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AIBU?

I am BU but exactly how U am I being? And how do I get out of it once I've calmed down?

119 replies

CharityFunDay · 19/08/2013 20:39

Long time lurker, first time poster.

I am 42 and have AS.

(Bear with me, this is lengthy).

I have lived independently since going to university, and only approach the Bank Of Mum And Dad when in dire financial straits (which, partly due to my dysalculia, is more often than I'd like).

My mother and father are divorced and remarried, and I do my best to keep them in separate compartments of my life. I love my mother to bits but have a somewhat (!) cooler relationship with my father. He was EA to me growing up and to my mother throughout their marriage which is why she eventually LTB.

I live in London. I regularly travel back to stay at my DSis's house, because I love her so.

My father volunteered to refund me my trainfare when I did so (£30 return).

Last time I was back, he blew up at me over nothing really had a go and then stormed out, delivering the parting shot: "And I'll see you next time you want something!"

That did it for me. I have spent the last few years trying to build an adult relationship with my father, but it looks like I've failed.

NOW ... in addition to this, I drink too much. Not going to say how much, but it's a lot. I'm trying to cut down (last night was my first drink in a fortnight two V+Ts). I don't think I'm addicted (never drink during the day, never suffer withdrawal if not drinking, never have blackouts etc etc) I've just become a habitual drinker. Partly due to years of self-medicating my bipolar disorder. My family, however, worry on my behalf about my alcohol intake. I take their concerns on board, which is why I'm cutting down.

Last time I stayed at my sister's about a month ago I had an accident. I was just sitting down to go for a wee, when I sharted. It happens to us all. I cleaned myself up, did my business, and thought no more of it. However, I hadn't been directly over the toilet when the event took place, with the result that a bit of poo fell on the floor. I didn't realise at the time, but my sister informed me the next morning -- I was mortified and cleaned it up at once, apologising profusely.

HOWEVER ... a couple of weeks later, my sister told my mother that I had got so drunk that I had shat on her bathroom floor. Result: One very embarrassing phonecall last Friday but one (i.e., August 9th) from my concerned mother, who had swallowed it hook, line and sinker. I don't know why my sister said this, but she has got form for stirring.

I was livid and humiliated at the same time.

I now can't face speaking to any of them, due to anger, wounded pride, and embarrassment. I have ignored phone calls from all three of them until my phone's battery ran out. I haven't been opening the emails they've sent me. (On Wednesday I sent each of them an email saying that I'm OK, hope they are too, and I'll be back in touch "in due course", and left it there).

I am still simmering gently and getting irate every time I think about any of them. So I figure I'm not ready to re-engage yet. I suppose this is what you would call 'going NC' for a while.

How long should I leave it? Have I been a complete cunt to them? Should I take this on the chin as 'one of those things' that happen in families? And when I've calmed down and it's time to get back in touch, how should I do it?

In my head, I am determined that I won't speak to any of them until Christmas. But, having insight into my AS, I suspect this is due to my unnaturally rigid thinking. But at the same time, I can't help it. It's like recent events have tripped a switch in my head and a light has come on saying 'NO MORE'. I should add that I gave up one of my antipsychotic meds a month ago, because it was causing such weight gain. Has this clouded my judgement?

Please advise, you're a wise bunch and I need some perspective on what's just happened.

Sorry to be so longwinded, and thanks if you had the patience to read the foregoing.

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AgentZigzag · 24/08/2013 03:25

I see what you mean Fanjo, I don't think making her own decisions on contact = shitting on her family either (or that you're flaky (!)). She's sent them cards etc, which is more than I'd do if I was miffed.

Just because someone texts/phones/emails you doesn't mean you're obliged to open them, that would be a lack of control.

I keep a pretty tight control over what contact I have and with who, for my own (MH) protection. Thankfully I can do without, and I'd hate to feel indebted to someone who wasn't bothered about using that to manipulate me into doing what they wanted. I wouldn't stand for it in a relationship, and family are no different.

It's so difficult to know how involved the family needs to be on a regular basis, because that's the only way to tell whether they're being interfering or just responding to the OP in the ways they've learnt they have to over the years. (and accepting you drink too much doesn't mean your decisions/opinions can't be trusted wholesale else I'm fucked )