AIBU to be upset by DH's comments and behaviour?

[teaandcakesagoodmummakes]

Have had a rubbish weekend, been alone with two DC aged 3 and 5 all day Saturday and Sunday due to DH moving his campervan and going to a car show with my Dad. Today I planned an afternoon if bowling ( Groupon offer that was almost expired) for us all. We went and kids aren't the best behaved, wouldn't sit down, kept getting up off their seats and being a little excited, I had a word with them and they improved slightly, I understood it to be that they
hadn't been out all weekend and were excited to be spending time with Daddy.

Anyway, DH was getting increasingly annoyed with them and shouted at me that it was my fault they went be having as I've failed to discipline them and they don't listen. I'm a SAHM and at the end of my tether as it is, I try so hard to be the parent I can, lots of positivity, boundaries, consistency etc. I'm feeling tired and burnt out after a long summer holiday and next to no support from him. DS pull up leaked while we were there, he had already used his spare change of clothes. DH said to me ' where are these pull ups from' to which I replied "Tesco I think", he said " you don't even know! We're going, his piss wet through and you can't be assed to sort it out'. On they way home all he was saying was how rubbish a job I was doing, how he need to take time off work to sort them out. Just feel so upset as I need support not to be criticised. I sai this and he said I'll support you by taking time off work and sorting it out. My DD sucks her hair, it's a habit we're trying to stop, he turned round to her and said he was going to cut it all off if she didn't stop it. That was it for me I said how dare he upset her and ruin our day out, he said this is exactly why they are the way they are. Sorry if I'm not giving enough details I'm just exhausted by it all, feel a failure and have no one really to talk to about it.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

Oookay

I think that tells us bit more about the kind of defensive man he is

[wordfactory]

It sounds to me Op that he is very stressed with being the sole bread winner.

I can understand that. I would hate that.

However, that does not mean he should react like this. Especially as he knows you intend to rejoin the workplace in a year's time. He needs to exercise some restraint and patience.

That said, OP

[teaandcakesagoodmummakes]

Word factory, you prob have hit the nail on the head with him being stressed. However I am waning in sympathy a little as his dad recently have him 3k as he sold his house. He spent the whole amount on a shell of a campervan to do up, he's alway's wanted one and said how it would benefit us all with family holidays. I was of the opinion it was a gift from his dad and his to spend as he wished. However, as he is moaning about our loan so much maybe it would have been better spent clearing it.

[redexpat]

We don't hate men. We hate wankbadgers like him who are abusive and lazy and think that being financially rewarded for their work means that they can do as they like and that their female partners should do everything else including total responsibility for child rearing.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

Toddlers are allowed to take out their stress on their mums. Grown men are not allowed to do the same to their wives. Not in this way

IMO

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

And I have experience of a stressed DH who hated his job when we had young children and I was a SAHM

[wordfactory]

I hear you OP. If it were me I'd sit down with him and talk about this. Point out that you do understand that it must be hard being the sole breadwinner, you reallly do, but his reaction is unfair and that the situation will soon be resolved.

[Earthworms]

I'm a sole earner In a partnership.

I don't treat dh like a cunt because I'm stressed at having to work. Spare clothes are responsibility of both parents. Pull ups leak. It's what they do. And you definitely don't withhold fluid in this weather just in case a nappy leaks. Dehydration, Kidney and urinary infections anyone? Yeah nobber.

[joanofarchitrave]

You don't 'sort out' children by taking a day or two off and... what? Shouting a lot? Or even being a perfect, brilliant parent and engaging your children in healthy activities, promoting self-reliance, whatever... for two days? Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. Things go wrong. Children change. They express stuff (especially if their parents are being disrespectful to each other). You have to be the best parent you can manage every day... and for most of us, wear and tear means that the best you can manage isn't perfect, any more than children can behave perfectly every day. What you do is go on being there, go on trying (fail again, fail better, just like what Beckett wrote). Children see that.

Really can't believe that he thought knowing which supermarket you'd bought some nappies in was some kind of parenting test. What is he, Dale Winton?

[RenterNomad]

Is there any chance you can get a week's work, so that your going away and leaving him to it doesn't mean you as a family lose any money, but he gets to attempt to show you how he does as a SAHP?

If a week seems impossible (recession on, etc.), maybe a weekend would work, even if it's looking after someone else's child/ren for money (e.g. wedding creche). In fact, doing your usual job for money might give you a real lift, be a big F U to your NSDH and give him the time on his own with the DC that he clearly needs.

[FunLovinBunster]

Hello OP.
Men are twats. Your DH is a man.
And also a twat.

[marriedinwhiteisback]

OP is this the sort of behaviour he witnessed between his own parents? I had to wean DH of constant carping over the house. Has taken me 25 years but no-one taught him the right way as a child.

Agree if DS is just 3 that's not too early for full potty training. Still think you wd both benefit from some counselling. September should give all of you some space.

[ohfourfoxache]

Fuck a duck, what an utter wank-stain

You are NOT a failure as a parent or otherwise, you are coping on your own whilst he pisses around essentially doing whatever he wants and taking no responsibility for children that as his.

Are you sure you want to be with him??? Has anything changed in the last few months other than getting married? What was he like before?

[BlackMogul]

Sounds like my DH. After 32 years of marriage DH (i hate that expression) tells me most days that I am a poor housewife. Apparently a lot of women are more skilled than I. Of course he did not marry one of these wonder women. He is a completely useless Dad and he has had rants at my parenting skills way worse than above and in front of other people. I may as well have been a single parent. However........I spend his money. I have never had the energy to leave but have been totally let down by the person who desperately wanted children. Unfortunately that did not extend to parenting them. Earning money is all that he considers worthy. It's a shame he did not stay single and employ a housekeeper. We would all have been a lot happier.

[ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee]

Jesus Wept - I'd MUCH rather be a lone parent than spend another second living with that sanctimonious bastard. Honest to god how do you put up with it - more importantly, WHY do you put up with it?

He'd talk to me once like that. Once.

[ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee]

BlackMogul I am sorry to hear you are in such a shit relationship as well and I hope you find the energy to leave, you will be much happier and find energy levels you didn't know you still had if you do.

[Wonderstuff]

He owes you an apology. Shouting at your spouse is not OK. Wanted to also add getting to go out for a drink after you have put the kids to bed is not really luxury me time is it? Does he do childcare at all?

I would push for him doing more childcare, even if that means working evenings or weekends - could relieve the money stress and force him to parent more actively.

A while back I was stressed and needed hard space, no money for spa or whatever, so went off to local market, on my own for a few hours, spent a couple of quid on lunch, nothing fancy. I would leave him with the kids for as long as possible next weekend.

[SquinkiesRule]

He's a horrible man. He has no right or reason to shout, place blame and belittle you like that.
You need to drop him in it. Leave for the weekend next weekend. Let him get the kids up and seen too all weekend, get back after bedtime Sunday night. Make it a weekend he has to get them somewhere dressed properly and then you get to come home and criticize him for his failings as a parent.

[teaandcakesagoodmummakes]

We spoke last night and he did apologise and said he realised he was out of order. He said he was feeling really stressed about money and finding things hard at the moment. I said I am too and it's no excuse. I have said if he speaks to me like that again that will be it. He said he wants to work things out and knows he has to change.

[teaandcakesagoodmummakes]

Black mogul, I hope you can prioritise yourself too. Money can't replace happiness. I understand though how you feel. Do you have young children too?

[theboutiquemummy]

Big hugs you are doing a great job he's got his head up his arse with regards to the reality of what children are really like how they behave and he needs to make his presence felt in more practical ways ie take over the bed time routine for you offer you some time to yourself

He may have had lots of stress but its all too easy to forget that the STAH parent also suffers

Sod the money he can take the days off n you bugger off for a bit turn your phone off n recharge your batteries

Try n be kinder to yourself please

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

Good teaand cakes

I hope he can stick to it.

His comment about women worries me though. That's a deep-seated attitude.

[pumpkinsweetie]

Fucking in hell what a nasty piece of work he sounds, i'm surprised you even wanted a day out with him.
He sounds rude & a male chauvanist.
Maybe he should get a taste of what you have to deal with day in, day out. Go on a day out and let him see for himself, he won't even last a day i bet!

[SilverApples]

He may be feeling very stressd and under pressure from work and being the sole earner. That does NOT mean he gets to take it out on you. Ever.
You are not a stress toy for him.
Your children are very young, and if he doesn't spend enough time with them, he won't realise just how unlike older children they are, and the difference between 5 and 3 and 7 and 5 is huge. More time as the only adult with them might help him understand that.
You have very little money. He could take both of them out of the house for the day and leave you at home. Let him wrangle the pair for the day and he may have a better idea of your every day.
Do you have RL friends with similar aged children, go to playgroups and the like? Do you see how similar yours are to children the same age and how it's not your fault or failure if they behave like little children?

[Lavenderhoney]

He sounds a charmer. And kids pick up on atmosphere and behave accordingly. Is he like this in front of the kids? Don't let him do that, or they might start to copy him. And 3 isn't late!

If you do go away, do not fill the fridge, clean, lay out clothes or arrange for a dm to come and help. Just pack your stuff and go. He is their dad, not a royal guest. When you get back and the place is a pigsty, do nt start cleaning and fussing round. Just slump in the chair:)

The only thing I would do is write down the bedtime routine, toys, story etc.

It might help him to read toddler taming or a version you can listen to in the car. Does he have friends who have dc the same age? Can you arrange a play date just dads whilst you and a mum go to a spa for the day? Try and find someone who parents how you do. He might realise its normal to have a day of ups and downs:)