to insist we spend every Christmas and new year with my family?

[froken]

I moved to Sweden to live with my dp 3 years ago.we now have a baby ds. We have spent every Christmas in the UK ( apart from last year as ds was less than a week old)

We are thinking about booking flights back to the UK in the next couple of days ( hence early Christmas aibu) dp suggested we go to the UK this year and stay in Sweden next year.

I have always Saud that I want to go to the UK every Christmas as we are in Sweden for all the other celebrations ( birthdays, Easter, midsummer etc) dp has now decided it isn't fair and we shouldalternate.

I feel like culturally ds will grow up feeling Swedish with a dash of britishness so it is important that he is in the UK for a big celebration each year. It also fits in well with time off work, dp only needs to take a couple of days of holiday but ends up with 2 weeks of holiday so it makes it a worthwhile trip.

Lastly they eat pickled fish and potatoes with fish and smoked fish and vodka and it just doesn't feel like Christmas.

Aibu to expect us to spend every Christmas with my family? I have offered dp the option of moving to the UK and spending every Christmas in Sweden, he wasn't keen on that idea.

[RoadToTuapeka]

Yabu

You may well be in Sweden for 'all the other celebrations' but as you say Christmas is special and therefore fairer to alternate. Why should your partner and children miss out on such a special time with Swedish family every year? You might even enjoy it!

[RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie]

Yabvu

[Viewofthehills]

I am half Norwegian.We have always had Norwegian Christmas Eve/ English Christmas Day, whether we have been in Norway or England. We have always loved it that way, especially the different foods. So much so that we still do it that way now, even though my kids are only 25% Norwegian. Dh is happy too, because since the children have some presents on Christmas Eve, we have never had the 4am wake up calls that most of our friends have had.
I think that you need to find your own solution to Christmas, but I actually think it is very unfair to deprive your in- laws of their grandchild every year and your Dh of his Christmas traditions. The joy of a mixed nationality childhood is having the best of two traditions.

[Inertia]

I think the suggestion of spending every 3rd Christmas in Sweden is a reasonable one. However, it would also be reasonable to insist that, on those years, your dh takes an extended period of leave at another time that allows you to spend to. E with all your family, ideally at a time when you can share a British tradition with your son E.G. Bonfire Night.

Also, if Swedish Christmas is on the 24th, you could perhaps host a British style Christmas for Dr's family on the 25th.

[wellthatsdoneit]

I wonder.....do you feel a bit marginalised living in Sweden with a swedish partner? You have no family there (other than your dp/ds), not much history, no real context other than your dp. It's hard to maintain your own sense of identity if youre surrounded by 'det svenska sätt är det bästa sätt' day in day out.

[FastWindow]

Aha froken i wondered if there was a scandi connection when I saw your nn.
give Swedish Christmas a chance! It doesn't have to be fish and all that yucky herring. You've got the gingerbread, the gløgg, the fantastic Christmassy atmosphere which I think is far more traditional scandi style than the tinsel soaked UK version.
We live in the UK and do both. 24th is all about the mutton ribs and akvavit, 25th is presents for breakfast and Queens speech. (i don't do turkey but I know IABU over that, just think it's overrated!!)
Create your own mix of the two. You're bringing up a dual culture family, so make it about both countries.
So yabu... But you are viewing it in a very black and white way.
God jul!!!

[FastWindow]

Pretty much xp viewofthehills

[Littleen]

yabu, should alternate to make it fair.

[Littleen]

and by the way - we celebrate christmas alternating between norway and england, but since in scandinavia christmas is 24th and uk it's 25th, so we actually do norwegian christmas on the 24th, and then english on 25th, but presents on the day which is correct for which country we are in. So not missing out on the gorgeous turkey!

[froken]

I really enjoy the Swedish Christmas build up, they celebrate lots throughout December because it is so bloody cold and dark you need to have cosy things to do we celebrate advent by going to a family member's house for the 1st Sunday in advent and drinking glögg ( mulled wine in tiny cups) and eating pepparkakor (gingerbread) mid December we celebrate Lucia where the girls dress up in nighties and tge boys dress up in klu-klux-clan outfits ( some places also allow the choice of Santa or gingerbread outfits. Every Sunday in advent we light a candle and eat a special breakfast. Our ds's birthday is a week before Christmas.

So we will be pretty busy with Swedish celebrations all of December anyway.

Dp's parents live at tge arctic circle so we plan to visit them each December and go and visit father Christmas.

I do feel slightly like my British ways are seen as lookeddown on by dp's family. I really do like living herebut I do feel sad when I describe British traditions and they look at me like I am crazy. I tried to explain the 11+ to them this evening)( my little sister sat the 11+ today) they likened it to child abuse :|

[ouryve]

Alternate Christmas and NY, but alternate other celebrations, too. My ex refused to spend Christmas with my family (apparently, they didn't do it properly) and it really put a rift between us. It's unfair to always keep your partner from his family at Christmas.

[MrsSparkles]

Hmmm I think YABU. We usually alternate Christmases (DH is from South Africa) - his Christmases don't feel right to me (hot, cold meat and salad), but I've learned to appreciate them for what they are and enjoy them anyway (but like you it's still not Christmas!).

He's stayed in the UK for me, so I think it would be horribly wrong to deprive him totally, but equally I'd be furious if he wanted to go every year, because then I don't get to experience my traditions - even though we're here the rest of the year.

Hope you can find a solution you're both happy with

[Rhythmisadancer]

Yanbu at all. You live there all year, and your DH should accommodate one Christmas wish a year. Happy bloomin' Christmas

[FoxyRoxy]

My parents are not British, my dh and I live in Spain with our dc's. our Christmases are a mixed bag of traditions that we make our own. You don't have to be in the uk to have a "British" Christmas. We do Scandinavian Christmas on the 24th, I make meatballs and other scandi food and the kids are allowed to open a gift, Christmas Day I do turkey and all the trimmings, and on the 6th Jan we celebrate the 3 Kings in Spanish style. Yanbu to want to celebrate Christmas your way but neither is your dh.

[IAmNotAMindReader]

YABU you do need to alternate Christmas.

[Tasmania]

Alternate.

I'm in the UK with British DH. My family is in another country. We do alternate (sometimes, we do spend 2 years here though), which I believe is fair.

Ironically, SIL and her DH (both British) are changing their plans to spend Xmas with his family only. They are even planning to move quite close to his family (they are currently in neutral territory). I don't think the news has sunk into PILs mind yet...

[lillajag]

YABU!

What if it was the other way around? You living in the UK and have to go to Sweden every Christmas?

I know how you feel, I'm a Swede in London and Christmas here isn't the same! I miss 'proper' food like ham, meatballs and salmon (not a big fan of herring!). But my DP and I have come up with a solution that suits us for the Christmases we have to spend in the UK; we celebrate a Swedish style Christmas on the 24th with Swedish friends and as much Swedish food we can find here (thanks Ocado!) and on the 25th we celebrate an English Christmas :)

If I could choose, I'd only do one Christmas a year, maybe when we have children we'll take the best of both traditions (or actually three as DP isn't British) and celebrate on one day only :)

[pigsinmud]

I might agree with them about the 11+!

I think you need to stay in your own house a few times and create your own traditions - so a mix of Swedish & British. Even British couples have different family traditions which can be difficult to change. For most people Christmas is full of memories and I think it's hard to change. We always stay in our own house and have my parents one year his the next.

The biggest one was that we used to open presents after lunch, taking it in turns to open so everyone saw what you were opening. Dh's family rip everything open at 8am in a mad frenzy We decided mad frenzy after lunch, so a bit of both traditions!

Can you not come back to the UK for Easter or for the odd birthday instead of Christmas?

[LadyClariceCannockMonty]

YABU, if only for this:
'He won't have a school uniform. We sing Swedish kids songs at playgroup. He will be interested in the moomins and pippi longstocking. He calls me mamma not mummy, he will probably be more interested in ice hockey than football.'

Are any of these things bad? I grew up in the UK and loved (still love) the Moomins and Pippi. They are published and enjoyed all over the world. I didn't have a school uniform either. I'd imagine lots of British kids don't. Does it matter what he calls you? What's wrong with Swedish kids' songs? What's wrong with ice hockey?

Just alternate Christmases. Isn't that the obviously fair way?

And can't you read him/give him British books as well as Swedish ones? Can't you sing British songs with him, if you want to? You could make him pancakes on Shrove Tuesday and explain what it means in the UK. You could tell him all about Bonfire Night and toffee apples and fireworks (maybe one year, or some years, you could have a trip to the UK that coincides with one of these holidays).

He could potentially have an extremely, enviably rich dual-heritage upbringing, being part of two different but equally wonderful cultures. I think that's the best thing you could give him.

[hellsbellsmelons]

2013 - Xmas in the UK - NY in Sweden
2014 - Xmas in Sweden - YT in UK
etc........
That's the fair to do it realy.

[MistressDeeCee]

definetely the right idea hellsbellsmelons. OP I do understand you may want to stick to your traditions and you probably have a really nice time with your family in the UK at Christmas. But if it means every christmas & NY your DP doesnt get to spend the festive season with his parents,/ DS doesnt ever spend with his paternal grandparents then yes, YABU. Its too onesided and also, its not just about you and your UK heritage.

[MaxPepsi]

My parents NDN is Austrian. With her own daughter and stepchildren.

She has lived her for 40+ years but still misses Austria dreadfully, especially after her husband died.

When we were growing up, they didn't have the money to visit her homeland that often. All of her kids and grandchildren have Austrian traditions. The main one being they celebrate on Xmas eve not Xmas day.

Some of their food 'traditions' have even filtered through to the English neighbours! And we absolutely loved going to their house when we were kids as it was mixture of both.

So what I'm trying to say, is integrate your own traditions into everyday life for him and include everyone else so that they become new tradtions.

[Welshwabbit]

My parents live a long way away whereas my husband's are relatively close by. We see them frequently, and my parents less so. My husband's parents already had a cycle which means they only have Christmas at their house once every three years (other years it is at one of my MIL's siblings' houses) - so generally, we go to them when they have Christmas at home and otherwise we go to my parents. The every third year thing seems to work well for us although our son is only 18 months old so we've only had 1 Christmas with him so far! We always see the other side of the family straight after Christmas anyway. FWIW I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I can see your partner's point of view too. Good luck!

[dontsvetmuchforafatgirl]

Hi OP

I live in Finland in exactly the same situation.
I feel your pain.
I also did every Xmas back home until kids.
Now I alternate painful though it is.

BUT REMEMBER Xmas is 24 Dec up North ( Same in Sweden I thinK)
So do what I do. Every other year do your duties, eat your herring etc on Christmas Eve, and then hot foot it out the country on Xmas or Boxing Day.
You will not believe how cheap flights are on Xmas day.
So many airlines fly now, plenty of non Christians and those who can wait.