to think it's the parents responsibility to pay for childcare if they want to work?

[StandardNetworkCharge]

My DB and SIL have a little boy who has just turned 1. She gave up work more or less when she found out she was pregnant (by her own admission she exaggerated her symptoms to get herself signed off for various reasons right the way through pregnancy).

In the run up to Christmas my DB lost his job, he got a new one quite quickly but on less money and with a longer commute. SIL was quickly fed up having to economise so she decided to get a job. She found temporary work with irregular shifts, her reasoning being that Db would look after DN when she was working. But very often DB isn't home in time to look after DN or she wanted to take extra shifts whilst he was working. As things were tight for them (and it was the run up to Christmas) family and friends have been stepping in and doing all their childcare to help them out.

SIL is badly organised though and will often leave it until the last minute to sort out childcare and then make begging calls/text/posts on fb. DH and I have helped them out, often being told it would be for an hour or so but ending up with DN for an entire evening, interferring with our plans. On the basis that it was a temporary situation I have tried to temper my annoyance.

However, her work have now offered her a fixed contract. Rather than getting organised and paying out for childcare when it is needed. She is continuing to expect it free from all and sundry and getting shirty with us when we have said no.

As I don't have any children of my own yet I am prepared to admit maybe AIBU to be annoyed at her but I just feel that if she wants to work to earn money for luxuries then she should be factoring childcare costs into that and not expecting everyone to continuously "help them out" at the last minute.

[DontmindifIdo]

Oh just seen your last message - perhaps get your DM to sit down with DB and SIL and say what she will do (perhaps 2 days a week?) and say that she needs to know in advance when they would be, so if SIL gets her shifts on a Friday, can they call her Saturday at the latest and say what they will need her to do the following week. If SIL has a set shift every week, DM will do that every/everyother (if rotating with MIL) week but needs to know.

Plus make it clear you wno't do childcare.

But also, if your DB doesn't like his job, have you thought that her workign is actually a good support for him? This way he doesn't have to shoulder the whole burden of providing for the family, they've put all their eggs in one basket in the past and that went very wrong for them. SIL might (quite rightly) realise that he is in an insecure job situation, earning less (so no savings to cushion them if he loses this job), having a much lower standard of living, and she has a chance to improve the quality of their lives, both with money now, savings for a rainy day and her wage being a good "plan B" in case he loses his job again.

[MrsMelons]

Just seen your last post - I am not sure what the solution is - maybe she should say no to the extra hours but organise the weeks childcare when she gets her rota.

I must say it does not sound like a suitable job to have when you have children TBH!

[SPBInDisguise]

Just adding to the list of voices saying this is their (not her) child and their (not her) responsibility

[DontmindifIdo]

re the extra shifts, I would say if you all set of your stalls about what you will and won't do, she'll know if the shifts are at times when DB isn't at home to cover childcare, or they aren't times when her family are prepared to do, then she'll have to say no. Its that simple.

If they aren't contracted hours but additional shifts, then she has to accept she can't just accept them and then look for childcare. But she'll only learn this if you all say no, if you make her problem your problem by not saying what you will and won't do, she will continue to do this.

[MrsMelons]

If my DB was asking for adhoc childcare and expecting me to help all the time last minute then I am close enough to him to sit down and chat about how he was going to sort it out properly. Its not as if the OPs DB and SIL are not involving her in their lives - they are and that is what is causing the issue.

If you can't speak to your family about anything then who can you?!

[SocialClimber]

Oh have a word, they're taking the piss!

[flowery]

It's not about not being able to speak to family.

If the OPs DB asked her for opinions/help sorting something out, fine.

But "talking to" them about how they are going to sort it out sounds overly involved and big sistery to me, and would irritate me if I were him.

Of course, when the OP tells her DB that she is not available for regular childcare, he may ask for her opinions/views on how to sort it out. But that's different.

[Birdsgottafly]

"I see him working very long hours in a difficult job he wouldn't have necessarily chosen"

I think that possibly they now both are. So just because DB is in work already, doesn't mean that it is SIL that is asking for childcare.

That is probably the issue that she has with asking your Mum rather than hers, you see it as a favour for her and not for DB and DN, also.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Flowery - I'm a big sister, and I agree with you that interference would be taken badly.

But - if my baby brothers and their wives were coming running to me on a weekly basis 'Alibaba pleeeease can you cover childcare for us because blah blah blah, don't want to pay, blah blah blah, how can you refuse us, blah blah, it isn't fair, sulk sulk' - then I would feel absolutely at liberty to sit them down and bang their heads together over it.

Tbh I think this is why people should never live too near their families, because it doesn't encourage them to stand on their own feet. Of course you want to help people out in emergency situations - as the one in the OP - but once things settle down then families have to sort out their own new version of normal and not be expecting people to be at their beck and call.

Well planned and/or mutual arrangements aside, that is a different matter.

[janey68]

The fact that the OP's mum is feeling rather 'used'
And second best, because the SIL goes to her own mum
first and then to the MIL if her own mum isn't available, is just another example of how using the extended family like this is fraught with difficulties.

Putting the child at the centre of all this, she deserves to be allowed to build loving relationships equally with her grandparents. It's far easier to do this when visits and time with gps is arranged purely for the sake of those relationships, rather than having another agenda (ie I need my child looked after at work times)

I agree with flowery that I wouldn't be pushing them to explain their childcare arrangments, but if when they ask again, politely decline. Once they realise that family members love seeing the child but aren't prepared to be used as free childminders, they will have to start taking responsibility rather than acting like spoilt children

[firawla]

no yanbu, she needs to get it sorted. surely it must be stressful for all of them having to try and sort it last minute all the time - and unsettling for the child!

[ChaoticisasChaoticdoes]

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking family to help out. I do think it's wrong to strop if they say no.

[StandardNetworkCharge]

If it were up to my DH he would just say "No" and wouldn't think twice about it.

I'm a soft touch and texts "Are you sure you couldn't do it??? it's only an hour until DB finishes work" and tagging me on FB statuses (so everyone sees) that say "Reallllllyyyyy want to be able to work on Friday but need someone to look after DN... Standard?" Makes me feel like I have to say yes, or have a really good reason not to.

I guess I need more backbone...

[CartedOff]

I imagine everyone on Facebook reads those statuses and thinks "Cheeky mare". I certainly would.

[LedaOfSparta]

MrsKeithRichards would you really act as an unpaid nanny indefinately?

I'm a shiftworker and have had to negotiate with my work and my childminder to find a solution so that I can go back to work (to the job I enjoy) and break even. I certainly wouldn't expect my extended family to sort out my childcare issues for me.

Your DB and DSIL are odd.

[flowery]

You do need more backbone! :)

FB tags/statuses like that are really rude and entitled imo, and I would be speaking to both of them saying that you are no longer available for childcare, and to please stop with the emotional blackmailing texts/FB statuses. Then leave it at that.

It does all sound very stressy tbh, with everyone involved in everything, and not something I'd be comfortable with, but I appreciate that's the situation for some people.

[letseatgrandma]

This sort of behaviour really pisses me off! Change your Facebook picture to the caption 'Lack of organisation on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part!'

Ignore the pleading Facebook messages-say you were busy/don't use Facebook much anymore etc and just reply to any begging texts saying 'We're busy, sorry.' Don't give any details and don't give in to it-take yourself out of their 'childcare pool' completely.

Do they ever look after your children?

I'd have flipped long before now, tbh!!

[letseatgrandma]

I'm a soft touch and texts "Are you sure you couldn't do it??? it's only an hour until DB finishes work" and tagging me on FB statuses (so everyone sees) that say "Reallllllyyyyy want to be able to work on Friday but need someone to look after DN... Standard?" Makes me feel like I have to say yes, or have a really good reason not to.

Just reply saying-sorry, I can't. If they badger you after that, then everyone else won't think badly or you, but will see them being unreasonable, disorganised and hassling and probably will be giving a silent cheer on your behalf!

[StandardNetworkCharge]

By a good reason I mean I feel I need something more important than just wanting to get into my PJs at 6pm on Fri, order a takeaway and catch up on rubbish TV rather than entertain/feed/bathe a toddler. Much as I love DN, by the end of the week, I like my downtime!

[MrsKeithRichards]

Would I act as an unpaid nanny? Well I wouldn't view helping out my family as being an unpaid nanny, it's kind of how we roll, helping each other. Crazy things that we are.

I agree things should be more organised, OP doesn't want to be involved than fine, seems like others are.

[DontmindifIdo]

This is why you need to talk to your DB in advance - say before it's a crisis that you won't do childcare anymore. Say you dnot want to get tagged in statuses begging for childcare and you won't do it.

[Goldmandra]

Putting the child at the centre of all this

Exactly!

What is it like for this child to be passed from pillar to post at short notice and to be cared for by people who don't want him there and are hanging out for him to be collected.

OP I think you need to sit down with your DB and SIL and ask them how they are going to formalise arrangements for the benefit of their child. He needs to be were he is wanted and welcome with decent arrangements in place to give him some routine to his life. The current arrangements sound chaotic and completely inappropriate.

Part of this conversation could include you telling SIL that you won't be taking your DN at very short notice because it isn't in his best interests so she should probably turn down shifts for which she hasn't got childcare covered.

[letseatgrandma]

This is why you need to talk to your DB in advance - say before it's a crisis that you won't do childcare anymore. Say you dnot want to get tagged in statuses begging for childcare and you won't do it.

WSS

[janey68]

Yea, the FB comments alone would Be enough to make me say no!
Also, it shows not just a massive entitlement but a failure to put the child's needs first. Asking around on FB to see who's free to drop the child off with is not meeting their need for consistent reliable childcare which she would get with a childminder or key worker.

[MortifiedAdams]

"DB, it must be so nice now that you and SIL have fixed hours, you can get yourselves sorted with some regular childcare".

Then refuse to help out in the future.