much. I'd say it's more a generational thing than an active dismissal of you and your background. My DH is Hindu and my parents have never shown much, if any, interest in Diwali. They would never send a card for it. My parents are quite religious and it would probably make them uncomfortable as they would associate it with supporting idol worship. If your in-laws are not religious, perhaps they don't show much interest in Xmas either (especially if they are letting their non-Christian DIL do all the work!)? My brothers have shown quite a bit more interest in the cultural side of Diwali, making it a point to turn up for the sweets and the celebrations in our suburb each year. That being said, my side of the family would not be expecting my DH to go to great lengths with their religious celebrations/presents either. Why don't you encourage your in-laws to host?

I do find the attitude in India is quite different too - everybody celebrates everybody else's festivals all the time. I think that's lovely and I really enjoy being invited over for Eid, Christmas or Nowruz parties from neighbouring houses. However that is not really the prevailing cultural attitude in Western countries - probably something to do with the exclusive attitudes of the religions (or the clergy) and their historical development in the West. Everyone tends to keep it all a bit to themselves and those who are religious tend not to be as relaxed about theological diversity. I think as long as your DH is not dismissive of your traditions (I love lighting the diyas and think it can easily be related to many religious teachings from Abrahamic derived religions regarding light within us), you should try not to let it bother you.

[wannaBe]

Yabu. Religion is very personal, and to expect someone to embrace your religion which they A, may know nothing about, and B, may not agree with is unreasonable.

When you enter into a relationship with someone who is of a different faith than you then you do IMO owe it to them to embrace their religion and acknowledge the celebrations which come with that, e.g. you acknowledging your dh’s need to celebrate Christmas and his acknowledgement of your faith and need to celebrate dewali. A mixed cultural relationship can only work if each is accepting and embracing of the other’s beliefs, even if they do not share them there is at least a need to acknowledge them.

However the extended family do not choose to enter into a relationship with someone who is of such a different faith to them, and while I agree that they should be respectful of the fact that your beliefs are different to theirs, I do not agree that they should enter into your religious celebrations. Those celebrations/holidays are personal to that religion, and if they do not believe in or accept that religion then that should be their choice.

While your hosting Christmas for your ILs may seem wrong to you by contrast, what you need to remember is that you are hosting Christmas for your dh, and that his family come as part of that. It’s no different to you expecting your dh to be a part of dewali for your family, or indeed to have been a part of your traditional Indian wedding, because he is your dh and has made a conscious choice to marry you, iyswim.

And whoever said that rejecting someone’s religion makes them a racist is being ridiculous. Plenty of people don’t agree with religion, even the religion they have grown up in. Chooseing to follow a particular religion is and should always be a choice not an expectation.

[frogspoon]

YABU to expect them to acknowledge your religious festival when from what you have said they don't particularly like you or approve of you anyway. I wouldn't expect too much of them, they don't sound very nice.

If you normally got on well and had a good relationship, I would have expected them to wish you a happy Diwali or something, but seeing as you don't have a close relationship, I think you are expecting too much of them.

[weaselish]

I think you are possibly expecting a little too much here. I am English and my husband is Hindu.

We celebrate Christmas with my family, and Diwali with his family - both are great, and my DD gets the best of both worlds. I don't expect my mother to embrace Diwali - why should she, it's not her religion? Equally I am not in the least bothered that my PILs don't send Christmas cards, do presents or put a tree up.

It is mine and my husband's responsibility to ensure that DD learns about both aspects of her culture, not my mother's or PILs, although they are of course instrumental in sharing each individual aspect with her. My mother is of course welcome at Diwali, just as my PILs are welcome at Christmas time - but there is no expectation or obligation and certainly no bad feelings.

Similar to your PILs, my mother (73) would not really want to eat indian food - and my PILs equally wouldn't really know what to do with a roast turkey dinner. This doesn't make them disrespectful to other cultures.

I think you possibly need to lower your expectations a bit, and also not try so hard to bend over backwards for them as well. Why can't they host you for Christmas, instead of you having to do it all, and as a vegetarian, having to cook a turkey?

[Bonsoir]

I think that when there are two religions in a couple it is probably best for each one to celebrate their own culture. You are probably over involved in celebrating Christmas.

[workhouse]

I don't think that this has anything to do with religion at all it is simply manners. If I had an Indian DIL, especially one who was lovely enough to embrace Christmas and cook and give me a lovely time, I would have the MANNERS to at least wish her a Happy Diwali.
Fume

[Bowlersarm]

YABU

I think weaselish has said what I think.

There is no reason why the two sides of your family can't celebrate their separate religions with you/DH/DS.

It's great to include your in laws in your Christmas arrangements, and generous of you, but Christmas is the celebration they will have grown up with and is ingrained in them. It is normality to them.

If my DSes married someone from a different culture I would do my utmost to learn all about it and become involved, but I would imagine the majority of older people are too set in their ways to do that, especially as in your case, unfortunately they didn't exactly welcome you into the family on the first place.

[Doubtfuldaphne]

Just throw a dewali party and invite your friends. Your son will love it and hopefully the IL's will make the effort or at least your dh will.
My dh is from a Hindu family and I love getting involved in Hindu celebrations.
invite them and hope they come. If they don't it's their loss. The ILs aren't the be all and end all of a marriage anyway :)

[nesticles]

Dear all, thank you for taking the time to respond. Never hav I said in my posts that I want the ILS to selebrate Diwali, just an acknowledgement of it...as in my first post starting the thread. So no I'm not asking them to selebrate in something they don't believe in. I simply would like them to remember really? is that too much to ask? a little bit of respect? How would you respond if my mil posted that my Hindu dil just ignores christmas?

[frogwatcher42]

Nesticles - I think it would be fine if your mil posted that her hindu dil just ignored christmas. She would get told to recognize that her dil was hindu and therefore christmas wouldn't mean anything to her.

YABU imo as you are expecting too much. Most people celebrating chrismas are doing so for a party reason, break from work, presents etc. Not for religious reasons - rightly or wrongly! Your inlaws should never have to acknowledge or remember celebration days of a religion that they do not believe in.

Why on the earth do you do so much for Christmas if you don't want to? I can understand that for your dc you feel you have to as it is probably the main celebration in the UK. But you do not have to make it religious. Dewali, as I understand it, is still regarded very much as a religious festival and therefore your pil would be acknowledging something they don't believe in and shouldn't have to remember the date for.

[harticus]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all - I think they could make an effort to be polite at the very least.
But inlaws are strange beasts.
My ex was Jewish and my side of the family willingly mucked in with all manner of Jewish celebrations eventhough they are committed atheists. It is about respect and curiosity too - why don't people want to open themselves up to new experiences?

Anyway celebrate Dewali amongst your little family and forget about the ILs. The only person who really matters in all of this is your son. Don't let Dewali become a bone of contention in the family - it is a lovely festival.

[SeaSickSal]

Considering that Dewali is quite a fun festival have you considered actually inviting them to celebrate it with you?

Explaining to them what it is and asking them to come enjoy the fun?

They can't ignore it if you specifically invite them and if they don't come and join in then you are definitely in the right and have the right to kick off about it.

[pigletmania]

I agree beast, I don't think they care, they are still not accepting of you, by the way they act towards you, and return the presents. Stop trying to please them, don't host Christmas, and don't buy resents (that is unacceptable returning any present). Do your own celebrations at home f Christmas ad Dwali, and teach him about your culture and language.

[Mimishimi]

It depends. I couldn't see my parents complaining (DH doesn't do anything for Christmas apart from show up with me and the kids) and, rightly, they would see that making other people follow/acknowledge/admire our respective religious traditions is not a core part of our beliefs. What sort of acknowledgement are you expecting?

[nesticles]

Hi all,
Sorry for taking ages rl is getting to demanding. I don't expect them to selebrate, I don't expect presents or any partaking of the festivities just a phone call wishing me happy Diwali. Am I really asking too much? I feel sad for my ds that he might grow up his gps derespecting his mother's beliefs. But perhaps I am unreasonable! Hmmmm!