Ainu to be a bit upset by this comment and to think maybe I gave up attempting to breast feed too easily?

[emeraldgirl1]

I wanted to breast feed. I planned to breast feed. I tried to breast feed. DD (11w old now) wasn't a fan, screamed blue murder every time we tried, never once latched on. I paid three separate lactation consultants and tried to take all their advice. My nipples are flat and that didn't help. DD gnawed as them and cracked them every time she tried to latch and they were in danger of getting infected. I expressed colostrum into a tiny syringe for hours after my c section and then I pumped for three weeks as often as I could. I never got supply up properly because I couldn't pump as advised ten times a day, I didn't know how to do that and be with DD at the same time IYSWIM, I couldn't hold her/comfort her while pumping and DH couldn't take more paternity leave than allowed so he could be home to take care of her while I pumped.

Today a fellow new mother asked me if I had not breastfed because it 'didn't fit in with your lifestyle'.

She probably meant no harm and I know she herself went to impressive lengths to establish breastfeding. She is a bit on the smug side in general but I don't actually think she was trying to make me feel small.

But I have been down all day ever since.

I am wondering if I did give up too easily.

I chose to prioritise my mental health (have suffered depression in the past) as the whole thing was getting me very stressed plus I was skipping sleep to try to pump and therefore not having the energy to bond with DD the way I wanted.

I thought at the time it was the right decision but today that question made me feel shit.

I dd feel guilty when I stopped but I told myself (which is true!!) that important though bfing is, to me it was not a be all and end all, I feel I have other things to offer DD even if my breasts were useless to her :(

I am generally very hard on myself though and so now I can't shake the thought that I stopped too soon and too easily just because it wasn't working out as easily as I wanted.

It wasn't remotely because I wanted to drink coffee and booze etc which is what that comment made me feel.

Ugh. Why am I doubting myself now?!?

Oh and what should I have said to her? I just kind of mumbled something about it not working out.

AIBU to feel rubbish and slightly ashamed for not finding more ways to try to make it work?

[FobblyWoof]

To be perfectly honest I don't give a shiny shit how much effort etc you out into BF- it's your body, your baby, your choice. You could have given up at the first hurdle or out in the intense effort you did- it really doesn't matter. And people have no right to judge.

People who are smug about breast feeding and people who are high and mighty that they decided not to really, really get on my tits! If we're all making what we believe are the right decisions for both our babies and ourselves and let's remember it's important not to forget ourselves just because we become parents) then I really don't understand the judgement or the problem some people have.

I tried so hard with my DD and gave up, probably too soon but it was right for me and, guilt aside, I was far happier afterwards. I'm expecting again and at this moment in time I'm fairly certain I won't try because it will be a lot easier for me, especially with two and I honestly don't care what other people may think about that.

[childcarehell]

Nicolaeus is so right, that bond that you will soon have is amazing and you will forget other worries.

Though even if you ebf you'd beat yourself up, I have a ebf dd and I worry it's why she's so small (0-3 months clothing at 6-7 months) but then I rationalise and remember she's fat and short....

[BarnYardCow]

Ignore, you know how hard you tried, that is all that matters. I had to bottle feed and express Dd2, as with 3 other children it was too hard to rest to make enough milk. After falling asleep over the expressing machine, looking at the measly few ml of milk It had managed to extract, binned it and carried on with bottles. Some people need to put others down to get their kicks, just pay them none of your time and concentrate on your lovely baby.

[MOTU]

You tried, by the sounds of it extremely hard, your breasts for whatever reason just weren't going to be able to fees your child. I am just extremely grateful that science ha given us such a wonderfully complete solution. Breastfeeding was easy for me, bottle feeding not so much (my dd screamed and vomited every time I tried) so I made the pragmatic decision to breastfeed until she could use a beaker, if it had been the other way around I would have happily given up breastfeeding and bottle fed because mine and my child's mental and physical well being are paramount. Do what's right, not what you're told!

[catgirl1976]

What an absolute twunt that woman sounds

Ignore her.

Frankly I think you did well not to beat her about the head with a Tommee Tippee

[Bumply]

I managed 3 weeks of bf with ds1 before he'd lost enough weight and I had raw nipples and mild

[Bumply]

Pnd threatening to get worse. Switched him to bottles and he thrived. He's now a six footer 15 yr old who likes to rest his chin on my head. Bf ds2 for 4 months as it was working better, but I never enjoyed it. He's still shorter than me, but hasn't reached puberty yet.

[Gooseysgirl]

Emerald I could have written your post!! After EMCS I was full sure DD was latching on and left hospital thinking all was good, but within a day of getting home my nipples were in shreds and DD was becoming floppy and dehydrated... so clearly the latch was not working! Three weeks later after good support from local BF counsillor, cranial Osteo, tongue tie clinic (only v slight so didn't get it snipped), pumping breast milk and feeding with syringe.. DH went back to work and I was on my knees. Just could not get the latch right I was totally heartbroken but made the decision to switch to formula. I knew I had to go back to work when DD was 6 months and I was at risk of PND... I felt it would be better for me and DD to have that 6 months without the misery, and we never looked back. I was lucky and never once experienced any of the type of comments you had from that cow... I wouldn't give her the time of day again. I was never once made to feel like that by any of my lovely mummy friends, many of whom did BF successfully but none without difficulties of some description. I feel no guilt now whatsoever, DD is healthy and thriving. But despite my experience it hasn't put me off BF, and I will give it my best shot again when DC2 arrives!

[MsJupiterJones]

I'm so sorry that you are feeling like this but thank you for starting the thread, it has been great to read all the stories and encouragement.

I feel guilty both for giving formula and not giving it soon enough. I loved bf and everything I read seemed to show that any problems could and should be overcome. I avidly read Kellymom, contacted LLL, perused the bf threads here, fed constantly, pumped, took fenugreek, went to bf groups but DS struggled to gain weight. Thought at first it must be due to CS or my GD, then technique, frequency, something I was doing wrong. Only at 11 wks was posterior tongue tie diagnosed and snipped and by then DS was so underweight (way below 0.4 centile) even the TT specialist said I needed to supplement him with formula. Since then we've mixed bf and ff (was pumping too - no more thank goodness) and he is thriving but has never caught up weight or height wise so I fear my determination to bf has caused permanent damage. Yet I still feel self-conscious if I ff in public.

At the time I really thought all I had to do was try harder. And if I read a post saying someone had done everything they could, I would think they couldn't have done, because bf always works if you try hard enough. I suspect those who judge will read my and others' posts and think that.

I now believe the only person you have to persuade is yourself and at 7mo I am starting to come to terms with it all. I know parenting is synonymous with guilt so there will always be something you feel you could do differently, better, well.

A thoughtless (or even well-meaning) comment can really be a blow. Hope you start to feel more positive about ff after reading all these great posts. I certainly do.

[BluddyNora]

I really struggled with DS1 and although I know it was the best thing for the entire family to start ff I still feel guilty. Try not to beat yourself up over it- you tried your best and that's all you can do. Hugs and

[deste]

You are not guilty of not trying but you sure are meant to feel that way. Ask yourself, is your little one happy now and are you happier now? If the answers are yes then you have done the right thing. As I always say you can't tell a formula fed baby from a BF baby.

[Xalla]

YANBU!!!! I was similar with my firstborn - couldn't do it, never seemed to produce much, never got that 'engorged' thing that's supposed to happen, nipples were bleeding (one even got infected - grim) and DS had bad reflux so every agonising hour I did spend trying to feed him, he puked it up anyway!

I gave up at 8 weeks. Felt terribly guilty. Promised myself I'd do better next time.

DD came along and exactly the same thing happened. Gave up at 6 weeks.

Pregnant again now and will give it a go but am vowing not to beat myself up about it if (when) it doesn't work again!

We're not living in the jungle and we're lucky enough to have a perfectly reasonable alternative to breast milk at our fingertips.

They're tiny for such a short time; don't waste it thinking about a thoughtless random

[PeppermintCreamsSaga]

A mother's place is in the wrong is a great quote I read on here. Doesn't matter what you do, someone will always criticise you for it.

[JsOtherHalf]

Ds ended up on a drip because he was so dehydrated, my milk never came in to any useful extent. There was some research coming out then that some mothers who needed IVF would struggle to produce enough milk to feed - pcos, thyroid issues,etc. I did a lot of stuff like others here - hired a professional grade breastpump, took medication, etc etc etc. After 3 weeks I started using a supplemental feeding system for every www.medela.com/UK/en/breastfeeding/products/breastmilk-feeding/special-feeding-devices.html
. Ds started to sleep occasionally...

DS is 6, I have no idea what way any of his classmates fed for the first 1/6th of their lives.

[emeraldgirl1]

Wow!!!
Just come back on the thread and amazed by all the replies, but mostly how supportive they all are!
I thought many people would say I should have tried this thing or that thing...
Oh and now I am tearing up at the memory of her big eyes fixed on mine and it only last happened an hour ago!! I am missing the memory before she has even grown up, it is so amazing
Thank u so much everyone for posting.

[badguider]

I think you need to be more confident in your own decision and less touchy about the word 'lifestyle'.

You did choose to ff, because to feed ebm would have meant far less time bonding with and spending time with yoru beautiful daughter. There should be absolutely no shame or guilt in that. Be proud of your decision. It was yours to make and you made the one that is best for you and your DD.

I will be introducing a bottle to my ds early on because I need to leave him with his father a day a week from 3mo. I know that this might result in nipple confusion and that it might be hard to get enough ebm and he might end up ff, but it's very important to our longterm family plans and having much more time together as a family in the medium and longterm if I work one day a week from 3months (i run my own business). I will not let anybody make me feel guilt about that.

[amandine07]

Definitely ignore the other woman.

Based on the lifestyle comment she sounds like a total twat & probably not somebody you want as a close friend.

[Iggi101]

Watch this woman the next time you see her. She'll be asking someone else why they use that brand of nappy, or talking about the all-organic food her bubba will be weaned on. Or how returning to work/staying at home is absolutely the best option for baby's welfare. It's just a competition, I would doubt she meant any harm to you personally. And it may be covering up some massive insecurity she has herself, to be fair.

[loofet]

Don't be so hard on yourself, honestly.

I've had three DC and I was exactly like you. I tried SO hard to bf to a point where I just couldn't stop crying/felt really low/like a failure. Nobody warned me before DC1 that it could be difficult, I just thought it was natural and something that just sort of happened. All my first two did was scream, latch, unlatch, scream, latch, unlatch, scream for hours... I felt horrible and like you had painful bleeding nipples so every time I fed it was like razorblades. As soon as I switched to formula they were like different babies entirely. They drank their milk and went to sleep like a normal baby... and DH could feed too!

DC3 just took to bfing right away, not sure what was different about her but she did and almost 10 months on still going strong! Given my past experiences I now would NEVER judge a mother who ff because I know how difficult it can be. I wish wish wish there was more info out there on how difficult it can be so mothers don't feel alone or like failures when it doesn't work out!

Your baby will thrive and honestly in the grand scheme of things this really won't matter Don't beat yourself up, you're doing a great job and clearly love your DD very much

[AmandaPayneNeedsANap]

loofet - Totally agree with the spirit of your post, but just to add that plenty of 'normal' babies don't drink their milk and go to sleep either. DD1 especially wasn't that way inclined. So if yours doesn't (OP or anyone else, whether bf of ff), it doesn't mean you are doing something wrong.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

Please believe me when I say this won't matter -hopefully sooner rather than later.

Your friend was being sanctimonious

And you don't need to justify to her or anyone why you "gave up".

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

... and your reasons are your reasons. You don't need to prove you suffered enough to justify anyone else's perceptions of what is a "good enough" reason to give up

[FloraPost]

If I'd persisted in trying to bf DS1 he would have died. He was feeding so little and had lost so much weight by 5 days old that he fell unconscious and was very lucky to avoid organ failure or brain damage. I felt hideously guilty when my attempts to re-establish bf failed. Two and a half years on I don't feel any less bonded to him than I do to ebf DS2. Your DD is very lucky to have such a caring mother.

[orangeone]

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You tried. In fact from the sounds of it you tried bloody hard.

You gave colostrum and breastmilk in the first few days/weeks (when most of the benefit is TBH) but you couldn't continue. At least you tried. Please don't feel guilty, there will be plenty of other things that you will do for your DD in the future - breastfeeding is only one of many things a mother may or may not do. When your DD is a teenager, she won't be shouting 'I hate you mum because you don't breastfeed me for the Length of time recommended by WHO guidelines' - it will be far more likely that it'll be because you won't pick her up at some stupid hour from some boys house that you don't want her to see!!

Please just enjoy your beautiful baby and ignore others comments.

(and I say all the above as a breastfeeding peer supporter who EBF her DD but thinks that there are more important worries as a parent to tie your self up in knots about).

[pointythings]

Ignore, ignore, ignore. You tried everything. It didn't work for you. End of.
And I say this as one of those lucky, lucky people who found bf easy and had buckets of the white stuff. Enjoy the lovely baby snuggles and ignore the smug cow.