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AIBU?

AIBU to be upset by DH's comments and behaviour?

95 replies

teaandcakesagoodmummakes · 26/08/2013 17:26

Have had a rubbish weekend, been alone with two DC aged 3 and 5 all day Saturday and Sunday due to DH moving his campervan and going to a car show with my Dad. Today I planned an afternoon if bowling ( Groupon offer that was almost expired) for us all. We went and kids aren't the best behaved, wouldn't sit down, kept getting up off their seats and being a little excited, I had a word with them and they improved slightly, I understood it to be that they
hadn't been out all weekend and were excited to be spending time with Daddy.

Anyway, DH was getting increasingly annoyed with them and shouted at me that it was my fault they went be having as I've failed to discipline them and they don't listen. I'm a SAHM and at the end of my tether as it is, I try so hard to be the parent I can, lots of positivity, boundaries, consistency etc. I'm feeling tired and burnt out after a long summer holiday and next to no support from him. DS pull up leaked while we were there, he had already used his spare change of clothes. DH said to me ' where are these pull ups from' to which I replied "Tesco I think", he said " you don't even know! We're going, his piss wet through and you can't be assed to sort it out'. On they way home all he was saying was how rubbish a job I was doing, how he need to take time off work to sort them out. Just feel so upset as I need support not to be criticised. I sai this and he said I'll support you by taking time off work and sorting it out. My DD sucks her hair, it's a habit we're trying to stop, he turned round to her and said he was going to cut it all off if she didn't stop it. That was it for me I said how dare he upset her and ruin our day out, he said this is exactly why they are the way they are. Sorry if I'm not giving enough details I'm just exhausted by it all, feel a failure and have no one really to talk to about it.

OP posts:

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JamieandtheMagicTorch · 27/08/2013 07:22

I think the idea of him spending time with other people's children is a also a good one. He'll get to see a range of other children's behaviour

BlackMogul · 27/08/2013 07:32

Teaandcakes. Our children are 18 and 21. I gave up work after 2nd was born and I enjoyed the children most of the time. What I found hard was that all my efforts are, apparently, worthless compared to his efforts at work. I had a well paid part time job but he absolutely refused to help out if my childcare arrangements went wrong or one of the children was ill. I was expected to do all the parenting. I still do now. All their guidance has been done by me although they learned early on that he was a soft touch because he set no boundaries and was nearly always going to disagree with me. Interestingly they tend to ignore him now unless they want something. Stand your ground and do it your way. Men don't change by the way. If they start off as poor parents they do not seem to learn as they go along and always have an excuse as to why they cannot engage, take the children out, play with them or teach them anything etc.

theboutiquemummy · 27/08/2013 07:40

Black it's never to late just wanted to say that

teaandcakesagoodmummakes · 27/08/2013 07:59

He does spend time with other family and friends children, surprisingly he is great with kids. Very engaging, funny and sensitive to their needs. Just annoys me that he doesn't act like that with our kids at home unless he's in the mood. Everyone always says to me how great he is and am lucky I am . It's all a show though, I think he is brill with them I'm shirt doses but the monotony of being there every day drives him mad and he becomes unmotivated. I know it's in him to change, he wasn't always this way or I wouldn't have settled down with him, he is normally a caring guy but does have a temper and flies off the handle easily, which to be fair I can do too. Black Mogul, at your stage in life with your children grown up I would think about yourself and what you want got yhe rest of your life. I know it's easier said than done though.

OP posts:

Notonaschoolnight · 27/08/2013 08:04

Black mogul and OP I have already posted on another thread about having a really bad weekend in Manchester with kids and oh. I was mainly talking about the kids behaviour but if I'm honest my oh was no different, the only difference between you and I black mogul is the years you've done im only 16 years in and I admit this is the worst year yet as the children now have minds of their own and aren't afraid to use them even if that means my child with DS will behave dreadfully

My OH life consists of going out to work 12h a day (only gets paid for 8.5 but is a manager) get home between 7.30 and 8 goes mental if teas not been made, gives the kids 5min attention then goes running/ sits on his phone all night

At the weekend hell run in the morning then go drinking with his friends go to the football and on Sun hell lie on settee watching football

Same as black mogul I earn £100/week compared to his £56k so "I no idea and only work part time" etc etc

Since coming off the pill I've suffered terrible PMT for half the month for months now, I need to get that sorted to see if I can cope better with how things are and will always be but if that doesn't help I don't know what to do as I have no family or friends where we live as we live in his hometown , but there again I don't get on with my own family that well either

Tiredemma · 27/08/2013 08:13

Where do these men get their ideas from?

Lord above- they are awful

marriedinwhiteisback · 27/08/2013 08:32

I had to work on mine and have facilitated the ludicrous hours at work and many many years ago did announce one Saturday morning that I Was having a day out and the dc were doing x, y, z and the part presents were on the table. I didn't have a very nice day tbh but it gave him a little wake up call. He got a lot better as they got bigger to be fair. I had to work on getting him to do stuff with them/us as a family and buying them the odd treat because he had never seen his father do that - but I worked on it rather than blamed him.

I went back to work when the DC were about 5 and 8, part time then full time (with proper childcare) and did prof quals then an MBA and he supported that, taking them out at weekends when I was working. But it did involve a bit of putting my foot down and he's still inclined to complain about the state of the house (it isn't a state) but I just tell him if he wnts it perfect I'll give up work and he can pay me an allowance. He knows I won't but would probably quite like it. It is important for women to work and to retain some independence, their own coins in their pocket.

He got better with the DC as they got older and although he can be difficult I wouldn't have had the last 25 years any different but I think the OP needs to set her boundaries, maintain her self esteem and get back to work at some stage. Part of that, from day one, also needs to involve a cleaner as part of the deal.

Have rambled on a bit but I think you can work together to make thiings work if there are more pluses than minuses and providing there is no abuse.

Damnautocorrect · 27/08/2013 08:36

It sounds like your children are behaving as they should for their age. Of course they'll be excited they are little and somewhere exciting! Shouting is not going to help, he's being a dick.
For about a year trying to get my oh's expectations on behaviour down, he often asks ds 'why did you do that' and I'll jump in 'because he's 3'. So now he's more relaxed, lets things go easier and enables ds to be '3', and will make more allowances for extra run round time or concentration breaks.

I think when they aren't there constantly, normal 3/4/5 behaviour can seem naughty and defiant,but they have short attentions and life is one adventure. But when your with them all the time you know the difference between naughty and normal happy bouncy toddler.

teaandcakesagoodmummakes · 27/08/2013 08:47

Thing is the kids adore their Daddy and our house is sometimes full of laughter and everyone is happy. I am going to give it all I have to keep us together and hope that next year when I'm earning it will lighten the load, and both kids will best school and a bit older it may be less wearing. He did say he didn't feel appreciated for supporting us all for nearly 6 years, keeping house, paying all bills etc. I said I do appreciate it but he has to appreciate I've given up my financial independence and had a tough few years at home. He just argues that at least I can be home and u must get more time to myself than he does when they at soft play and apparently I have 30 minutes to have a coffee in peace, yeah right!

Speaking to friends, I know these competitive arguments are quite common when you have young DC, not excusing his behaviour yesterday though. I still feel belittled and part of me thinks he may continue with this he does more even when I am working part time and still doing all what I do now.

OP posts:

teaandcakesagoodmummakes · 27/08/2013 08:52

Damn auto correct, you are so right, and I pointed out to him that I know them better and how to handle them, he see's it as giving in to them if I allow them some leway. I just know which battles are not worth fighting and when to just ignore certain behaviours rather than rewarding them with attention for it. As I'm not actively telling them off, he see's me a lazy parent. I have tried to explain my reasoning and strategies to him but he's very black and white and doesn't see my way of thinking at all.

OP posts:

RenterNomad · 27/08/2013 09:21

I know what you mean about the leeway thing. DS ran off recently, in a big park/attached garden centre sort of place, and when he reappeared, I stifled my first urge to shout at him for running off, and cuddled him instead to say we were worried, and he just melted into me and apologised, rather than shouting and becoming defensive about running away.

I was really shocked at the difference in reaction, but I don't think I would have tried the sweeter response had it not been for information sharing on MN and taking on board what MN and RL parents say and do.

Sigma · 27/08/2013 10:25

Would he consider going to couples counselling? He seems like the type that needs to be told how valuable you are by a third party

teaandcakesagoodmummakes · 27/08/2013 14:13

I may suggest counselling, it may help. I've heard of relate, would I just phone them? He has been on anti depressants for depression ( as am I) but recently come off them over the past few months, and I think this has triggered a lot of his behaviour, I've asked him to book a doctors appointment to discuss it.

OP posts:

notanyanymore · 27/08/2013 14:17

He was annoyed they weren't sitting still and being quiet at a bowling alley? A BOWLING ALLEY?! How ridiculous! And who really cares if your DD sucks her hair? He sounds like a grade A TWUNT with ridiculous expectations.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 27/08/2013 14:34

teaandcakes

Yes, definitely talk to him about the depression and aside from/as well as the anti-depressents stress management and other things he can do so he's not lashing out in an irritable way.

For some reason, depression in some men seems to present as anger, maybe because society sanctions that? But that's another topic....

GruffBillyGoat · 27/08/2013 14:51

"I know from experience he would say all people on mumsnet are man haters anyway hmm"

He can shove that excuse where the sun don't shine, my partner (male, for some reason when I say partner IRL most people assume I am a lesbian) thinks he is being a prick. And he should know, he is guilty of very similar behaviour, takes one to know one and all that.

bellablot · 27/08/2013 15:01

Sounds like he could be stressed, men deal with issues they have very differently to women, he could be bottling a lot of things up and trying to work things through, unfortunately, you and the kids are in the firing line. Just ask him, as nicely and considerate as possible, what is going on.

airyfairy1978 · 27/08/2013 15:19

YANBU
To balance the argument up a bit though, after having DD I went back to work and DH was SAHD. At that time I had unreal expectations about raising toddlers, like your DH! When I came home I just wanted everything to be Rosy and lovely. Of course it wasn't and like your DH I thought I could do better. I'm now SAHM with Ds and cringe at my previous behaviour.
Swapping roles helped us to appreciate the difficulties on both sides of the field
Good luck

airyfairy1978 · 27/08/2013 15:26

YANBU
To balance the argument up a bit though, after having DD I went back to work and DH was SAHD. At that time I had unreal expectations about raising toddlers, like your DH! When I came home I just wanted everything to be Rosy and lovely. Of course it wasn't and like your DH I thought I could do better. I'm now SAHM with Ds and cringe at my previous behaviour.
Swapping roles helped us to appreciate the difficulties on both sides of the field
Good luck

airyfairy1978 · 27/08/2013 15:29

And I might add that stress and depression (me) played a starring role in my circumstances too.

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