So, MIL has told DH that an amniocentesis is "Basically like an abortion...

[AllYoursBabooshka]

Where they drain half the amniotic fluid from around the baby"

She's a nurse!

I may need one and she has said I shouldn't have it.

DH momentarily shit himself, well until common sense kicked in.

AIBU to have no idea what to say to her? Things between us are already strained right now and I just can't believe she has told DH this knowing how worried he already is.

Wtf? :(

[Montybojangles]

I hope your appointment went well today.

[EldritchCleavage]

Unless it was just a shock reaction, I would keep your MIL at a bit of a distance until you've got through this, as she doesn't sound very rational or very supportive.

Good luck with the further tests and with whatever you decide to do.

[Lovelygoldboots]

One step at a time babooshka. See what the doc says. I hope everything goes well. But if your doc offers you amnio and you feel you would like the certainty of a clear answer that an amnio gives then take it. There is nothing to feel bad or guilty about.

[AllYoursBabooshka]

Basically the situation is we went for the 20 week scan (I was actually 21 weeks) and the Sonographer picked up that the skin on the back of our little ones neck is thicker than it should be at this point.

The maximum on average at this point is 6mm and our babies measured 7mm. The Sonographer was lovely and told us it could be as simple as the position he was in but we would have to have a chat with the doctor.

The doctor has referred us to the department of fecal medicine for a better scan and said they may suggest an amnio. He didn't want to worry us but didn't want me to get a shock if it was suggested either. It was all very positive.

When we got home we both chatted about things and were obviously worried but trying to reassure each other, as you do but we were OK.

We had promised to let our parents know if we had found out the sex so me and DS1 headed up to my parents and DH rang his mum and told her everything, he said he kept everything on a positive note but was actually looking a little hand holding too, it's his Mum and he kinda just wanted her to tell him everything would be alright.

As soon as she heard the word amnio went off at him about how I shouldn't have it and her exact words were

"MrBabs you do know that this is basically like an abortion where they will drain half of the amniotic fluid from around the baby and test it, Babs shouldn't have one, She's not having one is she?"

DH was shocked and said "No, I didn't know that. We won't be having that done" He said the words just popped out as he was, understandably a little taken aback so I won't kill him for it. :o He knows that's not true but was a little pale and flustered when I got back.

I am just seething that the one time he needs her she acts like this, trying to worry and upset him needlessly and for her complete insensitivity towards me and the situation, we know nothing at the moment so why go there? As I said, things are already strained between us due to other things.

The appointment is tomorrow and we will find out a lot more so fingers crossed.

[Bunbaker]

"There is a blood test which can give diagnostic information rather than a risk measurement, but it isn't widely available yet."

Oh, I haven't heard of this. DD is nearly 13 and it wasn't around then. That sounds like a great medical advance.

[Maggie111]

Ignore her - she's an ignorant witch and debating with her wont help. My mother's the same. I have a 5 minute argument with her and just get so dismissive rather than angry she eventually says "Oh well if you think you know everything..." so I say "Thanks Mum, I do, anyway how's Coronation Street".....

If I need to mention the topic again I will say it with no room for debate "This is what we're doing on Thursday..."

I'm so sorry you're worried for your baby and having to deal with such crap... I assure you it's better to ride with the evil MIL than rant against her fundamentally broken mind.

Best of luck with the pregnancy xx

[mellen]

There is a blood test which can give diagnostic information rather than a risk measurement, but it isn't widely available yet.

[lozster]

..... And this is the reason I told no one about the pregnancy before we got an all clear.....

Aibu isn't the best place for this thread - for info go to antenatal tests and choices.

Just to clear up one issue - there are diagnostic tests and screening tests. Amnio and cvs are the only diagnostic (ie give a 100% answer). Blood test and nuchal translucency are screening tests - they give you a likelihood of the chance there is an issue. There is a new blood test you can get privately called the harmony test. It is a screen but with a significantly lower rate of false positives than other bloods.

As others have said, the miscarriage rate is v low. I believe bit is also based on old data from days before ultra sound guidance for the test. You can look up stats per hospital/clinician too however they can be difficult to interpret as some women will go on to miscarry due to the nature of the problem they have.

I would say you have two choices here - nod and smile is one - ignore ignore ignore is the other.

[VinegarDrinker]

I think the blood test referred to upthread might be cell-free fetal DNA, which is diagnostic in theory but only in the very early phases of being trialled at the moment in a couple of specialist centres.

[minouminou]

Foot in mouth.....DYAC!

[minouminou]

Just think, one day we'll be able to screen for incredibly thick with four in mouth syndrome.........

You could find out what the rate for MC after amnio your hospital has, as they vary. As PPs have said, it's usually around 1%, but obvs some are lower. This might reassure you or allow you to decide to go elsewhere.

Best wishes.

[Bunbaker]

"My daughter in law was going to turn down the amnio test but when we saw the doc she was offered a blood test instead and told that her baby was normal soon after this so it might be that some hospitals offer a blood test now instead of amnio test."

All women are offered the triple blood test in early pregnancy. It isn't a diagnostic test, but gives you the risk factor for various abnormalities or conditions. It isn't used instead of an amnio, but often women go on to have an amnio if their blood test returns a high risk.

[DreamingOfTheMaldives]

As if you haven't got enough to worry about without her saying this. I would have been livid if someone had said that to us. It's a hard enough decision to make and not one anyone takes lightly. Thankfully I've not had to make that decision myself but even knowing we may have to make that decision if screening tests came back high risk was hard enough.

I remember my step dad making some comment about why we needed Down syndrome screening and what would it matter. This was when I'd already said we were going to have the screening. I really snapped at him and told him that I wasn't having the discussion and it was nothing to do with ANYONE except DH and I.

Sometimes you have to make it really clear that uninvited opinions on important issues of your pregnancy are really not welcome. I think your MIL needs to be told this.

Hope all goes well with the amnio.

[Montybojangles]

Wow, staggering ignorance. As a nurse there's lots of specialities I have a very limited knowledge about. If someone asks me about them I will say I'm not sure, I can find out for them, or direct them to someone in the field.
I've no idea what you should say to her, as I would probably be running along the lines of thick twattery too! (with a mumble that she might want to read her code of professional conduct again-"You must ensure any advice you give is evidence based"...!)

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"AIBU to have no idea what to say to her?"
YANBU. If you really don't want to have "Oh fuck off you thick twat" popping out of your mouth although I can't think why not, it's completely appropriate then it's probably best to steer clear of her and let DH say it to her instead.

Please tell us she doesn't come into contact with pregnant patients - I shudder to think of the damage she could cause if she does. It really is very unprofessional of her to be so uninformed. She does sound quite thick.

[nailak]

are you sure she never had one that resulted in miscarriage or anyone she knows?

[SquinkieBunnies]

She should give back her Nursing license in shame, what an idiot!

[IneedAsockamnesty]

I'm petrified about the teny tiny % of miscarriage associated with amnio but if your mil said that to me I would have laughed at her and called her a twat, then given her a telling off for trying to frighten someone using obviously bad training and a job she's not much good at.

[MummytoKatie]

I may be completely wrong about this but I think that due to their being no abortion in Ireland an amnio is occassionally used to "encourage" an abortion. Or at least this has happened in the past.

When I was a teenager a girl my age (so maybe 13 or 14) was very brutally raped in Ireland. She became pregnant and she and her family decided an abortion was the best option. Unfortunately the mum asked the Irish police if they wanted the foetus to be preserved for evidence. Cue long court case and the poor girl being prevented from leaving the country.

Anyway, it was then decided that she would have an amnio. (Maybe to collect evidence.) The girl miscarried which really shocked me but my mum said she had expected it to happen as in this sort of case the doctors are "not very careful" about the amnio.

This was 20 years ago so my memory is a bit fuzzy.

So it may be that your MIL does have some (outdated and only applicable in a country with no legal abortion) backing for her info.

[SergeantSnarky]

It is a personal decision and your decision.
I have had two amnios for DC2 and 3 fully aware that the results (I paid for faster results each time) would have bearing on future decisions - I understood the consequences and risks of amniocentesis when I chose to have it done. I have been fortunate that both went well and results set my mind at rest unlike a blood test with my first that was a 'false positive' (very common but you are not told that when you agree to a double/triple test) It caused a lot of stress and ruined the pregnancy for me.

The amount of fluid taken is a v small syringe full and your body automatically makes that back up within 24 hours (I was told this when I asked if I should drink more water! Failed biology a-level)

Your MIL is being ignorant and unsupportive and I wouldn't tell her much else in future for your own sanity.

[Coffeenowplease]

I would also suggest to her that if she came out with crap like that again, I might take it upon myself to inform the hospital in case she says it to a vulnerable patient..

[Jenny70]

MIL is obviously very mis-informed about procedure.

But that aside, an amnio is "a step" towards accepting a termination if there are problems.

A family friend had a termination after results of amnio were bad. She felt brow beaten & pushed into the termination, but with the lack of time her dr basically said an amnio is agreeing to consequences ....

I don't agree with this, as it can help prepare parents for a disability, deal with emotions etc, thus allowing birth to be celebration of birth, not shock @ disability.

Maybe mil feels it is the first step on the road? Even so, she can button it and keep her opinions to herself.

[Coffeenowplease]

I would also go with "Dont be so fucking stupid. You cant possibly be a nurse and think rubbish like that and expect to keep your job " Im not very tolerant of bitchy stupidity.

[Iaintdunnuffink]

What a silly woman, it's a hard enough decision without people spouting crap you.

[Cailinsalach]

So Allyours, she isn't trying to influence your DH from a religous or moral stance? Merely a medical viewpoint?
She doesn't seem well informed. I hope she hasn't upset either of you too much. If you can, ignore her, go ahead with your doctor's advice and take good care of yourself. I hope it all goes well....
( and to make sure I shall say a prayer to St Gerard Majella for you)