To be disappointed with/for my DD?

[Wuldric]

DD (15) is super sporty. Throughout her school career she has played the major school sports (hockey, netball and tennis). She does very well at school level and is in fact captain of all three teams. She is a pretty nifty swimmer too.

Her PE teachers from age 6 onwards have tried to encourage her to join clubs to pursue these sports slightly more seriously. DD has flatly, but flatly refused to go to them all. 'Mum, I don't want to get up at 5am to go to a pool.' 'Mum, I cannot be arsed with going to a hockey club and having to be all jolly hockey sticks'. 'Mum, I don't want to go to netball trials, I'd rather watch TV.'

If you are an over eager and enthusiastic type of parent, wanting to encourage all latent potential, this attitude of DD's has been pretty incomprehensible. Until last week, when she decided to go to netball trials. She chose the premier club in the area, with lots of England players and players in something called a Superleague. Not the friendly pootling club close by. So this was a bit of a huge step. Also, go figure, some of these girls have been training intensively since the age of 10. By 15 they are hardened veterans. They have calves that are as big, hard and muscled as tree-trunks. I gulp, try to be enthusiastic and supportive, and take her to the trials. There are 60 girls all experienced netballers, aiming for 12 or 13 places.

She aces these flipping trials. She is a shooter and every shot went in, from every angle, under pressure from vastly more experienced defenders. She works her third of the court tirelessly as well. So she gets a place. The coach comes across and tells me she cannot believe in DD's talent and that DD is the most exciting prospect she has seen for years.

The training is tonight. I arrange time off work to take her to the training (it is too complicated and difficult to go on public transport). I get home in time and she announces that she'd really rather just 'slob out' and she cannot be bothered with training or in fact ever going again.

I am gutted for DD. I kind of feel that she has all this talent, but that she is just letting it all go to waste. Why would you just ... not bother?

Sorry this is a bit epic and reading it back it sounds like stealth boasting. It isn't it is just genuine - why would she just not bother. Have we not found the right sport for her?

[Wuldric]

Of course you are right SM :) Maybe she is right. I don't know.

But still, she hasn't really ever got in to any sport. She did go to the tennis club for a number of years, because frankly that is what you have to do in the UK to learn how to play, but refused to play any tournaments. She cannot be bothered with hockey, or swimming or netball. So frankly, she just cannot be bothered.

I don't understand why though. She could easily have a couple of 'represented the county at ...' on her CV. She does bother with her academic work so maybe I should as a parent be counting my blessings.

[marriedinwhiteisback]

Does she stick at anything?

[Wuldric]

Aye - there's the rub. She has in fairness stuck to her school sports. She sticks like glue to her favourite subjects in school (English, History, Art and ICT). She sticks to her friends like glue as well.

Anything else - not so much.

[bundaberg]

so why can't you accept that she just doesn't want to do it?

[Wuldric]

I don't know - I think I am getting mixed messages here.

I have always been in awe of her talent at all sports, and slightly mystified by the fact that she never really wanted to take any of them further. But she was the one who decided to play these trials, she was the one setting the pace (which I had obviously supported) and now all of a sudden, she cba??? She was starry-eyed when she got in ahead of so many able girls.

I feel that she would have gone had her friend got in to the squad. So maybe this is something to do with confidence as well as a fundamental lack of drive.

[Idespair]

Yes, I would be disappointed for her as well under these circumstances. Seems a real shame for her not to do something she is good at and enjoys. Not sure how you could make her - pay her to go to the first 2 sessions and then allow her to quit if she wants?

[flyingspaghettimonster]

I completely agree with fiedlfare - if she went to try outs and accepted the place, she new is committed to trying out the club. What does she learn by being allowed to give up without trying? that it is acceptable to waste people's time and miss opportunities. my child would be going for at least a few weeks - because she asked to do the try out and she accepted the place in the club. it is about responsibility and important, nothing to do with talent or living vicariously through her.

[InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream]

It doesn't matter if she is talented. Successful sportspeople have tremendous drive and they LOVE their sports. It's frustrating but you can't force her. She has to want it more than anything. She doesn't.

[PomBearWithAnOFRS]

What InSpace said.
It's her life, and no matter how much you might want her to do something, if she doesn't want to, you can't make her. Yes, she may regret it later, but that will be her "cross to bear" so to speak.

[pootlebug]

If she captains the school team it does sound as though she likes the sport itself. Sounds like the social side might be what is putting her off, after her friend didn't get in....worried about not knowing anyone etc.

Given where she's got to I'd be saying she has to turn up 3 times....if she doesn't like it after that, she can stop. But after you've taken time off etc too....she has to give it a go.

[missinglalaland]

I'd be tempted to push her a bit more. Perhaps a lot easier said than done! After going to the trails, and letting you take time off work, I'd demand that she get up off the sofa and go, at least that night. I'd try making a deal, say try it for 6 weeks and then she can quit if she doesnt like it.

I don't have teenagers yet, so this may be much easier said than done.

My view would be that she needs to see her commitment through. Secretly, I would think she is shy and intimidated, but the only way I know to get through that is to power through. Just go do it, and before you know it, you are feeling at ease.

[intitgrand]

she doesnt want to .it is that simple. I am a music teacher and my husband is a sports coach.there are many many times more kids with the talent to excel than those who actually do. Finding kids with the diligence to develop that talent is the much rarer thing

[nancy75]

I work in a sport provider, please dont force her to do it. if she is going to be a sports person she needs to really want it. we have kids her age that train every day of the week, it is all they are interested in, we have others that play once a week, never compete just have a nice time and then go home, and is O.K. Not everything she does needs to be highly competitive, just let her have fun. She might be the most talented netball player in the land but if she doesn't want to do it then what is the point?

[5Foot5]

She sticks like glue to her favourite subjects in school

If it comes to a choice between commitment to a sport or commitment to her academic subjects then personally I would be relieved she has made the choices she has.

[AmberLeaf]

Did she go to the netball trial because everyone is pressuring her to do something on that scale?

[Mehrida]

I coach district hockey. We just made our final squad cut. We didn't take any players who weren't 100% into it and enthusiastic. Those are the kids who have a chance of making it. Not the ones whose parents forced them to go.

On another note. Those three school sports must take up a lot of time as it is. Would she give up one to concentrate on another? If not then she would struggle to make top level anyway.

Frustrating as it is, often the more these kids are pushed, the more they back away.

[Wuldric]

But the thing is, I absolutely didn't force DD to go to this trial.

She found out what the best club was, when the trial was, and sent me the information to enter her.

I did enter her and sort her out all the stuff that she needed, after she made the commitment to go to the squad.

I admit to my frustration etc but really I did not ask her to do this or make her do this in any way. I just supported what I thought was her ambition ...

[Balaboosta]

She is afraid of her talent. It comes with pressure attached. Not only from you but from herself. And from the world at large. You're going to need to unpick this or it's possibly going to hold her back in other ways. I'd look for sone professional advice.
Meanwhile I feel for you. This must be very tantalising and frustrating! I think youre going to need to delve.

[stemstitch]

This is going to sound rude, and I don't mean it to be, but it's not like netball is ever going to do THAT MUCH for her. On the slim chance that she became a professional sportswoman, the job is wracked with problems, not least the fact that it's very hard and you can only do it for a limited time. She's captain of the teams, that can go on the UCAS form or whatever (although frankly I think that is overrated - I never played a single sport at school or uni and had no problems getting into uni/a graduate job).

So it doesn't really matter, in the long term, whether she does it or not. The only point in doing it would be for enjoyment.

I think it's fine to be pushy if you're pushing your child to do things that will actually have a positive impact on their adult lives, like getting good grades. But sport is pretty pointless, except for exercise and enjoyment.

[Canthisonebeused]

I think she has done this to prove a point to you...yes I'm talented, look mum I can do it,....it's just not what I want to do!!!

I would stop pushing her, she doesn't have the drive or commitment, she enjoys the school stuff leave it there because if she doesn't have the determination to make it no efforts from you will bring her success in something she doesn't want.

[kmc1111]

Maybe she's just not interested in taking it any further. Sports can take up a huge amount of time, you have to really be into it to commit.

I was great at tennis as a teenager, but I didn't enjoy playing competitively or the training. I could have racked up a bunch of juniors titles, but really, that's hardly a golden ticket. I was good, but I wasn't future winner of Wimbledon good, so I was far better off focusing on the academic stuff and playing for fun at school and with friends.

Every so often I'd dip my toe back in the water just to see if I was still any good, and to check I still wasn't interested pursuing it. Sounds like this is what your daughter was doing. Or perhaps her friend was the one pushing for them to try out.

She plays and enjoys sport as school, she's captain of her team, she works hard on the academic stuff, just leave her to it. As far as CV's and uni applications go, it's really not important. Volunteer work would be a far better option if you're looking for something to give her an edge.

[whois]

I would have 'encouraged' (forced) her to go today. You can't just not turn up to something once you've been to trials and made a commitment. I would have wanted her to tell the coach herself she want coming back face to face.

Just not turning up is cowardly and lazy.

It's obviously not right to force someone to do something long term, that's a sure fire way to turn a passion into a chore. But she really should have gone today.

[whois]

I think it's fine to be pushy if you're pushing your child to do things that will actually have a positive impact on their adult lives, like getting good grades. But sport is pretty pointless, except for exercise and enjoyment

Right. So the only important thing in life is good grades, or a sport/ talent that can make you rich? What a horrible way to look at things.

I love sport. I played city and county level at school but wasn't one of those amazing girls. Didnt really play at uni as i wasn't 'that' good and I was more interested in going out.

Now I play team sports in two leagues twice a week. It's a huge enrichment to my life. Exercise, coordination, social aspect, fun. After a full day playing with spreadsheets a run around in the fresh air helps clear my head.

[snowqu33n]

Are you sure she didn't just go to the trial because her friend asked her to go along as support?

[treadheavily]

I would feel deeply frustrated. Tbh I would make her go, and to the next two sessions, too. Then, if she still didn't want to go, I'd let her give it up.

Two issues: one is her talent which, sadly, is hers to squander
The other is commitment. She has to follow through with arrangements she has agreed to.