To be disappointed with/for my DD?

[Wuldric]

DD (15) is super sporty. Throughout her school career she has played the major school sports (hockey, netball and tennis). She does very well at school level and is in fact captain of all three teams. She is a pretty nifty swimmer too.

Her PE teachers from age 6 onwards have tried to encourage her to join clubs to pursue these sports slightly more seriously. DD has flatly, but flatly refused to go to them all. 'Mum, I don't want to get up at 5am to go to a pool.' 'Mum, I cannot be arsed with going to a hockey club and having to be all jolly hockey sticks'. 'Mum, I don't want to go to netball trials, I'd rather watch TV.'

If you are an over eager and enthusiastic type of parent, wanting to encourage all latent potential, this attitude of DD's has been pretty incomprehensible. Until last week, when she decided to go to netball trials. She chose the premier club in the area, with lots of England players and players in something called a Superleague. Not the friendly pootling club close by. So this was a bit of a huge step. Also, go figure, some of these girls have been training intensively since the age of 10. By 15 they are hardened veterans. They have calves that are as big, hard and muscled as tree-trunks. I gulp, try to be enthusiastic and supportive, and take her to the trials. There are 60 girls all experienced netballers, aiming for 12 or 13 places.

She aces these flipping trials. She is a shooter and every shot went in, from every angle, under pressure from vastly more experienced defenders. She works her third of the court tirelessly as well. So she gets a place. The coach comes across and tells me she cannot believe in DD's talent and that DD is the most exciting prospect she has seen for years.

The training is tonight. I arrange time off work to take her to the training (it is too complicated and difficult to go on public transport). I get home in time and she announces that she'd really rather just 'slob out' and she cannot be bothered with training or in fact ever going again.

I am gutted for DD. I kind of feel that she has all this talent, but that she is just letting it all go to waste. Why would you just ... not bother?

Sorry this is a bit epic and reading it back it sounds like stealth boasting. It isn't it is just genuine - why would she just not bother. Have we not found the right sport for her?

[DropYourSword]

Maybe she wanted to go because she wanted to see if she was "good enough". Now that she knows that she is good enough she's no reason to go back (in her the mind).

[HangingGardenofBabbysBum]

you are an over eager and enthusiastic type of parent

I think you put your finger on it. You sound way too over invested.

My DD plays a sport at county level. Every year there are miserable looking girls and their over eager mums who turn up to training, get a place in the team and drop out a few weeks later. It's a big waste of time for the coaches and committed players.

Why don't you take up a sport yourself then maybe it wouldn't matter quite so disproportionately?

You said she works hard at school and has a great group of mates. That's a lot to be thankful for in a teenager!

[pongping]

My DH (not British) had a huge sporting talent when he was younger - playing internationally and with a well-paid career ahead of him. In High School he just decided it wasn't for him anymore, and that he would be bored silly playing it day in, day out for the next 15 years. So he ditched it and did all sorts of interesting things instead.

Now personally I can't understand that decision - he could have retired by now (we are mid-30s) with enough money to do whatever the jeff he wanted - where was his perspective?! But he is happy with it, and we wouldn't have met or had our lovely DC had he chosen a career in sport.

I guess that as a person of very average ability :o, I just imagine that having some amazing superpower = having to use it?

[Snog]

shes just not that into it.
you have a teen who plays a healthy amount of sport and tries hard at school in her studies and sport
you already have everything here in your child.
be happy with it.

[teatimesthree]

Just to knock the UCAS/CV thing on the head - universities admissions tutors couldn't give a fig about sport. (Except for Sports Science presumably...) She would be much better off spending the time reading around her chosen subject area (in terms of getting into university, that is).

[LovesBeingOnHoliday]

She either went to support her friend or just to prove to herself she is that good, now she knows.

[luxemburgerli]

I get you OP. It's not so much about whether or not she plays netball at a higher level, but the fact that she can't just mess everyone around.

She would be going for at least several weeks if she was my DD. You can't say you want to do something, have other people run around after you taking time off work etc, commit to it and then decide "actually can't be bothered" at the last minute. It's not that it's netball/you being pushy etc, it's that you can't let her treat you (and others) with such disrespect!

[Wuldric]

I didn't mention the money, which is a bit irritating and I have explained to DD she has to repay it. The money involved being the best part of £400 in club fees, affiliation fees, kit and a post (the coach told me it was essential to get her a post as she is a shooter).

You are all picking up on different facets and all of you right if that makes sense. I'd like to ensure that DD feels confident enough to face the world, and I am nervous that she struggles with new environments.

[exoticfruits]

I can understand her and have every sympathy. You want to live through her and she knows it. You are not going to take a back seat and let her get on with it, you desperately want a high achieving child to bask in the glory.you want to be involved.
I know a DS like that, he started a sport young and found that he was very good at it and then his mother got involved. First it was just taking him all around the country, then it was getting into the organisation in practical ways and it took over her life. He then stopped! He announced he wasn't doing it any more and there was nothing she could do.
You have to be dedicated. I went to school with a DD who went to the Olympics, it was her life- she had no life outside it as a teenager. It was fine because it was what she wanted to do- however she dropped it when she went to university.
I agree with Snog, you have a lovely DD who is a good all rounder-what more could you want? Enjoy it and stop wanting to have a roomful of cups, newspaper pictures etc. it isn't what she wants.
I am surprised with all those saying 'make her go for a few weeks' - they don't want people like that in elite squads. Yes you can make her- you can't make her try!
She didn't 'mess OP about' it was driven by OP who was mad keen to give it a go and would love to support her.
Just accept that she is a sporty girl.

[exoticfruits]

You are over invested. If it is so important to you then you take up a sport and put your efforts into it.

[Loopytiles]

Can understand why it's annoying that she's let people down and messes you around and wasted money. If she refuses to go to training after persuasion, and you don't want to force her, she should contact them to tell them she will no longer be coming, repay the money and so on.

But it's her talent to squander!

I have a friend who was/is a very talented musician, didn't want to pursue it and doesn't regret that.

[AmberLeaf]

But the thing is, I absolutely didn't force DD to go to this trial

But maybe the ongoing pressure from you and teachers led to it, even if you didn't force this, it may have built up over time?

I also think it is bonkers to spend that sort of money on something like that.

[Wuldric]

She didn't 'mess OP about' it was driven by OP who was mad keen to give it a go and would love to support her.

But I feel that she did mess me about tbh. I spent a day at the weekend for the trial thing, and arranged time off work for last week's practice, and last night's practice. I also feel she is messing the coaches about and the squad about.

I have to reiterate that I did not drive this - I knew nothing about these trials or in fact this or any other netball club. DD sent me all the details and asked me to take her.

[MrsDavidBowie]

I would love to know how you "force" a 15 year old how to go to training!

Ds 14 is similar..excels at sport but refuses to play golf/cricket again as he thinks he's not good enough. He is...he just suffers from a lack of confidence. I have no problem with that as he captains a football Sunday league side and loves it.....he may come back to golf later.

[Wuldric]

The club and affiliation fees were over £200. The kit (and I bought the bare minimum) cost £80. The netball post cost over £100. I didn't feel that I had an option with any part of the costs and I pared down what I could. How is that bonkers?

[MammaTJ]

You didn't force her to go to the trial, it cost you £400.

I'm sorry, but with this drip feed new information, I would be making damn sure she goes and sticks to it, whether 'she'd really rather just 'slob out' and she cannot be bothered with training or in fact ever going again'.

In fact, slobbing out time would very much be replaced by housework for the foreseeable future. Slobbing out would not be an option! I would be the one putting my feet up while she did everything around the house!

Harsh-yes, effective-probably.

[carabos]

DH is a sports coach. He has a pupil who is ok at the sport, but mad keen - her keen-ness far outstrips her ability at it. She is massively committed and heavily invested in it but has no real prospect of notable success.

This pupil had a boyfriend who was into a different sport, and in the way of young women in love, she took up his sport so they could do it together (while still keeping up her favourite sport).

She was so good at the new sport that a national coach came to see her and had a session with her in which she, with no training or input, recorded an Olympic qualifying standard. Needless to say, the new sport fell over themselves to get her into their programme. She was offered lottery support, personal coaching, fitness, diet the lot.

She wasn't interested. She dropped the sport when she dropped the boyfriend and continues plugging away at her first loved sport to this day.

Sporting success depends on much much more than talent. Without the desire, the rest is a waste of time.

[AmberLeaf]

I personally wouldn't invest money like that in a child that has consistently shown they are not interested, even of at that time it looked like they were.

They would have to prove they really were committed before I spent that money.

[cory]

How do you know she doesn't have some other talent that would be squandered if she made a serious commitment to sport?

My mother always thought it was such a pity that I didn't make something of my (modest) musical talent. But if I had I would have been stuck spending hours every day doing something I didn't tbh enjoy all that much- and the other talent I turned out to have would have remained undeveloped.

If your dd has a serious talent and were to take it up, she would need to keep up the kind of commitment expected by the most dedicated and passionate people in the world. This is not the same as playing netball on a wet afternoon: to enter this kind of environment she would have to be prepared to sacrifice every other interest to her sport.

As you put it yourself: "some of these girls have been training intensively since the age of 10. By 15 they are hardened veterans. They have calves that are as big, hard and muscled as tree-trunks"

Don't for a moment imagine that they would expect any less of your dd once she was in. If she has extraordinary talent, they would expect her to do an extraordinary amount of work. And that would be work she would not be putting into her studies.

To do sport, or drama, or music, or dancing, on a level to keep up with the seriously talented, you need almost total commitment:

you need to put all other hobbies and interests away

you need to tuck your social life away in a drawer

you need to work until you cry with pain and then stagger up the next morning, still crying with pain, and start again because it's all that matters to you in life

you need to be prepared to put everything else (including academic results) in second place

you need to demand of your family that they, too, make this their top priority and that everything else has to give to make sure you get to training sessions, extra training sessions, matches, regional competitions etc on time

I am beginning to accept that this is the kind of commitment that my dd has to drama and that in her life everything else is going to have to take second place because it is all that matters to her. But I would never dream of asking it of her if she only had the talent and not the passion.

When your dd applies to university, they won't be interested in whether she has represented her county at an unrelated activity or just thrown a ball around in the park. All they will want to know (apart from exam results) is whether she has shown passion for the subject she is applying to study.

If she applies to read English, they'll want evidence that she reads extensively and can discuss books, if she wants to study medicine they will want to see evidence of e.g. volunteering in caring jobs. There is nothing that looks worse in an admissions interview than a student who manages to convey the impression that "I'm only applying because I have to do something academic but really all my interests lie somewhere else".

As for life enrichment, that will only apply if she actually thinks the commitment is worth it. My dd doesn't care about whether drama will make her rich or look good on her CV because she loves it enough to take risks for it. That is enrichment. Spending hours every day on something you are not particularly fussed about because other people tell you you should doesn't sound terribly enriching to me.

My mother spent a lot of time making me try different instruments because I had some basic talent and she wanted my life enriched. What she missed was the fact that there are many ways of enrichment and I had other talents and interests that could have been developed in that time instead. She sees the missed opportunities in that I didn't pursue music. I see the missed opportunities in that I could have spent those practising sessions developing my real interest in reading or wildlife watching instead.

[Wishihadabs]

£400 !? Sorry but if she was mine she'd be going or spending those hours earning the money back doing menial work (yes I am that harsh) minimum wage at 15 £4 p/h so 100 hours labour. That is a better life lesson than allowing her to slob out. Employers are suggesting that young people have a poor work ethic and TBH allowing your dd to slob out because she doesn't feel like going to netball practice will engender such attitudes.

[cory]

Had you discussed with her the kind of commitment required before you spent those £400? Did you ever sit down and say to her: "this is a very serious decision that will change the whole of your daily life: are you sure you are ready for this?" Did you point out that once the money had been paid, you would expect her to commit? Did you discuss with her how far you would expect that commitment to go/at what point you would be happy for her to withdraw? Did you discuss with her how your family life would be arranged to accommodate for this new level of commitment? Did you discuss how it would affect her studies?

Or were you so enthusiastic yourself that you thought once she had passed she wouldn't be able to stop herself and everything would just work out?

Speaking as someone who has had all those discussions and expects to be having them for a few years yet.

[Distrustinggirlnow]

Blimey OP, with that sort of money involved I'd be annoyed too.

I think she might be taking the piss a bit actually, just wanting to 'see' if she was good enough. Yes she was but now she says, nah can't be bothered. I know you say academically she's bright, but its still not really a good attitude is it. Especially as you've spent so much and she hasn't even given it a try.

My DD does a sport at county level and sometimes there's a long face when I say come on, time for training.....

Participating in a sport teaches you all sorts of life skills, team work, commitment etc. when she gets a uni place or a job it won't be acceptable to say, nah, not today then, will it..?

I'm sure you know all this which is why you posted. IMO YANBU in fact your dd IBU expecting you to pick up and drop your support of her, as it suits her.

I hope she went in the end... If she did, once she's been a few times, made some new friends, won a few matches and received glowing reviews, she will love it

[exoticfruits]

I can't think why anyone would spend out £400 up front without very serious discussions. I agree with all Cory's points.
I think that you had been waiting years for her to do something like that and when she did you were absolutely overjoyed and went all out. You didn't wait for common sense to set in. Why would it suddenly be different this time? Did she realise the commitment? Did she want you to spend that sort of money? Did she want to drop all other sports in favour of it? Did she want to do all that training?
It comes over in your OP that you were thrilled she wasn't 'pootling' and went to the top. You were then blown out of your mind that she was so good. If you were my mother the danger signs were there- time to pull out quick! I wouldn't want to be living up to those sorts of expectations. I would rather play netball for fun.
I am rather reeling from the fact that posters think you can force a 15 yr old to play a sport at top level if they don't want to!

[exoticfruits]

Ask her to pay back the money- if I was the DD I would much prefer it as an option than have it hanging over me-'we spent £400 and you were ungrateful'.

[exoticfruits]

It will take time but she could do it.