AIBU to think you can still stay together for the sake of the children and it work out

[fluckered]

we cant seem to live together anymore. things out of our control his depression and my lack of tolerance to live with it anymore. we have one child. 80% of the time we are just living as lodgers no arguments. every once in a while it kicks off but we both shield our son (either in school or asleep). therefore i feel it will be worse on him if we seperate as we can actually live with eachother. no physical contact, very little emotion, just going through the motions. i feel deep down we still do love each other but i feel trapped and stuck but because i can just get on with it (other than it flaring up once in a while as i'm sure other couples do) think its better for ds. he is my focus, my world, my reason for living. so aibu to think this arrangement is less damaging for him? he is 5 btw

[OHforDUCKScake]

If he is an alcoholic then surely he wouldnt get the children?

Im not angry, Im very sad for you.

[PanpiperAtTheGatesOfYawn]

changenamer I know feel like you don't need it, but I am sending you a large squashy hug.

It is your life, of course. but please get the fuck out the moment the kids are old enough

Temp exactly - that was some of the pressure my mum felt. She was also the eldest so she felt very exposed and responsible. Fortunately mum is a very tough cookie and is a very well-rounded person but two other of my aunts are very fragile.

[AmberLeaf]

Yes sorry for the highjack OP, but I think it is a useful one tbh.

Changenamer.

You really are fooling yourself, I hope you realise that before any more damage is done to your DD.

[OHforDUCKScake]

X posted. Im still confused as to why he would get the children.

Do the courts favour the parent who doesnt work and stays at home then?

[AmberLeaf]

An alcoholic wouldn't get residency.

[trubbanot]

Sorry, I said I was bowing out.

I am the one living this and know how it works. You are not the only one living this, your daughters are too, these are their lives, and they are based on lies.

It really chills me reading your posts.Whilst the girls are clueless I am content Actually makes my stomach lurch, I can imagine my mother congratulating herself with the same platitude.

Your husband is an alcoholic (so was my father), I can't see how you can keep this lie going.

[Cherriesarelovely]

It's your life Changenamer obviously but when you say you are "desperately unhappy" and that it would be easier if you husband died people are going to feel worried for you. That is no way to live, I don't care what you say.

[Isitjustmethen]

I remember your original post Chanenamer, it has always stayed with me as I am in a similar situation. I'm sorry if you feel got at, I think you are have been very brave to admit your situation - anything to do with staying for the kids is always very unpopular on MN.

FWIW I understand where you are coming from. And while it doesn't make comfortable reading for others and is clearly not an ideal situation, I genuinely believe that sometimes it can be the lesser of two evils. Only you know your DH, DD and DSD and so only you really know if that is the case here and it is not for others to judge.

The one thing i know from experience is that one of the hardest things is going through it alone so I hope you have good support in real life. If you ever need to 'chat' feel free to PM me. I wish you and your DD much love and happiness for the future.

[AnnieLobeseder]

I don't think anyone has "got at" changenamer, just expressed concern for the long term damage her choice will do to both her and her children. It seems to me that the only one winning in that situation is her husband, who gets sex, a clean house, the bills paid, and doesn't even have to work, either inside or outside the home. We're keeping on at you out of genuine concern for you and your children. You deserve better. They deserve better. Your lazy abusive husband doesn't.

[ChangeNamer101]

Thankyou isitjustmethen, I am feeling rather 'got at' and will pop off soon. I had different replies 2 years ago, but then I suppose I didn't explain quite so much. I don't really have real life support, but I know my life could be a lot worse and that comforts me.

Trub, Amber, Duck, My husband is a 'functioning' alcoholic. The girls do not see it. He drinks from early evening and goes to bed, drunk, shortly after DD. I see the wobbling and hear the slurred words but DD doesn't. DSD probably does, but would assume it is a weekend thing rather than every day. I don't drink at all now, DH has put me off.

I would think that the courts would favour the person who has always been the primary caregiver and on paper that is DH. I don't know how I would get the court to believe DH is an alcoholic if he said he wasn't? Where is the proof?

In any case, even if I was to get residency, DD would still have to go to him, and he would be drunk. I won't risk that. She has never been alone with him on an evening.

[AnyFucker]

When DD gets a bit older and stays up later, how will you shield him from her ?

Install him in the shed ?

[ChangeNamer101]

Truthfully AF I do not know, I hadn't thought of that. I will need to reevaluate then. He is not a horrible drunk though, just a snoring,sleeping idiot that talks shite. I prefer it when he goes to bed.

[Isitjustmethen]

I wasn't suggesting that posters were having a go Annie but that it may feel like that to ChangeNamer

ChangeNamer - I choose not to talk about my own situation in real life as I don't want to worry people or have them feel sorry for me, especially as relationship aside i am very happy with my life. I'm always here if you want to offload, I really mean that x

[AmberLeaf]

I don't believe he would get residency truely.

I wouldn't send my child to stay with a drunk either, they just wouldn't go. I would hope that that would make him seek help for his alcoholism. I would certainly present that to court if he went down that route.

If it didn't then it would be sad, but Id rather have my child miss out on a relationship with their father than be around one who was an alcoholic to the point of not being able to care for her [if that is the case]

Women leave abusive shitty marriages all the time, it isn't easy but nothing is as bad as living like that.

but I know my life could be a lot worse and that comforts me

Your life could also be a lot better too.

[cory]

It sounds horribly hard, ChangeNamer, and you must be exhausted. I am sorry you felt got at; I think a lot of us who went talked about the effect on the children have older children ourselves and know how quickly they change and how they become vulnerable in a totally different way.

[AmberLeaf]

Yes Im sorry too that you feel got at, I dont know you from adam, but I dont like to think of anyone living a perfectly avoidable horrible life.

I also think as an adult you are entitled to make the choice to stay, but as a parent IMO you cant act selfishly, you cant choose this life for your DD, or at least you shouldnt.

[McNewPants2013]

I would feel incrediably guilty if my parents stay in an unhappy marriage for me.

[sausageandorangepickle]

Wow, I mentioned earlier that the Op's situation was similar to mine, but the thread has moved on a lot since then - I again only have a minute, but think I may bow out of this thread, wishing the OP and Changenamer all the best with their decisions, and when I am brave enough, start a thread with my question.

[AnyFucker]

CN, your husband sounds like a shameful secret that you have to keep. I think I was on your old thread, my memory is a little hazy.

The shame isn't yours. It appears you think it is, however.

I really don't understand why you are just marking time until you can no longer shield him from your dd. You are waiting for her to be negatively affected then ? That doesn't sound right to me. Why not end your marriage before that happens ?

I assume that if you were to dissolve this sham, he would go to pieces when he realises his crutch has been removed. It sounds rather cruel, but when that happens (as it will...eventually) then you insist on supervised contact which is essentially the role that you are fulfilling now.

But you get your life back, instead of nannying a dysfunctional man.

[flippinada]

I feel that I've been a bit aggressive on this thread. Changenamer and I'm sorry for that.

I really wish you, your DD and DSD all the best. You all deserve better. Good luck to you.

[CremeEggThief]

Fluckered, I hope Changenamer's posts have given you food for thought.

Changenamer, you deserve so much better than this. Why not go and see a family law solicitor or two (the first half hour is usually at a low cost or even free, but clarify this when you make the appointment. The CAB can give you a list of the solicitors in your area who do it.) to find out where you would stand regarding residency in the event of a split? Even if you don't act on it, knowledge is power.

I wish you both all the best.

[Eggsbon]

My parents split up when I was 6, both went on to have happy relationships with other people. Whilst I can remember being upset the first time I left my mum to spend the weekend with my dad, my over-riding feeling about the split was it meant 2 birthdays, 2 Christmas' and 2 holidays each year. My mum left my dad for another man, so my dad had 3 or 4 serious relationships before finding the right one - I loved this as most the women he dated had kids too, so it made weekend visits extra fun! Neither of my parents spoke badly of each other in front of me or my sister and as we were so young, I think we just accepted this as normal. What I'm trying to say is handled well, separating doesn't have to damage kids.

In fact, I think the younger the child, the better they tend to deal with it. from what i've observed with friend's family break ups is you can encounter more problems if you wait until the children leave home as they understand what is happening and can feel like they need to take sides.

That said, if you think you can work through this with your husband, then do it and get help, but please don't resign yourself to an unloving relationship, it's not healthy for any of you.

[ThisIsMummyPig]

Ok, my parents married in the 67, and I was born in 79. They are both the traditional sort that just don't believe in divorce.

My mother is a bad tempered sort, and shouted at all of us, all the way through my childhood. I remember her thowing a carving knife at my Dad over christmas dinner, but violence was unusual.

What I do remember is the screaming rows, night after night when I was supposed to be asleep. I used to lie in bed crying, wishing they would divorce, but they never did.

I have two older brothers.

DB1 - married to a banshee of a woman - hard to say if he's happy or not
DB2 - single - never brought a partner home - I don't know how he view relationships other than him saying once that he had seen a couple of close friends married in their 20s and divorced in their 30s, and he was glad it hadn't happened to him.
Me - married, good happy relationship, but have spent years dealing with depression.
My parents - really seem to love each other - they have spent over 40 years together, have grandchildren and interests in common. They also both have their own interests. My Mum is glad that they stayed together. My Dad is not likely to discuss it with me honestly.

[ChangeNamer101]

Thank you everyone. Again OP, my apologies, I didn't expect this to happen to your thread.

Sometimes I feel sorry for myself. I look at others and wish I had the hearts and flowers they have. But I am mostly satisfied with my lot. When I am feeling evil I imagine DH dying and being able to mourn him. In truth I mourned him long ago, my love for him died 4 years ago and I've been 'going through the motions' ever since. Sometimes when he is drunk I sneer at him before I can stop myself. Then I feel guilty. He never remembers though. He doesn't remember anything we talk about once beer 5 is on board.

LeQ you have scared me. I like you a lot but I don't want to listen to you. You make sense.

You are right AF, I am ashamed of him, and I am ashamed of myself. I am ashamed that I didn't do something, that I didn't walk when DD was just a babe, when I didn't love DSD the way I do. But I didn't, and I bear that cross without malice. I just can't do it now, I reall can't and I have accepted that.

He would collapse if we left. DD and I are probably the only reason he keeps a lid on the drinking. At weekends he may start at 2, and goes to bed to 'stretch out his tummy from such a big tea mum' at 7 and often doesn't reappear. On holidays he will drink pretty much all day and I resent him more then. Right now he opens his first can the minute I walk through the door. Without a reason to hold back (DD) he will drink himself to death.

I have never spoken like this to anyone. A friend knows quite a bit, knows what he is like but not the extent. There are divided loyalties in play.

I enable him, I know that tonight and I am ashamed. I cannot do this here any more. I don't want these wounds opened.

Thankyou isitjustmethen, maybe I will one day. But not yet.