To expect my 18yo to learn to drive?

[redwiner]

We have lived in the house where we are now for about 10 yrs, its handy for me for work, handy for bus for dd to get to work but a fair way for dh to get to work therefore we are looking at moving about 5 miles up the road to save him tens mins or so on his journey and have seen a lovely, much bigger house that it our absolute dream.
Unfortunately its more in the countryside than where we are now and there won't be any buses for dd to get to work. Last year on her 17th birthday we bought her a car and insured it, got her some driving lessons but she really isn't bothered about driving. The problem is that unless she does drive we cannot move to the new house we have seen and absolutely love.
I want to know if you think that we should put our dream of moving on hold (the new house has got room for chickens, loads of parking and over half and acre of land) until she either decides to drive or move out, or if I can give her an ultimatum of say, learn to drive by the end of the year or she will have to ask for lifts/get taxis etc or even think of getting a flat share?
I don't want her to move out but I do want to move house, however I am now caught in the middle between dd and dh! Advice please!!

[Fairylea]

You should move.

But ... she may not pass first time or even for a long time if she bothers to learn to drive. It took me 4 attempts and till I was 31 to pass! (Mixture of nerves and so on).

What will happen then? Will you make her get her own place nearer to where she works? Or in all honesty will you end up being taxi service? Just putting the thought out there.

[LittleprincessinGOLDrocks]

Posted too soon

I moved out at 18, and I quickly found myself wanting to drive as I lived further away from Uni.
When I decided for myself I enjoyed driving a lot more.

[haventgotaclue]

You shouldn't let her dictate to you. But given that her dad died in a RTA, do you think that maybe she is very nervous about learning to drive?

I learnt at 17, passed my test at first attempt, but really didn't like driving. I was overwhelmed by the power I had in the car and was very worried by the potential for an accident to happen.

I think you need to be patient with the driving. But this still leaves her with the option of cycling, taxis, lifts from colleagues etc.

[VeganCow]

redwiner thanks very much, that would be great. We went through go compare etc and rang round direct, and the cheapest was £3200, dearest 8 grand!

[MadBusLady]

I didn't move out of my parents' house fully until I was 25, and that's frankly not unusual these days (in the SE anyway). I have no patience with this empathy-free "I left home when I was 15 and bought my first cardboard box with me coal wages" attitude that this kind of post always seems to bring out on MN.

But I never thought of my parents' house or life as my house or life! They were entitled to do what they wanted, and very nicely let me have house-room while they got on with their lives. You don't have to give her an ultimatum, just let her know that you're moving and let her work out the problem herself.

[VeganCow]

Ah just noticed you said it was on her provisional...we got quotes of around a thousand on her prov but when putting it in on a full licence, it shot right up. Have you bought dd insurance on a full licence?

[pebbles1234]

As a non driver until the age of 28 I can honestly say it's because as a teenager everything was made so easy for me, mum, boyfriends etc ferrying me around. I think if I'd had to do it at 17/18 to make my own life easier I would have been much more inclined to do so - I'd say continue with your plans and let her get on with it!

As it was after ten years of uni and city living where I didn't need to drive it was only when I got married and moved to the 'burbs that I actually learnt!

[DontmindifIdo]

Don't raise the driving issue or tell her she has to learn to drive - show her the house, tell her you are moving there. It's your dream house, it's perfect. And just assume she's going to sort her own transport out.

5 miles? She could get a folding bike to take her to the nearest public transport if she really doesn't want to drive. She could get taxis, she's an adult now, it's hard but this is the age you have to step back or she'll be living with you when she's pushing 40

[2468Motorway]

Hmm, I think you should move if you want to but I can see why she might be reluctant.

This is her childhood home where she lived with you and her dad who died in a road accident. I would move but I would be as nice as I could be about it with her.
This is not a situation for ultimatums or telling her. I'm sure she'll be fine with it if you handle it sensitively.

[Shesparkles]

I'm not sure why not learning to drive=moving out.
You move house and if she doesn't learn to drive she won't be going very far

[VeganCow]

Sorry ignore me , obviously you havent bought full insurance as she hasnt passed yet! Sorry.

I think like others have said, to move, and let her decide what she wants to do. If you passed up the house, she might move out soon anyway!

[Squitten]

Agree it's not about driving or moving out - that's a bit of a harsh ultimatum! Simply tell her the plans and make it clear that transport will be her problem to organise.

TBH, I'd be more pissed off that I paid for a car that she doesn't use!

[usualsuspect]

So you would all Chuck your 18 year olds out, just like that?

Maybe I'm weird but I would consider all the family before I moved even an 18 year old.

[ivykaty44]

The problem is that unless she does drive we cannot move to the new house we have seen and absolutely love.

er yes you can move

IF your dd wants to learn to drive then she can, if she finds it difficult to get lifts everywhere she can cycle, walk, get a taxi - she has plenty of choices.

Or she can move somewhere else where she can get to work - tbh a flat share will probably work out as expensive as taxis to work every day, so its a bit of the same price.

You surely though must live your own life - that is you and your dh and not live your life as to whether your dd can drive or not?

[MadBusLady]

But they have considered her by offering her the tools to solve the transport problem, usual. I agree people here (usually older people) are generally way too harsh on young adults still living at home, but I think to turn down a dream home because your 18yo won't co-operate in solving their own perfectly soluble problem is a step too far.

[redwiner]

Squitten - I haven't told her that if she doesn't drive she will have to move out but it's simply that to get to work she has to currently get on a bus to the train station then a train to her job, and where the new house is there are NO buses to get her to the station which is about 5-6 miles from the station in the countryside. We are in a small village now but want to move out even further. She has often said to me that she plans to move out as soon as she can afford it, ie next year or so, but I don't want her to feel that we are forcing her out by moving somewhere that is really inconvenient. I do think that part of the problem could be her dad's death but I have tried to say to her that in general cars are very safe and that she can use her experience to make her a safer person to be on the road.

[dexter73]

If it is only 5 miles from your present house then she could cycle to the bus stop while learning to drive.

[PaperSeagull]

YANBU to move to your dream house. Your DD is an adult, and her transportation issues are her own to sort out. I think you have been extraordinarily generous to buy her a car, pay for insurance, pay for driving lessons. If she chooses not to take advantage of that generosity, then it is up to her to make alternative transportation arrangements. I don't think we do young adults any favours at all by allowing them to live in a prolonged state of childhood/adolescence.

However, I agree with a previous poster that it might be worth exploring with her whether her reluctance to drive has something to do with her father dying in a traffic accident. I'd be very sympathetic if so, though I would still encourage her to learn to drive.

[ControlGeek]

It sounds like it really is your dream home (it actually sounds like mine, too!). It is also likely to be your home for much longer than it will be your DD's, as she will presumably want to gain her independence over the next few years. That has got to have the majority weighting when it comes to your decision.

I don't think that forcing your DD to learn to drive is necessarily part and parcel of moving there though. Yes, it would make (her? your?) life more convenient for her to have her own transport and come and go at will, but there are alternatives - car sharing, taxis, many pubs in the rural area where I am even operate private minibuses to get their customers home safely.

Not everyone is cut out to drive. It sounds as though your DD may have good reasons to not want to drive. In some circumstances pushing someone to do something they don't want to do is the right thing. In other circumstances it is not.

[ControlGeek]

Oops YANBU to want to move there, YABU to use it as a tool to insist your DD learns to drive.

[Earthworms]

I lived in the arse end of nowhere, still do. As an 18yo I could drive, but couldn't afford to buy a car. I did what my mates did, cycled, lift shared, accepted that was how it was and that some jobs were out of reach without a car. Ect.

Don't give up on your dream. She can be part of it too. As a grown up.

[ControlGeek]

x-posted with loads :)

[MadBusLady]

I think taxis are well worth looking into. Varies a lot depending where you are but I've stayed in some rural places where they're so heavily and regularly used that they're pretty cheap considering the convenience you get. Lots of firms will do a discounted deal on a regular journey.

[Earthworms]

10 miles cycling a day is eminently do able for a healthy young adult. It would help with her road skills and confidence for driving too.

[Runoutofideas]

My sister was in a similar position as an 18 yr old. She got a moped. She's now just passed her full driving test - at 31....