I am BU but exactly how U am I being? And how do I get out of it once I've calmed down?

[CharityFunDay]

Long time lurker, first time poster.

I am 42 and have AS.

(Bear with me, this is lengthy).

I have lived independently since going to university, and only approach the Bank Of Mum And Dad when in dire financial straits (which, partly due to my dysalculia, is more often than I'd like).

My mother and father are divorced and remarried, and I do my best to keep them in separate compartments of my life. I love my mother to bits but have a somewhat (!) cooler relationship with my father. He was EA to me growing up and to my mother throughout their marriage which is why she eventually LTB.

I live in London. I regularly travel back to stay at my DSis's house, because I love her so.

My father volunteered to refund me my trainfare when I did so (£30 return).

Last time I was back, he blew up at me over nothing really had a go and then stormed out, delivering the parting shot: "And I'll see you next time you want something!"

That did it for me. I have spent the last few years trying to build an adult relationship with my father, but it looks like I've failed.

NOW ... in addition to this, I drink too much. Not going to say how much, but it's a lot. I'm trying to cut down (last night was my first drink in a fortnight two V+Ts). I don't think I'm addicted (never drink during the day, never suffer withdrawal if not drinking, never have blackouts etc etc) I've just become a habitual drinker. Partly due to years of self-medicating my bipolar disorder. My family, however, worry on my behalf about my alcohol intake. I take their concerns on board, which is why I'm cutting down.

Last time I stayed at my sister's about a month ago I had an accident. I was just sitting down to go for a wee, when I sharted. It happens to us all. I cleaned myself up, did my business, and thought no more of it. However, I hadn't been directly over the toilet when the event took place, with the result that a bit of poo fell on the floor. I didn't realise at the time, but my sister informed me the next morning -- I was mortified and cleaned it up at once, apologising profusely.

HOWEVER ... a couple of weeks later, my sister told my mother that I had got so drunk that I had shat on her bathroom floor. Result: One very embarrassing phonecall last Friday but one (i.e., August 9th) from my concerned mother, who had swallowed it hook, line and sinker. I don't know why my sister said this, but she has got form for stirring.

I was livid and humiliated at the same time.

I now can't face speaking to any of them, due to anger, wounded pride, and embarrassment. I have ignored phone calls from all three of them until my phone's battery ran out. I haven't been opening the emails they've sent me. (On Wednesday I sent each of them an email saying that I'm OK, hope they are too, and I'll be back in touch "in due course", and left it there).

I am still simmering gently and getting irate every time I think about any of them. So I figure I'm not ready to re-engage yet. I suppose this is what you would call 'going NC' for a while.

How long should I leave it? Have I been a complete cunt to them? Should I take this on the chin as 'one of those things' that happen in families? And when I've calmed down and it's time to get back in touch, how should I do it?

In my head, I am determined that I won't speak to any of them until Christmas. But, having insight into my AS, I suspect this is due to my unnaturally rigid thinking. But at the same time, I can't help it. It's like recent events have tripped a switch in my head and a light has come on saying 'NO MORE'. I should add that I gave up one of my antipsychotic meds a month ago, because it was causing such weight gain. Has this clouded my judgement?

Please advise, you're a wise bunch and I need some perspective on what's just happened.

Sorry to be so longwinded, and thanks if you had the patience to read the foregoing.

[OliviaMMumsnet]

Friday night link to our talk guidelines
Peace and love

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

Deleted for being upset by someone being utterly rude to me and unfair to an OP with a disability.

Unreal.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

Calling someone rude when they have been extremely rude is hardly in uncalled for PA

[NayFindus]

It's not everyone else. Hun. It's her. I'll bet it's been several times. The family have had enough. She's losing them. Can she afford to?

[tabulahrasa]

You're not allowed to insult someone - even if it's true fanjo


And the OP may be 42, but that doesn't mean that she understands other people's POV or how to rectify the situation if she accepts that maybe she is being a bit unreasonable.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

I appreciate that.

But it is wrong to not be able to call it rude and spiteful if someone posts making nasty comment about your username

[NayFindus]

FYI

If someone is spouting lies - comments that are UNTRUE - then that is rude.

If the truth happens to be so unpleasant that it's RUDE - then you need to change the truth fucking quick smart

[tabulahrasa]

"If the truth happens to be so unpleasant that it's RUDE - then you need to change the truth fucking quick smart"

What?

[NayFindus]

If the truth - that you shit on your family - is so unpleasant that it's true - then you need to change that - do not shit on your family. Literally or figuratively. Or anyone else.

Why is that so difficult?

[tabulahrasa]

The OP has among other things a disability that causes rigid inflexible ways of thinking and impairs theory of mind...that is why she's finding it hard to think about how others might view the situation or accept others opinions on it.

Would you also come onto a thread from someone who was deaf and accuse them of not being arsed to listen to what their family was saying?

[HopeClearwater]

Sorry but you need to get yourself to AA.

[NayFindus]

tabu someone who is deaf can still communicate and be communicated to with sign language.

Op may have aspergers but that does not mean the whole lot of them do not need professional help in sorting out the fall out Charity's condition is leaving behind her, in fact posts supporting OP would appear to confirm this.

[NayFindus]

Maryz as someone who has issues myself, and has a mother with issues, I have sought help, got better and made the best of things.

My mother damages everyone around her, does nothing to change and says 'oh but I have MH problems'.

I have a beautiful daughter my mother knows nothing about. It's better for my daughter if she doesn't have somebody hurting her and saying 'oh, but I have MH problems' to excuse it all.

Who Maryz do you think is missing out here? Me? My daughter? My mother?

I'm off to bed now for my lovely husbands cousins wedding tomorrow. Nighty night. Sweet dreams folks. xxx

[NayFindus]

P.S. It's a trick question. We're all missing out because one of is a selfish and too dumb to change.

Night.

[Steben]

Lol mamma tj

[Steben]

Err no words

[candycoatedwaterdrops]

Charity Have you sought any psychological support? I think it might be really useful in supporting you to work through what's going on with your family. I'm sure you know this but being unmedicated when you have bipolar disorder is a recipe for disaster. I know they are a bitch for weight gain but you really need to weigh up the pros and cons. I'm not sure being without meds is working so well for you. Please speak to your prescriber. Also, if you post in another forum and you'll probably get even better advice with less of the bitchy arguments.

[CharityFunDay]

I may be a poor judge of social situations, but even I can tell that NayFindus is an ignorant arsehole. Please don't worry on my behalf, other posters, I will not be paying her any of the attention she so desperately craves.

This week, I sent each member of my family a card, telling them that I love them with all my heart, and that I'll be in touch soon.

That's all I could cope with doing. But I wanted to tell them that it was my problem, not theirs.

My social worker congratulated me on being able to do even that, so I feel slightly happier. I am looking forward to feeling able to meet up with them again (apart from my father: I need to have a serious chat with him and my stepmother about how I have perhaps relied on them a bit too much, and how I will try to be more independent in future).

Thanks to everyone on this thread, especially Fanjo who have displayed a little insight into my difficulties. I know I'm an awkward selfish cunt, and I do try to overcome it. Daily.

[HappyYoni]

Do some people really not shart??

[CharityFunDay]

candy thanks for your post. I'm not completely off the antipsychotics, I am still on 100mg of Lamotrigine daily, which is counteracting the ecstasy-like high I get from my two anti-depressants. (The antipsychotic I kicked was Respiridone (6mg daily)). My social worker was concerned at first, but is now supportive. I haven't seen my psychiatrist yet. No doubt she will tell me off.

Yes, it has caused an alteration in my awareness -- but I can cope with that. I didn't enjoy feeling emotionally numb, or being so obese. I feel better able to cope at the moment, and am trying to carve out some independence, mainly financial, which is difficult on benefits. I hope my family will be understanding when I get back in touch.

[garlicagain]

Well done, Charity :)