To think 'you're so lucky you get a break every other weekend'

[AnneNonimous]

Is an insult to what I have to do as a single parent?

Bumped into an acquaintance of DS's dad today who recognised my DS. General polite chit chat etc but she then told me how lucky I am to get a break every other weekend. Aibu in thinking this is a stupid thing to say when I do everything alone for the rest of the time? I do enjoy getting that break but to be honest it's usually spent getting boring chores done that are difficult to do when DS is around. I'd have much rather exP hadn't fucked off when I was pregnant and was here full time to share the parenting equally. But I suspect if I had said 'OMG you're so lucky you have a man that didn't bail on you and leave you to look after a newborn all alone!' Things may have got awkward.

[WTFisABooyhooISBooyhoo]

tobylerone

everyone needs a break from their children now and again. that doesn't mean everyone gets one, but everyone needs one.

[WTFisABooyhooISBooyhoo]

"I do think separated women who get every other weekend completely to themselves are lucky to have that break."

i think the separated men (i'm using men in response to your 'women') that get 12 out of 14 days completely to themselves are the lucky ones personally.

[TobyLerone]

I'm not sure you can speak for everyone, Booy.

[curryeater]

YANBU, but on the other hand a friend of mine has split from her husband and never gets any time off - not because he doesn't want to see the kids, he does, but because he is "incapable" of doing so without her being around facilitating it. He hasn't sorted out somewhere proper to live or to take them to, so he comes to hers for weekends and gets waited on hand and foot while he graciously blesses the children with his precious company. She finds this more stressful than being alone with the dcs, obviously. I have tried to suggest to her that he needs to pull himself together.
But in the meantime, your set up is what she is actually aiming for and not getting - though yes I can see it is very hard

[Molehillmountain]

Lord-couldn't people engage begin before speaking? I hate it when people tasked a thing that has caused so much pain and upset and turn it to a positive on your behalf. If I choose to count my blessings, good for me. I don't need someone to do it for me. Different situation for me but similar "aren't you lucky..." comments.

[Molehillmountain]

Engage brain

[CloudsAndTrees]

You are over thinking it if you honestly believe it's 'an insult to what you have to do as a single parent'.

I don't really think it's a stupid thing to say either. If someone had said that to me while I was a single parent to two I'd have agreed with them. So the fact that you have taken it as an insult probably says more about how you feel about your role as a single parent than it does about the person who said it being stupid or not.

Personally, I did feel lucky that I could have some regular time to myself knowing that my children were safely with the one other person in the world who loves them as much as I do.

[WTFisABooyhooISBooyhoo]

you are absoloutely right toby. forgive me.

lots of parents need a break from their dcs now and again

do we do grudge holding now on MN?

[CloudsAndTrees]

i think the separated men (i'm using men in response to your 'women') that get 12 out of 14 days completely to themselves are the lucky ones personally.

Really? I wouldn't feel anything like lucky if I could only see my children once a fortnight. Single parenthood can be difficult, but being a non resident parent can be equally, if not more so.

[TobyLerone]

Who can be arsed to hold grudges?!

You're forgiven :o

[WTFisABooyhooISBooyhoo]

it really depends if it's their own choice to not see their children more often clouds. and as the person in the OP was saying how lucky it was to have a break from the dcs then it logically follows that the person who gets 12 of the 14 days 'off' is luckier.

[SirBoobAlot]

YANBU. Some people don't get it.

[WTFisABooyhooISBooyhoo]

if the person had said "you're so lucky to see so much of your dc", then of course the other parent would not be the luckier of that comparison but this 'luck' was in relation to the 'break' of not having the dcs for 2 days out of 14, so teh person has doesn;t have them for 12 out of 14 is luckier.

[WTFisABooyhooISBooyhoo]

thanks toby!!

[TobyLerone]

:o

[LieInsAreRarerThanTigers]

I've thought similar, but not said it! That is rather tactless.

Even when we were together I struggled to get DH to take the dc off my hands so I could have any time to myself, and now we are apart, because of his drinking, his contact with them has to be very carefully arranged and he hardly ever does an overnight. So in comparison to a truly single/lone parent, or one in my situation, having a reasonably smooth shared custody arrangement is enviable! Having a social life costs me a fortune in babysitting, whereas he can just swan about as he pleases.

As for the non-resident parent suffering, yes in some cases they are truly pining for their dc but in others it is just a case of 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'. This is clear when I see my ex interact with the dc.

[IfNotNowThenWhen]

I wouldn't mind a break now and then, but ds's dad never takes him. He doe sometimes visit though. And stays for days at a time. Watching my telly, using my shower gel, fucking up my computer and generally...breathing.
I don't resent anyone else having a break though.

I think single parentness gets a lot easier as they get older, and tbh I would probably miss the little guy if he went away for a whole weekend now, but when they are little, it's so draining to have to take care of EVERYTHING. And I only have the one.

I agree with whoever said the person who said this to OP was not happy with her own life.

[niceguy2]

YANBU but in the grand scale of things it's not a big deal.

As a LP you are stereotypically on benefits, milking the system and expecting someone else to pay taxes to raise your kids anyway........and if only you'd kept your legs shut or tried a bit harder to keep your man then you wouldn't be single right?

And yes the 'i feel like a single parent' comment makes me fantasise about grabbing them by the neck and throttling them!

[WTFisABooyhooISBooyhoo]

@ niceguy2!

[drjohnsonscat]

YANBU. People have no idea. I am a single parent and there is no father on the scene so I do all the work all the time and people are always telling me how nice it is that I don't have to make someone else's dinner in the evening.

I challenge those people to buy, bring home, unload and assemble a double Ikea wardrobe on their own apart from two under 4s before they say that sort of thing to me again.

[madonnawhore]

This is exactly the sort of insensitive, ill-judged, tactless thing that I might say if I were feeling a bit socially awkward or like a PP said, wanting to point out the positives in what I know is a very hard situation.

The OP's response is completely right of course. But don't be too harsh on the acquaintance. I'm certain she didn't say it with anything other than good intentions.

[KellyElly]

Lone parent here and I don't get a break every other weekend. I wish I did, so to me you are lucky

[DIYapprentice]

I think the best response would be 'well yes, I guess every dark cloud has a silver lining, doesn't it!'

Because that's what it is. It's looking for the positives in a crap situation. But it's a rude way of putting it.

[LadyMaryQuiteContrary]

Another lone parent here. I'd love a 'break'. Can I save it for when ds and I are unwell though? I'd love someone to cook for us so all we have to do is rest. I get a 'break' when he's at school, it's lovely apart from the fact that I work, do the grocery shopping, do the washing/cleaning. Oh.

There's a saying; 'please engage brain before opening mouth'.

[IfNotNowThenWhen]

Oh God yes. I would so love to be ill, and lie on the sofa, and have someone bring me soup. Even when I had flu, I did take time off work, but I still had to get ds to school, and sort out tea etc.
And ditto the flatpack furtniture! I remember putting together a cot,during one of baby ds's 40 minute naps,using the cardboard boxes to prop up one end-not easy!
My sister says things like " it's probably easier being a parent on your own. You can do what you like". I stayed with them and he does EVERYTHING!Cooking, shopping, bathtime, laundry. She has no clue!