To get annoyed that DH just does DIY all weekend, every weekend?

[LadyWoo]

Yes, I know I should be grateful he wants the house to look nice etc etc, but seriously, all weekend, every weekend?

This means several negative things for me; we get no family time at all. I am left in sole charge of 3 DCs plus all household chores. The house is often a mess because there is dust, mess, dust sheets, tools, boxes, everywhere whilst it is taking place. It often means that we are inconvenienced for the day, for example yesterday we had no water all day as it was switched off whilst he installed a sink. He started the work in the morning before I got up, and it meant I couldn't have a shower or even brush my teeth until yesterday evening, and we also couldn't flush the loos all day!

I'm a bit fed up with it. He's doing more work today. We do have water though thank goodness. Once he's done one job, he's onto another. We never get to do anything as a family, and I never get any downtime at weekends.

Oh and one other thing, he thinks because he's spent 12 hours doing DIY, I should spend 12 hours doing non-fun jobs in the house too, when it's his choice to do DIY, not my choice, and I think weekends are for relaxing and for spending time as a family.

[badguider]

Is he the sort of person who needs to do a planned 'thing' with the family? He probably doesn't see the problem if he's in the house DIYing vs being in the house doing whatever you're doing (Housework, childcare) but if you instigate a half day out the house all together every weekend then he might find that a bit more concrete. Or even a half day out as a family one day and a couple of hours he goes out with the kids or you go out leaving him with the kids the other day.

[Idocrazythings]

Wish mine did DIY he's way too busy killing zombies dick

[Xmasbaby11]

That sounds annoying. It is no fun to be alone with the kids all weekend, as much as you love them - he is their parent!

[BackforGood]

I don't get this "Family Time" thing I read about on MN.
We've always both worked outside the home, so it's always been that
1 parent take dcs to their various activities,
1 parent gets on with either work (for paid work), houseworky type things
1 parent only goes if things like shoe shopping or haircuts are needed
1 parent takes if there is a medical appt
1 parent does the grocery shop,

etc..

(Obv, not at the same time - there are only 2 parents here, not 5 ).
We really would never have had time to have big family "doing things all together" time every other weekend.

Depends a bit how old your dc are too - I'd have thought, once they get past the toddler stage, then they should be able to play on their own for a while while he is getting on with stuff in the house, which would free you up to go out and do whatever it is you are keen to do, which wouldn't happen if his 'hobby' were something that took him outside the home. If they aren't quite old enough yet, they soon will be, so encourage it!

[SomethingOnce]

At least he's getting on with it [bitter]

[lollilou]

Backforgood don't you ever go out together with your dh and dcs and do a fun activity?

[LadyWoo]

Just to clarify: our house wasn't bought as a DIY or renovation project. DH rips things apart. He goes from room to room re doing rooms that don't need re doing. Next up is apparently our room. He only painted it 18 months ago but apparently it needs doing and the ceiling needs skimming. So that's another weekend. Then he wants to build a breakfast bar in the kitchen. Then do an extension. And on and on and on

[LadyWoo]

I don't mind him doing DIY as such, but it is making me resentful as all weekend is spent accommodating him doing it. I end up taking him drinks and food up all the time. He expects me to put in equal amounts of household graft when I want to relax at weekends. He does nothing for the kids. The other week he was doing his DIY and one of the DCs was ill, as was I but he wouldn't even take her to the emergency doctors and instead I had to do it despite feeling ill

[Notquitegrownup]

Totally sympathise with you. I had close friends where this happened. It was really hard for her to complain, as he wasn't on the PS2, and seemed as if he was working for the family. Like your dh, however, the jobs were often less than necessary - he was just avoiding messy ordinary life with toddlers. In fact, I think he was pretty scared: he hadn't had a good parenting model himself, with a father away a lot of the time, and he's not good at relaxing/just being with the kids - he's much happier with a 'project' to undertake.

She never confronted him, however, or even talked to him about it. The situation did improve a lot once the kids got bigger, and they are happier now. It was tough for her, however.

[Crawling]

YANBU this would bug me to op why not say only one day of the weekend can be spent diying

[someoftheabove]

I appreciate that DIY adds value to the family home. But I am firmly in the camp of spending time with your family while the DCs are still young. I have teenagers now and the times when we all went out for a trip to the park together are long gone. I'm so glad I did it when they were little.

And before you ask, yes, there's still lots that needs doing to our house, but we both work and we prefer to get someone in for the bigger jobs.

I am amazed that there are posters who adding value to your house is more important than family time.

[shewhowines]

Very ignorant of those saying YABU and they would love it. Yes of course they would love a handy man, as you and I do, but not to the extent that you describe.

YANBU

This isn't a joint decision. He is doing what he wants, when he wants and with it being DIY, he is able to dress it up as "it's for the family", which he wouldn't be able to do with football, golf etc.

Very selfish and not taking you and your needs into account at all.

[someoftheabove]

*think

[CruCru]

Well, an extension would need planning permission, wouldn't it? I would be tempted to say that you are sick of all the jobs and if he is going to do them, you won't do anything to help and will just get on with your weekend as if he isn't there.

Repainting every 18 months is far too often. Can't you say that you can't bear the paint fumes?

[toomanyfionas]

I think he is using the DIY to escape responsibility for family life. It doesn't matter one jot about the possible added value to your house if the cost is our relationship and family life. People use all sorts of ruses to disengage from family life - TV, cleaning, online chat hoho etc and the cost is family relationships. I think it's time for a proper chat about it and an agreement about how much time is spent on DIY. Re-skimming ceilings every 18 months is OCD, possibly he needs help with this? I know someone who has to be out of the house for one day every weekend so her dh can touch up skirting boards and Hoover yes Hoover the driveway

[LadyWoo]

I'm glad some of you can see where I'm coming from on this; I was beginning to feel like I must be extremely unreasonable.

I think it boils down to him feeling he can do what he wants, when he wants. On Saturday a friend of his popped round unexpectedly for an hour and DH happily took a break from his work and chatted away. A while after his friend had gone I realised we needed a few things for that night's tea and I asked if DH could watch the youngest for half an hour whilst I popped to the shop, and he said 'I can't! I've got to get on'. So he's happy to have a chat with a friend for an hour but can't watch his own kids for a few minutes whilst I do something necessary for the running of the home.

[toomanyfionas]

Clearly that should read YOUR relationship, not our

[toomanyfionas]

That's right LadyWoo, he is focused on his own wants and needs and out of sync with family life. It ain't working...

[digerd]

Well, that was unreasonable of him and actually nasty!
He's prepared to take time off to chat to his friend, but not to look after DC while you pop to shops for essentials ?
YANBU - he is

[Cremolafoam]

I'd arrange to go out on my own for the whole day and casually say he'll need to mind the dc's .

[dreamingbohemian]

YANBU

I'd say he's definitely trying to avoid family life

Have you talked to him about it? i.e., said flat out, I think you're trying to avoid us -- and even if you're not, that's certainly how it's starting to feel.

I agree with the idea of a schedule, ask him everything he wants to do and schedule it in for specific weekends/days, with the understanding that the other time is family time.

[dreamingbohemian]

x-post

He sounds incredibly selfish.

What is life like during the week?

[EmmelineGoulden]

YANBU. It does sound like he's trying to avoid his children, which is really sad. I don't know what the people who say they think he sounds greatwant out of life, but I would rather live in a ramshackle place and have a full, happy family life than live in a palace and feel like a single parent all weekend (which is not the worst thing in the world, but definitely not what I was looking for when I agreed to have kids with my DH).

If he won't compromise, I think you need to start acting a bit like him. Next time you need to do something, don't ask him if, tell him you're going and he needs to watch the youngest. And if he says "I can't I've got to..." then say, well "I can't, I've got to..." and leave, immediately, without discussing further (be ready to walk out the door when you tell him).

[Pandemoniaa]

I think he is using the DIY to escape responsibility for family life.

This. DIY provides an extremely virtuous excuse to disengage from family life too. Nobody thinks to praise someone for killing zombies all weekend but the principle is the same even if the end product is useful.

[littlemisssarcastic]

How do you manage to keep the DC from disturbing him all weekend, every weekend?
They must look forward to seeing him and spending time with him at the weekend.
Do you live in a detached house btw? I don't think I would like to be your neighbour. Do you get on well with your neighbours?