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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think you can still stay together for the sake of the children and it work out

272 replies

fluckered · 26/02/2013 16:56

we cant seem to live together anymore. things out of our control his depression and my lack of tolerance to live with it anymore. we have one child. 80% of the time we are just living as lodgers no arguments. every once in a while it kicks off but we both shield our son (either in school or asleep). therefore i feel it will be worse on him if we seperate as we can actually live with eachother. no physical contact, very little emotion, just going through the motions. i feel deep down we still do love each other but i feel trapped and stuck but because i can just get on with it (other than it flaring up once in a while as i'm sure other couples do) think its better for ds. he is my focus, my world, my reason for living. so aibu to think this arrangement is less damaging for him? he is 5 btw

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 26/02/2013 19:36

I'm a good actress. They see love. I wouldn't want my life for my kids and I won't let it happen

That isn't love though.

Your DD is so much more likely to end up in an unhappy shitty relationship through growing up with your example of 'happy' or 'good'

Sorry but you are damaging her already.

cory · 26/02/2013 19:36

"I'm a good actress. They see love. I wouldn't want my life for my kids and I won't let it happen."

And how will you prevent it happening if you allow them to be taken in by good acting? Isn't that setting them up to be deceived by somebody else?

And what will you do if they find out at a vulnerable age that what their mother was was not a truthful person but a good actress? Will they feel the same towards you afterwards?
(Remember even if you swear never to let the truth out, you can't be sure your dh won't one day.)

MidnightMasquerader · 26/02/2013 19:37

As soon as your son is old enough to go out into the world - and I'm talking 7, 8 years of age here; not 18 - he will see other, happy families and how they interact with each other, and realise like never before that it's not right at home.

And ever after you will be modelling the wrong sort of way to have a relationship for him. If you think you're doing him a favour by sticking it out, you're mistaken.

Split up now - short-term pain for long-term gain. The bigger picture, and all that. Figure out where your deepest loyalties and obligations lie - are they with your grown adult DH, or your son?

AmberLeaf · 26/02/2013 19:38

You're making excuses.

Is it about saving face?

Were people opposed to your marriage?

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 26/02/2013 19:38

I'm following tee now I don't think I could stay rational if I continue on here.
Btw change your Dh must be loving his life, your basically one of those stepford robot wives and he can just walk all over you without any repercussions.
Plus he's won hasn't he? He was violent to you and you just backed down and "fixed" the relationship by doing whatever he wants.
I hope one day soon you'll realise that your still in an abusive relationship and deserve better

AnnieLobeseder · 26/02/2013 19:39

Could you tell us please, changenamer, what is so bad about divorce that you will sacrifice your entire life to avoid it? What terrible thing do you fear will happen to them? If you don't want your life for your children, lead by example, not by lies, by living the life you want them to have.

expatinscotland · 26/02/2013 19:40

I'm go to go against the grain here. My folks have been married for nearly 49 years and know plenty of people who did this and it worked to the point where their kids truly had no idea.

MidnightMasquerader · 26/02/2013 19:40

Nobody's that good an actress.

When your children go into their friends' homes and see actual happy, easy, loving families at work, they'll gradually realise what a sham is going on at home.

You need to give your children credit for some intelligence, perception and insight.

Cherriesarelovely · 26/02/2013 19:40

ChangeNamer101, genuine question, are you really planning on staying with your DH forever? I didn't realise that. I thought you had made a plan to stay till your Dd and Dsd were older. Not judging you, it's none of my business but I worry that you say that you don't "need" to be happy. What....never?

trubbanot · 26/02/2013 19:41

changenamer, I really hope your dd does not end up like me. I am a fuck up, honestly, I am like gritted teeth or a permanent headache, because I have learnt from a master the art of lying through my teeth. But my mother knows, she must know as I did that it's all as fake as the marriage you describe. Living in the shadow of a martyr mother is not a great way to learn how to be.

I really hope you can find some honesty in your life, which will make for happier lives for all of you.

Bowing out now.

MidnightMasquerader · 26/02/2013 19:42

I don't understand what you're saying, expat - are your parents happy or not? If you think they're not, then how can you say you had/have no idea? Confused

amillionyears · 26/02/2013 19:43

I get the impression that ChangeNamer101 is a very good actress.
I dont think I could fake anything for even one evening.
It would also make me have a very tense stomach.

I dont know what to say ChangeNamer. Does anyone know in rl?

cory · 26/02/2013 19:44

expat, if your folks knew about it and were able to tell you, surely there is a good chance the children suspected too?

Cherriesarelovely · 26/02/2013 19:45

Splitting up is really painful and stressful for everyone involved but I just cannot imagine what sort of conversations you will have with your Dd and Dsd when you and they are older. When you tell them that you were never happy, only stayed for them, did not think that your happiness was important. Would you want them to behave like this in their future relationships?

Katnisscupcake · 26/02/2013 19:46

I guess I am coming from the other side of this. I am one of 5 children and my dad had an affair when I was 14. My dad sat me and my elder sister down and told us that he was staying with mum because he couldn't afford not to because financially, with 5 children he couldn't leave.

And I am glad that he stayed. Dad got a job 100 miles away. He worked away through the week and came home at weekends. They are both retired from their old jobs and have starter a business together. They bicker constantly but do completely support each other.

Who's to know whether they would have been happier apart?

My dsis had an affair 5 years ago and left her husband for the guy. Her dd now has very little contact with her dad. He has a second family that she doesn't get on with and has no father figure. My dsis is in a rubbish relationship and wishes that the hadn't left her husband. Her dd has missed out on so much.

Things aren't always great with Dh but like you, we have vowed to stay together for dd no matter what. Neither of us could bear to be away from dd and neither of us would take the other away from her. But then, I think Dh and I really do love each other and will get through this...

TempNamer · 26/02/2013 19:47

Testing namechange ... post to follow :)

Thumbwitch · 26/02/2013 19:48

I have recently discovered that a mum I know hates her H with a passion. They've been together for nearly 15 years and from the outside, no one would know. They have 2 DDs, the younger one is only 5 - and they still do family outings and holidays, so the children don't know. BUT - she is on something akin to Valium to help her refrain from killing her H.
The children don't know. No one that she doesn't tell knows. To all intents and purposes, it's a great family - but there's this deep dark secret that she holds within herself. I don't know whether or not her H knows, probably not.

Sounds a lot like changenamer (but isn't her).

CardinalRichelieu · 26/02/2013 19:51

As the child of divorced parents, I see a lot of crap in the press about how getting divorced is always damaging for children.

OK, it was not ideal - I have had some unhappy times. No, I am not a perfect person but then I don't expect I would have been anyway. I have had some periods of (not very serious) depression and panic attacks, like 25% of the population.

But I am fine. I did well in education, I have a good job, I'm in a good relationship, like pretty much all my friends with divorced parents.

My stepmother gets on my nerves often - such is life. I like my stepfather a lot. I have a good relationship with both my parents.

Would it have been worth my parents putting up with a marriage which I can now see was patently not viable for my life to have been about 10% more pleasant? Not really. Bit of a waste of time, if you ask me.

Some friends of my parents impliedly criticised my parents for getting a divorce and have stuck out their marriage 'for the children' and now seem slightly disappointed that I am not a car crash of a person, but am in fact doing just as well as their children. And my parents are happy with their new spouses.

I think the biggest risk is that your DH will eventually realise that he is living with a faker. He would have to be pretty emotionally dense not to realise. He may feel unloved/rejected but not know why because on the surface everything is normal. Perfect conditions for him to go off with someone else.

OHforDUCKScake · 26/02/2013 19:51

Why would he stand to become resident parent namechanger101?

AmberLeaf · 26/02/2013 19:52

Thumbwitch they may not 'know' but do you imagine that is a nice environment for those children?

It really isn't.

cory · 26/02/2013 19:52

Katniss, I think what you are describing is something totally different: a couple who love each other and are prepared to work through difficulties are not the same as a couple who are just "good actors".

The point Cherries brings up is important: sooner or later, children, not least daughters, will come to an age where you have in-depth conversations about emotional matters and they ask questions; it is part of growing up.

I see nothing wrong or harmful in looking a 16yo in the eye and say we had great difficulties but managed to work through them. But as for saying "oh it was just an act"- I can't even begin to imagine how harmful that would be to a young person. And as for looking a 16yo in the eye and lying to them...

TempNamer · 26/02/2013 19:54

OK!

My two cents - my parents did this. Of course we were aware of their misery. But more importantly - it is terrible for a child's long-term self-esteem to be told that two people made themselves horrendously unhappy "because of YOU", "for YOUR sake". I was 35 before I finally accepted that I was NOT responsible for my parents unhappiness - they chose to be unhappy. I spent most of my life feeling guilty and thinking how happy they could be if only I did not exist.

Moreover, I remember being 28 and asking a married male colleague about his mistress. He had no mistress; I just assumed he had when he talked about the woman he loved. It had genuinely never occurred to me that a man might be in love with the woman he married.

Sorry to make this all about me, but just want you to be aware of some possible long-term implications.

Finally - you deserve more than this! It's not exclusively about your children; you are important and entitled to be happy too. Being a mother is only one aspect of your identity. Just saying.

ChangeNamer101 · 26/02/2013 19:54

Oh God, I really wasn't expecting the third degree here and I am very conscious that we have hijacked the OPs thread, I'm sorry OP.

DH believes we worked through our problems and we are now happy. He is happy. Most of our problems were a result of his drinking and subsequent paranoia. He is a 'functioning alcoholic'. His drinking is controlled around the girls and I don't give him any reason to fuel the paranoia.

I won't rock the boat unless the girls start to be affected. If DH did something that upset the balance I would act. Whilst the girls are clueless I am content.

I don't have an awful life, far from it, just a marriage that for me at least is unhappy. I am not hurting anyone but myself.

I am sorry that I seem to be making other posters angry. It was not my intention. I cannot make you believe me, but please consider that I am the one living this and know how it works.

amillionyears · 26/02/2013 19:58

I feel protective of you ChangeNamer101.
I imagine that speaking on here, even with a name change, must be hard for you.
Would I do it no. I would seperate. Dont know how it would work childwise, if you seperated.

ChangeNamer101 · 26/02/2013 19:59

Ducks, on paper he is a SAHD and primary caregiver. In reality he is unemployed with a school age child and wife that works. I still do everything at home, but I am not at home. He would twist it.