AIBU to feel prejudiced against by the school because we work?

[NoWayNoHow]

DH works full-time long hours, I work 5 days a week PT hours to fit in with school. I thought that this would be ideal as it enables me to drop DS and collect him every day, which is brilliant.

However, I've been really disappointed in his first year of school at how many things I've had to miss because of when they're scheduled.

Every important school assembly (including Nativity, Harvest festival, etc) - 9:45am
Every talk on literacy/numeracy/how to support your child better at home - 2pm
Every school picnic/concert - 2pm.

Out of 10 or 12 events in his reception year, DH and I only been able to go to two between the two of us, and I can't help but wonder how the other parents are managing? It's quite an affluent area, though, and tbh I've noticed that there are a lot of families with just one earner, and lots of mums/dads who are SAHP.

I just feel so sad at the thought of yet another picnic tomorrow where he's going to be all by himself while lots of the other children will have either their mums or dads there... Why do they organise these things at a time when most working parents can never attend?

[justmyview]

You can't please all the people all the time.

[kickassangel]

Those saying that during the day is OK for "everyone else" are not only assuming that ALL kids have one SAHP who is willing and able to attend (so far from the truth I wonder if it's even 50%) and that even if is is a minority of 1, that 1 kid has a right to feel included in activities as much as any others.

I wouldn't expect the school to do everything in the evening, but once or twice a year is perfectly OK. And to give the answer "oh well other people manage" is not a good answer when a parent points out how their child is being side lined.

Perhaps we should have separate schools for those kids whose parents work. You know, separate but equal.

[Mimishimi]

It's not a personal slight against working parents ... It's just organising for things for when, you know, the teachers will be there. . Lots of grandparents show up these days I've noticed.

[CloudsAndTrees]

Children do not get sidelined when their parents can't make daytime events, they still have the enjoyment and learning experience that every other child gets.

Even working parents can take it in turns to go and have odd mornings or afternoons off here and there. They can send friends of grandparents, and often other parents are very supportive.

[lydiajones]

I don't think schools can win really.

If you do events at the end of school some working parents still wouldn't be able to attend plus parents may have other siblings to pick up at the same time. If you do events in the evening single parents may not be able to get baby sitters.

[kickassangel]

Those of us who work are asking for flexibility and having some events at different times, just not ALL of them at the same time.

Why should my dd be left by herself EVERY time there is something on? She knows and notices and comments on it.

Any time there is a policy or practice that effectively excludes a sector of a population, it is discrimination. It isn't a personal thing of being picked on, it's institutionalised. Just because a large number of people can manage it, doesn't make it OK that other people are left out. In those circumstances you're supposed to listen to the people who are upset, not just say I'm all right, suck it up.

Fwiw I expect to have something on at school once or twice a month (on average) as well as the things we do during the day that parents are invited to. I would expect the same from dd's school, not to have everything on during the day, but to have a range of times when parents can be involved.

[Theas18]

Such is the life of a working parent :(

We have had lovely threads along the lines of " school want my poor tired little darling in to do a nativity performance at 6pm for the parents who can't do daytime performances well I'm not taking him, it's not school hours and they can't make me ner ner"!

OK I paraphrase but until they are 10/11 and up you don't get evening things.

[Allegrogirl]

A couple of previous posters have suggested working parents making friends with parents who can attend. How do you get to know anyone at the DCs school if you are working? I manage pick my DD up twice a week but after her first year of school I know people to say hello to and that is it. I feel she is really disadvantaged by having two working parents but what can we do? If I left my job we couldn't afford our modest mortgage so we're stuck with it. I'd love to join the PTA and get involved but all meetings are in the day.

[kickassangel]

Yes you can. Cos dd's school happily did that when it raised money for the school. Just not for the things that didn't.

We're not asking to keep kids up ridiculously late, just that things are on at different times.

Dd's school put all daytime activities an at around 10 am. Not possible to go to without taking an entire day off work.

And NONE of that makes any difference to the fact that saying tough titties to one sector of the school population is discriminating against them.

It doesn't have to be done like that. There are ways to include all kinds of different family set ups if the school chooses to.

[AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom]

Allegro - If you're picking up twice a week it's pretty easy really. Get your DD to point out the mums/dads/grans/childminders of some of her friends. Or just to point out the friends so you can clock who they go home with. Then wander up to them and say something like "Oh, you're Ellie's mum, Cassie talks about her all the time. She just loves having Miss Smith, she seems such a lovely teacher..." and let it go from there.

Honestly, I've just moved to a new area and if you throw yourself in and start a conversation most people will talk back. Moving here I assumed that all the pre-school parents knew each other. Two terms in I knew more of them than they did each other.

Yes, it is harder if you don't have every day. But it's a lot easier than if you never pick up. And picking up involves more hanging around, so more chatting time. Honestly, go for it!

[mrsravelstein]

i think the whole point about there being LOTS of events on during the school year is that parents can cherry pick one or two of them to go to at times suitable for their commitments be they work or siblings.

when i was working i would get to one or two events a year at dc1's school. now i'm a SAHM i still only get to one or two events a year because i would normally have a younger sibling in tow who are usually not invited.

get over the idea that you're meant to go to everything, or that everybody goes to everything - they don't.

[Noideaatall]

Totally agree with you OP. Although schools can be flexible - I mentioned exactly this to the head of DS1's primary school and he moved some things to other times. (He is lovely though. ) Worth a try? Mention to the governors as well. You could be talking about DS2's school though...sounds v familiar...affluence, SAHMs, gym kit etc.

[fandoobalawoozy]

Fundraising events are prob organised by parents/PTA and therefore must not clash with school hours - they're nothing to do with the children's education or normal school day and they're not organised by the same people.

Events primarily for children organised by actual teachers are obviously more likely to be in school hours because they're part of the education on offer during the school day.

Performances require both performers and an audience and therefore most are probably in the evening as that keeps most people happy even if still not all (presumably teachers least happy as they are giving up evening time but not to perform or see their own little darlings).

[Allegrogirl]

AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom done all that. I don't usually struggle with people at all but the parents/carers of DDs friends aren't interested beyond a quick hello. They have their regular school gate buddies through family and preschool. Other parents I think I could be friends with DD doesn't play with their children.

[AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom]

Aw, dear. They just sound a grumpy bunch then!

[kickassangel]

Fandom, what you say sounds really reasonable, but sadly not all schools are like that. There really are places that expect mum to be around for things and just don't accept how much it upsets people, including the kids, when some families are left out.

[kickassangel]

yes! I definitely don't want to being doing all of it.

Years ago, there used to be things for parents to do at schools which automatically assumed there would be a mum and a dad for every kid (e.g. make a fathers day card). If single parents complained, then they were told that it suited the majority so it was just tough luck for them.

The same attitude seems to be applied to families where there isn't a sahp.

I know it's a mine filed and there isn't a simple solution but some schools are better at being flexible and open minded than others.

[Oblomov]

I work part time. Can not attend everything, but manage to attend a few. Some of them, have no appeal and I wouldn't attend even if I could.
But I see no easy solution to this.

[PrettyKitty1986]

Df and I both work full timr and without fail, at least one of us (usually both) will attend any school event, whether daytime or evening.

I don't mean that in a braggy way - just an example that it's not only those that can afford to have one parent as a sahp who attend. We are very lucky in that df is the boss at work so writes the rota lol...and my work are very flexible. I also pick them up from school every day because I'm able to take my lunch hour 3-4, then go back.

[JenaiMorris]

Most of the big events (plays, annual barbecue etc) were held in the evenings and at weekends at ds's primary. It's not impossible.

Most of the teachers were parents with children who were at, or had been through, the same school so I wonder if this informed their choice.

[jamdonut]

I'm really lucky that I work at the primary school my kids attended, so on the whole, I got to see plays/assemblies /concerts etc.( Not always,but mostly).

When my daughter had her leaving assembly in year 6, I had an interview for a permanent TA post in the school (in the infants part,before the 2 schools were merged). I had to dash out of the assembly at 10.20,and missed my daughter receiving the School Shield for Music Achievement!! I was gutted,BUT I got the job.

It is swings and roundabouts when you work and have school age children. My DH hardly ever got to see primary school events, but he sees secondary ones because they are usually in the evening.

It is almost impossible to please everyone with regards to times that events take place. Someone,somewhere inevitably complains.

[olivo]

What about the poor teachers? Why should they give up their evening because some. Parents can't come in during the day? schools can never get it right for everyone, TBH. We offer an early and a late parents evening,for example, but you still get some who phone to arrange an appointment another time at their convenience. They are sometimes surprised to hear that these extra meetings will have to fit in with my childcare arrangements - I think they forget many of us are working parents too and we often can't get to our own children's schools.

[kickassangel]

olivio - as the op said, and I have pointed out there are still a LOT of schools who aren't even as flexible as yours. They have things in the day and that's that. If there isn't a sahp, then the child NEVER gets to have that moment that other kids do.

fwiw, I reckon 1 to 2 eve.s a month are probably what I work on average during the school year, and think that that is reasonable. It includes thins like school plays, parents eve, curriculum eve etc and overnights when we take the kids out.

I have no idea what % of families have one sahp in them, but there are a lot of families where that doesn't happen.