To think cutting people out of your life is just cruel

[ThinkAboutItTomorrow]

I know I am risking a real flaming here, and I honestly do appreciate that every case is very different and I cannot judge anything without knowing each case. However I see a lot of advice on here, mostly in relationships, where the advice is to 'just walk away' or 'cut them out of your life'. Now, in many cases I can see the point BUT......

I have a MIL. She is enormously hard work. Totally selfish, manipulative, vindictive and cannot even conceive of not getting her own way, a real pain in the ass. She drives me scatty and on occasion her manipulation makes me very angry. She repeatedly gets the hump and has little hissy fits, stopping speaking to DP and I for months on end (once because DP told his grandmother the dog had died ) then decides to make up. If you tackle her she tantrums - literally storming out screaming that she never wants to see you again. I suspect she could benefit from counselling but she won't even countenance it.

She is the mother to 4 grown up kids. 2 of them no longer speak to her and one is emigrating (in part I think to get away). This leaves DP. Oh joy. PIL are also homeless, having sold up to go travelling and when back in the UK they end up staying with us for months at a time, without really asking properly.

Anyway, sorry for length. Despite all this I see the total utter misery and heartbreak not seeing her 2 children causes her and I think they are really nasty for continuing to refuse to see her. At least part of her bad behaviour seems to stem from this misery. last week I could hear her crying her heart out (through the ceiling) and it turned out it was her 'lost' daughter's birthday (didn't talk to MIL, asked DP if he knew what was up). This is someone who ran away at 16 and is now back in touch with many others in the family but won't have anything to do with her parents.
They weren't abusive or anything, DP was living at home as an adult when she left and said at the time it just seemed like the usual teenage angst (ok, it's a bit more complicated but not wanting to out self or anyone else).

Everytime anyone asks PIL if DD is their first grandchild they just look stricken. They have 5 grandchildren but don't even know the names of all of them and have never met any but DD. Yes they are a nightmare but they don't deserve this misery.

Anyway - AIBU to think that people should sometimes be a bit more forgiving and tolerant? families can be a PITA but to just walk away because it makes life easier is just selfish and cruel.

Go on, tell me I don't know what I'm talking about.....

[ThinkAboutItTomorrow]

And I'm not saying I would cut her out by the way. I would protect DD at all costs - but I honestly don't think I would but all contact forever. I would just keep it at an adults only level until she could behave.

[navada]

I've cut out my mother, sister & brother.

Never looked back.

[MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour]

You and your mil are starting to sound a bit similar in your thinking ...

[Tryharder]

YANBU.

I often hear about toxic parents on here. What about toxic children?

My uncle cut my grandma out of his life. My grandma was the loveliest person I ever knew and it happened all because she dared to voice a concern about one of his life choices.

[ShadowStorm]

I would just keep it at an adults only level until she could behave.

How old is your MIL? Surely if she can learn how to behave acceptably, she'd be showing some signs of improvement by now?

[Oldraver]

Do you have children ? do you expose them to this nasty woman ? Because I think THAT is cruel.

You are telling your DC's is is ok to be treated like shit

[TalkativeJim]

Goodness, you really have no idea.

No idea at all.

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

Yeah, well, that's what you will do. Some people can't carry on dealing with abusive arseholes because it takes its toll on their mental health. Cutting someone off is not an easy option, it's fucking hard. But sometimes, you have to put yourself first. The abusive person won't ever put you first.

[DamnDeDoubtance]

We no longer have anything to do with sil because her behaviour was extremely abusive and putting such stress on our family I thought dh was going to have a heart attack.

You would not advise anyone to stay in an abusive marriage so how is this any different.

They happened to have come out of the same womb and there the similarity ends. I think all relationships should be at least positive 55% of the time.

[coppertop]

I know you are paraphrasing but can you really not see that what she wrote was not a real apology.

"I'm sorry if I upset you" doesn't even acknowledge that the person was upset.

"I was just worried about you" is an attempt to excuse the behaviour and turn the 'apologiser' into someone deserving of some sympathy.

She hasn't even attempted to change the behaviour that she's supposedly sorry for.

[GoodTouchBadTouch]

I think its the other way round: You need a really good reason to have someone in your life. Blood alone is not enough at all according to me

[cloudpuff]

The person who cuts off contact is often hurting an awful lot to do that, usually someone has put up with an awful lot of crap before taking that decision.

I have recently cut off contact with my step mum and her family and its the best thing I could have done, they have been doubly poisonous since dad died, and they started bringing my daughter into the mess, I may not have had the strengh to stick up for myself over the years but I sure as fuck will stop my child having to put up with it.

[Oscalito]

Yes "I was just so worried about you" is a classic toxic parent line.

That was why mother mother used to call me a slut when I was a teenager, because she was "so worried" I'd get pregnant.

Plus it has the added advantage of making them look like a saint, so put upon, so burdened with love and worry for their children.

[gotthemoononastick]

Downtontrout is right.I left home for boarding school at 5 and the life my siblings had after that is like a paralel universe compared to what I remember of my childhood.You will never know how they grew up..perceptions and all that.

[yamsareyammy]

You can cope with it. They cannot.
And with respect
a.you are not them, and never will be. You do not have the same charcters as tthem and never will do. You have been brought up one way, they have been brought up, goodness how. You have been brought up with coping mechanisms.
b.they have been ground down for more thousands of hours. And when they were little, and when they wre nowhere near old enough to cope. So even if they did start off having the coping mechanisms, they clearly no longer have enough.
c. She will treat them differently to you. Bound to. She will even treat them differently to each other.
d.They have back history with her, you do not.

A redeeming feature, from her pov in all this, is that she has said sorry.
Which is very good.

But. And it is a big but. It sounds like they still feel no where near able to cope with her. And from your description of her, it is very easy to see why.
So what can they do? You dont expect them to have a breakdown over it do you?

Normally, I might say, that because you can "cope" with her to a degree, that you might start acting as peacemaker, or bridge builder.
But from your description of her beahviour still after all these years, I dont think it would be fair on her children.
Perhaps th best that vould be hoped for, is that they send her a card at birthdays or Christmas[apologies if I may have missed that they already do that?]

[ImNotBloody14]

Yabu

[ArbitraryUsername]

I think YABU too. You don't really know what happened with your MIL and her estranged children; you aren't getting the full story. As if it's been bad enough that they felt they had to go to the other side of the world and cut all contact, then I can imagine no reason why they'd want to let her back in to their lives at any point. Cutting people out of your life isn't about punishment or retribution (so the prison comparisons are silly); it's about protecting yourself and getting on with your own life.

I have not had any contact with my father for over a decade now. I don't care if he's changed or whatever. I'm not willing to give him another chance. He had thousands of chances not to be a complete arsehole during the time I did have contact with him. Just because he shares some DNA with me, doesn't mean I have to see him. The tipping point for me was when DS1 was a baby and I just couldn't face the idea of my father doing the same emotional abuse number on him as I'd had all my life. Seeing what might happen to DS1 have me the strength to stand up for myself, and I'm glad I did.

I also cut out my maternal grandmother (from age 10 when the evil old witch attacked me with a knife). I would leave the house if she was going to be there. Child protection was obviously shit in the 1980s as no one at my primary school checked out why I would sit outside the school in the playground from 7.30am every day (whatever the weather) so that I didn't have to see her. She's dead now, but even if she weren't I don't see why I should be expected to have anything to do with her.

My mother has also done terrible things to me, but I haven't cut contact. I just minimise it and ensure I remain in control.

[ThinkAboutItTomorrow]

OK, I don't want to be one of those posters who gets told she is wrong, then reiterates she is right. But, it looks like that is exactly what I am doing. Sorry.

For the daughter you are all absolutely right. I DON'T know what happened (I have an inkling and it wasn't great but was more of an error of judgement / words said in the heat of the moment than cruelty). I have always tended to leave that one be as it is beyond my understanding.

BIL is different - I was around when they fell out and I honestly do not believe it deserved 8 years of no contact. It was all a lot of fuss about their wedding. It deserved a huge row but not totally cutting contact. Worst is I know it makes him miserable too.

[AmyFarrahFowlerCooper]

ThinkAboutItTomorrow Tue 16-Jul-13 10:06:31
Iamnotamindreader you are right in terms of protecting. I have said to DP that if she tries any of her hot and cold, not speaking for months tricks now we have DD I will run out of patience with her. Kids can't understand that she is just being childish and ridiculous - they would be genuinely hurt.

Guess that is my red line.

How can you say that and not realise that that exact experience of being genuinely hurt by your MILs tricks will have been your SILs reality for her entire childhood? Are they supposed to just forget and forgive years of hurt and muddled feelings and emotional abuse? Ridiculous.

[MumnGran]

It is usually a case of "the straw that breaks the camels back"
Certainly was for me

[ratbagcatbag]

I haven't seen my dad since I was 18, ill never see him again.

When I got married I left the bit of fathers name blank, he will never ever meet my daughter or stepson. My will is very clear on what happens to my daughter and there is a specific line in it, that says he is to have nothing from my estate and he is definitely not having my dd.

Finally he's the sort who if he knew was dying he'd want to say his peace,all I hope is I get the chance to refuse it,he dies a long lonely painful death. Cruel, harsh probably. Does he deserve it,yes with every breath he takes.

[Flibbertyjibbet]

I made the choice to stop bothering with my youngest sister about 10 years ago and can honestly say that my life has been so much less stressful since then.

Sometimes people will say 'but she is your sister' and my reply is that well, I am her sister too, and she treated me in a way that most people wouldn't treat an enemy.

As our older sister said, 'show me where it is written that you must get along with all of your family' and she is right. Just because we share parents does not mean I have to put up with years of tantrums and abuse off the younger one. If she was someone I met through work/school/hobbies or whatever I wouldn't have had more than one conversation with her before walking away.

I consider that the decision to cut someone off was hers in the way she treated me. I just stopped trying to keep the 'relationship' going. (aka beating my heat against a wall)

[yamsareyammy]

I think this thread may run and run.
Am a little surprised that you cant see several things by now , op.

[Sallystyle]

My husband cut his parents out for over a year.

Now he sees them for 10 minutes a fortnight when they come to pick up the grandchildren. They are welcome to pick the kids up from school or ask to see them if they want more time with them but we personally have very little to do with them except to arrange visits with the kids and a quick hello when they collect them.

It's really really sad and I wish we could turn time back and deal with things differently from day one.

The decision wasn't made lightly and there has been a lot of heartbreak all around. However, my husband is not selfish or cruel for making the decision he needed to make. I still hold out hope that one day things will change though.

So yes, OP. You do not know what you are talking about.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You do not know what you are talking about; not all families by any means are emotionally healthy, functional and loving.

You have likely too come from the sort of family where this type of dysfunction is thankfully unknown. You are thinking therefore like a typical non emotionally dysfunctional and thus reasonable person would do regarding her (thinking for instance that she is heartbroken that her children do not see her), she is however not built that way and your reasoning is thus incorrect. She has apologised but such have meant nothing.

You write about families being more forgiving and tolerant; qualities that the PILs have never shown their own children.

It is also difficult for your man because he is really the last one left and presumably he is as well tied up in FOG - fear, obligation and guilt.

They are only reaping what they have sown; they actively chose to act like this and their offspring have chosen not to put up with such crap from their parents any longer. Also such decisions are not made on a whim; this has likely cost their children many sleepless nights and a shedload of anguish before making such a decision re going no contact.