to think it's the parents responsibility to pay for childcare if they want to work?

[StandardNetworkCharge]

My DB and SIL have a little boy who has just turned 1. She gave up work more or less when she found out she was pregnant (by her own admission she exaggerated her symptoms to get herself signed off for various reasons right the way through pregnancy).

In the run up to Christmas my DB lost his job, he got a new one quite quickly but on less money and with a longer commute. SIL was quickly fed up having to economise so she decided to get a job. She found temporary work with irregular shifts, her reasoning being that Db would look after DN when she was working. But very often DB isn't home in time to look after DN or she wanted to take extra shifts whilst he was working. As things were tight for them (and it was the run up to Christmas) family and friends have been stepping in and doing all their childcare to help them out.

SIL is badly organised though and will often leave it until the last minute to sort out childcare and then make begging calls/text/posts on fb. DH and I have helped them out, often being told it would be for an hour or so but ending up with DN for an entire evening, interferring with our plans. On the basis that it was a temporary situation I have tried to temper my annoyance.

However, her work have now offered her a fixed contract. Rather than getting organised and paying out for childcare when it is needed. She is continuing to expect it free from all and sundry and getting shirty with us when we have said no.

As I don't have any children of my own yet I am prepared to admit maybe AIBU to be annoyed at her but I just feel that if she wants to work to earn money for luxuries then she should be factoring childcare costs into that and not expecting everyone to continuously "help them out" at the last minute.

[MrsKeithRichards]

Ali I totally agree and his inability to commit to picking his DS up at a set time kind of rules out any more formal childcare arrangements.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

It doesn't rule it out, it just means he needs to get his act together.

DH works in a very senior job, lots of responsibility, well paid, etc. He is on the same train home 90% of the time. The times he isn't are probably 20% to do with work, and 80% to do with some kind of transport fuck up Jubilee Line. We don't even need him to be, strictly, because I'm a SAHM. But he is very insistent on having an hour with the DSs before they go to bed, and him being home and a decent hour means that I can commit to doing things in the evening, or he can - or we can go out together!

[DontmindifIdo]

Childcare at 5pm would be hard to find, but 6-8pm, would be relatively easy, I have a list of the workers from DS's nursery who will do evening and weekend babysitting for extra cash in my home. I also could easily source another 3-4 babysitters amongst the teenager DCs of friends/neighbours, and the nannies of other friends who like a bit extra cash now and then. Failing all of that, there's a 6th form college near us that offers childcare courses, I might contact them if I was stuck to see if any of their students wanted a few hours babysitting in the evenings. round us, she'd be looking at paying out a maximum £20 for that. assuming her shift earns her more than £20 (plus whatever her travelling costs are) then it would still be worth it for her.

Yes, it's more than "free" and it would take more planning (calling round the list to see who could do it before accepting a shift). But it's a perfectly workable solution.

Thing is, if you are used to getting childcare/babysitting for free, then you won't have built up these networks of names, but OP, your DB and SIL must have friends with DCs who don't have grandparents who live nearby, they probably could get a list of recommendations of people they use to babysit when they want a night out.

[MrsKeithRichards]

Using randoms from the local college isn't going to solve the issue of DB not coming home at a set time though is it?

If the family members that are happy to help out continue to do so why would they need to use babysitters?

They just need to get better at this, he needs to commit and she needs to stop taking on extras unless it's already covered.

[DontmindifIdo]

BTW - if they did the above, I bet your DB would be home at 7:30pm if not being home for another hour would mean he has to hand over another £10 note when he gets there.

Very few office based jobs can't involve working from home at all. DH regularly does pick up for DS 3 nights a week when I work, he often once I'm in gets on his laptop and does some work that on the other two nights of the week, he'd do in the office before coming home. I have noticed men with DW's who are SAHMs don't see these options.

[AThingInYourLife]

"his inability to commit to picking his DS up at a set time kind of rules out any more formal childcare arrangements."

Only if you're a scrounging fucker who think family are there to be used according to your whim.

He should and could sort out childcare to cover the hours he usually needs, including delays.

He doesn't want to, because he's rather trouser the money and take advantage of people he thinks are too nice to say no.

[ouryve]

YANBU. It's fine if family can and want to help, but she's making assumptions and being just plain disorganised. They, as the parentS of the child need to get her act together and make regular arrangements. They can't expect you to drop everything so she can earn a bit more money at short notice.

[lollilou]

Though I can see that getting neighbours kids, college students, friends nannies and nursery workers in does sound like it would work unless the dc is asleep I would not be keen on this. It would mean that the dc was with strangers(to him). I am not saying the child would be in danger or anything I just wouldn't be too comfortable about it.
I am one of the lucky ones with friends and family to help. I don't think that the op should have to help out and I agree the parents should try to work out a plan to cover childcare.
Don't forget that this is your nephew though op, when you have kids you might see this from a different perspective.

[DontmindifIdo]

lollilou - most childminders, nannies, nursery workers and babysitters are strangers when you first hire them/met them. For those who don't have family nearby to help, they have to at somepoint build these networks if they ever want to go out in the evening. If the SIL had given the DCs dinner before she leaves, as long as the DB really did make an effort to leave on time, he could easily go straight to bath and bed when he got in. The babysitter would just have to look after them for a couple of hours.

oh and next time she tags you on facebook saying "can anyone do an hour?" I'd comment, "Sorry, I can't! This seems to happen alot, have you asked round your friends so see if anyone can recommend a good babysitter you could pay to do this?" If she's going to put this out in the public domain to try and guilt you into helping out, there's no reason for you not to do it back to her to show her up as not even trying to get alternatives.

[clam]

"Don't forget that....when you have kids you might see this from a different perspective."

Nearly all of the posters on this thread are coming from the perspective of having kids themselves, and so far, the vast, vast majority think the ILs are being ureasonable.

[janey68]

You see, it's this emotive talk of 'some randomer from the college' or leaving your child with 'strangers' which really irritates.
Does anyone on here really know anyone who leaves their child with someone they don't know?!
What you do, is look around, network, build up a relationship. We used a cm before my children went to nursery and yes, the first time I phoned her up she was just a name on the council list. By the time I started leaving my baby with her, she was a known and trusted person, and several years on, a family friend.
Yes, of course that takes more effort and expense than using your relatives as unpaid childminders - but frankly, most people would consider it effort and money well spent.

[2rebecca]

When my kids were younger I advertised for someone to look after them from after school until 7 2 evenings a week. You can find people, you just have to actively hunt for them. There are reliable people out there looking for work.

[Tryharder]

What the chuff has it got to do with you? If you don't want to babysit, then say no. But why on earth shouldn't family members babysit if they want to. How mean-spirited!

[ReturnOfEmeraldGreen]

They sound bit silly, TBH.

[MrsHoolie]

OP yanbu.

I work strange hours,different every week and many evenings and weekends. We use a babysitter who luckily is very flexible and doesn't mind the change. If she isn't free then we use one of the staff from a local Pre school.

Your DB & SIL need to sort this out ASAP. If SIL wants to work then they need to find a babysitter FFS. Like them nurseries and childminders aren't an option.

[Tasmania]

Do you have retired parents who could look after there DCs? That the childcare solution found by a lot of the people around me.

Yes, it's unfair, but I can understand them a little. It's difficult when things change just like that.

[Tasmania]

^^PS: For those who will stupidly say that Grandparents aren't meant to look after children either... the previous generation had it pretty good in comparison to working parents of today. So if they CAN help, that would be good.

[clam]

Tasmania Things haven't changed "just like that" here - this SIL has been emotionlly pressuring people to babysit last minute sice October and it all looks set to continue indefinitely.
And I object to "those who will stupidly say" as well. Who are you to judge that other people's opinions are stupid? It's not about whether people "are meant" to step in or not, it's about whether they feel taken advantage of. The OP clearly does, which is exactly why, tryharder this IS to do with the OP. She's not objecting on behalf of others, but on her own account. She's been saying no, but then receiving additional pressure subsequently. That's not on.

[MrsKeithRichards]

This whole since October thing puzzled me. Op said db lost job in the run up to Christmas then sil found work after he did.

[janey68]

Why is it 'stupid' to simply point out that the only people with any actual responsibility for the child are the parents who decided to have him/her?
That's a simple fact.
Ideally children will have lots of positive loving relationships with the wider family, but that doesnt have to be synonymous with getting them
To provide free childcare while you earn. Tbh, when people start implying that families are somehow lacking in love and
supportiveness if they aren't acting as free childcarers, it comes
across as simply a justification for themselves, not a genuine opinion.
Op- it sounds as though youve taken on board now that you shouldn't allow yourself to feel guilt tripped into this which is good. I would follow it up with making it clear you will 'de friend' her on FB if you have to read any more of these last minute ask-arounds for childcare

[letseatgrandma]

OP-have you thought about what you might do to resolve this?

[Tasmania]

janey68 In many countries, grandparents actually have a vested interest in their grandchildren... less common here in the UK (unfortunately), but with plenty of people I know from abroad, grandparents do the childminding job whilst parents work. That's just how it is, and if you think about it - makes economic sense. Not just for the parents - but grandparents, too. They continue to be "productive" for society even after retiring.

Solves the problem of parents having to pay ridiculous amounts for childcare, and grandparents don't feel alone... as a grandparent once said... it's a win, win scenario.

[Yfronts]

suggest a labor swap- you baby sit for her for a few hours, she cleans your house for a few hours?

I do agree with helping family/friends out but not if she will just take and take and take.

[Tasmania]

^^ P.S.: I am ONLY talking about grandparents. Not SILs, etc. I just think that the whole society could do with going back to the traditional model of grandparents looking after grandchildren (as said previously... it makes sense) that does still exist in other countries.

And as I know some people tend to say that the "grandparents have earned the right to retirement, etc." - retirement is something that has only existed for little more than a hundred years, and some of us will hardly be able to "enjoy retirement" at all. I would think that - the way the world is going (i.e. rising population, increased competition, etc.) - in a hundred years or so, the few decades leading up to our time will be seen as the golden age when standard of living found itself at an all-time high.

[Yfronts]

suggest she starts a baby sitting circle? that way she can babysit for friends and they can babysit for her. will be free. look it up on google