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AIBU?

To get annoyed that DH just does DIY all weekend, every weekend?

86 replies

LadyWoo · 17/03/2013 13:15

Yes, I know I should be grateful he wants the house to look nice etc etc, but seriously, all weekend, every weekend?

This means several negative things for me; we get no family time at all. I am left in sole charge of 3 DCs plus all household chores. The house is often a mess because there is dust, mess, dust sheets, tools, boxes, everywhere whilst it is taking place. It often means that we are inconvenienced for the day, for example yesterday we had no water all day as it was switched off whilst he installed a sink. He started the work in the morning before I got up, and it meant I couldn't have a shower or even brush my teeth until yesterday evening, and we also couldn't flush the loos all day!

I'm a bit fed up with it. He's doing more work today. We do have water though thank goodness. Once he's done one job, he's onto another. We never get to do anything as a family, and I never get any downtime at weekends.

Oh and one other thing, he thinks because he's spent 12 hours doing DIY, I should spend 12 hours doing non-fun jobs in the house too, when it's his choice to do DIY, not my choice, and I think weekends are for relaxing and for spending time as a family.

OP posts:

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Idocrazythings · 18/03/2013 16:22

You're right (I'm the wife of the zombie killer) he's being much more productive than mine, but he's still avoiding. It is selfish and not fair. What gets me is when he comes down and gets all annoyed because we haven't tidied up!

MansView · 18/03/2013 15:21

RE: - 'In fairness he probably thinks he's doing he best thing for the family by doing DIY when actually you'd prefer the family time.'

you're joking, right? with 3 kids hanging around, I think I'd do anything not to do family time... :)

dreamingbohemian · 18/03/2013 13:31

I think you really need to confront him.

Put your foot down and say, no, our bedroom does not need redoing.

Tell him it looks like he's just trying to avoid his family all the time and see if you can have a real discussion about it. You need to figure out if his avoidance is because he has some kind of anxiety about family time (which can possibly be worked on) or if he's just a selfish prick (which you can't really).

Either way, you can't really go on like this. It's not fair on you or the kids.

WhatKindofFool · 18/03/2013 13:23

He does nothing for the kids. The other week he was doing his DIY and one of the DCs was ill, as was I but he wouldn't even take her to the emergency doctors and instead I had to do it despite feeling ill

That is not only selfish but quite cruel.

Nagoo · 18/03/2013 13:09

YANBU. It is selfish. If something needs doing then fair enough, talk about it, schedule it together.

I'd be putting my foot down.

One day for him, one day for you. Make him take the DC out. If he's home it'll be too tempting to find something to do without them. He can do what he likes on the other day.

Crinkle77 · 18/03/2013 12:55

It sounds to me like he is doing these jobs to get out of having to help with the children. Could you come to a compromise and insist that he does nothing on a sunday avo and you can do family stuff then?

samandi · 18/03/2013 12:49

YANBU. I wouldn't tolerate that. If the work needs doing, that is something that needs to be discussed not decided upon by one person.

shewhowines · 18/03/2013 12:34

If he doesn't listen to you when you have "the conversation" that you know is needed, and if he doesn't take on board some of your points, then there is clearly a lack of respect for you.

That would worry me greatly and probably put my marriage in danger.

You can acknowledge his lack of confidence (if that could be a possibility) but he does need to take on some joint and some sole responsibility for the children's needs and happiness.

Good luck. You need to tackle this.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 18/03/2013 12:32

YANBU

He is being extremely selfish, and actually quite controlling because it is very hard to object to something that can come under the guise of being for everyone's benefit.

You need to sit down and have a serious conversation, and he needs to really listen to what you are saying. Your DC are only little once, he is going to miss their whole childhood unless he puts down his tools.

zlist · 18/03/2013 12:16

YANBU - it sounds exhausting.
It is great that he is able and willing to do the DIY/Decorating but unless you have both agreed to a period of time when family life is put on hold to get the jobs done. This sounds never-ending.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 18/03/2013 12:12

WTF did it take all day just to put one sink in??

2hours tops your water should have been off for!

And yes YANBU. Being in a house when someone else is doing DIY is draining.

The mess always has a knock on effect on other rooms plus you're left dealing with the kids and feeling obliged to making numerous cups of tea.

littlemisssarcastic · 18/03/2013 12:08

How do you manage to keep the DC from disturbing him all weekend, every weekend?
They must look forward to seeing him and spending time with him at the weekend.
Do you live in a detached house btw? I don't think I would like to be your neighbour. Do you get on well with your neighbours?

Pandemoniaa · 18/03/2013 11:55

I think he is using the DIY to escape responsibility for family life.

This. DIY provides an extremely virtuous excuse to disengage from family life too. Nobody thinks to praise someone for killing zombies all weekend but the principle is the same even if the end product is useful.

EmmelineGoulden · 18/03/2013 11:40

YANBU. It does sound like he's trying to avoid his children, which is really sad. I don't know what the people who say they think he sounds greatwant out of life, but I would rather live in a ramshackle place and have a full, happy family life than live in a palace and feel like a single parent all weekend (which is not the worst thing in the world, but definitely not what I was looking for when I agreed to have kids with my DH).

If he won't compromise, I think you need to start acting a bit like him. Next time you need to do something, don't ask him if, tell him you're going and he needs to watch the youngest. And if he says "I can't I've got to..." then say, well "I can't, I've got to..." and leave, immediately, without discussing further (be ready to walk out the door when you tell him).

dreamingbohemian · 18/03/2013 10:25

x-post

He sounds incredibly selfish.

What is life like during the week?

dreamingbohemian · 18/03/2013 10:24

YANBU

I'd say he's definitely trying to avoid family life

Have you talked to him about it? i.e., said flat out, I think you're trying to avoid us -- and even if you're not, that's certainly how it's starting to feel.

I agree with the idea of a schedule, ask him everything he wants to do and schedule it in for specific weekends/days, with the understanding that the other time is family time.

Cremolafoam · 18/03/2013 10:03

I'd arrange to go out on my own for the whole day and casually say he'll need to mind the dc's .

digerd · 18/03/2013 09:25

Well, that was unreasonable of him and actually nasty!
He's prepared to take time off to chat to his friend, but not to look after DC while you pop to shops for essentials ?
YANBU - he is

toomanyfionas · 18/03/2013 09:22

That's right LadyWoo, he is focused on his own wants and needs and out of sync with family life. It ain't working...

toomanyfionas · 18/03/2013 09:21

Clearly that should read YOUR relationship, not our

LadyWoo · 18/03/2013 09:20

I'm glad some of you can see where I'm coming from on this; I was beginning to feel like I must be extremely unreasonable.

I think it boils down to him feeling he can do what he wants, when he wants. On Saturday a friend of his popped round unexpectedly for an hour and DH happily took a break from his work and chatted away. A while after his friend had gone I realised we needed a few things for that night's tea and I asked if DH could watch the youngest for half an hour whilst I popped to the shop, and he said 'I can't! I've got to get on'. So he's happy to have a chat with a friend for an hour but can't watch his own kids for a few minutes whilst I do something necessary for the running of the home.

OP posts:

toomanyfionas · 18/03/2013 09:20

I think he is using the DIY to escape responsibility for family life. It doesn't matter one jot about the possible added value to your house if the cost is our relationship and family life. People use all sorts of ruses to disengage from family life - TV, cleaning, online chat hoho etc and the cost is family relationships. I think it's time for a proper chat about it and an agreement about how much time is spent on DIY. Re-skimming ceilings every 18 months is OCD, possibly he needs help with this? I know someone who has to be out of the house for one day every weekend so her dh can touch up skirting boards and Hoover yes Hoover the driveway

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CruCru · 18/03/2013 09:16

Well, an extension would need planning permission, wouldn't it? I would be tempted to say that you are sick of all the jobs and if he is going to do them, you won't do anything to help and will just get on with your weekend as if he isn't there.

Repainting every 18 months is far too often. Can't you say that you can't bear the paint fumes?

someoftheabove · 18/03/2013 09:15

*think

shewhowines · 18/03/2013 09:13

Very ignorant of those saying YABU and they would love it. Yes of course they would love a handy man, as you and I do, but not to the extent that you describe.

YANBU

This isn't a joint decision. He is doing what he wants, when he wants and with it being DIY, he is able to dress it up as "it's for the family", which he wouldn't be able to do with football, golf etc.

Very selfish and not taking you and your needs into account at all.

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