To want dh's family to acknowledge Dewali?

[nesticles]

I am Hindu and dh is english not religious. For 3 years I have willingly hosted ils for christmas dinner, cooking a turkey even though I am a strict vegetarian. I always make a huge effort with presents (that normally get returned even if it was on the list ils gave me) and making everything from scratch (helps that I love cooking) cos I know it is important to ils and dh.
I have a bit of history with ils (not aproving of me because I am indian). They kicked up a huge fuss around indian wedding etc.
I have been with dh almost 10 years and we have a 7 month old ds. My religion is quite important to me and we want to bring ds up knowing and selebrating both Christmas and dewali in the traditional way. The last 3/4 years ils have completely ignored Dewali and not tried to understand me or what I believe. DH and I weren't living together before that and I was studying abroad and at uni so didn't expect it. I guess I just thaught as I have become part of their family they might've wanted to acknowledge who I am. I don't want ds to see this dismissal of my beliefs and am wondering. Am I expecting too much? Am I just cross because of the history? Am I angry because even after dropping hints about dewali with dates they have still ignored it? Am I just simply expecting too much for something that is just not their festival? Am I really upset because I go to so much effort for something I don't believe in but respect and they can't give me the same respect? I wouldn't expect mil to cook a curry (she would never do! can't stand foreign food) just a "happy Dewali" phone call will do. I would even understand if she called me up in the summer and asked me when Dewali was (dates change every year) even though it's easy to just do a Google search. Please tell me am I just asking too much?Or am I really cross because my parents by tree, decorate house, give presents to dh and ils and generally make a huge fuss over Christmas even though we never did it growing up? They feel dh is part of the family and we need to respect everyone's veliefs and selebrate them. Dh understands but doesn't know how we can make a change. I can't understand why I can't just let this one go as I do with so much else when it comes to ils. Thank you for reading my nightime ramble.

[PrincessFlirtyPants]

My SIL is Hindu, I don't make a particular effort with Diwali mainly because she doesn't either. If she did, like you do, I would.

In your circumstances I don't think you are being unreasonable, at all. I do, however, think you are pinning a lot of resentment on one festival. There is a multitude, of events that have taken place (returning of gifts, cooking of turkey, not approving of you because of your heritage) and I think that Diwali maybe the "straw that broke the camels back"

Invite them to your Diwali celebrations, if they decline, are rude etc your DH needs to raise it with them.

[noblegiraffe]

Your DH isn't religious but celebrates Christmas - it is a cultural not a religious festival for him, and for many in the UK. Dewali is, for you, a religious thing, as you mention in your OP that your religion is very important to you.

I would feel very odd about joining in the celebration of a religious festival of a different religion. Like if my DH were Muslim and my mum and dad decided to start observing Ramadan to join in, it would be weird and probably inappropriate. So to expect them to just start celebrating Dewali with no input from you, or demonstration of how you would do it is too much to expect. If you want them to join in, you need to invite them, make them part of the celebrations and show them what is ok for them to do.

Then if they turn down invites and continue to snub you, you'll know it's because they're not very nice (which is possible, from reading your OP) and not simply because they don't know what you want them to do.

[Quangle]

It might be a bit easier for you as you are here and one can hardly miss Christmas but Dewali would pass me by despite having Indian inlaws (they don't celebrate it). And as someone else said, I'd be a bit anxious about ringing someone up to say "happy Dewali" in case it was the same as saying "Happy Yom Kippur" or "Happy Good Friday"!

I think if you want this, you need to help them find a way to acknowledge your celebration - perhaps around the DCs? I'm not really sure from your post what would be a good outcome for you and what it is you want to include them in. A meal? An exchange of gifts?

I think don't make this about beliefs - that's always very personal. Make it about a shared family event - if that's what you want (although they don't sound very nice so perhaps you would do better to build your family traditions with your DH and DS).

[Teapigging]

Gosh, I didn't grow up in a country where Diwali was celebrated visibly at all, but since I've lived in the UK and have Hindu and Jain friends, I've read up on its meaning, always go to celebrate with them, eat wonderful food, give presents, set off fireworks etc etc.

I agree that this year, invite ILs to Diwali, not Christmas, and stop bending over backwards to try to minimise their perception of your 'otherness'. I'm vegetarian, and wouldn't dream of cooking turkey for meat eaters. Stop dropping hints and hoping they are going to change, show and tell them your traditions unapologetically, especially as regards your baby's enjoyment of them. And your husband needs to back you up. You've shot yourself in the foot by being too generous and accommodating.

Happy Diwali when it comes!

[Quangle]

noblegiraffe said it much better than me

[BranchingOut]

I think that you have been expecting them to do something and they would not know where to begin.

Our mass media culture does not give equal representation to all faiths and while images of Christmas are everywhere, for you to pick up what is 'usual' or 'expected' on 25th December, it is not possible to say the same for Diwali. This is even more true if you live in an area with no strong Indian community - less of an excuse if you live just off Southall Broadway! I am not saying that this is right - I am married to an Asian man myself - but I think that it is undeniably the case.

So you need to take the initative and invite them to celebrate Diwali with you, if you are ever to get them on board with this then I think you need to make the first move.

[Teapigging]

Noble, there's a bit of a difference between observing a 40-day fast and just showing up with some ladoo and a few fireworks to eat nice food and give the baby a new outfit, though!

[Beastofburden]

The returning presents thing is just weird, though, isn't it? I mean, who returns presents? I think we have to recognise that at best it's dismissive and disrespectful, and at worst it is a calculated insult.

Stand up for yourself, OP, and be the strong women in charge of ehr own family, not the meek dutiful daughter in law. Seriously, with DS yuo will never get a better opportunity to show your MIl who is boss.

All those correcting the spelling of Diwali- I am guessing the OP knows how to spell it in Hindi just fine . Let's not forget that it's been transcribed to a different alphabet so we non-Hindi speakers can read it- Diwali may be more common, but Dewali sounds the same so I guess it is just as good.

[DeWe]

I know a little about Dewali, but I didn't know it's the sort of thing you would wish "Happy Dewali"-do you get cards and presents too?

What I'd suggest is rather than making hints (if you "hinted" by telling me the date then I wouldn't get what you were hinting) make it a family occasion. Set up the day, send them an invite, and show them what it means to you. Wish them happy Dewali-they won't necessarily wish it back, but maybe they'll thank you for a lovely day, and it will bring them closer to understanding your feelings.

And the person who said they feel a bit like a gatecrasher, really expressed how I would feel. If I didn't really do a festival, it would seem strange to me to wish people "happy festival" because it would feel quite empty-words without meaning.

I don't think your ds will see it as a slight on you or your religion. Just one side doesn't do it. My ILs do things differently to my side, and the dc all accept that.

[QuintessentialShadows]

When we were in India, our neighbours brought us Sugar cane and sweets for Dewali. Can you maybe drop of some festive sweets for your inlaws?

[QuintessentialShadows]

"If I didn't really do a festival, it would seem strange to me to wish people "happy festival" "

I have no problem saying this to Jewish friends for example, they know I dont share their belief, but they know I am thinking of them for their celebration. They wish me a merry Christmas too.

[3birthdaybunnies]

When you say 'returning presents' do you mean that they give them back to you or that they take them back to the store for a refund and buy something else? To me they would have a different meaning. If a person returned a present to me then I would see it as a snub/ rejection. If I found out that they had returned it to a store for a refund and bought something else then I would assume that I had just got their size/colour/taste wrong. E.g. I had bought plain black slippers and they had in mind big fluffy pink ones. I wouldn't be offended in that situation - I would rather that they had a present which they enjoyed.

[AdventureTed]

It's your inlaws' choice whether they acknowledge diwali or not, but I would not let them cast a miserable shadow over it for you and your little one. It's about your Inner Light - shine by example, tactfully tell them how you feel and get your husband to meet you half way.

[redexpat]

I think they don't realise a. that it means so much to you and b. that they are being so rude. I think it is up to DH to spell it out for them. If he has to threaten them with no Christmas then so be it, then they will understand how you feel.

If DH goes in all guns blazing then they will get defensive. He hsould probably be a bit more exploratory in his questions. Why don't you come over for Diwali? Is there something we could do to make you more comfortable?

I have an idea (but not realy a proper understanding) of what you're going through. FIL was NOT pleased when SIL started dating a muslim. They broke up after a few months, but I'm sure with some firm words from MIL he would have come around and celebrated Eid.

[Pigsmummy]

I wouldn't expect people/family members that don't practice my religion to celebrate our festivals? Why would they if they don't practise that religion?

You chose to do Christmas, they don't have to choose to celebrate Dewali. This doesn't stop you celebrating however you want, tell them when and what are going to do this year to celebrate Dewali and invite them along. It's up to them if they want to attend.

yabu

[nesticles]

Thank you everyone for your lovely responses.
Lol I know how to spell Diwali. I have never expected them to know how to selevrate it but just an acknowledgement of it would've nice. They are early 60s and not at all religious. I made such an effort for the last 3 years as dh's nana (96) came to hours with ils. she claimed I cooked a Christmas meal better than her daughter lol...didn't go down very well with mil. They were fine with me till we got engaged. she even told me that she "didn't want me to turn dh Indian". She is very volatile and tears and tantrums happen in an often daily basis. They use very dated language such "coloured" and I overheard her tell a friend that dh had married "an indian". I know i go to too much effort with them, but dh is in the middle and I don't ever want him to feel pressure from me. He always sticks up for me even though he gets loads of emotional blackmail in return. When i said return I mean they return everything to the shop. for the last few years I started asking for a list with specific links to things they wanted but as soon as the shops opened back it all went. Now that I have ds I have decided to have a vegie christmas this year as we are not having meat in the house as I want ds to be vegie...not sure how thats going to go down. I think i would be more understanding if they were religious. to the poster with Muslim aunt maybe for next Eid just send an Eid card she might really appreciate it. I know I would. Lady yu are wellcome to come and selebrate with us. we are raising ds bilingual and that went down like a S**t sandwiche lol x

[Beastofburden]

Well on the presents thing OP next year you can give them some seriously shit very sweet homemade calendars that DS has made and printed with his ickle hand, or with photos, one for each month (YES including one of him celebrating Diwali). how can they complain? (evil chuckle).

They probably are a bit stupid and ignorant, and have stayed racist long after most of their generation got it together. Never mind, you sail your own boat and the moaning will die down now they have a lovely DGS. Trust me, my own MIL was a total witch until I sprogged. I was the right race, but a big disappointment to her, as I expected him to spend time with me and even my own family sometimes, and not every second weekend at their place...

[LadyClariceCannockMonty]

Your DH's nana sounds brilliant, OP!

Good on you for having a veggie Christmas. It's your family, you do what you want.

I take your point about your DH being in the middle, but perhaps you could step back from making all the effort and, if he wants to continue doing it, he can take on more of the work?

I would LOVE to be invited to celebrate Diwali and would feel hugely honoured. It's your PILs' loss.

MNHQ, can we have a fireworks emoticon for Diwali?

[pianodoodle]

Aw they just sound vile, going on your follow up posts.

I doubt if they were religious it would make any difference unfortunately some people are just horrible! their age or being set in their ways is no excuse either. Vile is vile.

As long as your husband supports you that's the main thing. Carry on as you would without a thought for them I say. I wouldn't value their opinions at all.

You've really gone out of your way and been far more patient than I ever could be! They should feel happy their DIL makes such an effort instead of being miserable and throwing it back in your face.

[Viviennemary]

It is nice when other people join in the celebrations but I don't think forcing it is a good idea. I consider myself a Christian but wouldn't bother with Christmas if it was left up to me. It is far too commercialised and has lost its meaning. I agree that some people are just not interested.

[enormouse]

I too would love to celebrate diwali with you OP. I'm Indian (Sikh though) and DP is Irish. I'm planning on hosting a little get together for it. So if youre in northern Ireland please drop by.

[fackinell]

YANBU, how rude!! You make an effort to celebrate what is important to them, they should make an effort to understand Dewali and acknowledge it. They don't like curry? What, ANY type of curry? There isn't just one type! They sound pathetic, OP. I'd plan a celebration, tell them how important it is to welcome them to be part of your beliefs as you do for them and if they don't make an effort then I'd not bother having them over for Christmas.

[kali110]

Yanbu but i dont think i would bother being upset over them if theyre not going to change.
I think its lovely that you make an celebration for both op you sound lovely and your pil should count themselves lucky.

[defineme]

I'm not sure why you have to host Christmas?
Just have a lovely family celebration with the 3 of you and see relatives on boxing day-loads of people do that, or go to their house and let them cook turkey.
If they return gifts then just get them vouchers....you're really being a bit silly going to so much effort...and I don't understand why you'd be present choosing when your dh could do it?
I think your inlaws are horrible bigoted people, but I think you need to stop pandering to them and your dh...his priority is you and your ds.