AIBU to be upset by DH's comments and behaviour?

[teaandcakesagoodmummakes]

Have had a rubbish weekend, been alone with two DC aged 3 and 5 all day Saturday and Sunday due to DH moving his campervan and going to a car show with my Dad. Today I planned an afternoon if bowling ( Groupon offer that was almost expired) for us all. We went and kids aren't the best behaved, wouldn't sit down, kept getting up off their seats and being a little excited, I had a word with them and they improved slightly, I understood it to be that they
hadn't been out all weekend and were excited to be spending time with Daddy.

Anyway, DH was getting increasingly annoyed with them and shouted at me that it was my fault they went be having as I've failed to discipline them and they don't listen. I'm a SAHM and at the end of my tether as it is, I try so hard to be the parent I can, lots of positivity, boundaries, consistency etc. I'm feeling tired and burnt out after a long summer holiday and next to no support from him. DS pull up leaked while we were there, he had already used his spare change of clothes. DH said to me ' where are these pull ups from' to which I replied "Tesco I think", he said " you don't even know! We're going, his piss wet through and you can't be assed to sort it out'. On they way home all he was saying was how rubbish a job I was doing, how he need to take time off work to sort them out. Just feel so upset as I need support not to be criticised. I sai this and he said I'll support you by taking time off work and sorting it out. My DD sucks her hair, it's a habit we're trying to stop, he turned round to her and said he was going to cut it all off if she didn't stop it. That was it for me I said how dare he upset her and ruin our day out, he said this is exactly why they are the way they are. Sorry if I'm not giving enough details I'm just exhausted by it all, feel a failure and have no one really to talk to about it.

[Groovee]

You're doing a fab job, it's him who isn't. Tell him he's having them the whole weekend and bugger off to a friend or close family member who will ply you with all your favourite goodies and give you a good break. He may start to understand what life is like when he has all day with 2 children and realise just how much you do parenting and running a house.

[MissStrawberry]

Stop cooking and washing for him or clearing up his stuff. Let him realise how much you do. Prat.

[PeaceAndHope]

YADNBU.

Please stop feeling like a failure! If anyone is the failure, it's your DH :(

He isn't being a good husband because he is chauvinistic, unhelpful and unsupportive. He isn't a good father because he seems to think that simply because he isn't the SAHP he has no responsibility for his children's behaviour and no obligation to contribute to their upbringing.

Being the breadwinner is not an excuse to be abdicated of parental responsibility. They are his kids and he should be helping you out with them, especially since he is so quick to criticise the way you're handling it.

In your place I'd spell things out a bit brutally for him. Tell him that you're doing the best you can and that if he isn't happy, then he needs to get off his arse and be a more involved dad and husband.

[teaandcakesagoodmummakes]

He didn't spend sat, just moved his van from one place to another and worked on it ( he needed to move it and is restoring it so we can use it as a family camper ). He only spent 5 pound on Sunday too. I spent the same sat night. Thanks for all your support. I feel I am better of without him right now. We are recently married and this behaviour has been in the lady six months ( been married 9 months). He doesn't do a lot with them outside the house, if we honour its usually as a family or he takes one or the other. He does have them both on odd occasions at home and copes. He knows they are a handful but surely that's just young kids?

[Nanny0gg]

Um. Parenting them isn't just your job it's his as well and what he said both to you and the DCs is appalling.

And my DGC wasn't dry until just past 3. It's perfectly normal (which your idiot H would know if he knew anything about children).

[pianodoodle]

Grrr...on your behalf!

We took our 2 year old out today (have just stopped for chips as we're knackered) and she had quite a few "moments" because of the heat and wanting to run off in every direction. It happens! It wasn't my fault or DH's - she's little!

If we forget something like a spare outfit then "we" forgot it not "me"! I'm a SAHM too but when we go out as a family it isn't just my job to organise and I wouldn't take kindly for being automatically blamed for every upset or missing item!

I agree you should go away and leave him to it for a week!

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

Your DH is behaving like an arse. You are the only one to decide if he is one, but if my DH spoke to me like that I'd be considering our future

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

It does not sound as if he a clue about parenting.

[Sparklysilversequins]

Yes that IS just young kids. So you've been married for 9 months, and this abusive behaviour started only three months after you married? How predictable, loads of men start this kind of crap after marriage.

The only way with a man like this is not to buy into it, don't let him think he can push you about. He's being a dick and you and everyone on here knows it.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

3 is not late.

[teaandcakesagoodmummakes]

I just don't know where to go from here. He always seems to turn it round so I have done something wrong. He does parent them in the way he talks to them, disciplines them and we usually present a united front. I know deep down he is a good dad but maybe he is too stressed and we are not getting on and he can't be the parent he wants to be. I just don't know. I hate that it has come to this.

[LadyClariceCannockMonty]

Just adding to the chorus, but he's being a wanker.

Also not adding anything new, but take a weekend for yourself ? stay with family or a friend or something ? and let him see how well he copes. Come home and throw your weight about and criticise him for not knowing where the pull-ups come from and see how he likes it!

You sound as though you're doing a very good job with zero support.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

He talks to you like dirt in front of them and he threatens to cut a small girl's hair off.

Stress schmess

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

I like this from NapaCab:

"I always say to my DH that when you are a SAHP, the childcare etc is your job so any criticism made is the same as me coming into his office and picking over his work, questioning how he handles his staff, correcting his spelling in e-mails (DH has terrible spelling) and generally making him feel undermined and worthless. He has got the message now and treads very carefully in what he says about DS or household stuff"

[SmiteYouWithThunderbolts]

I always say to my DH that when you are a SAHP, the childcare etc is your job so any criticism made is the same as me coming into his office and picking over his work, questioning how he handles his staff, correcting his spelling in e-mails (DH has terrible spelling) and generally making him feel undermined and worthless. He has got the message now and treads very carefully in what he says about DS or household stuff

Yes, this. How dare he speak to you like that? What an absolute shit. Tell him he is MORE than welcome to experience a week in your world and see just how easy he finds it to balance everything.

[mistlethrush]

I second (sixth / seventh) a weekend away next weekend - and make sure that there's insufficient food available too. When you get back on Sunday evening, complain about the state of the house, the lack of anything in the fridge and the fact that he's not managed to do anything constructive with them....

[teaandcakesagoodmummakes]

I know I'm not perfect and can be moody with him if I've had a bad day but I'm never allowed to be ill or tired, he's always tireder or feeling worse. He says I don't have the stress if paying all the mortgage and bills etc but I do, I cut costs where I can, don't overspend and we mutually agreed I would stay at home till youngest at school, ( I have worked part time in between and whilst pregnant) and am working towards being employed next year. We can manage on one wage, have one manageable loan and no other debt. I'm rambling now, just thinking I should go downstairs and talk to him as kids are both asleep now in bed as they were overtired, but really don't want a confrontation

[MortifiedAdams]

You might not have the stress dorectly from paying the bills but you ARE raising the future generation.

Ill be damned if anyon le dared belittle that!

[Seenenoughtoknow]

Crikey - did I just read that you are apparently a crap parent just because your young children don't sit still like stepford children and that it was your fault that a pull-up leaked??!!

It suggests to me that your husband is a little detached from real life.

[teaandcakesagoodmummakes]

That's right, and apparently it's my fault as I should have withheld a drink when he said he was thirsty.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

The competitive tiredness is a very familiar one in people with young families. We used to get into that a bit. But A agree with farewell, above.

He simply can't continue talking to you like that and expect your support.

[teaandcakesagoodmummakes]

We've had chats before about this and he does admit he's being an ass and he's sorry, but then a month later he's doing it again.

[Seenenoughtoknow]

Unbelievable.

I would follow the advice up-thread with regard to the cold as ice response. If possible you need to get him to see that non-helpful and demoralising criticism is actually abusive. If all else fails tell him you were so hurt you consulted mumsnet for advice and show him this thread.

[teaandcakesagoodmummakes]

I know from experience he would say all people on mumsnet are man haters anyway . Thanks for all advice. I have a lot of thinking to do, but at least I feel I am being reasonable in feeling this way