to insist we spend every Christmas and new year with my family?

[froken]

I moved to Sweden to live with my dp 3 years ago.we now have a baby ds. We have spent every Christmas in the UK ( apart from last year as ds was less than a week old)

We are thinking about booking flights back to the UK in the next couple of days ( hence early Christmas aibu) dp suggested we go to the UK this year and stay in Sweden next year.

I have always Saud that I want to go to the UK every Christmas as we are in Sweden for all the other celebrations ( birthdays, Easter, midsummer etc) dp has now decided it isn't fair and we shouldalternate.

I feel like culturally ds will grow up feeling Swedish with a dash of britishness so it is important that he is in the UK for a big celebration each year. It also fits in well with time off work, dp only needs to take a couple of days of holiday but ends up with 2 weeks of holiday so it makes it a worthwhile trip.

Lastly they eat pickled fish and potatoes with fish and smoked fish and vodka and it just doesn't feel like Christmas.

Aibu to expect us to spend every Christmas with my family? I have offered dp the option of moving to the UK and spending every Christmas in Sweden, he wasn't keen on that idea.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

*miss

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

I am looking at this from the dh's point of view as well as froken's - and if I were him, I would feel hard-done-by if I was told I didn't deserve one Christmas in two.

But what matters is that Froken finds a solution that both she and her husband feel is fair, and it is clear to me that that is her intention - and she's had lots of good advice on here especially mine, of course!

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Oops - strike-out fail.

[violetbean]

When I was growing up we lived in my dad's home country (UK) and went to my mum's country every Christmas. It was a lot further away than Sweden so we could only make one trip a year to see mum's family - it had to be Christmas, with the bank holidays etc. However, every year, we visited my dad's (UK) family around 10th December and had an early Christmas celebration with my grandparents cooking a turkey and putting up a tree and filling a stocking for me.

It was really magical and I felt very lucky to be the only child I knew who got to have two Christmases, one in the UK before everyone else and one in a lovely hot country with very different traditions.

If your DC's birthday is a week before Christmas could you spend the week before in the UK and have a pre-Christmas celebration, then hop back to Sweden for Christmas? And if you're alternating, you'd spend DC's birthday every other year in Sweden and then be in UK for Christmas Day.

Hope you find a solution to suit you and your DP, I think YABU to 'insist' but it would be nice if you could work out a compromise.

[DoJo]

I do think that your husband shouldn't have agreed to the arrangements if he was going to try to change the deal after only 3 years, especially when one of those years wasn't even spent in the UK! Plus, it's not just for you but your family - presumably his family will get to see your son on a number of special occasions, so ensuring that your family will be able to see him at Christmas is a nice gesture. If your husband wants to change the goal posts, then I do think you should compromise, but YADNBU to have hoped he would stick with what he agreed and YANBU for wanting to have one big celebration a year in the UK. I think maybe bat it back to him - how does he suggest you redress the balance if you spend Christmas in Sweden?

[ChoosandChipsandSealingWax]

YABU, Swedish Christmas is amazing! My mum is Swedish and the way they compromised was to have two Christmases - one on Christmas Eve (Swedish, as that's when they have it) and one on Christmas Day with turkey and all the trimmings. Two Christmases! What's not to like?! Your DS will love it!

But you should also be allowed to alternate with going to UK.

[plantsitter]

I know a mixed nationality couple who rate the importance to them of being in a country for anything in particular from 1-10. Obviously you have to be completely honest with yourself and each other. That way if the xmas issue is 10 for you and an 8 for your DH, you would win. If he feels more strongly, he does. If it's the same, you have to alternate.

Obviously once DS is a bit older he should have some input too.

[Snazzyenjoyingsummer]

I like Billy Bunter's suggestion of every third year in Sweden. And I would definitely have a British style day on the 25th if that's not so special in Sweden.

[littlemonkeychops]

YADNBU, you live near his family year round and agreed to spent christmasses in the UK and now he's gone back on that, very unfair. Of course DS might want to spend it in sweeden once he's older but for now i don't think asking him to let you have xmas is too big an ask.

[BillyBanter]

I agree on the pancakes. I have them all the time but rarely on shrove tuesday.

You haven't answered my question. Would you be ok if you lived here but never ever got a british Christmas or NY here with your family? Or would you be angling for an alternating system.

every third year, even every fourth year. I think you need to give him something on this and just make sure you get a lovely alternative holiday here in exchange.

[froken]

Billybunting I would absolutely agree to spending every Christmas in Sweden if we lived in tge UK,

[diddl]

They don't do Halloween?

Who does the cooking on Christmas Day?

If you, then surely you can do turkey etc if you want?

[tallulah]

YANBU. We moved to my DH's hometown when we got married. My parents were 4 hours away, while the PIL were 5 mins up the road. We did Xmas at my parents every year.

Same argument as yours; PIL got all the other celebrations; saw our DC every week; got to come to the school events, so Xmas was for my family.

[WinkyWinkola]

Yanbu. You've already given so much by moving to Sweden although I'm sure life there is lovely.

But in the spirit of generosity, I would stay every third year in Sweden.

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

What about one year christmas in the uk and easter in sweden then the next year christmas in sweden and easter in the uk?

I can understand wanting to go back to your relatives in the uk but I also understand your relatives in sweden wanting to spend christmas with you. I think alternating would be fair.

Seeing someone routinely isn't the same as sharing a big annual event with them. There's something nice about that, even if you see them every week. It's different.

[Doesnotdrinkalcohol]

YANBU. That is all.

[TidyDancer]

I think the every third Christmas idea is the most reasonable of the sharing options. Although that said, I don't think it's unreasonable for you to suggest every Christmas in the UK since as you point out every other celebratory day is spent in Sweden.

The vodka bit of the tradition sounds good but the rest sounds difficult for someone used to the UK traditions!

[JenaiMorris]

I like the idea of having two Christmases when you're in Sweden. That they celebrate on the 24th makes that eminently doable.

I think I heard elsewhere on MN that turkeys are tricky to get hold of in Sweden - other than that, all Christmas dinner is is a slightly grander than usual roast. You can manage that, I'm sure :)

Which, thinking about it, is comparable to your observation that Swedish Christmas food is the same as all their other festive fare - millions of British people have a roast every Sunday

YANBU to insist on spending some Christmases back home, but YABU to insist on them all being here.

[ShakeAndVac]

You can't expect your DH to never celebrate Christmas again with his family, surely? That's massively unreasonable.
No, pickled fish and vodka may not be 'your' traditional Christmas, but it is your DH's.
How would you feel if you were all living in the UK, and DH insisted you were to always go to Sweden for Christmas? Not alternate, just always with his family. No way that would be acceptable, and it's not acceptable your way round either.
It's all very well saying "but they see him all year" - well, they don't ever at Christmas, so that's hardly the same, is it?
Christmas is about FAMILY, and you know this obviously as you want to see yours at Christmas.
He has every right to see his every other year too.

[ShakeAndVac]

Billybunting I would absolutely agree to spending every Christmas in Sweden if we lived in tge UK,

Why is it so important to see your family every Christmas then if it's the other way round?!

[froken]

It is important to me because it is an easy way to see all my family together.

It is also important to me that ds has something in his life that he feels British about. I do want him to feel Swedish as we live here and he is half Swedish but it makes me sad to think that there is nothing British about his identity.

I think it would be easier if the UK and Sweden didn't celebrate the same holidays but in very different ways.

Halloween is at tge same time of year as old Hallows eve when families go to pay respect to their dead by placing candles on their graves, it is seen by many as very inappropriate to have children running around dressed as ghosts and skeletons at such a sensitive time ( although the tradition of lighting candles on graves is a really lovely way of everyone coming together to remember the dead, we join in every year)

[tumbletumble]

YANBU. You've moved to his country, the least he can do is let you come back for Xmas most years.

[Bue]

YANBU. You have agreed to live in his country and your son will grow up Swedish. I think this is actually a pretty small thing you are asking in return. However, I can also see your DP's point of view. I think it is harsh to never allow him to spend Xmas with his family. What about every 3 or 4 years instead? The UK is pretty close to Sweden in the grand scheme of things and it isn't exactly hard to get back at other times of the year to visit with your family.

[Bue]

Actually, you know what, having read the whole thread now, I think you should have every Xmas in the UK if you want it that way. It is clearly very important to you. I would probably still allow him the odd Xmas in Sweden (like every 5 years) but those years you could fly to the UK on Boxing Day possibly, and stay til New Years?

[IamSlave]

YANBU

As you said your lives are pre dominantly based in sweden, therefore of course, there is nothing wrong with xmas in the UK.

Seeing as you live in sweden and are there 99% of the time.