To expect a yr 10 student to put his clothes in the wash and make his own packed lunch. Teachers also please answer.

[PaulSmenis]

I'm having a dilemma with eldest ds, nearly 15.

I have been too soft on him imo and told him that he will have to make his own packed lunch as from the start of this term.

So far, he can't be arsed. This puts me in a difficult position. I think part of my job as a parent is fostering independence. He is definitely capable of even just making a sarnie.

I'm torn between letting him get to the point where he'll realise that he needs to make his lunch for school and making it for him. I'm worried that his teachers will think I'm neglecting him! If I keep making it for him, he won't ever make it himself though.

Apparently there was nothing to eat yesterday, but we had cheese, laft over roast veg, seedy bread and fruit. So, a good lunch there imo.

I've also put him in charge of getting his laundry in the machine. So, that hasn't been done in time so his PE kit is damp.

DP and I are also busy and I think it's time DS should be starting to take responsibility over meals, laundry and other bits. Unfortunately, he really can't be arsed and I don't want to be a pushover. So, it's a case of stalemate.

Will I get a call from the school asking me wtf is going on?

[mrsjay]

dds wouldnt take anything in for interval and tbh at 15 it so isn't cool to take a lunch from home dd tries to regain her cool with the chips and whatot somedays just so she isn't the only pne with a lunchbox, I said this on a thread the other day some kid teased her because she had cheery tomatoes in her lunch

[PaulSmenis]

Perhaps chocolate bars and sweets are the in thing at ds's school.

I want some chocolate now.

[chocoluvva]

I'll see your "processed food and chemicals used in farming" and raise it to 'filter our drinking water in a jug' - sorry, not helpful.

I do think that being seen to be concerned about avoiding additives, g-f syrup etc gives our teens something to rebel against. I know it could be so much worse, but it's still hard to not be and sometimes. Although it isn't 'small stuff' from a health POV, overall this probably is a case of battling and 'sweating the small stuff' IMO. Your relationship with your teenager is also very important.

[chocoluvva]

Oh dear - I think I've come over patronisingly again - my speciality - not intended that way. (wisdom from a nutrition -conscious mum of a 14YO DS and a nearly 17YO DS)

[chocoluvva]

x-posted. sorry.

[mrsjay]

you haven't chocoluva

[Vatta]

Hmmm, I do wonder whether there's some kind of food/germ issue there that's making this difficult for him. Might be worth reading up a bit on food issues, see if that gives you any ideas to help him. The charity beat has a useful website and advice line for food problems.

[PaulSmenis]

chocoluvva , you mentioned about your bowel cancer. I haven't had cancer, but was ill for a long time, so possibly more conscious of what I eat than a lot of people.

You can buy a lot of things in this life, but good health isn't one of them unless you are seriously loaded. I think a good diet is so important, but a lot of food in the supermarkets is utter rubbish.

[noblegiraffe]

If his school is anything like mine, there'll be kids who bulk buy chocolate, sweets and pop from the cash and carry, then flog it out of their school bag at break and lunch time. I'm sure there's many a parent sending in lentils which unbeknownst to them are binned (I see so many lunches being binned) while their kid has a mars bar and an energy drink for lunch.

[AutumnWitch]

We have a tick sheet for the boys lunches - for each day they mark which type of bread/filling/veg/fruit and pudding they want.. They fill it in once each week, and we make sure the ingredients are in the house. All we have to do is assemble it in the morning (mine are 8 and 5 - eldest helps with his). Saves a lot of stress.
Teenagers are not good at mornings - maybe he needs a bit of a help with the planning part?

[StuntGirl]

Wow, I didn't realise I had been so spoiled as a kid. My mum, who was a single parent and worked full time, would get up in a morning and cook fresh tuna, mayo and sweetcorn pasta for my lunch, all the way up to the end of year 11. I never did laundry either, she did it all.

I'm a fully functioning adult now though, I promise

[mrsjay]

noblegiraffe i would see why the sweet would be scoffed and lunch binned, TBH i know good nutrition is very important BUT if they have a good breakfast and a good dinner then is lunch really a big thing

[mrsjay]

I do the washing stuntgirl but i wont wash what isn't there

[gintastic]

My children are expected to put their clothes in the laundry basket as soon as they can undress, so 2.5ish.

Just been teaching 3.5yr old how to make scrambled eggs, but he's not quite able to make a sandwich. Eldest at nearly 6 is perfectly happy I make her own packed lunch.

From 14, I was collecting younger sibs from school, walking them home, starting tea and making sure packed lunch boxes and book bags were emptied with any notes placed where Mum could find them. Occasionally if Mum had to work late I would finish tea, feed sibs and load dishwasher.

[PaulSmenis]

My mum and dad were bothout out at work all day, so I got my own breakfast and lunch. They went shopping once a week, so if we scoffed all the nice food straight away it was jam on toast/jam sandwiches for the rest of the week. We were teenagers by then of course. The strange thing was that my mum always bought me a coffe first thing in the morning when she woke me up. She also bought me in a lit cigarette from the age of 15. Her and DF had very repectable jobs so that was very weird looking back.

If we didn't put clothes to wash or do other chores we got an almighty bollocking. I am a messy disorganised git.

[overthemill]

no school will notice or even care ime. unless he faints with hunger or comes in smelling. You are definitely doing the right thing but boys are harder tan girls to train! (evidence: my dh...)

food: i ask my dd yr 10 what she would like in her lunches next week and put things on the shopping list. I don't pander to her but she hates bread but will eat wraps for example so I get a pack of those in; she gets bored with cheese so some weeks she has chicken, etc. She tends to make salads on day and a wrap the next and one day she has school dinner (on pizza day). If she can't be arsed to put things on the list she gets what is in the fridge and the next week she co-operates!

Washing: i get my kids to put their stuff down daily and i tend to keep on top of it myself because i wok f/t at the moment so we rarely have issues but i always have to shout rainy weekends to make sure i get stuff early enough. My yr 13 ds often washes and irons his own stuff cos he's very fussy

[hellsbells99]

I make my DCs lunch. They are 15 & 16. If I didn't, it would be hit and miss whether they would eat - and it often is anyway if they have extra music or lessons at lunch. Its also no hardship as I am doing mine too. But I do expect them to help with laundry/ironing, empty dishwasher, cleaning, cooking etc. DD1 has just gone into the 6th form and is overwhelmed with homework so I am going easy on her for a week or two. Otherwise, it is a household of 4 (with 2 working and 2 at school) and all 4 of us have to 'muck in'!

[mrsjay]

you think overthemill i have just gone into my dd bedroom to look for MY hairdrush it is a shit tip I am fuming obviously just bring me the washing she needs

[lottiegarbanzo]

I did my brownie hostess and cook badges, ironed regularly at 11 and cooked my own evening meals from 15. I was interested in environmental issues then and as an adult this informs my food-buying and I cook from scratch and eat healthily.

But - as a teenager I still bought and loved rubbish, especially crisps and swung between or really, intermingled, healthy or diet fads with buying iced buns form the school canteen and feasting on pickled onion monster munch.

I just think teenagers like eating rubbish and are also going through phases of experimentation with food, sleep, self-organisation and other behaviours. How do you know that eating too much sugar makes you hyper? I know because I've tried it and, now and then, found it quite fun.

[niceguy2]

You definitely have to foster independence or you'll end up with a 30yr old man child who still comes home to raid the fridge!

I've always encouraged my kids to be independent. Sometimes a little too much so since sometimes I wonder if they really need me other than for money!

My eldest is 16 and cooks dinner for everyone at least once a week. She also irons all uniforms and can do the washing if needed (although my wife is quite anal about it so she does it). I confess I haven't quite mastered the art of getting her to hang out properly or tidy the squalor in her room.

My youngest is 12 and is already learning to cook dinner with us. Once I feel he's safe enough to go solo, he'll also be expected to rustle up dinner once a week.

Left both of them alone last week to build Ikea flatpack furniture. House was still standing when I got back from the gym. Of course it would have been quicker for me to do it but then I wouldn't be teaching them anything.

Now he's a teenager, the main lesson you can teach is responsibility and consequences. So his PE kit is dirty/damp. Then he wears that and tough shit. If he gets a detention then tough shit. Enjoy!

If he goes hungry at lunch because he cba to make his own lunch then he goes hungry.

Right now he's playing on the fact you love him and don't want to see him 'suffer'. But as a parent your job now is to slowly let him go. And part of that will be to teach him some life lessons.

[JohFlow]

Teaching your kids independence is one of our central parental roles. A bit of work up front but you reap the rewards repeatedly afterwards. A 15 year old should be heading towards self sufficiency as a young adult. In the next couple of years he will be heading out into the wider world of work/further study. He will be expected to play his part in teams - including domestic chores as necessary.

At 15 I was looking entirely after myself bar one or two tasks. My parents were keen on every family member contributing what they could to running the household. I can remember giving my mum/dad hassle from time to time but they persisted and I eventually started to enjoy being able to do things for myself and when I liked.

I do think that you need to make a decision how far you are going to help him with the lunch/washing tasks. If he knows how to work the washer; he is capable of doing both of these things. It would be ok just to stand ground until he starts to cooperate. If he does not help; there are natural consequences e.g he will be hungry or not have his fave shirt when he is due out.

If you are worried about school - you could send them a little note explaining the independence you are working to. It may be worth asking the school about their life skills programmes and how they also encourage independancy.

[chocoluvva]

I'm sure you're right niceguy2, but it's difficult and frustrating when they are prepared to suffer the consequences for a long time. My DS would wear a very damp PE kit, go hungry etc. Some people are very stubborn and/or very lazy.

[Lovesabadboy]

Definitely stick to your guns!

My two DD's have been making their own lunches since the last year of Primary School.

Only yesterday my 6th Form daughter told me how most of her friends still have their sandwiches made by their parents ....and then have the audacity to moan about what is in the sandwiches!
She said she had to bite her tongue not to tell her friend exactly what she thought of her for being so lazy/rude!

These kids are 16/17 now - IMO parents are actually doing them a dis-service by not making them think and do these things for themselves.

[PaulSmenis]

My DS would wear a very damp PE kit, go hungry etc. Some people are very stubborn and/or very lazy.

Him and my ds are kindred spirits!