To politely decline a request for DD (4) to 'perform' at a wedding reception?

[Primafacie]

I can't believe I've got my very own wedding thread:o

It's not a real AIBU because I know I'm not, more of a 'how would you phrase it?'

In a nutshell, we are invited (with kids!) to a wedding reception next month. To say we are not close friends is an understatement: Brides' parents are friends with my ILs. We have never met the groom, and have seen the bride twice in the last 4 years. I expect it will be a big party with over 100 guests, a handful of whom I have met a few times. DH will probably know a larger number, but we do not socialise with any of them, except when ILs are visiting once a year. ILs live abroad so won't be at the wedding reception either.

The bride's mum sent us a text asking if DD aged 4 could do a little performance at the reception, such as singing a song or dancing. Now DD is not shy, but is a bit reserved around people she doesn't know, and she will literally not know a single soul other than DH, DS (2) and I. Nevertheless, I asked her if she could recite a poem from her kindergarten's end of year show or dance gangnam style but she says she doesn't 'want to show off' - which I think is legitimate and actually quite sweet. I don't want to force her as I don't see the point, and she is not a performing seal.

How do I politely decline the request without hurting the MOTB's feelings? Please don't suggest that 'no is a complete sentence' cliché, I would like something a little less abrupt and I don't want it to sound like we cba. I also don't want to phrase it as 'DD is too shy' because I know she isn't, and I think her reservation is entirely natural and not a 'problem' to be addressed. The thing is, apparently other children of the same age will be performing, and I know there will be some gossip about DD not doing the same - I know it sounds silly but it is a very close knit community and all they do is talk!

So how do I politely say no?

If you've read this far, congrats. Please help!



TIA

[YoniSingWhenYoureWinning]

Oh sorry, I thought you were quoting somebody upthread. Hadn't read whole thread. Oops! My point still stands, though.

[Pagwatch]

Yoni

I think you have missed the sarcasm/amusement in 'what a lovely surprise for her on the day'.

It was a joke

[Primafacie]

Wetgrass, I am fairly confident you have got this wrong - there won't be any older 'cousins' - it won't be organised in the slightest. the concept of an 'ice breaker' has never entered MOTB's mind. She is not malicious in the slightest, I am sure the suggestion comes from a good place, but mostly it will be a sort of 'mixed race/Asian toddlers have got talent' so we can showcase our respective progeny. But I promise I will be back to let you all know how it went.

Also :) at the idea that I'm 'angst ridden' by this. It was just a light hearted thread, that's all! I came here for good advice and got it.

[YoniSingWhenYoureWinning]

'What a lovely surprise for her on the day!'

Christ, if I'd been subjected to an impromptu kindergarten concert on my fucking wedding day I'd have grabbed a bottle of wine and walked out.

[2rebecca]

Maybe other kids have expressed an interest in doing this (or more likely their parents have) and the offer was just so that you and your daughter wouldn't feel snubbed.
I'd politely decline it thanking them for the offer and not worry about it.

[Pagwatch]

'what a lovely surprise or her on the day'

[NeverQuiteSure]

As odd as it sounds, perhaps she was just trying to save your DD from feeling left out if lots of other children will be performing.

That said, there is always the chance that the bride knows nothing about this. What a lovely surprise for her on the day.

[Pagwatch]

WetGrass
You might be right. I ave seen a video of a wedding a friend attended where all the kids performed 'so long, farewell, auf weidersein, goodbye' together.
I expected to have to hide behind a pillow but it was lovely and the kids were all having a great time.

[Pagwatch]

I wouldn't be angst ridden about tbh.
There may just be a bunch of children going and the parents thought it would be sweet/nice/fun so have mentioned it to all those taking children.

Personally watching kids performs usually a mixture of sweet, cringy and awful but hey, worse shit happens.

I am sure you won't be the only person to say 'what a kind offer but my DC is a bit shy for that kind of thing'

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

...or "Not Performing", for that matter

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

I don't think "performing" is a National Trait.

I really don't.

[WetGrass]

I think you've totally got the wrong end of the stick.

MOTB doesn't give a rats arse about your Dds piercing descant, or adorable ballet dancing.

She is extending this out as an icebreaker to help the kids in the extended family bond ==and be out of the adults hair for an hour or two== .

I would expect an teenage cousin or two roped in to fiddle around with plaits and props and generally lots of giggling and ever-so-serious organising themselves into their 'show'. Like a crèche, but without connotations of the DC being excluded from the party.

I think a po faced response would be completely misjudged.

[YoniSingWhenYoureWinning]

Oi, Alconleigh!

[Primafacie]

I agree with Kiwi up to a point - we were also made to perform in public when I was a kid, and it is a good idea to stretch kids out of their comfort zone. But DD is only 4, which I think is a bit young.

I went with something based on Maja's suggestion. Many thanks again to everyone.

[YoniSingWhenYoureWinning]

Kiwiinkits I'm more kiwi than number 8 fencing wire and the idea of rictus-grinning my way through a bunch of pre-schoolers 'performing' at a wedding makes me want to poke my eyes out.

[Alconleigh]

oops, bold fail

[Alconleigh]

wipes eyes at a Kiwi lecturing people on being bland

As you were.

[TheFallenNinja]

Just tell them DD prefers a more managerial role

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

My favourite children's "performances" at weddings are little kids sliding across the dance floor on their knees, children dancing with their grandfathers (mine used to waltz with me standing on his feet), children hiding under tables, bridesmaids picking their noses walking down the aisle, and babies crying at the crucial moments during the ceremony.

[coffeewineandchocolate]

could you say she feels nervous about the idea and would rather decide on the day? there's a chance of all the children are doing something she may want to join in?

[luxemburgerli]

Well I am an NZer Kiwi, and it sounds like my idea of hell. I'm thankful my parents never tried to force this crap on us. And In my line of work I give many presentations, media interviews, so made no difference there.

People still try to do this to adults occasionally - e.g. sing at karaoke. Then they get offended when after several polite attempts to turn them down their victim says "I SAID NO" loudly. It's having it forced on you, fairly patronisingly, with people saying "you don't know what you're missing" or "it'll be good for you" that is the worst.

[catinboots]

Saying that your DD doesn't want to 'show of' actually sounds a bit precocious.

I would just say that she doesn't want to do it.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

Kiwi


Well if it builds into your prejudice, go for it !

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

Prima

I wouldn't say the thing about not wanting to show off. It could come across that you think it's showing off.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

I would say: "That's a lovely thought, but I think my DD would freeze up and I don't want to let you down or upset her"