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AIBU?

To expect my 18yo to learn to drive?

60 replies

redwiner · 20/05/2013 17:56

We have lived in the house where we are now for about 10 yrs, its handy for me for work, handy for bus for dd to get to work but a fair way for dh to get to work therefore we are looking at moving about 5 miles up the road to save him tens mins or so on his journey and have seen a lovely, much bigger house that it our absolute dream.
Unfortunately its more in the countryside than where we are now and there won't be any buses for dd to get to work. Last year on her 17th birthday we bought her a car and insured it, got her some driving lessons but she really isn't bothered about driving. The problem is that unless she does drive we cannot move to the new house we have seen and absolutely love.
I want to know if you think that we should put our dream of moving on hold (the new house has got room for chickens, loads of parking and over half and acre of land) until she either decides to drive or move out, or if I can give her an ultimatum of say, learn to drive by the end of the year or she will have to ask for lifts/get taxis etc or even think of getting a flat share?
I don't want her to move out but I do want to move house, however I am now caught in the middle between dd and dh! Advice please!!

OP posts:

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Dawndonna · 22/05/2013 18:30

Bless you Worry, Thank you!

WorrySighWorrySigh · 22/05/2013 17:45

Dawndonna - not sure if OP is still on this thread but I was able to get insurance for DD(17) when she passed her test for around £1600 for a 2001 Ford Ka with an Admiral Littlebox policy.

Dawndonna · 22/05/2013 15:41

Redwiner
May I have the name of the insurance company too, please.

Your dd will bugger off one day anyway and you will be left where you are, so that may as well be in your dream house. She will learn soon enough, if not, she'll scrounge lifts from friends, get taxis, whatever. It's your turn now.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 22/05/2013 15:09

DD has just had her first report back and is delighted to find herself an excellent driver!

VeganCow · 22/05/2013 14:46

thanks for that worry, will try and get a quote!

WorrySighWorrySigh · 20/05/2013 20:38

VeganCow - we paid around £1600 for DD1 from Admiral for a Ford Ka. It is one of their 'LittleBox' policies.

DD loves the freedom.

Shesparkles · 20/05/2013 19:36

OP it might not feel like it just ow, but you really will be doing her a favour by taking a stronger stance on buying the new house, whilst we all give up a lot for our children, there comes a point where as a young adult she needs to know that there has to be some compromise in life

redwiner · 20/05/2013 18:55

Everyone, I really appreciate all your thoughts and input. I think I shall go with the general consensus and try to go ahead with the house. It might be hard but we are not going to rush into anything and dd will be consulted all the way. Thanks so much for your time and energies!
x

OP posts:

TheFlipsideOfTheCoin · 20/05/2013 18:51

she should be bloody grateful that she got a car, lessons and insurance!

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 20/05/2013 18:50

You need to ask her why she is reluctant to learn to drive. Given the fact that her dad died in an RTA it's not all that surprising.

Runoutofideas · 20/05/2013 18:50

My sister was in a similar position as an 18 yr old. She got a moped. She's now just passed her full driving test - at 31....

Earthworms · 20/05/2013 18:49

10 miles cycling a day is eminently do able for a healthy young adult. It would help with her road skills and confidence for driving too.

MadBusLady · 20/05/2013 18:47

I think taxis are well worth looking into. Varies a lot depending where you are but I've stayed in some rural places where they're so heavily and regularly used that they're pretty cheap considering the convenience you get. Lots of firms will do a discounted deal on a regular journey.

ControlGeek · 20/05/2013 18:47

x-posted with loads :)

Earthworms · 20/05/2013 18:47

I lived in the arse end of nowhere, still do. As an 18yo I could drive, but couldn't afford to buy a car. I did what my mates did, cycled, lift shared, accepted that was how it was and that some jobs were out of reach without a car. Ect.

Don't give up on your dream. She can be part of it too. As a grown up.

ControlGeek · 20/05/2013 18:45

Oops YANBU to want to move there, YABU to use it as a tool to insist your DD learns to drive.

ControlGeek · 20/05/2013 18:45

It sounds like it really is your dream home (it actually sounds like mine, too!). It is also likely to be your home for much longer than it will be your DD's, as she will presumably want to gain her independence over the next few years. That has got to have the majority weighting when it comes to your decision.

I don't think that forcing your DD to learn to drive is necessarily part and parcel of moving there though. Yes, it would make (her? your?) life more convenient for her to have her own transport and come and go at will, but there are alternatives - car sharing, taxis, many pubs in the rural area where I am even operate private minibuses to get their customers home safely.

Not everyone is cut out to drive. It sounds as though your DD may have good reasons to not want to drive. In some circumstances pushing someone to do something they don't want to do is the right thing. In other circumstances it is not.

PaperSeagull · 20/05/2013 18:44

YANBU to move to your dream house. Your DD is an adult, and her transportation issues are her own to sort out. I think you have been extraordinarily generous to buy her a car, pay for insurance, pay for driving lessons. If she chooses not to take advantage of that generosity, then it is up to her to make alternative transportation arrangements. I don't think we do young adults any favours at all by allowing them to live in a prolonged state of childhood/adolescence.

However, I agree with a previous poster that it might be worth exploring with her whether her reluctance to drive has something to do with her father dying in a traffic accident. I'd be very sympathetic if so, though I would still encourage her to learn to drive.

dexter73 · 20/05/2013 18:44

If it is only 5 miles from your present house then she could cycle to the bus stop while learning to drive.

redwiner · 20/05/2013 18:43

Squitten - I haven't told her that if she doesn't drive she will have to move out but it's simply that to get to work she has to currently get on a bus to the train station then a train to her job, and where the new house is there are NO buses to get her to the station which is about 5-6 miles from the station in the countryside. We are in a small village now but want to move out even further. She has often said to me that she plans to move out as soon as she can afford it, ie next year or so, but I don't want her to feel that we are forcing her out by moving somewhere that is really inconvenient. I do think that part of the problem could be her dad's death but I have tried to say to her that in general cars are very safe and that she can use her experience to make her a safer person to be on the road.

OP posts:

MadBusLady · 20/05/2013 18:43

But they have considered her by offering her the tools to solve the transport problem, usual. I agree people here (usually older people) are generally way too harsh on young adults still living at home, but I think to turn down a dream home because your 18yo won't co-operate in solving their own perfectly soluble problem is a step too far.

ivykaty44 · 20/05/2013 18:42

The problem is that unless she does drive we cannot move to the new house we have seen and absolutely love.

er yes you can move

IF your dd wants to learn to drive then she can, if she finds it difficult to get lifts everywhere she can cycle, walk, get a taxi - she has plenty of choices.

Or she can move somewhere else where she can get to work - tbh a flat share will probably work out as expensive as taxis to work every day, so its a bit of the same price.

You surely though must live your own life - that is you and your dh and not live your life as to whether your dd can drive or not?

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usualsuspect · 20/05/2013 18:39

So you would all Chuck your 18 year olds out, just like that?

Maybe I'm weird but I would consider all the family before I moved even an 18 year old.

Squitten · 20/05/2013 18:36

Agree it's not about driving or moving out - that's a bit of a harsh ultimatum! Simply tell her the plans and make it clear that transport will be her problem to organise.

TBH, I'd be more pissed off that I paid for a car that she doesn't use!

VeganCow · 20/05/2013 18:34

Sorry ignore me , obviously you havent bought full insurance as she hasnt passed yet! Sorry.

I think like others have said, to move, and let her decide what she wants to do. If you passed up the house, she might move out soon anyway!

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