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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

woman was trying to force dd to eat a hamwidge

512 replies

rosepettel · 13/05/2013 05:54

yesterday i got told by dd that her mate mum was trying to force her to eat a hamwidge even thou we are veges.. dd got very upset and distressed.. im going to ring the woman and go nuts but what can i say..why would she do this she knows we are veges..im so angry at the min what would you do? woman was saying just eat it i wont tell youre mum but dd was saying no i dont want it and was crying i am so angry.. what will i do please help?

OP posts:

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 13/05/2013 07:13

I would certainly call her and calmly say that it was not acceptable to do that.

trying to get your daughter to eat it, saying it's nice, and you will never know? Carrying on when your daughter was there crying? - bang out of order and it IS a big deal!

She clearly doesn't approve of you raising your child as a vegetarian. I can't think of any other reason for going on at a child who has already said no, until they cry, and saying that their mum will never know.

She'll be one of those who thinks that there's something wrong with not eating meat.

Mondaybaby · 13/05/2013 07:13

I'm vegetarian and so is my dd. I know if this had happened to me then I would be up at a strange hour fretting about it too. I would be so cross. well done OP for not saying anything while still angry as I agree that would have been counterproductive. it sounds like this woman has a chip (fried in beef fat) on her shoulder. Your little dd did brilliantly to hold her own against her and should be congratulated. I would tell this woman in a calm voice that your dd is strictly vegetarian and give her a written list of what she mustn't eat.

Fairylea · 13/05/2013 07:16

I can't believe people have made comments about that way op put hamwich or vege... who cares!?

Anyway, yes you must say something. If your dd was that upset then I'd have to mention it.

I'm not vegetarian myself now although I have been in the past but I'd always respect a childs diet wishes. It's not for me to decide or mock.

Fairylea · 13/05/2013 07:17

Oooh check out my own errors etc there... that's what I get for being up with ds at 4am!

cozietoesie · 13/05/2013 07:17

I've come across this before - people who think deep down that eating vegetarian is a lifestyle decision thrust on unwilling children by blinkered parents and who try to subvert that - on the grounds that once the child has tasted meat (which they believe they're secretly gagging to do), they'll immediately become 'right thinking'.

GingerBlondecat · 13/05/2013 07:17

Hyerperthetical Question. What if your DD was someone that could NOT eat meat for whaterver reason. Some people get ill from meat products. their stomach cannot handle it at all.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 13/05/2013 07:26

I'd be furious. I would have to say something to the mum along the lines of 'my son doesn't eat meat, I told you he doesn't eat meat, I don't appreciate you trying to persuade him to eat something that his father and I don't want him to eat'

By text, because I'm a wuss

loofet · 13/05/2013 07:26

Ugh. That is disgraceful, you have every right to be horrified. Would she have tried to force cheese on someone lactose intolerant then? Maybe she thinks that's a load of mumbo jumbo too that she could 'cure' by force feeding the child it

Unfortunately some people in this world are just ignorant bigoted pigs. I would absolutely go to town on the mother if I were you btw. Really horrid, good on your DD for standing up for herself though

Love 'hamwich' 'cheesewich' 'jamwich' 'pbwich'

Labootin · 13/05/2013 07:35

I apologise for being so flippant Re hamwich

Perhaps it was only wafer thin ham in the wich which EVERYONE knows doesn't count.

Being serious if the mother really did act like that she's a loaf short of a pick-err-nick and I'd be having words...

WouldBeHarrietVane · 13/05/2013 07:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tailtwister · 13/05/2013 07:50

YANBU to be very annoyed OP. This woman clearly knew your daughter was vegetarian, but chose to encourage her to eat meat anyway. Really, really disrespectful and unfair on your daughter who was made to feel awkward.

Lollydaydream · 13/05/2013 08:00

Strangely there are people out there who just can't quite grasp vegetarianism; they can't get that it doesn't include 'just a bit of ham', or the vegetables out of a chicken stew. Or they relish the idea of converting someone back to meat eating. It is odd and patronising but most vegetarians experience it at some point. I would focus more on explaining this to your children and why they don't eat meat. Also purely that it is ok to say no and that no one should force them into eating anything.

hackmum · 13/05/2013 08:03

There are a lot of people out there who don't respect other's dietary needs or preferences. My MiL was always trying to persuade my DD to eat ham sandwiches and the like when she was small, even though we are bringing her up vegetarian. Mil thinks we are "cruel". (We are also "cruel" for not allowing her to stuff herself with vast quantities of sweets and crisps at all hours of the day, a defect MiL has tried very hard to remedy.)

At the extreme end, remember the thread about grandparents feeding their allergic grandchildren small amounts of peanuts, on the grounds that they weren't really allergic, just making a fuss.

HairyWorm · 13/05/2013 08:05

Arrrgghh! I would be livid!
I hate that attitude.
Horrible, ignorant woman thinking she has the god given right to overrule your decisions.

I've been veggie with periods of vegan for years. I'm due to have my first in summer and they will be veggie too. I don't need to justify that choice to anyone and I don't think it's that big a deal really. I'm constantly surprised why some people have such a big problem with it. It's always a topic of conversation when we're out with my relatives and people who just assume that myself or DH are veggie just to keep the other one happy !?!?

Anyway, back to the point. Because some people think it's ok to question why I'm veggie I'm obviously used to explaining and challenging the usual questions and ignorant assumptions, but a little girl is not and shouldn't bloody have to.

I don't know how you should approach the woman in question. I guess it would depend on your relationship with her now. I feel it's more a lack of respect for your parenting decisions than the veggie issue but calm down before you speak to her. I'm not looking forward to having to deal with these issues myself in the future future so good luck!

Moominsarehippos · 13/05/2013 08:06

I wouldn't feed a child ham because of all the crap that goes into some of it. I don't eat meat myself, totally respect the fact that some people do, but am also aware the some friends don't touch processed hams because of the recent contamination/cancer scares. I would never give a child something that I knew was off the menu for them.

I would try to agree the facts first before charging in. The child is young and trying to get the whole truth from a youngster isn't all that easy. The mum may have been 'joking' but the child took it deadly seriously and got upset. I was a shy kid and would have been upset if someone had tried to do this to me (not that I was a veggie then).

I'd speak to the mum to ask if she a) was aware the child is a 'proper' veggie, b) understood that actually means meat, fish, etc even if it doesn't look like it, c) ask if she was aware that the child had felt that she was being encouraged to eat meat at the house and was upset by it.

I'd be pissed off but its not suprising. I've heard it all in the 26 years of being veggie 'it doesn't count' 'its only chicken stock/gelatin etc' 'it won't hurt' 'you neeeeed meat to live' etc etc etc.

I'd also have a chat to DD to remind her why she doesn't eat some things, that some people do, but that both are OK and each to their own.

Don't get angry - you have years ahead of this.

GetOrfMoiLand · 13/05/2013 08:07

I don't blame you for being furious. I would certainly have words with the stupid woman.

And I say that as a confirmed carnivore. There is nothing wrong with raising a child as a vegetarian, and it is out of order for anyone to try and go against a parent's wishes.

I also thought the the hamwich referred to one of those Bernard Matthews things I ate as a child.

Toadinthehole · 13/05/2013 08:08

"just eat it i wont tell youre mum go on and why dont you just eat it its nice you will like it and she said no and older dd was watching but did not no what to do shes 6"

Seems awfully detailed for a 6 year old, let alone a 4 year old. Before I did my nut (and I do sympathise) I'd be making sure I knew what really happened.

Moominsarehippos · 13/05/2013 08:11

Maybe the child ate the sandwich (for whatever reason) and feels guilty?

MadBusLady · 13/05/2013 08:15

This woman had catered a children's birthday party and was trying to make sure all her guests were getting something to eat - never a stressfree activity.

I'd be cautiously approaching her and trying to work out if she was just having a moment of forgetfulness. If she really did try to "force" your DD that's terrible but a 4yo and a 6yo could easily have misunderstood the intentions of an adult in a conversation like that. Do they say what happened after your DD finally refused?

MomOfTomStubby · 13/05/2013 08:23

Isn't the word 'force' a bit strong? Ok the mom probably came over a bit strong but I doubt that she was going 'you will eat this hamwich'.

Some people think that it's not right for parents to impose their veggie rules on children. The mom sounds like one of those people. But since the friendship is between the children what does it matter?

Make some polite comment and let the matter drop. Why destroy a presumably nice friendship between the kids because you don't like the mom's attitude?

kelda · 13/05/2013 08:26

MrsPresley - Do you mean a findus crispy pancake? Quite how they can describe those things as pancakes? Enough to make anyone vegeterian.

Lambzig · 13/05/2013 08:41

DH and I were veggie for years and nothing but nothing could convince my MIL that ham wasn't vegetarian. She is only 10 years older than me (stepmother to DH), so not an older person view.

My guess is OP that if she said "I won't tell your mother", that's not the case here, but perhaps she sees it as not as bad as other meat.

cozietoesie · 13/05/2013 08:45

I'm trying (and failing) to understand how someone couldn't see ham as meat.

Lambzig · 13/05/2013 08:50

I know, but she sees it differently (v intelligent woman with PhD, but funny ideas). She says it isn't 'real meat'.

cozietoesie · 13/05/2013 08:56

In some ways, she has a point! Only in some ways, mind you.

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