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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious at dh for leaving DD (7) and DS (3) at home for 5 mins?

176 replies

toomanyeasterbunnies · 11/04/2013 18:52

DH popped out to end of road in car to get some bread. He made sure DD knew how to call him and he went out for no longer than five mins. I am furious. He thinks I am over-reacting. Am I?

OP posts:
TheYoniKeeper · 14/04/2013 20:44

this link explains the law & guidelines OP

The law does not set a minimum age at which children can be left alone. However, it is an offence to leave a child alone when doing so puts him or her at risk

That is a quote from the NSPCC link. The issue is the risk really

DH could've been held up/injured etc

The 7 year old could've easily missed the 3 year old attempting something dangerous...like they do

There's always a slight possibility of something going wrong in the house (i.e. fire)

There's the possibility of the 7 year old not fully understanding what is expected of them or following the instructions they were given

The first point is the most important one & is just too big a risk for any justifications at that age

SugarplumKate · 14/04/2013 20:44

I am pretty laid back normally but no, ywnbu to be cross to DH. I would not leave my almost 13 year old to look after my 2 year old, as 2/3 year olds can be unpredictable and I don't think it is fair. I would leave my 6 1/2 year old with one of her older siblings (10 and almost 13) for 5 mins but not on her own. It is all down to the responsibility of looking after a younger one for me, whilst I am happy to leave older ones for an appropriate amount of time for their age, looking after a younger sibling is a different matter.

TheYoniKeeper · 14/04/2013 20:58

As dodgy as it is it sounds like he just didn't think it through.

have you tried just outlining the risk of it & trying to get him to look at it from that angle? maybe show him that link? Then it's not just you saying it & he'll realize that it is a serious issue?

olgaga · 14/04/2013 21:14

an online shop, drive thru Macdonalds or give them something else

You are kidding, right?

I had a convenience store 5 minutes away. Total trip time 12 minutes.

We would normally have stopped at the local shops the day before on the way home from school but she had a temperature and we just went straight home.

It would have taken rather longer to get an internet shop delivered or drive to McDonalds (not that I had access to a car) for a child who had chicken pox and just wanted a milky drink and some marmite soldiers, and was happy to watch CBeebies on the sofa until I got back.

I got back, she was exactly where I had left her.

It wasn't a child neglect or a "safeguarding" issue! For goodness sake, sometimes it has to be done.

That's all I'm saying.

reluctantmover · 14/04/2013 21:31

There have been many times over the years when I have been the sole parent at home, sometimes odd nights, often weeks, sometimes 5 or 6 months, due to his job. We have several children. Not once would I have considered leaving a 3 year old or a 5 year old to get essentials???? such as milk or bread, yes even if one of the chidren were ill. If I were desperate for essentials like calpol perhaps, I would have taken the ill child out with me, in the tandem with front see down to make a long bed. We had a child with a broken leg, 3 months in a wheelchair, husband on other side of the world, I had to manage with him at first in the tandem, plus 2 other children younger, never never did it even cross my mind to leave the child who was not allowed to walk at home, pain though it was to push a wheelchair around with 2 small children - no car. I actually like to take risks, the children now they are old can be in the house alone, when they were younger they could be in the house with me across the road, but 5 minutes away or even worse 12 minutes away, I am speechless.

olgaga · 14/04/2013 21:53

Well bully for you reluctant!

You must be a damn sight more organised than I was. Sometimes you get caught on the hop and you just have to do the best thing at the time.

It was the best thing at the time. It's not as though I made a habit of it, or went to the pub on the way home, or decided to take a detour to shoot up in a dark alley.

I suppose I could have been run over, or beaten about the head in a random attack, or fallen over and knocked myself out. But amazingly I didn't.

I have never in all these years won the lottery either, and probably in my neck of the woods the odds on that are rather better.

My DD is now 12 and presumably recovered from my 12 minute absence all those years ago. In fact she seems remarkably unaffected by my "neglect".

I am not sure "speechless" was quite the right word for you to use following a seven and a half line paragraph!

5madthings · 14/04/2013 22:09

Not everyone can get online shopping, and if you need food then, you need it then. You can't take a child with chickenpox out.

I left ds4 age 5 for 6 mins to go and meet ds2 and ds3 coming home from school, had arranged to meet them just before a certain road as I didn't want tthem to cross the big road on their own (they are 10 and 8) I knew that ds1(13) would probably get home whilst I was out. Ds4 was snuggled up on the sofa under a duvet watching thunder cats but he had a temp and was exhausted and couldn't have walked to meet his brothers. I had toddler dd who came with me in the pushchair.

I wouldn't leave a three yr old, but do leave my 8and 10 yr olds and I let them go to the local shop etc.

Depending on the 7 yr old I would leave them for a short time.

reluctantmover · 14/04/2013 22:21

Of course you can take a child with chicken pox out, some don't get very ill, some do, so some you can, some you can't. What's wrong with using a phone and going for home delivery? Sticking a child in a pushchair in an absolute emergency - no I wouldn't go out for milk or bread, I'd look for something else.

mumof2aimingfor4 · 14/04/2013 22:27

Or look in your cupboard and fridge of an evening and if running low order on line for milkman to deliver in the morning.

5madthings · 14/04/2013 22:34

Its not about how I'll the child gets, its the fact its contagious and if you take them out you are putting others at risk fgs, this comes up time and time again on mnet and you should not take a child with chickenpox out!

Not everyone can get home delivery.

If you only have a four/five year old you may well not have a pushchair anymore.

Leaving a five year old for five mins depending on the child and the circumstances may be the only option.

5madthings · 14/04/2013 22:35

,milkman doesn't deliver in my area again not always possible.

If you are stocked up when they get Ill you can order stuff for next day.

If the day you are due to go shopping they wake up covered in spots then you are screwed.

moonabove · 14/04/2013 22:36

This is getting silly.

The original scenario involved a young child being left in charge of a much younger child while the parent went out in the car. Those two factors were what made for a potentially dangerous situation.

To say that you can never leave a child, even to walk 5 mins to the shop, even if you've got no milk and bread in the house, even if the child is ill - that is taking it too far.

olgaga · 14/04/2013 22:52

Yes I agree it's getting very, very silly.

As I commented above:

It's all in the preparation! Your DD was ok. Yes it's worrying, but as long as it was ok, it's ok.

The important thing here is that your DH comes to understand and accept that it was wrong, that anything could have happened, and it shouldn't be repeated. Perhaps having a "furious" conversation isn't the best way to achieve that.

I have repeatedly said it's not desirable!

In my case, my DD was on her own. She was unwell with a high temperature and was watching Cbeebies tucked in on the sofa. We had a chat about how I had to go out if she wanted milk, I made sure she didn't need to go to the loo, she knew where I was going, I told her she must stay where she is and not answer the door or the phone. She understood, and I was satisfied that she understood.

It wasn't ideal and I bust a gut getting back worrying that the house might have burned down or she had had a fit or something, but she was fine.

It happens.

The important thing is to make sure that as far as possible it doesn't happen again. Flying off the handle is probably not the best way to achieve that.

Anyway, goodnight all!

QOD · 14/04/2013 22:55

Funnily enough we were talking about this last week on holiday.

My mum left dsis and I for 12 minutes

The house caught fire (kitchen)

She came home to whisps of smoke coming out of the front door and arrived just before the fire brigade

MrsMelons · 15/04/2013 07:37

Fair enough Olgaga and TBH you would get flamed if you had taken your child out with chicken pox so you did the lesser of 2 evils! It is hard to imagine that there are no neighbours/friends to help so I guess I have never been in that situation so may not have been particularly understanding about your situation - sorry!

olgaga · 15/04/2013 07:42

Thanks Melons, it wasn't an experience I would want to repeat - my heart was bursting as I power-walked back up the road imagining all sorts.

MrsMelons · 15/04/2013 07:54

I can imagine!

threesypeesy · 15/04/2013 08:37

YANBU I would be livid what a stupid irresponsible thing to do !!!

cory · 15/04/2013 09:21

In the OP, I'd have been ok with the 7yo but not the 3yo on her own, nor 3yo with 7yo.

IneedAsockamnesty · 15/04/2013 18:36

Olgaga,

Can I ask why you told her she shouldn't answer the phone?

KatyTheCleaningLady · 15/04/2013 19:51

To be furious? YABU.

To disagree? NU.

olgaga · 15/04/2013 19:52

At that time she wasn't expected to answer the phone, so it was more for her reassurance that it was something she didn't have to do if it rang while I was out, it could just go to answerphone.

I just wanted her to stay where she was, in front of the TV.

IneedAsockamnesty · 15/04/2013 20:10

Fair enough, I was sat here racking my brains as to risks attached to phones feeling a bit dense incase I missed something obvious but thought bugger it just ask.

olgaga · 15/04/2013 22:24

No, it was just to illustrate my point about preparation, rather than just deciding to go off to the shop without a second thought. It was part of talking through stuff, covering the basics and making sure she was ok with it. For my reassurance as much as hers!

If she had been in the slightest bit concerned I wouldn't have done it, but she knew the convenience store and how close it was. She was just happy I didn't insist she came out with me.

BigBoobiedBertha · 16/04/2013 09:55

I've said don't answer the phone to my two because I don't want anybody to know they are by themselves. The same reason I don't want them to open the door when they might be faced with strangers. It is a tiny risk but if you are taking a bigger risk by leaving a youngish child then anything you can do to minimise the potential problems is sensible. If it was important, the people will phone back. TBH it is more likely that it is somebody trying to reclaim your PPI payments so no need for a child to have to deal with that. As Olgaga says, it is one less thing for them to worry about.