To expect a yr 10 student to put his clothes in the wash and make his own packed lunch. Teachers also please answer.

[PaulSmenis]

I'm having a dilemma with eldest ds, nearly 15.

I have been too soft on him imo and told him that he will have to make his own packed lunch as from the start of this term.

So far, he can't be arsed. This puts me in a difficult position. I think part of my job as a parent is fostering independence. He is definitely capable of even just making a sarnie.

I'm torn between letting him get to the point where he'll realise that he needs to make his lunch for school and making it for him. I'm worried that his teachers will think I'm neglecting him! If I keep making it for him, he won't ever make it himself though.

Apparently there was nothing to eat yesterday, but we had cheese, laft over roast veg, seedy bread and fruit. So, a good lunch there imo.

I've also put him in charge of getting his laundry in the machine. So, that hasn't been done in time so his PE kit is damp.

DP and I are also busy and I think it's time DS should be starting to take responsibility over meals, laundry and other bits. Unfortunately, he really can't be arsed and I don't want to be a pushover. So, it's a case of stalemate.

Will I get a call from the school asking me wtf is going on?

[shrinkingnora]

I misread your thread title as 10 yr old ds. And I was still going to say YANBU!

[stillstanding29]

Good luck to you PaulSmenis

[chocoluvva]

I sympathise with you. It's horrible when they don't seem bothered about their own health. I don't think you're being "all anal about health". (It nearly breaks my heart when I see DD spending her pocket money on diet coke!)

But I still wouldn't continue to indulge him by taking him shopping again - that will continue to have him feel you're trying to 'control' him. We know you're trying very hard to ensure he has a healthy diet, but he clearly doesn't see it like that.

Step right back. Don't mention lunch to him at all for a bit. Hopefully he'll make better choices when he begins to feel they're his choices, not yours or gets fed up of having nothing/rubbish for lunch. Or grows out of wanting to be the same as his rubbish-eating peers.

[PaulSmenis]

DS can do all of these things, but he just doesn't want to do them. Things like tidying up after himself, putting clothes away. Maybe it's a teenage thing, but he is less amenable these days and has never wanted to put laundry in the basket - ever.

[chocoluvva]

My DS is the same - it's very annoying. Lazy and careless. His dad is the same.

[PaulSmenis]

Thank god it's not just me chocoluvva, I absolutely hate it when DS spends his money on coke and other crap.

[mrsjay]

I think it might be a teenage thing and a possible over indulgence thing too I did it with dd1 and was rushing about after her tail picking up after her then i realised she was 13 years old she was able to put a bloody towel in the washing, he is just being lazy and rebelling because you always did stuff for him it can creep up on us without realising, poor dd2 though she never got the picking up of the towels I had learned my lesson by then

[Jellybeanz1]

Make sure he's not taking money to buy inappropriate lunches, then his tummy will get the better of him and he'll have to knuckle down. My dc are a little younger but dd 11 does a daily dishwasher stack and unload and 1 x week family meal.

[mrsjay]

the eating crap will pass dd1 used to eat all sorts of rubbish at at that age she eats quite healthy now well except for the redbull

[littlemisswise]

I couldn't be bothered to argue over a packed lunch and the laundry, tbh. You say he is a good lad, he does other chores and yet here you are causing angst over a few pairs of dirty pants and a bloody sandwich! Why?
(I do have teens, btw 16&18yo boys).

I would just give him lunch money. If he eats crap, which he will make sure he has a few extra fruit and veg at home. Put a laundry basket in his room and give him a yell when you are putting the wash on.

[stillstanding29]

The favourite complaint in my house is - you want me to empty the whole dishwasher. Argghhh!!

[mrsjay]

you want me to empty the whole dishwasher.

and then refill it

[PaulSmenis]

mrsjay, maybe it's pfb thing? You could well be right. DP thinks this is all because I've been soft on him. He is a real disciplinarian.

He'll eat anything at home. As you can tell from the local produce thing, I am a bit of yoghurt knitter. DS will happily eat quinoa, chickpeas and all kinds of veg. He has even asked to take left overs in his lunch, but won't actually get as far as putting them in his lunchbox.

I'm just going to back off and stfu about lunches and continue to make sure he does his share of the housework.

[PaulSmenis]

Yeah littlemisswise, the whole thing has probably got a bit silly.

[NoComet]

My Y11 DD could happily rummage for sandwich ingredients, DD2(12) will only eat ham or salami.

Generally though, DH makes sandwiches and the DDs grab, yoghurts, crisps, fruit pots, cereal bars, apples and tangerines as they want. I try to keep one corner of the fridge and a box in the dinning room with packed lunch stuff.

DD2 is a right fusspot and she's sorted what she wants since she was about 7 as no one else can be bothered to remember what she likes this week.

Washing that's still a work in progress, one light stuff and one dark stuff basket seems a bit hard to grasp

[chocoluvva]

I'm known for being fastidious about quantities of fruit and veg consumed (despite my MN-name) and reading labels too. My particular bugbears are artificial sweeteners, glucose-fructose syrup, processed meat and smoked foods ( I had bowel cancer aged 42) and coke. I hate coke - caffeine, phosphoric acid, caramel, a ton of sugar or aspartame. Dreadful stuff. And don't get me started on energy drinks (basically coke minus the cola nut flavouring with added stimulants).

I think mrsjay'is right about teenagers going through a phase of eating rubbish then returning to healthier options. I see a bit of this with my 16YO already. She used to eat next to nothing for lunch but now gets the school meal deal and she's recently developed a taste for fruit teas.

[PaulSmenis]

Thanks StarBallBunny, the confusion over laundry is pretty normal then.

What's pissed me off the most is when DS has taken food to school that he's chosen specially and not eaten it. He has this weird thing that he can't eat anything that has been in his bag all day. He won't even touch an unopened bag or crisps, cereal bar or drink.

[Vatta]

Um....your last post has made me wonder whether there's some kind of anxiety problem/eating problem here? It's very odd that he won't eat an unopened packet of crisps if it's been in his bag. Have you explored that with him? I just wonder if he has some kind of germ phobia or something, that may explain why it feels impossible for him to make his lunch and eat it.

[LookingThroughTheFog]

We used to get a monthly food/clothes allowance (£30 at the time). That money had to cover any new clothes we wanted except school uniforms, stationery for school, and lunches. If we wanted something other than the bread and jam that was in the house, we paid for it. If we wanted hot lunch, we paid for that too. This was from when we were 11.

It wasn't always straight forward. There were times when we got silly and spent all our money upfront and then whined about the bread and jam lunch. But there were other times when we scrimped and saved to get that one thing we really wanted.

It didn't make me financially competent - I've made a number of silly mistakes since adulthood.

What it did do was give my parents a get-out of the argument line. 'You know the rules - you won't starve, deal with it yourself.'

With the laundry (and cleaning the kitchen), we had a rota. Clothes would be left in front of the machine to be washed, and whoever's turn it was would do them all. That way you weren't waiting for someone else's two t-shirts to finish before you could put a load in. Yes, obviously we all saved up our clothes until it was someone else's week, but as we were all doing that, it evened out.

When we got older still, 15 or so, the rota extended to cooking dinner. She'd buy easy to cook things or have pots of frozen stew in the freezer, and we dealt with it. We were all out of the house all day, Mum (on her own at that point) worked full time. The household only worked if we all pulled together and did our bit.

I certainly don't think it's unreasonable for a child of 15 to be able to manage himself just a bit, and recognise that in the family, there are roles for everyone.

[whois]

This is going to sound awful, but my mum actually made my packed lunch the night before for me when I worked for a year before uni!

She used to say she wanted to when I said I could make it myself. It was really nice of her, made my day easier. I was getting up and leaving in the dark in winter and she was retired so a little bit more time.

It hasn't ruined me. I'm a good cook, I'm not lazy, I don't take her for granted.

I would have been embarrassed to tell people my mum made my lunch tho I think!

[PaulSmenis]

Vatta, it is a bit odd isn't it? I've asked him about this and he just clams up about it. He doesn't seem to have any other issues like this.

[chocoluvva]

I think everyone has different ways of demonstrating their love though. For some people it's by feeding, for others it's by nurturing their goal for their children to be responsible and independent even when it's easier to cave in. Other people are fantastic listeners....

My DS won't eat apples that have been in his bag. But unopened packets? hmm. Very tricky for you OP

[flipchart]

Tbh I think you are already way lto at introducing the laundry idea. This should have been done years ago. Mine have been doing this since they were toddlers - not perfect al the time and with ds2 who is 14 I still have the occasional bawl at him for forgetting to take his p e kit out of his bag. The point I'm making is that it is an ingrained habit since they were small.

Same with lunches. From they were about 8 and 10 DH would call them down in the evenings and say ' come on lads, let's get your lunches done,it'll save us time in the morning' so that too was a habit.

Could you do that with the lunches, start to assist and then back off bit by bit?

[chocoluvva]

Is it inconvenient for your DS to eat at school intervals perhaps? Or just not cool to eat anything you've taken from home?

DD didn't used to take anything for interval with her.

[PaulSmenis]

I think we just try our best to do the right thing by our DC chocoluvva, but it's pretty easy to miss the mark.

I worry quite a lot about glucose-fructose syrup, artificial sweeteners, processed food and chemicals used in farming. DP thinks I'm a bit neurotic about it all, so maybe I've inadvertantly given DS a weird food anxiety? My DB has a phobia of eating in front of other people. Maybe my family are a bunch of food weirdos?