To think no you don't know how hard it is actually!

[MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong]

I am actually sick of mothers I see in real life telling me that they get how hard being a single mum is because their Dp works and he doesn't get home til after the baby is in bed?

Well actually no, you don't get how hard it is! You don't get how some times I might no see another human for days.
You don't.know how much it kills me emotionally. How lonely it is. Yes it's great too. But you don't have 100% responsibility.
You get your weekends together.. I can't even go to the loo without the wine starting!!

I really need to off aload about RL

[HighBrows]

I want to help people like me, I have to help myself if I want to help others

That shows the essence of you, you will get to help people in the future but for now accept all the help you can get. Then in the future you will be able to pay that forward.

Take one day at a time, baby steps and you'll get there.

Also everyone gets exhausted and worn out looking after a small child, but I promise you this some day you will long to go back to that 8 month old baby and just to spend the day hugging her more.

My youngest is 11 and my eldest is 17 and I truly long to go back to when they were all much younger and fighting with each other for a cuddly from me.

[HighBrows]

^SirChenjin Fri 24-May-13 09:07:22
If you live with your parents then presumably you do see other adults?^

Op has already explained both her parents work long hours.

[MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong]

I apologise if I've offended anyone it really wasn't my intention

[PeterParkerSays]

Could you call their bluff? "It's great that you understand, what would you do next in my situation?"

Then stand there and wait expectantly for an answer.

sensibly though, are there any toddler groups nearby that you can take DD to, if only so you see another human being? The people who claim to understand might at least know of such contacts.

[SirChenjin]

She said in her OP she doesn't see another human for days - what sort of hours do her parents work? Surely that must be against the European Working Directive to be working for days/nights on end?

[MorrisZapp]

I don't think anybody who has said YABU is offended op, it's just healthy debate!

[GoblinGranny]

You volunteer for Sure Start?
You sound in need of a programme of positive parenting yourself, how on earth do you manage to be enthusiastic, supportive and encouraging to other parents who are struggling, when you feel so down?
What will happen to your DD when you start studying in September, do they run a creche? I think uni will be a great idea, but SW is incredibly emotionally draining for the most dedicated, so I'd be concerned for your mental health.
Have you considered other child-related fields?

[nailak]

OP

I understand that a specific person in a specific situation said something to upset you and you have every right to be upset, maybe the person was trying to empathise with you or something?

you live with your parents yet you have no family support and don't see another adult for days?

If you are living with your parents you obviously have their support.

If you don't have their support despite living with them, then how hard is it to see that despite living with a partner a woman might not have his support? and still might not have any family support?

If you don't see your parents despite living with them, then how hard is it to see that women living with partners might also not see their partners for days despite living with them?

Parenting with a young baby is lonely, not just for single parents, but for others too, having young children was the loneliest time of my life, and yes sometimes I didn't speak to another adult for days, and I relied highly on internet, and yes toddler group and the childrens centre was a life saver, something that I could never have lived without, and made my life bearable.

I don't know why you think you can invalidate other womens experiences and feelings by saying that you have it worse therefore they can never understand.

[HighBrows]

MakeItUP I fail to see how anyone could possibly be offended by your post. You are having a hard time of it and your 'friends' are making it worse by saying shit like 'yeah I know, sure I'm on my own all day as he works late'.... frankly that is an offensive thing to say to a struggling single parent. I'm offended on your behalf you have such vexing friends around you.

You are having a hard time of it, you are allowed to rant.

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

Id had this too, and the people that have said it to me have not been empathetic. Strangely the people who do actually understand are people that say 'it must be hard' and leave it at that. The few people who glibly talked about being a 'work widow' or other ridiculous phrases, they were by definition not being empathetic or trying to be kind. They were dumbing down what it's like and being a bit 'poor me' about something that it's quite crass to be begging for sympathy over.

Not sure why you've had a hard time on this thread OP, maybe cos it's AIBU, maybe cos there are alot of nasty threads out there at the moment. Humm.

[HighBrows]

Does it actually matter SirChenjin even if she 'sees' her parents everyday she still 'feels' alone.

[MorrisZapp]

PeterParker, most people don't find it supportive to be given suggestions how to improve their situation. If op finds herself disagreeing with her friends, she can just tell them politely. My friend is a single parent, and I asked her what it was like. She told me, in a polite and conversational way. Nobody has to challenge or confront, they can just chat like normal friends.

[MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong]

I can put on a front, I honestly just want to help others.
I am not going into my parents hours. Yes the occasionally have dd, there jobs involve some trips away.
They should not have to be helping me or having dd

[MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong]

Yes in lonely. Sir why does it matter to you? Why are you nit picking,

It's lovely at 23 isn't it when you consider a conversation with your tired overworked parent as a highlight of your day.

[GoblinGranny]

You can put on a front.
OP, that's unlikely be enough to keep you safe and sane.
I don't see judgy on this thread, I see people who are concerned for you and your wellbeing, now and in the future.

[GoblinGranny]

You are only a year older than my DD.

[SirChenjin]

I get that Highbrows, and I'm not nitpicking - but her OP was about how often she sees another human for days which is what I couldn't understand.

The point I was making was that there are many, many women who have a really rough time of it when they are raising their children, and I believe we should recognise that rather than getting into a debate as to who has it hardest.

[MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong]

Thank you granny I'm normally doing better than this but this week has been hell.
Mum and dad have to go away today too
The court papers went in yesterday so waiting for another attack from the ex and his mum but that's another thread.
Dd is really teething and sad .
It also isn't my parents place to look after and care for dd. When I volunteer she's in crèche, and when I go to college I've scraped together enough for a day at nursery because I need us to have a future.
In my volunteering I haven't hit a rough patch yet. I do more organising the activities for the children, toy library and pointing people in the right directions of organisations of help.

[DumSpiroSpero]

We all have different circumstances, partners (or not), kids, strengths and weaknesses - it really doesn't need to be a bun fight or a competition.

I work school hours, term time only and so does DH, and I realise that makes me very fortunate. Doesn't stop me occasionally envying my friends whose husbands do business trips their space and 121 time with their DC's. I used to have that when DH worked shifts and I really miss it, but I know people in different circs probably think I'm mad!

A single mum with a reasonable ex and extended family support may find life easier than a married, SAHM with a tired, grumpy DH working all hours and no family or friends nearby.

There's nothing 'black and white' about parenthood.

[MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong]

Sir- I am not being competitive. I'm having a rough time that is all

[nailak]

highbrows and double I find it amazing you can talk about being offended and "poor me" and at the same time refuse to acknowledge that other peoples feelings and emotions are valid!

I mean you say does it matter if she feels alone, well doesnt the same thing apply to women in relationships? Obviously not according to you!

Of course women in relationships can never be lonely or struggle or have a hard time of it

you all sound self obsessed! if your friends have issues you really sit there thinking "i have it worse so it is offensive to tell me"?

[GoodtoBetter]

Pay people no heed OP. You are having a hard time and I don't blame you for feeling sad, or jealous or bitter. You are as entitled to moan as anyone else, and don't listen to the "my leg is more broken than yours" bollocks. Your life is hard atm. But it will get better, honestly. Chin up, pet. xx

[SirChenjin]

Good - because starting a debate about how women with husbands/partners cannot possibly understand how hard it is for single parents doesn't help anyone.

It can be really, really rough as a young parent - there are some lucky people (single or married/partnered) who sail through it with a fantastic support network, plenty of money etc and there are others who are not as fortunate (I speak from personal experience). The only thing I would say is it does get better - it can take years, and it can be a long uphill struggle, but it sounds like you are well on your way by doing your voluntary work and going to college. That in itself is a lot to take on, so you should give yourself a huge pat of the back for even attempting to do all that and raise a child

[GoodtoBetter]

It's not a debate, she's down and lonely and wanted someone to talk to. what's wrong with that?