To politely decline a request for DD (4) to 'perform' at a wedding reception?

[Primafacie]

I can't believe I've got my very own wedding thread:o

It's not a real AIBU because I know I'm not, more of a 'how would you phrase it?'

In a nutshell, we are invited (with kids!) to a wedding reception next month. To say we are not close friends is an understatement: Brides' parents are friends with my ILs. We have never met the groom, and have seen the bride twice in the last 4 years. I expect it will be a big party with over 100 guests, a handful of whom I have met a few times. DH will probably know a larger number, but we do not socialise with any of them, except when ILs are visiting once a year. ILs live abroad so won't be at the wedding reception either.

The bride's mum sent us a text asking if DD aged 4 could do a little performance at the reception, such as singing a song or dancing. Now DD is not shy, but is a bit reserved around people she doesn't know, and she will literally not know a single soul other than DH, DS (2) and I. Nevertheless, I asked her if she could recite a poem from her kindergarten's end of year show or dance gangnam style but she says she doesn't 'want to show off' - which I think is legitimate and actually quite sweet. I don't want to force her as I don't see the point, and she is not a performing seal.

How do I politely decline the request without hurting the MOTB's feelings? Please don't suggest that 'no is a complete sentence' cliché, I would like something a little less abrupt and I don't want it to sound like we cba. I also don't want to phrase it as 'DD is too shy' because I know she isn't, and I think her reservation is entirely natural and not a 'problem' to be addressed. The thing is, apparently other children of the same age will be performing, and I know there will be some gossip about DD not doing the same - I know it sounds silly but it is a very close knit community and all they do is talk!

So how do I politely say no?

If you've read this far, congrats. Please help!



TIA

[tabulahrasa]

I wouldn't put that your DD isn't keen - that makes it sound like you might be able to persuade her.

I'd just say - thank you very much for thinking of including DD, but she doesn't want to perform.

[ChasedByBees]

Oh dear lord, why? WHY?!

[stiffstink]

I can't think of anything worse than having to sit through that as a guest who isn't related to the child, let alone a whole load of performances.

It'd be worse than those awkward singers/violinists in cheesy restaurants. Make it stop!

[Primafacie]

Thanks everyone, lots of good ideas and I quite like the idea of using DD's own words about 'not wanting to show off', or paraphrasing on that. Just to clarify, this is only a wedding reception, the actual weddings (yes plural) took place some time ago, one was held in Asia and the other in continental Europe, we were invited to both but couldn't attend. This reception is thrown by POTB for UK rellies and friends who couldn't make either.

None of this is unusual for this particular community, we had a similar set up at our own wedding (minus the mandatory children's performances). We have already RSVPd, so too late to back out of it, much as this sounds appealing right now!

I would hate having to perform in front of a crowd of unknown faces, so I'm totally supportive of DD's refusal! My only question was to do with how best to relay that refusal, close the door to any further discussion, and not seem rude, but I think I can craft something out of your suggestions :)

I will let you know if there is an update!

[Primafacie]

Oh god, this has just reminded me of my cousin's wedding where her sister/bridesmaid played the violin during the ceremony, it sounded SO bad, I honestly thought my dad was about to cry! We all had to avert each other's eyes so we wouldn't start laughing uncontrollably.

I also went to a very fancy wedding last year where the two bridesmaids decided to sing a song and completely fluffed their lines and sang out of tune. It was at a 5* London hotel and very grand, so looked quite odd.

All these performance weddings are for entirely unconnected people and communities by the way! What is wrong with the people around me?

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

you hardly know these people so why are you even going to this wedding??

[Kiwiinkits]

I think some of you are very dull for not thinking that these little performances might be (a) very sweet; (b) good for kids to extend themselves; (c) quite fun for the audience. I always read these threads with a sense of dismay at the lack of adventure shown by you lot. When I was a kid we had to do all sorts of shows and performances. For church, school, brownies, whatever. And we loved it. And it was good for us. As a result I can stand up as a professional and give a presentation or a speech with confidence. I can answer questions in an interview. I'm composed in front of a crowd. And this is possibly because my mum allowed us to extend ourselves when faced with a request like this.

I put it down to Britishness. Not wanting to do anything out of the ordinary, or put anybody 'out' or 'offend anyone' or have any fun at all. All you get is bland bland bland. Sorry but I really just think the response here is telling about the culture in Britain in general. Give me a concert in a woolshed in NZ anyday.

[Mimishimi]

Our daughter performed a few dances when she was ten at the reception of a cousin's wedding - a cousin whom my DH grew up with but whom we haven't really seen a lot of since she was born since they live back in India. She was only asked a few days before when one of the aunties from the wedding party saw her dance informally at my in-laws. There were at least 300 people there at the reception . She wasn't the only one performing though - there were various relatives and friends doing performances of some kind or other. I think it's the norm in a lot of cultures actually. I think it was good experience for her and everyone remembers it fondly when they see her.

[Mimishimi]

The difference is that my DD wanted to do it, if yours doesn't, I would just tell the MOTB exactly that....

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

I would say: "That's a lovely thought, but I think my DD would freeze up and I don't want to let you down or upset her"

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

Prima

I wouldn't say the thing about not wanting to show off. It could come across that you think it's showing off.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

Kiwi


Well if it builds into your prejudice, go for it !

[catinboots]

Saying that your DD doesn't want to 'show of' actually sounds a bit precocious.

I would just say that she doesn't want to do it.

[luxemburgerli]

Well I am an NZer Kiwi, and it sounds like my idea of hell. I'm thankful my parents never tried to force this crap on us. And In my line of work I give many presentations, media interviews, so made no difference there.

People still try to do this to adults occasionally - e.g. sing at karaoke. Then they get offended when after several polite attempts to turn them down their victim says "I SAID NO" loudly. It's having it forced on you, fairly patronisingly, with people saying "you don't know what you're missing" or "it'll be good for you" that is the worst.

[coffeewineandchocolate]

could you say she feels nervous about the idea and would rather decide on the day? there's a chance of all the children are doing something she may want to join in?

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

My favourite children's "performances" at weddings are little kids sliding across the dance floor on their knees, children dancing with their grandfathers (mine used to waltz with me standing on his feet), children hiding under tables, bridesmaids picking their noses walking down the aisle, and babies crying at the crucial moments during the ceremony.

[TheFallenNinja]

Just tell them DD prefers a more managerial role

[Alconleigh]

wipes eyes at a Kiwi lecturing people on being bland

As you were.

[Alconleigh]

oops, bold fail

[YoniSingWhenYoureWinning]

Kiwiinkits I'm more kiwi than number 8 fencing wire and the idea of rictus-grinning my way through a bunch of pre-schoolers 'performing' at a wedding makes me want to poke my eyes out.

[Primafacie]

I agree with Kiwi up to a point - we were also made to perform in public when I was a kid, and it is a good idea to stretch kids out of their comfort zone. But DD is only 4, which I think is a bit young.

I went with something based on Maja's suggestion. Many thanks again to everyone.

[YoniSingWhenYoureWinning]

Oi, Alconleigh!

[WetGrass]

I think you've totally got the wrong end of the stick.

MOTB doesn't give a rats arse about your Dds piercing descant, or adorable ballet dancing.

She is extending this out as an icebreaker to help the kids in the extended family bond ==and be out of the adults hair for an hour or two== .

I would expect an teenage cousin or two roped in to fiddle around with plaits and props and generally lots of giggling and ever-so-serious organising themselves into their 'show'. Like a crèche, but without connotations of the DC being excluded from the party.

I think a po faced response would be completely misjudged.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

I don't think "performing" is a National Trait.

I really don't.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

...or "Not Performing", for that matter