To think my married friends might cough up for a babysitter occasionally

[Sheila]

I am a single parent and have my DS 99% of the time, apart from in the school holidays when he goes away with XP for up to 3 nights.

This means I don't go out much in the evenings and if I do want to go out I generally have to pay a babysitter. I don't begrudge this, although it does mean I don't have much of a social life because money is tight.

What really rankles is that on the rare occasion when DS is away, my married friends never seem willing to get a babysitter themselves if their DHs aren't around.

So the conversation usually goes:

Me; "Hi DF, I've got a night off later this week, do you fancy going out?"
DF: "No sorry I can't - DH is out that night."

So, if I want to see them we have to find a time when they can go out for free and I have to find a babysitter!

I find this annoying and hurtful on so many levels - mainly because I think they must not want to see me that much, but also because I think they are mostly much more able to afford a babysitter than me as they have two incomes coming in.

So AIBU or do I have crap friends?

[nkf]

To be honest, I don't know anyone who can afford to go out.

[Skyebluesapphire]

My friend leaves her 12yo son looking after her 9yo and her 5yo, but only if she is in the pub down the road. If she is any further away, she gets a babysitter in. I have friends with 13 yo's that wont leave them on their own. So I don't think that you should leave a 12 yo on his own, you are not being UR to not want to do that. Each to their own. BUT have you thought about having a friend over? A boy of the same age or slightly older? Then you may be happy to go out locally and leave them on their own?

I agree that babysitters are expensive. My mum is available most of the time, but sadly she does still have a life of her own too and occasionally I have to pay. This is usually £20. But if it is something that i really want to go to, then I will do it.

[mrsjay]

why dont you pop round to your friends if they dont want a baby sitter you are free they are not . not everybody wants to pay for a baby sitter on a random 'tuesday night' and tbh not everybody is that keen just to go out iyswim,

[mrsjay]

I only left my dds with 1 baby sitter I knew she was my friends sister and then family not everybody is comfortable getting a babysitter they dont know well either.

[olibeansmummy]

Tbh it wouldn't be the money that would bother me, I just wouldn't leave ds with a stranger. He only gets looked after by dh, my parents or sister.

[SeeYouSoon]

I don't know anyone to ask and I'm not having a stranger look after my child, that's why I don't. The few occasions we go out a friend babysits, we have reciprocal agreements with them.

[Pigsmummy]

Give them plenty of notice and create an event on FB? Show them it means a lot to you? If any of my friends asked me to go out this week, requiring a babysitter I would probes say no tbh.

You say that you DC is away 3 nights? Well find out which of those nights is easier fir your friends?

[kickassangel]

Sheila, I get what you're saying. I think sometimes people just like staying home but don't want to say so.

Dh often works away and weekends can be quite lonely as other people are having family time. Even if you meet up during the day the evenings are a bit too quiet. I think you need to encourage your ds to have friends over and/or go out with friends, so that there's a bit more variety and flexibility for you. I'd also be thinking about finding a club or activity (most things end by 9) so you have some adult interaction.

[Sheila]

HappilyUnhinged, yes I have done this on one occasion, and it worked well, although it's not something I feel I can do very often as it asks a lot of my friends' DHs and of DS too, who has to be willing to go out late and sit around someone else's house (although he was exceeedingly happy to do this when I tried it!).

I have in fact done all of the things that people have suggested at one time or another (apart from going to the pub and leaving DS on his own!).

I just wish that my friends would sometimes make a similar effort to see me - that's my point really.

[mrsjay]

just wish that my friends would sometimes make a similar effort to see me - that's my point really.

sometimes 'stuff' gets in the way and it can seems a 1 way thing with friends if you always seem to be making the effort to see them it is hurtful when they dont return the effort but I just think your friends are busy, and some might not want to go out,

[OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly]

Sheila now that your DS is 12, is he not having sleepovers in friend's houses?

I got a much better social life over the last few years due to this (made sure I returned the favour though!)

Also, if you can then suss out which of his friends are reliable (and also suss out that his parents would be happy with it) you can leave two of them in the house while you go out for a couple of hours (per Skyeblue's suggestion)

[BranchingOut]

I feel for you, as although I am married we have had problems in the las tfew years and there have been times when I have really needed some friendly female company. It still hurts a bit when I realise that a friend doesn't value the friendship in quite the same way I do.

On the other hand, I can kind of see their rationale - you ask them if a date is convenient, they say no, it isn't convenient for them...because we all have our own definitions of what we are prepared to give up/reorganise/reschedule in order to accommodate other people within our lives.

Unless you are prepared to actually raise this with them, then I think you just have to accept it.

[Skyebluesapphire]

yes, obviously the other child's parents would need to be happy with the situation. we had babysitters until we were about 13, then friends would come over so we weren't on our own.

My babysitters are all children of local people that I have known for years. obviously if you don't know many people where you live then that would be a problem, but generally there are always neighbours/friends kids looking for some babysitting. I have 2/3 teenagers that i can call on that are sensible and reliable.

I do get what you are saying though. I find the same sometimes, in that if there is a friend's birthday on a weekend when I have got DD, I get a babysitter and go out, but then if I organise a night say for my birthday, people don't make the same effort in return, so I do see where you are coming from

[Sheila]

I think acceptance is the only way to go, and most of the time I can do it. Just getting to me at the moment.

Thanks for all the suggestions, and for understanding. A bit of that goes a long way.

Those of you who have friends who are single parents - give them a ring tonight and suggest a night out!

[DIYapprentice]

I feel for you, Sheila - and I think YANBU at all, actually.

Your married friends are in a mindset which prevents them from thinking that a babysitter is actually a reasonable way to go. My DH used to travel a lot and work long hours when he wasn't travelling, no family in the country, and relatively new to the area so few friends that could babysit for me (especially as i couldn't reciprocate as DH wouldn't be available to be at home to enable me to babysit friends DC). So if I wanted to go out I always booked a babysitter.

It is a hassle to find a babysitter, but it is a worthwhile hassle quite frankly. But because it is a hassle, and it costs, they simply can't be bothered. All of the people who say 'I won't leave the DC with a stranger'. Well actually, if you didn't have any alternatives then yes you would. But because you 'sometimes' have an alternative then you can't be bothered for the few times you don't. Whether you like to to admit it or not, that is placing your friendship into the category of - I will go out with you if it is convenient and hassle free for me. The friendship is not worth a bit of work and effort.

[IfNotNowThenWhen]

I get you OP.
It is interesting how most of the married people on here agree that they don't really need to go out, that if they were to go out then it's with their DH, and that they can't afford a babysitter, or don't have anyone they could ask.
(Married life seems like a whole other world sometimes!)
First of all, when you have always needed babysitters you find them. I have never had a "stranger" babysit for me.
If it's not my mum, then it's a mum I know from ds's old playgroup, a girl who used to work at his nursery, or even a boy I used to babysit for when I was 14-17, whose mum was a single parent! (I like the continuity that I used to change his bum!)
I guess that married people get a bit insular, don't feel like they need to go out, and really don't understand the need for single parents to cut loose sometimes.
Having said all that, your ds is old enough now to do sleepovers at friends etc. Would he be into that?

[AWimbaWay]

IfNotNowThenWhen, it's not that we don't get it, I get it and openly admit it's very selfish of me. I'm not proud of that and agree makes me a poor friend at times, but I am unlikely to change. I may be on my own again one day and wish I'd made more of an effort.

[Fightlikeagirl]

Maybe the problem is that we all have the tendency to get caught up in our lives and don't often see things from someone else's point of view.
I am guilty of doing exactly what you are accusing your friends of. To me it's logical that if DH is not about (works shifts do happens often) I don't go out if any of my single friends ask. I'n not being nean or spiteful, Just a bit selfish eithour realising I am! I'd hate for them to be feeling like you are!!
You've made me realise that maybe I should make more of an effort. Thank you!!

[Fightlikeagirl]

Whoops....Excuse the mistakes, I'm sure you get the gist!!!

[sweetestB]

I have £££££££ on my bank acc and I wouldn't dream to pay a babysitter, I don't like strangers in my house nevermind looking after my child

[FunnysInLaJardin]

I never go out with friends unless DH can look after the DC and I wouldn't expect my friends to either. If we get together at all it's mostly at one or others house as we can't usually afford to go out for dinner and get a taxi back these days. In your situation I'd invite you over to mine for dinner if my DH was away

[Sheila]

that would be nice Funnys

[Troubledjo]

I am also a single mum in a similar position to you and find this really annoying too. I think most people who are used to having another adult at home to share childcare (including most of those posting here) just don't think about the practicalities of being a single parent. It probably isn't that they are rubbish friends, more that it's human nature to find it hard to understand situations different from your own. Unfortunately, the reality is that as a single parent with a child who is always at home you HAVE to pay for a babysitter or have zero social life - for couples they can have a social life without paying so I guess it makes them a bit lazy/ spoiled. I don't make a big deal out of it but I do sometimes make comments just so other people think about it as I think most people genuinely aren't aware of the practicalities of what it is like to cope on your own.

[Bluemonkeyspots]

I have been a parent for 12 years and have never used a babysitter. If dh or my parents can't have the dc then that's it I don't go out. Would not cross my mind to leave my dc with someone just because it suits someone else's timetable.