AIBU to feel prejudiced against by the school because we work?

[NoWayNoHow]

DH works full-time long hours, I work 5 days a week PT hours to fit in with school. I thought that this would be ideal as it enables me to drop DS and collect him every day, which is brilliant.

However, I've been really disappointed in his first year of school at how many things I've had to miss because of when they're scheduled.

Every important school assembly (including Nativity, Harvest festival, etc) - 9:45am
Every talk on literacy/numeracy/how to support your child better at home - 2pm
Every school picnic/concert - 2pm.

Out of 10 or 12 events in his reception year, DH and I only been able to go to two between the two of us, and I can't help but wonder how the other parents are managing? It's quite an affluent area, though, and tbh I've noticed that there are a lot of families with just one earner, and lots of mums/dads who are SAHP.

I just feel so sad at the thought of yet another picnic tomorrow where he's going to be all by himself while lots of the other children will have either their mums or dads there... Why do they organise these things at a time when most working parents can never attend?

[EasterHoliday]

the point is however that a 9am start would make all the difference to taking just half a day, and putting eg prize giving and sports day together (when yes, a picnic is part of it) rather than on seperate occasions would just make it easier. Yes boo hoo teachers can't make it for their children which is hard if both parents are teachers but the 14-odd weeks a year holiday to spend with their children quite possibly make up for it!

[HumphreyCobbler]

Remember that teachers are all working parents too.

[HumphreyCobbler]

Mmm, I mean we will not despise those other parents who work.

There are lots of administrative tasks that need to be done at the very start of the school day, that is why things generally don't start dead on nine o'clock.

[teatimesthree]

I still think it's a good idea to have things at a mix of times. DD's school does this: assemblies, sports days etc. during the school day (obviously). Meetings about reading/maths/transition from one year to another: sometimes at 9, sometimes at 3.30 (still within teachers' working day). School fair: 3.30. Carol concert: 6.

Obviously you can't have all activities at a time that suits everyone (unless you are SAHP to one child). But I think it's good to have a mix. 3.30 would be hideous for some posters, but ideal for me and the OP.

[Dahlen]

There isn't a solution to this. As a single parent with no family who works full time, I know exactly where you are coming from. I pay huge childcare bills for wrap-around/holiday care and use annual leave to cover the shortfall/illnesses/nativity plays, etc.

Schools are still organised on the basis that there is usually a parent accessible during school hours. In primary schools, there often is a SAHP or one working part-time to fit around children's needs, so it's unsurprising that schools work on this model, however excluded it makes the rest of us feel - and I understand where you're coming from because it does make me for my DC that they don't have mummy there for anything but the most important events, whereas little Johnny has a string of grandparents and aunts vying for tickets etc. As the schools are also working hard to try to establish better links between school and home, they can't really stop doing any of these things, so we just have to accept it I think.

What would be nice would be a video recording of plays etc for parents who miss it, though I understand that's completely unfeasible because of safeguarding issues.

[fedupofnamechanging]

I think some schools do far too many activities which require parental involvement and it is very unfair on working parents.

I am a sahm and can pretty much attend everything, which pleases my dd but I think it does make children whose patents can't attend feel left out sometimes.

Truthfully, I think parents should just be invited to the nativity play and everything else should just be done with the teachers because as much as I have loved being in school for my dd, I am very aware of those kids whose parents are never there and how that must feel.

[Floralnomad]

I don't think there is much that schools can do about this , do you not have parents or Inlaws that could go to a few things like assemblies instead of you .

[Eyesunderarock]

Perhaps schools should just concentrate on educating the children and forget about attempting to put on events and talks.
Whatever they do, it inconveniences someone, often to the point of frothing. They could put everything on the VLE for people to access, from powerpoints and information to uploaded recordings of performances. That way everyone has equal access.

[MidniteScribbler]

I've just done a rough count, and I can come up with twenty eight events held at our school outside of school hours.

Having events during the school day is not meant to be an all attend affair. It's more about having an open door policy for a school and classroom. And when parents these days spend so much time questioning what is going on in their child's classroom, it gives them an opportunity to be hands on, see what their child is doing and participate in their education. Very few parents actually make it to everything. Sometimes it's mum, sometimes it's dad, sometimes the neighbour or grandma or auntie or even an older sibling, or no one at all. Don't feel guilty about what you can't do, and just try and pick and choose those events that will be most important to your child.

As for parent information talks, we video ours and upload to the school's website. Might be worth asking if that's possible at your school? Sometimes schools don't think of things like that until someone actually brings it up and provides a workable solution.

[NapaCab]

I don't have school-aged DCs yet as DS is only a toddler so have no idea about current school schedules but why the heck is there so much stuff going on that parents are expected to attend anyway?

When I was at school, we had sports day once a year and then a school play sometimes but not every year. What is all this 'Harvest Festival, Nativity, picnic, sports, showcasing of projects' business ? My father was never once at the school I went to growing up because he worked and my mother, a SAHM, was still only at the school a couple of times a year. I think there is too much helicopter parenting going on at your school, parents with too much time on their hands by the sounds of it.

Don't feel bad - you are trying your best and you even work school-friendly hours so what more can you do? Not every family wants the 1-earner model even if they can afford it.

[fairylightsinthespring]

Agree that nothing will suit everyone. With email, newsletters etc there should be less need for face-face stuff about curriculum anyway. The weekly "prize assemblys" are far too frequent. Why not have one at the end of each term at the most? I also totally get why they do things that back onto drop off or pick up, even for SAHP it would be a pain to go back and forth. As a teacher, I know I will miss a lot of things for my two, but we do get the long holidays all together (DH is also a teacher) which helps, though quite if the kids will see it that way is another matter

[Blissx]

I understand that it's the easiest thing for schools to do it during the day. I guess I'm just a bit that I'm not in a position to be able to attend them all like others are.

...and yet you have the option to attend some, unlike others who cannot attend any. The glass is always half empty or half full?

[EndoplasmicReticulum]

Oh yes. I don't think there's much they can do about it though, if they had these things to suit working parents they would all be in the evening.

What irks me though is the expectation that you will be able to attend all these very important things.

At my boys' school working mothers are in the minority, so many of them can.

I can't.

I am very lucky though that my parents are retired and generally available, and that my sons are even happier if Granny is there for these things than if Mum is.

[PatriciaHolm]

It's not helicopter parenting, it's showing that the school has an active interest in engaging parents in what their children are doing and learning; the children love it when parents/relatives etc can come and see their work or sports efforts and it's far more informative than asking the average primary school child what they do at school . It's very effective at building a supportive, engaged school community. If schools don't do them, people moan about how they have no idea what their children are doing and aren't allowed to be involved enough!

We have a class assembly once a year,a harvest festival for the older ones, a christmas assembly for the younger ones, drama/choir/music shows in the evening, sports events and sports day, class open time after school once each half term. Few people go to everything - your child won't be involved in all of it - and it's a mix of daytime, after school and evening things. The school has a fantastic family feel to it, and these events go a long way to fostering that.

[AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom]

It is very hard for schools - most of what happens has to be in the school day - sports, assemblies, etc. Although I agree that better scheduling could help to do more things first thing.

On the 'being left out', my mother was a teacher so she rarely managed these things - she was at work and you can't just take a day off. I do not remember any of them. Nor do I remember being bothered. I suspect my Dad came to some instead (job where you can take days of holiday), but I don't really remember . Even if there is upset at the time, the chances of it damaging him for life are very slim OP

[nothingbyhalves]

I have missed every event of dt's first year in school , despite working only 3 days a week. Dh went to their Easter bonnet assembly and gp's have gone to everything else. Just Sod's law I think as a teacher myself I simply can't get the time off, I wasn't allowed to take an hour off recently even tho a colleague who was free had offered to take my class. Head simply said tough.

[stealthsquiggle]

I use the same tactic as 3Birthdays. DD (6) wants someone to be there watching her. Ideally Mummy or Daddy, but Granny or Grandad is fine, and she will settle for someone else's Mummy watching and reporting back to me, which some of the SAHMs will kindly do if I ask them (they are very good at telling me how well DD did when she is listening so that she knows they did watch ). With events like picnics, when I can make it I am more than happy to "acquire" extra DC, and other people have done the same for me when I couldn't make it.

If you have managed to arrange working so that you are picking up and dropping off (well done), use that time to suss out who is in a similar situation and would welcome some collaboration, and which SAHPs are likely to help without patronising.

[MaybeBentley]

If we ran events after school more than 3/4 of the children wouldn't be there - then it wouldn't be an event and it would be showing prejudice against children who can't get back to school / stay beyond the school day.
Schools' priorities are to provide events for the children and if parents can attend - great. Unfortunately you need to see your part in them as a possible extra bonus, rather than a right to have them timetabled to suit you, because what suits you could be impossible for the next person.

[uselessinformation]

Teacher here who has never been able to have time off for sports days, class assemblies, helping on trips or any other event. Luckily infant nativity and year six play were in the evening and I did get time off for the leavers assembly. So that is 3 events in 7 years! So I think you are lucky.

[spotscotch]

Try being an actual teacher. I have already cone to accept that, apart from perhaps his firsts, I will probably miss most of ds' s sports days, assemblies etc. DH will be going as he can take annual leave fir these things, I obviously can't.

[spotscotch]

Ha, cross post with useless!

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Good post MaybeBentley

On the flip side, I spend several hours in school each week, mostly with my preschooler in tow, reading with children, helping out with one off events (Santa visiting, counting laps for a sponsored event, setting up cake sales and so on), as well as things like nativity and sports day and so on.
Our school has a very open door policy which I take advantage of, and I'm sure that some working parents would be surprised at how much time many parents give to the school freely which enable all of these enrichment activities to take place.

[poshfrock]

Think yourself lucky it's only the "fun" events that you're struggling to attend. At DD's school the parents' "evening" is between 2.30pm and 5.30pm. DH and I both work FT. I had to get the school to arrange a special appointment for me to see her teacher after 6pm. They seemed most surprised that I couldn't make it in the afternoon.
I used annual leave for the nativity and the Easter service ( where DD was singing a solo) but it meant I had to miss sports' day because I didn't have enough days left (and she won a medal ).
I understand that things like assemblies/picnics etc have to be during school hours but our school organizes curriculum meetings and residential trip meetings at 3.30pm. Just not doable for us. I have complained to the school that they are marginalizing working parents but I haven't had a response.

[icklemssunshine1]

Another teacher here who will never be able to see any of DD's events. That's life unfortunately!