To think no you don't know how hard it is actually!

[MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong]

I am actually sick of mothers I see in real life telling me that they get how hard being a single mum is because their Dp works and he doesn't get home til after the baby is in bed?

Well actually no, you don't get how hard it is! You don't get how some times I might no see another human for days.
You don't.know how much it kills me emotionally. How lonely it is. Yes it's great too. But you don't have 100% responsibility.
You get your weekends together.. I can't even go to the loo without the wine starting!!

I really need to off aload about RL

[Astley]

Corr every point the OP mentioned in her first post is something that other people do have to go through.

The loneliness, the complete responsibility, the never getting a minute to yourself.

And you bought up knowing that they come back, when you know perfectly well that a good number of them haven't, and you spend the entire time they are away worrying they won't.

As for 'playing the tour card' when you have heard the door bell go at 7am and your first thought has been the worst, and you see it's actually just an insanely early Royal Mail man and the relief has caused you to actually sob when he hands you the parcel... You might understand that 'knowing they will be back' is really a pretty crass and insensitive thing to say.

[Sokmonsta]

I can offer you bucket loads of sympathy for your position but cannot say I can empathise having not been there.

That said, I am surprised somewhat that you are volunteering for an organisation which could actually help you. Being able to put on a front when you are potentially helping people in a similar position is bound to lead to resentment. I would speak to your coordinator, explain your situation and ask whether there is someone they could offer you. Someone to take dd to the park and give you a break, to play with dd so you can have a bath in peace, to give her dinner while you do some tidying. Things you will be doing for another person.

I have a hs volunteer help me with my twins and she is a bloody godsend. Her dc are much older though. Your is only 8 months old. I get that you are likely volunteering to give yourself a break from the monotony of being at home with a small, demanding person. But please give yourself a break and ask for more help.

[Sokmonsta]

And I fully intend to repay HS help and support over the last year or so by volunteering myself when the twins go to preschool.

[CorrStagnitto]

it isnt crass and insensitive how do i know he is on tour everytime he is away from you, there must be times when he is away but not on tour (maybe training or whatever) and you know he will be back, my dp is an armed policeman, he might come face to face with terrorists any day, does anyone quite know if their loved ones will be back when they walk out the door everyday

so you know of 'The loneliness, the complete responsibility, the never getting a minute to yourself' so try having a bit of empathy with the op instead of turning it around to be about you

[TheFlipsideOfTheCoin]

I think that they're saying that they can IMAGINE what it's like from the times that they are with their DC alone for hours on end. They're not directly comparing themselves to you, although it sounds that way probably.

[VelvetSpoon]

The point is people shouldn't try and empathise. They'd be better off just saying no, its shit. Can I help? Rather than getting into this oh yes lifes ever so hard for me as well.

But people don't want to put themselves out. They're not interested in offering assistance, just a bit of faux sympathy which makes them feel better. I have asked for help, needed help, many times and got nothing - despite fact I constantly help others.

[Astley]

corr you kow exactly what you said. I only mentioned his tour, not the rest of the time when he weekly commutes. You said that at least when he's on tour he'll be getting paid and I'll know he'll be coming back.

That is crass and insensitive. You can try and pretend now you were talking about when he's on a little day trip, but your whole paragraph was about a tour.


'op never implied it was a competition, and i dont think 7 months on your own while your dh is away is the same, you dont have the same financial worries, you know he will be back at some point in time, i assume you have contact with him so have some sort of emotional support through that etc etc, seems to me like youre the one making it into a competition not the op'

[CorrStagnitto]

i think you need to calm down and re-read my post, i never mentioned the word tour

i fact here are my exact words:

op never implied it was a competition, and i dont think 7 months on your own while your dh is away is the same, you dont have the same financial worries, you know he will be back at some point in time, i assume you have contact with him so have some sort of emotional support through that etc etc, seems to me like youre the one making it into a competition not the op

now unless i am mystic meg, i have no idea if he is on tour or not when he is away from you

but no need to apologise for your mistake

[CorrStagnitto]

You have picked up on me saying 'you know he will be back at some point in time, ' and twisted that around to make me look like some insensitive bitch, when you know full well it wasnt meant in the context you are implying, you quite obviously have issues with him being away for his career and you are projecting them on here

now i am sure it is very hard for you when he does go on tour, but when you mentioned he was away for 7 months you never mentioned this was a tour, and nor did i, for all i know he could have been away training, as i have no idea what it is your dh does in the army (there are many many different skills that soliders do) how am i supposed to know why/what/were/whatever he is doing

[GoblinGranny]

Would you rather people said 'No, I don't get how hard it is being a single parent at 23 living on benefits. I chose not to be that person' ?
or who didn't bother talking to you at all, because they had nothing in common with you at all.
Yes, everyone is entitled to a whinge, and to find their lives difficult and their circumstances unfair and their lives unhappy. What isn't right is turning it into misery Top Trumps, do the rage and stamping without comparisons to others.

And Astley? We waved our dad off to a warzone situation twice, and once to Northern Ireland. It was horrific for me as the oldest, I knew what might happen and it took me a long time to stop hating the Irish as an entire people. Certainly I was in my teens before I could be reasonable about it.
How my mum coped with all our fears and hers, I have no idea. But she did.
So good luck and safe homecomings for you and yours.

[MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong]

I'm really overwhelmed by all this support.
Unfortunately I do need to go to court to enable me to move on as ex pops up with his evil mum every few months.
It happens just as I'm okay and knocks me down. It happened last weekend again.

Just got out to playgroup this morning, which was nice.
In regards to dating some asked about- I am dating someone but its once a week. I put dd to bed then go.

Before I get flamed. Yes my mum has dd but I must stress she's in bed! And dd is okay until 12am.

[skyeskyeskye]

I get this all the time Make. People whose husbands work long hours, or work shifts away from home say _ oh I know what its like being a single parent, I am one half the time. This is my reply to them.

Actually no, you are not. You have somebody else helping to earn money. You have somebody else there some of the time, if not all of the time. You have a partner at the end of the phone when they are not home. You have somebody else to run decisions by, to discuss things with, to worry with you when DC are ill. You still have a husband to go on holiday with, to share DC events together with, to share bank holidays with. to share Christmas with. You have another family (inlaws) to help you. You are not a single parent.

Another thing they say - Oh I would love some time to myself, I wish that I didnt have my DC every weekend.

In actual fact, the reality of that is very different, it is sad, it is lonely, it is not how you expected your family life to be. What these people want is the stable family home life, hubby bringing home the bacon, but a few hours to themselves to go shopping and have lunch....

I think that people are probably trying to empathise possibly, oh I know how you feel etc, but it doesnt always come across like that.

Regarding contact - I know why you are doing it , and you know that you cant force him to see DD. But you want stability and to know where you and DD stand, that is why you are doing it.

[Loulybelle]

Make has had a lot of issues with her ex, in demanding contact with 24 hours notice once in a blue moon, and i understand her desire to have contact agree on, in which her ex cant just demand and then say shes unreasonable when she happens to not be available.

[toddthebarber]

Thought i might be able to add a different perspective. I am an ex forces wife and have been a lone parent for 5 years, so have experienced parenting with a husband that works away or might not come back and what its like to be totally on my own.

Its different for different reasons. In the forces there are other stresses, such as ' are they alive' but its only for 6 or so months and there is contact, you are not financially on your own, the families officer is about if you need help, other wives will help too. Its hard...

BUT - being a lone parent, you are on your own, not for 6 months, just forever, for everything all of the time. If i have the odd moan, which is not very often, since it tends to get the same response as the OP has had, i get told ' at least you have the house to yourself in an evening' i reply - yes, every damn night for 5 years. Then they shake their heads and tell me to get out more. which again, is kind of impossible.
Unless you have lived it, you dont know its hard, its relentless and it never ends, you know the buck stops with you on all counts.

Op your little one is tiny, now is the hardest bit, physically harder anyway. The tireness will let up, else you just get used to it!! But you will be ok, you are doing the best you can with the cards you have been dealt. When your child is older they will know what you did for them.

[PostBellumBugsy]

MakeItUp, I've felt like you so many times. It pisses me off royally too, when married or partnered friends tell me they know what it is like to be a single parent when as their OH travels alot.

It will get easier. Mine are early teens now & they are the best helpers I could ever have. Hang on in there - it will get better.

[rainbowfeet]

It's a very lonely life!! & what I find ironic is some friends say "oh, you must find a nice guy, even if its for the odd date" (I don't want to 1st & full most) but none of them ever want to go out other than a daytime coffee. So how I'm quite supposed to meet a guy I don't know & I had recently been thinking of moving to another county about an hour. & a half away & they were all saying "no, don't move so far away & where you don't know anyone" but I think bloody hell from school run fri pm until school run mon am I might not speak to another adult so how different would life be if I did other than a nicer area to bring kids up in!!!
I know it's not their fault my life is generally a bit crap but I don't think they embrace just how crap it is!!!

[toddthebarber]

ah rainbow, yes, i get that all the time. i dont quite know where they think im going to meet anyone... and before anyone shouts internet date, its dire and i have done for a long time with no luck.

Also to the people that say ' keep trying, make your life better' sometimes its not lack of trying that means its still shit. Ive been trying a long time, its still pretty much the same situation as it was when i first became a lone parent as i expect it is for most people.

[Astley]

Corr you know what, I wasn't born yesterday.

I said he was in the army, said he went away for 7 months last year, I think we both know you knew what I was talking about.

You decided to make a little dig about knowing he'd be back. That tells me all I will ever need to know

[Astley]

And GoblinGranny thank you for your lovely words.

[toddthebarber]

astley - it is different though, i can promise you. and if we are doing competative ' i have it worse' one year ex dh was away all but 6 weeks. and those 6 weeks were split up into odd days here and there.
But i still never felt as lonely as i do now being a lone parent. Coupled with which, i had a ring on my finger and so was not judged as being a benefit scrounging single mother with loose morals.

[PostBellumBugsy]

I think it is partly grates so much, because it is often a bit of a throw away remark.

Usually from the same people, who arrange to go out with you and then cancel because their OH is away and you are left thinking, but what about a babysitter - that's what I have to do, because I don't have an OH!!!!!!

I have really, really great friends and they all think I'm amazing (or at least they pretend they do to my face) and they tell me they don't know how I do it all (work full time, look after the DCs one of who is ASD, care for an elderly parent with dementia and give a passing semblance of sanity).

Single parents do the job of 2 people every day of their children's lives and whilst it isn't a competition and wherever you look there will be someone both better & worse off than you, an acknowledgement of the tough deal it can be, rather than a glib "I'm in the same boat too" kind of comment, is really appreciated.

[JenaiMorris]

I wasn't lonely when I was a single parent, but I had friends and family around me. I lived in town so it was easy for me to pop ds in the pram and go for a wander - even if I was broke (I mean literally no cash, not just a bit short) - and be guaranteed to bump into someone. There were toddler groups - I know people hate them but for me they were a lifeline. At one point I was going to four a week

I remember walking several miles on more than one occasion to pick up some random screws or whatnot from Homebase as an excuse to leave the house

The isolation thing will get easier as the weather improves and as your baby gets older, OP. There's a limit to how long you can spend in the park with an immobile baby but in a matter of months you'll have a toddler who'll like to feed the ducks, go on the swings and all that stuff.

Things'll pick up on that front, seriously. :)

[MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong]

Jenai- I do pointless trips like that!!!!

[NeedToMoan]

yanbu and I am a parent of a child with a disability. My hub works long hours and has been known to take half day off to play golf and sometimes I want to moan and say it's like being a single mum. But I know it isn't. I shoulder a fair amount of the crap but he earns the dosh. If I'm out of Calpol or bread he picks it up from the shop on the way home. He cooks on a Saturday night. And mows the grass! There are things about my life that are frustrating and hard, it's difficult with a child with ASD and another without. It has it's own set of difficulties. But I know it's not like being a single mum. You moan away girl.