To think 'you're so lucky you get a break every other weekend'

[AnneNonimous]

Is an insult to what I have to do as a single parent?

Bumped into an acquaintance of DS's dad today who recognised my DS. General polite chit chat etc but she then told me how lucky I am to get a break every other weekend. Aibu in thinking this is a stupid thing to say when I do everything alone for the rest of the time? I do enjoy getting that break but to be honest it's usually spent getting boring chores done that are difficult to do when DS is around. I'd have much rather exP hadn't fucked off when I was pregnant and was here full time to share the parenting equally. But I suspect if I had said 'OMG you're so lucky you have a man that didn't bail on you and leave you to look after a newborn all alone!' Things may have got awkward.

[Loulybelle]

YANBU, very stupid, im lucky to get a break in the holidays, not like DD's can be arsed to see her.

[zipzap]

YANBU

well, actually maybe you are a little bit U in so far as you didn't tell the acquaintance the line you put as a potential reply in your OP, I think you should have put them straight as they will be pottering along thinking now that you are 'lucky' forgetting all the other grief you have alongside it! Would have loved to have seen how they reacted to that...

[Jan49]

I see your point, OP, but I do think a LP who gets some weekends to themselves is "luckier" than the LP who doesn't get any weekends off. I was/am LP to an adult son and I'd love to have been able to have some weekends off when he was younger but my ex just wouldn't do it. I think he was "lucky" he could pick and choose and have a completely child-free life whilst I brought up our child. People are also "lucky" if they have extended family that help. I also feel I was "lucky" that I was only a LP in the later years, not when we had a very young child. Everyone's situation is different.

I think if someone tells you you're lucky you get some weekends off, you could point out how much you need that time or say it's one positive thing about a bad situation. I don't think I'd dare suggest someone was lucky because they had a partner who had stayed with them as they might feel they made a better choice of partner, not luck at all.

[FreudiansSlipper]

Yanbu

I miss ds terribly when he is not here and I find it is getting harder

Yes it is nice to have a lie in and i make the most of the time but that does not make up for missing ds he should be here at home it does not feel right :(

[breatheslowly]

YANBU. I am not a single parent. It would be nice to get the odd weekend off, but would I swap that for all the time that it would be just me and DD with no fallback? No, it doesn't sound like a trade off I'd want to make. It's the little things and the tough moments, like when DD pukes down herself and all over the room. One of us cleans and settles her and the other cleans the room. Or those nights when you have returned her to bed 3 times already and you can just say "it's your turn". I'd also miss DD if she was away regularly, it isn't the same as when we get the GPs to have DD for a weekend. It is every other weekend, like it or not rather than a treat and to fit with my needs.

To be fair she could have gone down the "poor you, you deserve a medal" line which I imagine isn't very appropriate either.

[chipmonkey]

Some people always feel that they have to point out the bright side and even try to find a bright side when there isn't one. I have actually had this since my dd died. One person said that it was just as well that she died rather than be a "vegetable" and need constant care, because then I wouldn't have any time for the boys. Even though dd was actually doing very well, was bright as a button, and we had no reason to suppose she would have had any disabilities. And even if she had, I would much prefer that she'd lived!
Hopefully, your friend isn't quite as bad as all that, OP, but was trying to see the positive. When in fact, it probably would have been better to ask how you are and tell you you're doing admirably well seeing as you have to cope alone most of the time.

[AmberLeaf]

If another single parent who doesn't get any time to their self says this, then I can accept it. But a parent from a two parent family-no.

The 'I feel like a single parent' thing makes me want to push people over!

I get 24 hrs every fortnight, I need it, I don't miss my children when they are with their Dad and I would possibly crack up if I didn't get that 'break'

I know single parents who get much more time without their children than I do, but also, some who get less, so I appreciate what I have.

[Dahlen]

It's like comparing apples with oranges, isn't it. Everyone is different and everyone's circumstances are different. Personally, despite no family and no X involved, so very little support, I love being a single parent. But that's because it suits my personality and a whole host of other factors that are unique to my particular situation. For someone else it can be hell on earth.

chipmonkey I am so so sorry for your loss. I can't believe someone was so crassly insensitive to say that - even if they felt awkward and just said the first thing that came into their head. That must have been hard to hear. My deepest sympathy. Losing a child puts everything into perspective.

[mummytowillow]

YANBU lone parent here as well, its so hard, but we do have to just get on with it don't we.

One of my married friends has just adopted a little boy and he's a whirlwind! She said she doesn't know how I do it as they are both shattered.

[foslady]

YANBU - not a lot more can be added really to what everyone else has said, other than even if you do have time without your dc's, you can't guarantee it. The amount of times we've had the 'No, if you cannot have dd on your usual day, this time it IS awkward for me because I have made plans, it's for YOU to sort, not me......' I too spend my days without (I refuse to call them 'off') working doing chores so what time we get together at a weekend can be for us. And I spent the first 3 months in tears on a Friday morning knowing I wouldn't see dd for such a long stretch of time, put the silver lining on that one......

[HeadFairy]

YANBU

A stupid and insensitive thing to say!

[Iwishitwouldgetwarmer]

YANBU a married friend said this to me once and it pissed me off.

If she was a LP who didn't get a break but still had to do everything then I could have seen where she was coming from. Even then I would think it was insensitive to suggest not being with my children was somehow 'lucky' as I miss them dreadfully when they're not with me.

However, this friend works part-time (2 hours a day) with school age children so gets a break while they're at school, does nothing that she considers 'men's work', husband takes her shopping as she 'doesn't like driving', admits that she hated it when her son went on a residential trip for 2 nights as hated being away from him, but thinks I've got the life of riley even though when they're with their dad I'm doing all the things she has a hubby to do, ie DIY, gardening etc.

[imour]

i am a single parent and think it would be nice to have a weekend free sometimes , there are lots of single parents who havent got anyone to have the kids for a night let alone the weekend ,at least your kids get to see their dad , some dont have a choice,and you admit you enjoy the break

[CabbageLeaves]

I think you should have suggested that being a single parent is an option for her? She isn't forced to stay with partner??

Leave and try it.

[LeoTheLateBloomer]

LP here too. I know many a LP who doesn't get that 'break' once a fortnight and I honestly wonder how they do it. I do get a 'break' once a fortnight, but the majority of that time is spent waiting for the text message that tells me DD is upset so he's bringing her home. Also, my 'break' is generally spent rushing about cleaning, dog walking, doing laundry etc. The only bit I really truly need and appreciate is not being jumped on any time from 5:00 on Sunday morning, but thanks to his habit of bringing her back late on Saturday night because she won't sleep, I don't actually get this very often.

[LeoTheLateBloomer]

Meant to add, I have a friend who comes out with comments like this. Her latest was "when I leave DP and am living on benefits the first thing I'll do is do up the kitchen" I did actually ask how she was planning on doing that with all that wonderful benefit money she'd be getting but she didn't seem to hear me