Ainu to be a bit upset by this comment and to think maybe I gave up attempting to breast feed too easily?

[emeraldgirl1]

I wanted to breast feed. I planned to breast feed. I tried to breast feed. DD (11w old now) wasn't a fan, screamed blue murder every time we tried, never once latched on. I paid three separate lactation consultants and tried to take all their advice. My nipples are flat and that didn't help. DD gnawed as them and cracked them every time she tried to latch and they were in danger of getting infected. I expressed colostrum into a tiny syringe for hours after my c section and then I pumped for three weeks as often as I could. I never got supply up properly because I couldn't pump as advised ten times a day, I didn't know how to do that and be with DD at the same time IYSWIM, I couldn't hold her/comfort her while pumping and DH couldn't take more paternity leave than allowed so he could be home to take care of her while I pumped.

Today a fellow new mother asked me if I had not breastfed because it 'didn't fit in with your lifestyle'.

She probably meant no harm and I know she herself went to impressive lengths to establish breastfeding. She is a bit on the smug side in general but I don't actually think she was trying to make me feel small.

But I have been down all day ever since.

I am wondering if I did give up too easily.

I chose to prioritise my mental health (have suffered depression in the past) as the whole thing was getting me very stressed plus I was skipping sleep to try to pump and therefore not having the energy to bond with DD the way I wanted.

I thought at the time it was the right decision but today that question made me feel shit.

I dd feel guilty when I stopped but I told myself (which is true!!) that important though bfing is, to me it was not a be all and end all, I feel I have other things to offer DD even if my breasts were useless to her :(

I am generally very hard on myself though and so now I can't shake the thought that I stopped too soon and too easily just because it wasn't working out as easily as I wanted.

It wasn't remotely because I wanted to drink coffee and booze etc which is what that comment made me feel.

Ugh. Why am I doubting myself now?!?

Oh and what should I have said to her? I just kind of mumbled something about it not working out.

AIBU to feel rubbish and slightly ashamed for not finding more ways to try to make it work?

[Hookedonclassics]

Dear Emerald, please do no beat yourself up about it. You are doing the best you can in the circumstances for your DD, thats what counts. Some smug women seem to find it very easy and have no idea...just ignore them. The "didn't fit in with your life style" is an ill-thought out thing to say.

I too thought I would breast feed my DD, but she never could latch on properly. My nipples bled and she became very dehydrated and had to go back to hospital. HV's and midwives blather on what a wonderful experience breast-feeding is, but it doesn't work out for everyone.

I expressed and mixed fed for 3 months - (expressing at 3 hour intervals so I became very sleep deprived, plus DD had colic as well so what with feeding, crying and winding, expressing and cleaning and making up bottles, I was worn out.

Dear OP, just be kind to yourself. It is good that you are giving your mental health a high priority, it was the right decision for you, and ultimately your DD.

[LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning]

What a bitch , her not you

[AmberSocks]

I didnt even finish reading your post because you are just justifying yourself,you dont need to!

it doesnt matter if you tried for weeks or minutes or not at all,its no one elses business!

[blueballoon79]

I agree with Ambersocks in that you have no need to justify yourself to anyone.

My oldest child (DS) wasn't breast fed. I attempted to but my milk supply dried up and I beat myself up about it for a long time.

He was born 3 months prematurely weighing only 1lb 14oz and I was told he'd never walk and it was doubtful he'd ever attend a mainstream school.

He's now 12 and is the same height as me and growing rapidly, he's able to walk, he attends a mainstream school and is doing very well in life. Formula feeding definitely didn't halt his progress!

[pudtat]

While I totally agree with Amber about not needing to justify yourself, I think a lot of OPs original post was to explain why she found it s especially hurtful to have someone make a judgement about an area where actually she had gone as far down a road as she possibly could. I don't think it matters whether this was bfing or playing the piano, if you've put effort into something and it just doesn't come together to have someone imply you didn't try is upsetting

And of course there isn't an Nhs campaign telling you to play the piano, your ante natal classes didn't make you play with knitted pianos, and there aren't a whole heap of hormones coursing round your system which are designed to attach you irretrievably to the ebony and ivory keys in the corner.

But honestly, a happy healthy mum is more likely to have a happy healthy baby. And with all the extra time you can now put into playing with your LO, there will be bonding aplenty.

I actually find that sometimes I am so tired from holding him to feed all day, and so grateful for a break when DH gets home, that I can struggle to want MORE time holding the baby and deliberately pass him to his dad for snuggles to give me a break. So much for bonding then...

[CarpeVinum]

A few hours here might help redress the balance and give you a sheild and ammo next time somebody is a thoughtless nosyparker

www.fearlessformulafeeder.com/

[Lazyjaney]

Ignore. There is no difference in outcome in 1st world countries so there is no downside if you're doing everything else to love your baby.

Love the comment on needing the bottle for the brandy

[cory]

I was the one who nearly drove myself into a breakdown through insisting on breastfeeding: dd ended up in hospital with malnutrition.

Of course I wish in retrospect that I had spent those early weeks cuddling her instead of using up all my energy on something that quite frankly wasn't working very well.

The good news is, you get an awful lot of years to make up for whatever wasn't perfect in the early weeks. Dd is now 16. Bonding is still happening on a daily basis.

[TartinaTiara]

Ignore, ignore, ignore. She has no idea what you did or didn't do. She isn't the expert on your child, you are (to the extent that any of us are experts, I'm still muddling around and hoping for the best 24 years on, frankly am grateful I haven't fucked up too badly so far). I think that we're in general a bit conditioned to expect that if somebody has a baby, they know what they're doing, because practically everyone had a mum who was always right, and always competent. My own DCs no doubt think the same about me, poor deluded creatures. And when you're the one who's trying and nothing seems to work, of course these others all seem to have it sussed.

But this is the thing. Lots of people are a bit gormless, thoughtless, twattish, whatever. They don't stop being any of the above just because they now have a child. Treat her as you'd treat anyone else who has no clue what they're talking about, because she doesn't have a clue about you and your life. And also, pretty shit social skills at best, a bit of a twat at worst.

[mrsjay]

it is feck all to do with anybody how you feed your baby you are doing nothing smug parents get right on my wick you are feeding your baby the way it suits you both, BF isn't as easy as some smug women make out and many many women struggle with BF but dont let on because of feeling guilty and judged, enjoy your squishy lovely baby and put her smugness down to her being a knob

[mrsjay]

you are doing nothing wrong*

[TartinaTiara]

And also - enjoy the feeding, however you do it. It happens for such a short time - I love my nearly grown up DCs, they're the coolest and funniest people ever, but oh, god, the sweet milky smell of them and the softness, and the way they reach out with their little starfish hands. Do not let anyone take the sheer pleasure of that away from you, however you choose to feed your baby.

[mrsjay]

I read the rest of the thread I just needed to get my rant out first Unless you are feeding and looking after your baby from behind a glass screen you are bonded to your baby , please dont let this comment grate on you

[icklemssunshine1]

I breast fed my DD for 4 months. It was hard going get my milk supply up as she was in neo-natal for 2 weeks & was such a greedy baby she never seemed to get enough & I felt I was permanently feeding & ended up crying all the time. I switched to bottles & became a happier person & a happier mother. As long as your DD is happy & healthy ignore her. Some people see breast feeding as a badge of honour but the biggest achievement is having a baby who is obviously happy and adores you!

[Echocave]

Hey OP, you've done really really well to try so hard. Well done. I had a very similar experience and ended up purely expressing milk. I got so overwhelmed by it that I couldn't see the wood for the trees. Probably because in these early days, feeding is basically one of the only things you do!

Please could I reassure you now that dc is a gorgeous 19 month old that the feelings you're having DO go away and you realise your little baby is growing up and becoming this fab little person. You have a gorgeous baby who is going to be fine so don't worry. Have a hug (oh go on!!)

[cardamomginger]

You sound like an amazing Mum. Ignore her!!!

I couldn't BF DD. and she had at least some formula right from day 1. Some of the most intense bonding with her occurred when I was feeding her her bottle and staring straight into her beautiful slate blue eyes. Makes me tear up now remembering that and how beautiful it was.

[CuppaSarah]

Look out the window and tell yourself who of those people were breastfed and who were formula fed.
Hell, look at a group of babies even, can you tell who is fed on what?

Becuase I have a sneaking suspicion you won't be able to tell

[icklemssunshine1]

Ginger - you've made me tear up too! Those memories of my DD staring up at me & her little fingers on mine are priceless. That's all that matters OP, who cares if she's fed from the breast or a bottle? You obviously love her & that's what she'll pick up on, not where her food is coming from!

[rabbitlady]

emeraldgirl1
I wanted to breast feed. I planned to breast feed. I tried to breast feed. ?I paid three separate lactation consultants then don?t feel guilty. you did all you could.
My nipples are flat? ice applied to nipples before feeding sorts that.
DD gnawed as them ? good feeding position sorts that ? three pillows on your lap, baby on your arm on top. touch her cheek with your nipple, she turns and latches. easy access to nipple without pulling. watch for ears wiggling ? all?s well.
[DD]cracked them every time .. no, she did not. your nipples cracked because they had not been used for their proper purpose in the past and because you didn?t get proper support, even though you paid for it. and some nipples just crack.
I expressed colostrum into a tiny syringe for hours ... what? sounds like the whole world was against you ? who had you doing this? don?t blame yourself at all that you have had difficulties.
after my c section? you had a major operation. don?t forget that.
I couldn't pump as advised ten times a day? oh, for goodness sake! you don?t need a pump, you need to be taught to express by hand, and you do it whenever the baby comes off the nipple, no counting.
its having a baby on the nipple that builds up the supply. even if she doesn?t seem to be doing much while she?s there. if nipples crack, look hard at them before they go into her mouth, then again when they come out ? they look so much healthier afterwards, its really reassuring.

I have been down all day ever since. I am wondering if I did give up too easily.? i could weep for you. you didn?t have a chance. i?m so sorry this happened. cuddle your dd close when you formula feed and all will be well.

I chose to prioritise my mental health ?sometimes going with your hormones and breastfeeding is the best way, but if for whatever reason it isn?t working you have to do what you need, to survive. your dd needs you and wants you well so you can look after her.
that question made me feel shit.. don?t let it.

I have other things to offer DD even if my breasts were useless to her you do, and they weren?t. maximising milk production isn?t everything. being close with your dd is.

I can't shake the thought that I stopped too soon and too easily just because it wasn't working out as easily as I wanted ? a lot of the time, i think this is the case with new mums. but not you. you have really tried.

AIBU to feel rubbish and slightly ashamed for not finding more ways to try to make it work? ? don?t feel rubbish or ashamed ? you don?t deserve to feel that way.

and? your baby is 11 weeks old. breastfeeding is hardly established at that stage. if she wants to suck and you want to put her to the breast, there?s nothing stopping you. you don?t have to think of it as food. just as a cuddle.

[Munxx]

I haven't read all the thread so apologies.

Just wanted to say with my DD I too tired absolutely everything I could, I had never once considered that bfing wouldn't work for us. I hadn't bought any bottles, a pump....nothing.

Well it didn't work and I beat myself up relentlessly about it. And i tired everything, pumping until i almost bled sometimes. frantically doing skin to skin with an upset crying baby. it was awful. For what it's worth if you have a second, it doesn't follow that bfing doesn't work out again. My DS is still bfing at 9 months. I say this as an encouragement for the future not as a boast. I never thought it would work out!

Please don't feel bad, you are a wonderful wonderful mother and it doesn't matter how you feed your baby. It really really doesn't. You look at my amazing toddler and you would never k ow how she was fed.

I hope that all the wonderful advice in this thread helps and you make peace with yourself.

[TolliverGroat]

What an arse she was!

Everyone else has already said tons of helpful things about you and your lovely DD, but I wanted to add (and hope it's helpful) that (if you have another and if you decide you want to try breastfeeding again with DC2) that flat nipples are often less of a problem with second and subsequent babies. With any luck you'll be able to track down SmugBFMum and "accidentally" squirt her with a good jet of bm in a few years...

[childcarehell]

Hopefully my experiences can help you;

baby 1: very very similar to your story

baby 2: popped out and ate, breastfed fully.

No difference in me, it just happened

So don't think either that you'd failed or that some women try harder, and don't think either you can't breastfeed any more (if you want to). It's mainly just luck, and a relative hopefully. I had a huge mixed bag of 'help' too, I nearly failed the second time too after a midwife told me it was 'wrong' how I latched, I went home and tried my way again and it worked for us.

I have flat nipples too (or did) ebf popped them out

[Nicolaeus]

Ok, so your baby is 11 weeks old?

In a few weeks, your baby will cry if you pick up another baby.

In a few months, your baby will go into spasms of delight when you walk back into the room to her

A few months later and she will crawl over to you and try to climb up your leg for a cuddle

Another few months and she'll be toddling over to you.

If your baby falls over, she will want mummy's magic kiss. She will bypass everyone else who is between the two of you, because your arms are best.

You have a bond with your DD that is unique between the two of you. You've created that. Don't feel bad about not BF as long as you would have maybe liked, you really won't have affected the bond that is being created between the two of you.

[Primrose123]

Emerald girl, ignore that stupid woman.

Well done for trying so hard, breast feeding is not easy for everyone.

Like you, I wanted to breastfeed, but after a week had to admit defeat. It took over an hour to get her to latch on, she would feed for five minutes, sleep for ten, and then start the whole palaver all over again, and it was sooooo painful.

I think you did really well, but if it's not working, there's no point making yourself ill over it.

Don't feel guilty, don't feel ashamed, you are human. Forget that woman and enjoy your baby.

[crazeelaydee]

Tut!, you tried everything....don't question yourself hun. I BF both of my Dc and I struggled without the issues of flat nipples etc. I stopped BFing my Ds when he hit 4 months because it didn't fit in with my life style! he was a very hungry baby, got very heavy very quickly, and also took very long to feed (most of the time 1 1/2 hours!) So for those reasons I stopped, as for my Dd I stopped at 4 months because that's when I stopped with Ds....simples . It has feck all to do with anyone else but you, you know in your heart that the intention were there, you tried, but it didn't work out. Let it ride over, you don't need to explain anything to anyone just give a gentle smile and say yes I couldn't possibly fit it in around my spar days, ladies lunches while fluttering your eyelashes .