To think my married friends might cough up for a babysitter occasionally

[Sheila]

I am a single parent and have my DS 99% of the time, apart from in the school holidays when he goes away with XP for up to 3 nights.

This means I don't go out much in the evenings and if I do want to go out I generally have to pay a babysitter. I don't begrudge this, although it does mean I don't have much of a social life because money is tight.

What really rankles is that on the rare occasion when DS is away, my married friends never seem willing to get a babysitter themselves if their DHs aren't around.

So the conversation usually goes:

Me; "Hi DF, I've got a night off later this week, do you fancy going out?"
DF: "No sorry I can't - DH is out that night."

So, if I want to see them we have to find a time when they can go out for free and I have to find a babysitter!

I find this annoying and hurtful on so many levels - mainly because I think they must not want to see me that much, but also because I think they are mostly much more able to afford a babysitter than me as they have two incomes coming in.

So AIBU or do I have crap friends?

[IfNotNowThenWhen]

Also, if you are single, you don't always want to just stay in at someone's house. The more you are out and about, the more chance you have of pulling meeting a nice chap.

[PrincessScrumpy]

I would only pay for a babysitter if it was a special occasion, like a birthday. I don't like leaving others in charge of my dc and feel looking after my 3 dc is a big responsibility. Plus, we really don't have money to spend on babysitters when a different night dh would be home so would save me lots of money. Recently dh and I went out together (the only occasion I would organise a babysitter) and it cost me £25, so add to that drinks, taxi and a meal and it's very expensive.

You may be a single parent but the world doesn't revolve around you. You do not know their financial circumstances so I think YABU

[Ragwort]

Good point about your son going to his own friends for a sleepover, does he do this?

And are the friends that you want to go out with actually going out for 'nights out' anyway - is that their sort of thing?

I was very close friends with someone for quite a long time, we did a lot together in the evenings, cinema trips, meals out, exercise classes etc. Then she and her DH separated and her idea of 'going out' changed to going to a pub and (to be basic) looking around for another man - that is just not the sort of thing I wanted to do. Was I being unkind for not tagging along with her? I would have been more than happy to continue going to the cinema etc but she clearly no longer wanted to do that, our friendship eventually fizzled out.

Perhaps you have different social interests to your friends?

[SeeYouSoon]

IfNotNow, in our case we don't have parents or other family closer than 2 hours away and not that many friends! It's our small group of friends or no one for us.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

I wouldn't pay for a babysitter to go out if DH was out/away - unless it was a special occasion, a big birthday or something similar.

I use a babysitting agency, with a minimum booking fee so the minimum it is going to cost me is £25.

DH and I only go out on our own every couple of months, in part because the cost of a sitter for an evening is so much and then meal or cinema and possibly taxi into the bargain.

And we live in a decent sized house and shop in Waitrose It is just a question of priorities.

I agree that you shouldn't allow your DS to dictate whether you invite people over. When we were young and my parents used to have people over for dinner or whatever, then we would be sent upstairs at 8pm and expected to make ourselves scarce, even when we were 15/16, and certainly at 12.

[Troubledjo]

I think this thread makes it really clear why your friends don't understand - most people just don't get it. If you are stuck in a house every evening never being able to go out once your child is in bed then when you do see friends you really just want to get out - not to find potential boyfriends - just to go out and see a bit of life and enjoy some adult company (it isn't the same seeing friends in your home or theirs). I think most of those who have someone at home all the time just can't understand what it feels like. Babysitting is expensive for everyone but for some of us it is a necessity - that's the difference!!

[YouOldSlag]

I just don't like going out. I am knackered by the evening and don't see why I should go out and spend money and do something I don't want to do, just because a friend thinks I should.

I spend all day doing things for the kids, so my evenings are just for me.

YABU. Not everyone wants to go out as much as you and that's not a crime.

[2blessed2bstressed]

Bluemonkeyspots my dh was taken from us in a car crash. My parents live 150 miles away, but since my dad now has Alzheimer's and my mum has her hands full looking after him, the distance is irrelevant. How I wish I was in a position to write a post as patronising as yours.

[TheMagicMumber]

Your child is 12 and you claim to only want to go out for a swift half? What is this thread all about then?

[HugeLaurie]

Surely the whole point of friendship is that you put yourself out for the people you are friends with? And that you think about your friends and their individual situations?

I have friends that like a meal in and a few glasses of wine. I don't really enjoy doing that, particularly on my very rare nights without my son, but I do it. Because I want to spend time with them, because I like their company, because we have been friends for twenty years.

Similarly I have friends who know that on my child free nights I like to go out and have a few beers, listen to extremely loud music and have a bit of a flirt. They might have partners/husbands/boyfriends but they are more than happy, once a month, to accompany me to the pub (mainly so I can try and find myself a man!).

But surely that is what friendship is. Give and take and thinking about what your friends like to do and sometimes going out of your way to make that happen.

[Sheila]

Well you could try reading it Magic, then you might understand.

[Sheila]

Exactly Huge. That's what I feel is missing here.

[zlist]

YABU - I don't go out if DH isn't around. If DH and I go out as a couple then it is a night that it is convenient for the ILs to have DS for us (usually it is the offer of overnight babysitting that comes first).
There are plenty of nights when DH is around to make paying a babysitter/having someone I don't know very well in my home something that I just wouldn't do unless it was a special occasion. Staying up late midweek is also almost never worth it for me!

[LadyHarrietdeSpook]

I guess because my family is all abroad and DH's don't live nearby I find the 'never used a babysitter' thing hard to grasp.

Also: Am I literally the only person ont his thread who babysat for extra cash as a teen? Is it really that out of the ordinary for parents to want to go out for a meal together or with a friend and socialise? Or is this some new bad thing these days? In the rough and tumble 70s parents seemed to be out in the evenings with some regularity....

OP: I don't think you are being unreasonable to find this situation frustrating. Another point I'd make is that it's nice to be friends of a couple too not just only ever hanging out with a female partner. But I have a few unmarried single friends and I wouldn't ever only socialise with them without DH.

[Skyebluesapphire]

ladyharriet - I agree with you. i babysat for people once I was aged over about 14/15 and have used babysitters myself. I only use people that I know their families, and therefore they are not strangers.

Huge - you are right - it is all about give and take. Since my divorce, i obviously have different needs to my friends regards going out. but I go out with them, in couples and I also go out with them on their own. I am thankful to be included in "couple" things such as meals out, but it is nice to go out with just girls as well.

It is funny how people change though. I have one friend, who insisted that Friday night was girls night, no men allowed. Then once she split up with her H and got a new man that she can only see at weekends, she now insists on bringing him on "girls night" otherwise she would never see him.... I understand where she is coming from and don't have a problem with it, but it does make me laugh how her priorities changed

[Sheila]

Ok, I'll give another example. I have a married friend who I love dearly. She said she'd like to try a cheese making class and would i like to join her (wasn't that but I'm covering my tracks in case she's on here!). Now I'm not that interested in cheese making but to keep her company I went along one evening and paid a babysitter to do so. Her DH stayed at home with her kids. My choice to do this - I enjoy her company and thought it might be fun (it wasn't!).

Come half term she CANT go out with me because her DH is away all week. How would you feel?

[CuriousMama]

Sheila shame you don't live near to me. My ds2 is 12, we could get them to be friends, dp could babysit and we could go on the lash

I think a lot of people in relationships get too cosy and don't empathise enough with single parents. I've been a single parent but one of the lucky ones who's exdh had the dcs a lot. I got to go out and meet up with friends or go on dates.

Maybe you should try to make some new single friends? Or less selfish? Don't they ever invite you over to stay the night? I would if it were my friend.

If you feel they are really good genuine friends then you need to open up, if you haven't already. Tell them how hard it is. They may just not have thought about it? It could very easily be them one day for one reason or another.

[mrsjay]

Im not really a going out person either I do like to sit in Id much prefer going round to a friends house for a wine or 5 than actually going out it is quite expensive and loads of hassle I just cant be bothered

[CuriousMama]

I'd feel she wasn't a very nice cheesy friend, more one of those stinky ones than a nice creamy brie

I'm very fussy with friends now. I have lots of aquaintances but am finding as I get older friends need to be really nice thoughtful people. I've distanced myself from a few who I still like as people but I've found are too self absorbed.

[Sheila]

Thanks Curious, yes that would be nice. Strangely, I know no other single parents. Surrounded by coupledom, it's no wonder I need a drink!

[mrsjay]

shelia maybe next time ask one of their husbands if he would babysit for you maybe your friends just dont understand that you fork out a lot for a babysitter it probably just doesnt occur to them how much you are paying out and the organising of it,

[Skyebluesapphire]

Another good example is which pubs you go to, my married friends want to find a nice quiet pub where they can sit in a corner and chat. I want to find a pub with a bit of music and a few people so there is half a chance of meeting somebody one day.

I suppose we just want different things from a night out. But like Sheila, I don't have any single friends... the two who did split up from their husbands moved on to other people very quickly as it was their decisions to end the marriage.

Byt yes, using the cheese thing as an example - Sheila - you are putting yourself out for your friend, but not getting anything in return.

[HugeLaurie]

I have got five friends (close friends), who I have gone out to pubs and clubs with since we were 17. In the last 20 years all of our lives have changed massively. Two are married (one with children, one without), one of us is single, no kids, one of us is divorced with a young son, one of us is single with a 15 yo dd and the other has just split up with her long term partner.

Not one of us is in the same situation. But we are still friends. Close friends. Because we care enough about each other to keep in touch and do things together.

Yes, I spend a lot of time alone because of my current situation (no money and a young child), but I make sure that my friends know that I am there for them just as they are for me.

I would lie down in traffic for any of these women. Men come and go in my experience (unfortunately) and if I hadn't had that support when my ex and I split I don't know what I would have done.

[LightTheLampNotTheRat]

OP YANBU - at all. I'm astonished at the lack of empathy among smug marrieds on this thread. Am married myself but can totally put myself in the position of a single friend who's dying to go out when she has a chance. Heck, I'm usually ecstatic to have a break from my own four walls myself. And yes, if I want to see a friend and DH is out, I will pay for a sitter. Not because money's no object, but because seeing friends is a big priority. And good friends understand each other's lives and are prepared to give and take. Sheila, there's a great pub near me - I'd meet you there like a shot!

[NeverQuiteSure]

I've just caught up on this thread and I'm wondering how old your friends' DC are?

I posted earlier that I wouldn't leave mine with a babysitter, but they are only 2 and 4. It would be different if they were closer to your DS's age.

That said I hate (and have always hated) pubs/clubs/bars, so wouldn't want to blow my budget on that sort of evening even if my DH could babysit. A meal or bowling or whatever would be different. I guess it depends whether your main aim is grown up time with friends or meeting new people.

My DH works away during the week (sometimes weekends too at the start/end of projects) and it can be terribly isolating. I can't imagine how tough it would be to not have him on the end of the phone every evening or know that I have someone to share holidays etc with.