To expect a yr 10 student to put his clothes in the wash and make his own packed lunch. Teachers also please answer.

[PaulSmenis]

I'm having a dilemma with eldest ds, nearly 15.

I have been too soft on him imo and told him that he will have to make his own packed lunch as from the start of this term.

So far, he can't be arsed. This puts me in a difficult position. I think part of my job as a parent is fostering independence. He is definitely capable of even just making a sarnie.

I'm torn between letting him get to the point where he'll realise that he needs to make his lunch for school and making it for him. I'm worried that his teachers will think I'm neglecting him! If I keep making it for him, he won't ever make it himself though.

Apparently there was nothing to eat yesterday, but we had cheese, laft over roast veg, seedy bread and fruit. So, a good lunch there imo.

I've also put him in charge of getting his laundry in the machine. So, that hasn't been done in time so his PE kit is damp.

DP and I are also busy and I think it's time DS should be starting to take responsibility over meals, laundry and other bits. Unfortunately, he really can't be arsed and I don't want to be a pushover. So, it's a case of stalemate.

Will I get a call from the school asking me wtf is going on?

[flipchart]

I've gone on in my previous post how DS makes lunch the evening before.
Now my next task (although they are getting better) is to make sure there is no evidence of food making once they leave the kitchen.

It shouldn't be breaking news to them that I expect ( well hope) that everywhere is tidy after but they act as if it is!!

[bigTillyMint]

YANBU, but if you want him to make his own lunch, you will have to accept that he might not bother and so not eat all day. That would probably happen in my house!

I work full-time, but am home by 4.30, so have enough time to do stuff in the house.

DD(Y10, but only just 14!) - I make her packed lunch so that she has something to eat healthy as she doesn't want to queue/all her friends have packed lunches. DS(Y8) has money on his fob for a school "dinner" - he is responsible for choosing it

They both have to put washing in the basket and put away clean clothes (we don't iron) and make sure their rooms are tidy enough for cleaning on a Friday.
We do not supervise homework at all - they gets a lot and also spend a lot of time doing sports, which we encourage, so they don't have a whole lot of spare time.

They both get their own breakfasts and sometimes lunches at weekends and both help/can cook a simple meal.

[PaulSmenis]

flipchart my ds has made a mess in the kitchen before now to make me think he had made lunch. It would have been just as easy for him to actually make it.

[lottiegarbanzo]

I do wonder whether if you removed the pressure from this topic and just 'stopped noticing', he might find it much easier to drift into doing the right thing when the whim takes him.

[bigTillyMint]

God, he can be bothered to pretend to make his lunch?!

So just leave him to it as lottie says - it sounds like he just doesn't want you breathing down his neck

[ErrolTheDragon]

my ds has made a mess in the kitchen before now to make me think he had made lunch. It would have been just as easy for him to actually make it

between that and the not eating bags of crisps which have been in his bag, sounds like he's got some strange issue with packed lunches. Perhaps it would be better to ensure he eats a good breakfast and tea when he gets home, and let him have just enough money for a bit of whatever rubbish he'll actually eat during the day.

But having compromised on that - be really firm on the laundry and anything else of that ilk.

[passedgo]

Both mine make their own sandwiches, I'm trying to get them to do other chores and have let the house turn into a hovel in an attempt to get them to 'drift into doing the right thing', but it hasn't worked.

Any ideas welcome. I have started an earnings chart so the youngest gets paid 50p for a chore, or £1 for 15 mins (cheaper than a cleaner).

But she's only done 3 chores so far in 2 weeks.

I'm sick of the mess and am just going to do it myself now. The oldest helps when I ask but only if she's not 'busy'.

[PaulSmenis]

ErrolTheDragon I'm inclined to agree with you. I'm not sure where the lunch issues come from, but he does eat at home.

[Crinkle77]

I think you are doing the right thing but I have to say I sympathise with him when he said there was nothing for lunch. He did not really have much to choose from and left over roast veg would be pretty horrible eaten cold.

[ErrolTheDragon]

I think we sometimes get a bit too hung up on 3 meals a day... apparently in Tudor times the norm was 2 a day.

[PaulSmenis]

I know the roast veg seems odd. I often do a load of it with herbs and spices and we'll pick at the left overs. I do beetroot, pumpkin and other stuff. It's really nice.

[ErrolTheDragon]

cold roast veg is gorgeous in a wrap, esp with some goats cheese or similar - but its not standard school packed lunch fare!

[PaulSmenis]

I've just been informed by DS that he thinks he's gluten intolerant. I asked him what he wants me to buy in for his lunch and he said "healthy gluten free stuff". Apparently he's too busy with his science project to write a list or come shopping.

[mrsjay]

he cant know if he is gluten intolerant unless he has a test tell him that

[Ericaequites]

His future girlfriend/partner will thank you if you teach your son to manage for himself.
I had to make my own school lunch at twelve or so.

[SoonToBeSix]

Yabu my year ten dd has been making her own lunch since she was in year six.

[niceguy2]

My DS would wear a very damp PE kit, go hungry etc. Some people are very stubborn and/or very lazy.

Yep, my DS would wear a dirty/damp PE kit too. But at the end of the day it's his choice. The rules are clear in our house.

Teenagers are just overgrown toddlers. And as we all know the worst thing you can do with a toddler is give in. Because once you do it once, they'll push you and push you until you give in again.

So play the long game. Let peer pressure of others laughing at him for wearing damp/smelly kit change his behaviour. At his age he will not allow himself to starve. He'll grow tired of going hungry.

At that age we rebel against our parents for the stupidest reasons. Don't make a fuss and eventually there's nothing to rebel about.

[chocoluvva]

I agree. It's just very hard to stand back and watch our teens behave in a way that's not good for them. (Am thinking of injuries sustained as a result of carelessness that DS doesn't tell me about as he'd have to reveal how he got the injury. Etc. Sigh.)

Or my very skinny DS not bothering to have lunch.... then feasting on crisps and sweets when he gets in from school and then not eating his nutritious, home-made dinner. Etc. Sigh)

[PostBellumBugsy]

passedgo - don't pay your kids to help you! Tell them to shift their arses, otherwise you will stop doing all the things you do for them.

In my house, I work on the basis, that I can offer my DCs more than they can offer me. So, I am their driver, I am their money provider, I am the chef and I keep the house warm and supplied with electricity. I also pay for their phones & supply items like televisions, x-boxes and ipods.

If my kids don't help me, then there are sanctions. Not because I'm an evil bitch (although I probably am a bit) but because I AM NOT A SERVANT and I am not going to run around after them like they were nincompoops and I was some kind of unpaid household helper & taxi.

It is so easy to say, if you don't help me out today, I will not drive you to the party this evening because I will be too tired. And then don't drive them to the party unless they've helped! It really works - no payment needed.

[PaulSmenis]

It is hard to watch them behaving like arses and let them realise the errors of their ways. I just find myself worrying that's they just won't learn, but that's their lookout I suppose.

I agree that they're a bit like overgrown toddlers. They can be just as awkward.

I often think DS is just likes to make a point of being stubborn and difficult. I can't think where he gets that from.

[chocoluvva]

I remember my DM shaking her head and saying, "Well, you'll just have to learn it the hard way"!

As you say, the worry is that they won't learn.

[niceguy2]

They WILL learn. It just might not be the lesson you want them to learn.

[chocoluvva]

Ohhh.

"not be the lesson you want them to learn" - can you explain what you mean by that?

[niceguy2]

The thing I will say is that just as with toddlers, consistency & repetition are key.

When I first started DD cooking she resisted. Couldn't do it. Stropped, cried. You name it, she tried it. We ignored her and continued to press her to do it.

Now she still pulls a face sometimes but she can rustle up a decent meal.

Ditto with washing up. At first the kids resisted. Now they just do it and often don't even realise. They just go into autopilot cos we expect them to do it every single day. It's about as routine to them as brushing their teeth.

[chocoluvva]

The benefits of good training!

But, to press you on your previous post - did you mean the lesson learnt might be that the teenager can get by with no lunch/find a way to scrounge free food/ something like that?