Is my father BU or is he right? (weight related)

[alltoomuchrightnow]

Having had a terrible time of it in the last year, and crisis/ bad depression and having to leave job...it's taken me months to slowly start getting back on track and I've lost a lot of confidence. Also I've gone from size 12 -14 to 16-18. It didn't help that I had an active job, and I left it 3.5 months ago. I have underactive thyroid and have been walking a lot and trying t o eat more sensibly but it's not been enough. Doc doubled my anti depressants and I attend counselling once a week. Starting to feel more human but have lost a lot of confidence and been a bit of a hermit. I need to meet new people, socialise and to get fit again. I live by a river and saw a sign to join a group for sailing and canoeing. Never done before but I love the water. Thought i would look into it and get out of my comfort zone and would be a good way to meet people. Mentioned it to parents and my father immediately comes back with, 'no way will any club take you, how much do you weigh now?' Yes, i fully admit i am overweight, 14.5 stone at 5 ft 9. I intend to do something about it and it's not going to change overnight but i can change it within a few months as have done in past. But is he right? Should i wait a few months until i've dropped some weight? But tonight an old workmate posted some photos of her canoeing on facebook, and i know she's at least 3 or 4 stone heavier than me. If he is right, then perhaps this is the kick i need. I don't want the embarrassment of this club rejecting me, my self esteem is low enough.

[CottonWoolWrapper]

OP my DF is generally lovely but when I was pregnant with DS he told me I was fat. It was true. After DS came out I was 14 stone so had a lot to lose. My response was to say, "Dad I could say you are looking really old and wrinkled today. It would be true but unkind so I wouldn't dream of mentioning it. If I wanted your opinion on my weight I would have asked you for it". He said he was sorry and has never commented on my weight since.

Don't be afraid to be assertive with your father if he is rude to you. Best of luck with the rowing.

[Darkesteyes]

Do you know why he moans whether you diet/underweight/bigger whatever? Its because he needs someone he can feel superior to.

My mum can be like this. In the past shes said "lose some weight you look horrible"
When i lost ten stone just over ten years ago she didnt really acknowledge it But after id slimmed down she would regale me with stories of how so and so has lost 2 stone/5 stone etc.
Me- Erm mum ive lost ten of those.

But no all she kept saying was "mind you dont put it all back on again" constantly on repeat.
So OP i totally understand yr frustration

[carabos]

My DF is an expert in canoes and kayaks - still teaching that and sailing at 70. He is a big guy, always has been - very handy rugby no. 8 in his day. He's over 6 ft and these days weighs in easily at about 17st. I haven't seen him sink yet!

[xylem8]

It's no wonder you have low self esteem with a father like that!

[alltoomuchrightnow]

He also moans when i diet or am underweight (as i often have been) i'm never going to win and they will never agree with anything about me. The thing is, they don't realise how it sounds. They don't say these things to be mean. It's about them 'showing they care' apparently. I'm a grown woman, stepmum to a teen, practically middle aged though don't act it and hopefully don't look it (i'm told not) yet they still bloody influence me so much, in that i take it all to heart. I tell myself to get a grip..sometimes i hear their voices in my head ..that critical parental tone. It's pathetic. And yes i know i am lucky to have them both alive..I realise that. And for them to be fit and healthy.

[alltoomuchrightnow]

yes Darkesteyes ..i am the elder and the only female...brother far away in Australia, will have nothing to do with it!!

[alltoomuchrightnow]

both my parents are body / food fascists. The annoying thing is that my dad was fat ALL HIS LIFE. He comes from an obese family. His father died of obesity , he was about 40 stone i reckon. His sister died of obesity. My dad was always overweight but fit due to being a fireman. After he had a heart attack my mum put him on an extreme health regime, which worked (my mother is a complete other story... she still blames herself for my brother's childhood anorexia) :-( My dad will actually say, verbatim, 'do as I say and not what I do'. Although he is now the paragon of virtue except when he goes out to lunches without my mum ;-)

[Darkesteyes]

OP and harryhausen i could have written your posts. Its emotional abuse. Am currently a size 20 but a month ago was closer to a 22. Been dieting for a month. My problem was too much suger and carbs. So ive cut them out. Its still very slow going though.

Emotionally abusive parents would do well to remember that its their children (usually the female ones) who will be choosing their nursing home.

[fishybits]

Is your DF a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic? Would he consider a man too heavy to canoe at 14.5 stone?

I used to get paid to crew on sailing yachts. At my fittest and strongest I weighed 16 stone at 5'8. I was built like a brick outhouse. Somehow I doubt your DF would've found the stones to call me fat.

[ConfusedPixie]

My Mum is a paddlesports coach and 4 star whitewater kayaker. She is a size 16. My first coach was significantly bigger!

Clubs will not reject you due to weight, you may have an issue with your height if you intend to kayak (as you would need one of the bigger boats to get your legs in) but most, if not all but playboating clubs are very much able to accommodate this! And you'll have no problem with canoeing :)

My Mum started kayaking at 41/42, 8/9 years later she's now running a club and is the only club in her area that organises both kayaking and canoeing trips on a regular basis. It's a great sport :)

[BearWithBearWith]

first few not few few cos that makes no sense

[BearWithBearWith]

You're welcome Alltoomuch.

Phone/email the group today. Baby steps. Good luck & have fun!!

Let us know how the first meeting goes.

ps I get so nervous doing things for the few few times so I throw myself into the deep end (although perhaps you shouldn't actually really do that on this occasion lol) What I do is do the nervous activity (in my case running) as many times as possible at the start to get used to it and soon it'll become YOUR canoe club not A canoe club!

Have fun!

[alltoomuchrightnow]

thanks everyone for all the positive replies which have boosted me no end. The way i see it is...it would inspire me to lose weight instead of waiting till the right time that may never come...as BearWith says....and i have been putting off.
Scarecrow, i don't have kids (can't have) though DP has a son. Part of the reason why i feel i should be doing more..i have that freedom but have lost confidence to get out there again

[BearWithBearWith]

I don't know anything about canoeing but I recently took up running. Started over 15 stone now a few months later down to 13 stone.

When I started I thought "Do I diet first, then run outside once I'm slimmer?"

But I thought - no that's stupid - I want to run to become fitter. So what if people see me? If they keep watching over the next few months they'll see me get smaller. And you know what - I am smaller, fitter, happier and LOVE running for running not because it's making me slimmer.

Life is for living - and for living NOW not when you are at 'an acceptable' weight/size.

Get out there - do it - that will put you in a positive frame of mind and perhaps your parents will learn a thing or too. (And even if they don't I think you'll be proud enough of yourself to be seeking their approval).

You go!!!

[TheScreamingfrog]

I was canoeing at the same weight as you and I am 5'6" so go for your life! It's a great hobby and can be as relaxed or as strenuous as you want it to be!

[thezebrawearspurple]

Of course he's wrong, go do it, it'll be the confidence booster you need!

[CecilyP]

He is being unreasonable. He hasn't thought it through. While at your weight, you are overweight, there are a lot of tall men who weigh the same as you who are not overweight. Would the club reject them too? No, of course not; so they won't reject you.

Good luck - I hope you will find it a rewarding new hobby.

[Messandmayhem]

I started rowing at around 15 stone. I highly recommend it and I plan to return to rowing and get into it properly this time. I gaze wistfully at the river whenever I pass.

[TigerSwallowTail]

The only reason I can see for waiting until you've lost weight to start canoeing is if you have to buy any special clothing like waterproof clothes, wetsuit or anything (I obviously don't canoe as I have no idea what you'd wear!). If you're going to lose the weight in a few months then you'd need to buy it all again in a smaller size and it could be expensive.

[EllaFitzgerald]

Don't take any notice of him, he's talking out of his armpit! He sounds like an incredibly negative person who is unable to see the good in anything, and that's his problem, not yours.

I think you should be massively proud of yourself for doing something like that after all your health problems, and what an exciting hobby to have. Make sure you come back and tell us how the first session went!

And Harry, it doesn't sound pathetic at all. Go and do it.

[Midlifecrisisarefun]

Go for it girl!!!! If you have a wobble come back and read the comments on here!!

[harryhausen]

I also sail. I'm a good size 16 with HH's boobs! It's never been an issue. My friends DH also sails and he's very large. It's never stopped him. In fact he wins races rather a lot.

You've almost described my parents in you OP (without the negativity about everything. Negativity in everything is more inlaws style)

My dad especially is a huge body fascist almost. He's in his late 60's and is incredibly fit and slim. He's worked out since he was a youngster. Even now he gets up at 5.30am every other day to cycle 10k before breakfast. When I was a teenager he kept telling me I was 'putting on weight'. Looking back at pictures I was an easy size 10 at 16. I have no idea why he started digging at me. All through my teenage hood he told me I looked awful. Even on my wedding day he couldn't bring himself to compliment me. He told me I looked a mess because my hair was loose

Now I'm 41 and I'm a good 16. I'm classes as obese. In other areas if my life I've been really successful. I've made a good career in a creative industry and in the past 10 years I've made a good name for myself. He's never mentioned anything about this. Only how disappointed he is in me about my weight. He sits and insults larger ladies on the TV. Tells me constantly how beautiful my 18 year old neice is. It's only in the past 12 months its really dawned on me what a drip drip drip effect this has had on my self esteem - and it's effecting my marriage as I refuse to believe my DH could find me in any way attractive

I'm considering counselling, although I think it sounds a bit pathetic "oh I'm all sad because no-one thinks I'm pretty"

Sorry to hijack OP. Your post just struck a chord and I wanted to you know that I know how it feels.

[KittensoftPuppydog]

Sounds great. Do it. I hope the responses here have shown you how much notice you should take of your dad.
Time to stop thinking that his opinion is worth anything. Sounds like he has issues of his own. Maybe he is socially nervous himself.

[hackmum]

If you're overweight, then obviously exercise is an excellent thing to do, so your dad is being an idiot. Also, exercise and fresh air and meeting new people will surely help with the depression.

And please don't be too hard on yourself, OP. Your weight problem has been mostly caused by an underactive thyroid - you have an illness, and you could probably do with a bit of gentle encouragement and support, not people undermining you.

[Lazyjaney]

With your length and (ahem) top heaviness all the skippers of the bigger dinghies will want you on their trapezes, for balance reasons of course